SD-in-Law
All my DH and I have 5 adult children between us (he has 4 boys and I have one girl all are in the 23-31 age range) and at this time all are married some with children. One SS currently lives over 1,000 miles away and will be home for Christmas. The problem is the SS's wife, our SD-in-law. This couple has been married for awhile and they have no children. Last year when they were home, the SD-in-law planned a get together with her new sisters so they could get to know each other better. She planned an outing and only invited the SS's wives and left my daughter out. She was so kind though as to have the spouses and children come to our house for the evening under the guise that they need to spend time with their dad, and to let me fix dinner and babysit while they went out for the evening. I was not happy about the arrangement and DH knew this however nothing was said to SS's about it.
As you can guess the same type of event is being planned again this year and again this year my DD is being omitted and now I know it is deliberate. One of the other SDIL's has told me this as she is refusing to attend if DD is not invited. The planner is refusing to invite DD and thus SDIL2 is not participating as she feels that this is wrong. I have the utmost respect and admiration for SDIL2 for taking a stand on the issue and being so caring and considerate of others.
I have discussed this with DH this year as we know it is being planned and he feels that he and I cannot say or do anything about this situation. He feels that the SS and his wife (planner) that we would be trying to stand up for DD and that would make them have more animosity towards DD in the long run and I can understand his point.
What I would like to know is how as parents in families like ours with adult step children can we express and let all of the children and their spouses know that we do not appreciate these types of antics in our family and that we will not condone such activities. I really have a very hard time wrapping my arms around the idea that a new SDIL feels like it is okay to plan such an activity and to be so mean about it and not think that this will cause future family relationship problems. I am concerned that such behaviors will continue and the problems will grow if it is not addressed.
What do others think???
I don't think forcing SDIL
I don't think forcing SDIL to invite DD is in anyone's best interest ONLY because she'll just make DD uncomfortable anyway. BUT I do think it needs to be addressed by DH. Why should she feel so comfortable at home leaving her kids for you to care for if she can't respect your family? No way! SDIL sounds like a bitch. And you SS sounds like an asshole for letting her think this would be okay. SDIL2 sounds respectful and kidos for her for doing what she thinks is right rather than going with the flow. Try to enjoy your holiday this year. Perhaps on the night they're all getting together, you , DD and SDIL2 can plan your own event and enjoy your evening.
My DH has 4 sisters and 3 SILs. I am always odd man out. His SM has friended all of them on Facebook and ignored my request. At family gatherings they all crawl up each other's asses and I am left out AND even when they come to my home they spend the day kissing each other's butts and largely ignoring me, dh, and my family (if they're also here). I've come to expect it, but you know what? Doesn't bother me because I don't want to associate with assholes anyway. I would never treat someone that way. And you know what else? They all stab each other in the back at every opportunity. I don't need the drama. Your DD is the better person. I would certianly let SD know that it is not okay to expect me to babysit her children at your house given her blatant disregard for the feelings of other people in your family. I would be direct and let her know that you know it is intentional and that you respect her choice to only invite those people with whom she'd like to mingle, but you will be afforded that same choice and that you will exercise that choice unless she can learn to be polite.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I would like to treat her
I would like to treat her the way she is treating DD, but DH does not think that will help anything and he is probably correct. It just amazes me that one would do something like this in their in-laws family especially being fairly new to the family. I also do not think she realizes that my DH and I are getting to know a lot about her by her actions.
I don't think you should be
I don't think you should be shitty to her. That won't make you feel good if you're a good person. I do think you should let her know that you find her behavior unacceptable. There are polite and respectful ways to do that. That way you keep your class and let her know you didn't let it slide. I also think that babysitting her kids for her to go out and have a good time oversteps bounds when it comes to people she is treating badly. If dh thinks that is an issue. Let him babysit. You and DD go out.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I agree with soverysad. You
I agree with soverysad. You and your DD and SDIL2 should have your own outing and invite all the ladies. If she wants to be snide she can go without. Enjoy your time and enjoy your DD and let snide people wallow in their own crud.
I would gather them all
I would gather them all together and say to them exactly what you said here! And don't babysit! Why don't you and your daughter go out the same night and do something just the 2 of you?
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Maybe your daughter & her
Maybe your daughter & her husband, can have a get together/ cocktail /dessert, party too. On a separate night while everyone's in town . And invite everyone, even the snob. LOLOL
Just like the SS- new wife has, and she(your daughter)could extend her hand very graciously, like a Adult does.( help her out if she needs help with it) & make it very classy !!!
Then, you and your DH, and everyone else, will see who in the family is truly considerate!!
Any insight as to why they
Any insight as to why they are excluding her?