The Holidays, 2nd class citizen time!
I am trying to remind myself how much better I have it now that my SKs are GROWN, CS has been over for several years and SSs 23 and 25 live 2 and 3 1/2 hours away, so they're not a regular part of our lives and issues involving them are infrequent. I admit the relationship is distant and appears to be based on what we can give them, so I recognize we're the parents they're least closest with and see the least. What makes it so frustrating is how on holidays, we're supposed to pretend not to notice all this and to make ourselves available for them at their convenience as though they're the center of the universe when we're really just 2nd class citizens to them.
At DH's request, I invited oldest SS25 and his wife and 2 SGDs for Thanksgiving dinner, via text to SDIL assuming they would not come, as both BM and SDIL's parents live in the same town an hour and a half away from them, and they get top billing on holidays. SDIL replied she's already agreed they are going to her mother's house for Thanksgiving (and I'm sure part of the day will be split with BM, whose family lives nearby) I do understand, as I said, that we do not get top billing over BM or SDIL's parents. Instead, SDIL suggested they try to come see us on Friday, the day AFTER Thanksgiving. I"m sure I should be appreciative that they're willing to come see us at all, and I guess I am. However, having cooked a big meal the day before and needing to leave that Saturday to take my and DH's DS18 back to college an 8 hour drive (one way) away, meaning we'll be driving all day Saturday and Sunday before going back to work on Monday, I wanted to just rest on Friday, pack and casually get ready for the trip. Now we have to entertain, feed, etc..SS25 and his family.
For once, I'd just like to say, I understand you can't make it on the actual holiday, and that's fine, but beyond that, just never mind! However, for DH's sake, I have to plan to entertain and accommodate them the day AFTER Thanksgiving, and this is the same as it usually is with Christmas, when they come either the weekend AFTER Christmas, or, even better, the weekend BEFORE, as I'm frantically trying to finish getting ready for Christmas.
This is just a vent, and I'm sure to some I sound ungrateful that SS25 and SDIL are willing to come see us at all. I just have so much on my plate anyway working 50-60 hours a week in a stressful law practice and being a BM and wife myself that I don't have the time, energy or the desire to have to cater to someone else's timeframe and basically have to celebrate holidays twice. I'll smile and suffer through it, however. Tis the season! ha ha ha!
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You don't HAVE TO do anything
You don't HAVE TO do anything - you can tell SDIL that Friday won't work for you, but you wish them all the best for the holidays.
Why do you feel you have to inconvenience yourself to make DH happy? And why can't he contact his own DIL and ask her these questions?
It's really DH that you are catering to, not them.
Re-reading my post, I am
Re-reading my post, I am seriously questioning whether I sound like a selfish b#@ch or whether my feelings are justified. I don't know if not wanting to host company the day AFTER a big holiday meal and having to drive all day the next two days is valid, even though it is how I feel. I'm just curious what you think. There is no right or wrong here. lol. Although I don't know you, I do value the opinions you've given me. A while back, I think you said we should take advantage of any opportunity to spend time with them that's not based on money, which I thought was good advice. I think that's what this would be, which is why I feel like I should suck it up and quit complaining. lol.
And all coordination of visits, vacations & holidays since SS25 started associating with DH again have been through SDIL and me. I'm not exactly sure why that is. lol. I do think the reason for the contact we do have with them, limited as it may be, is because SDIL thinks SS25 should have contact with his dad, and I think that's the reason SS25 started associating with him again after years of no contact. DH is so passive and SS25 is so self-absorbed that I don't think much communication would happen but for "the women." lol. DH did ask me if I had contacted SDIL to invite them, so there's that.
I did say that- but I don’t
I did say that- but I don’t think you should inconvenience yourself, either. Nor do I think you should be the go between. DH has to make his own relationship with his kids. You can support him, but don’t do it for him. You don’t have to take crumbs, either. The party invite was not the same as being penciled in for a holiday, and only because you asked, not because they sought you out in order to spend time with you.
In my case, if DH wanted to spend time with his son and I didn’t, I would send him on his way and do my own thing.
Yes, I think for Christmas, I
Yes, I think for Christmas, I will consider encouraging DH to reach out to SS25 about whatever "plans" to see them there are.
I think I understand why you
I think I understand why you are put in the middle of planning events with the SKs. If left up to our DHs, I think that it becomes a control issue, whereby the SKs will always change the plans that you and your DH had carefully decided on together. Before you know it, the SK's have you bowing to their schedules, and our DHs will do nothing to "upset the apple cart". He'll agree to whatever works for THEM, because he doesn't want any drama with the SKs. Heaven forbid that he upsets them and doesn't let them have their own way.
In the meantime, if you're anything like me and my relationship with my DH, you're the one who gets inconvenienced when the invitation is changed. You're the one who is going to do the cooking and cleaning up before, during and after they leave. Not to mention the 2 days prior to their arrival, where you have to psych yourself up for their visit, because your anxiety over their impending visit is through the roof.
I get your frustration! I have tried to get my DH to be his own "social convenor" with the skids in the past, and it always ends up with everything that DH and I had planned, going out the window. Then we're back to my DH telling me, "Well, next time, YOU make the arrangements with them..." I've been in this cycle for YEARS. Oh, how I dread Christmas....every year.
Are you entertaining anyone
Are you entertaining anyone else on Thanksgiving? What my parents do when one of my sisters or I can't make it for an actual holiday is have the holiday meal on the day everyone can make it. Once you're dealing with in-laws and extended families it is very difficult to get everyone in one place on the actual holiday. That doesn't work if you're having other family, but if it's just your immediate family, would it be possible to rest and relax on Thursday and do your big meal on Friday?
That is an interesting idea.
That is an interesting idea. We're having my mom, DS18 (home from college,) his girlfriend (flying in for the holiday), DS12, DH and me. SDIL didn't ask me to hold off on our meal, and I don't think she wanted me to. Plus, I don't think it would be fair to ask the 6 of us to pretend it's not Thanksgiving while the rest of the country (including SS25 and family!) are enjoying Thanksgiving. I wouldn't do that to SS25 in favor of one of my DSs, and I'm not going to do that to them. If it were just DH and me, I might think differently.
Either tell them Friday doesn
Either tell them Friday doesn't work for you OR if you want to let them go ahead and come Friday for DH's sake, fine, but you do not have to entertain or cook. At that point, they are just visiting, not coming for a holiday meal.
Yep, exactly. Would it be too
Yep, exactly. Would it be too much if I stay in my jammies, though? LOL!!
Jammies 100%!
Jammies 100%!
You invited DH's kid at HIS
You invited DH's kid at HIS request? Can't he manage the invites on his own? Sounds like he wanted you to do the inviting so if you got rebuffed it wouldn't sting as bad.
So great, they will come visit the day after Thanksgiving. Why do you assume you have to do the work? Nope, you state you are getting your own child ready to go back to college and let your DH manage his relatives.
Splitting holidays
When I was growing up, we always alternated between my mom or dad’s family for holidays. We would usually go for leftovers the day after thanksgiving to the home we didn’t go to for the big dinner. Would that be a possibility? Both families always had lots of leftovers, especially lots of pie, so we’d just go over for something super casual, just to see the other grandparents. It was fun for us as kids and low stress for everyone. That might be a possible compromise that wouldn’t be too much effort on your part, but would allow you to seem gracious and accommodating?
This is not to say that I don’t hate holidays as a SM. Honestly, they are miserable, especially since BM is very high conflict.
My own biological mother isn
My own biological mother isn't afraid to tell me if she's not up for hosting. You shouldn't feel bad.
Like others said, you do have plans for that Friday. Either let them know that or if you're willing to fit them in, let them know the plans.
I asked my mother if they had plans for Labor Day as her birthday falls around that time. She didn't and wasn't up for getting anything together but she was willing to let us put things together for her. My sister and I made plans to just cook at their house and it turned out to be a good day. And my mom just got to sit around and enjoy herself.
I know it might seem different since that's my BM, but don't be afraid to speak up. Or tell your DH that he can figure out plans to entertain them while you stick to your original Friday plans.
What I would do
DH would invite his own kids. He would be given a window to see them. And I would remind him they have 3 families to visit so if he wants to see them first he will need to get organised and talk to you about plans.
You see, you are allowing this situation to happen. Do you have to have them over on Friday if it doesn't suit? With your work load maybe your son could fly back to school/ wherever and you pay for the ticket? All these things are so you don't feel like the bad guy and all you are doing is making everyone else happy and you are miserabvle to some degree.
And this is when you tell me that driving your son back to school is always the plan. But then you mention the 16 hr round trip and bouncing back into work on Monday. Even without the SS invasion that sounds like a lot of work. This is not saying you should abandon your son at a bus depot out in a cornfield and toss him a packet of Doritos and a bottle of water as you drive away. This is about taking care of yourself and your needs.
I would tell SS et al the "window of visitation" and it is a leftovers day. DS would be told that next time he will be flying home and if he wants to help with the dishes that would be awesome. When the SS invasion occurs be gracious and smart.
And consider how far are they driving to your place with 2 children in tow. Not an easy drive at the best of time with little ones. They are making an effort. And who knows? Maybe the weather is crappy and no one is going anywhere. Except into Cyberland for some retail therapy! One can only wish,
Well, perhaps next year will be different!
Its good that you are supportive of your Dh's relationship with his son. It seems like in every family there are those that are the "planners" and bringer-together-ers. You and and SDIL are it. Make it a PJ party, and causal lol.
I get that you are wanting some downtime, but next year perhaps plan things differently so that you have that. Next year maybe you can have your DS and his GF drive themselves back to college? LOL. When I would come up I would look forward to driving myself home - it was part of the adventure of "moving away to college."
Restaraunteurs
So - re-read your posts! You regularly take the eldest SS and family to vacations and dinners out, and spend your entire vacations cooking and cleaning up after them.
wow, and you get yet another opportunity to do these things for them. Ever consider a sideline as a restaurant?
Just kidding. I hope someday you and DH experience generosity from those Skids, someday...
Ok, so they are driving 3.5
Ok, so they are driving 3.5 hrs just to come see his dad, that's not small, even if it's not the day off-considering you said they were estranged?
I totally get where you feel put upon though. Maybe say dress comfy, yoga pants, sweat pants, we will just a a chill day and then go to dinner later. By the time they leave their hometown with kids, you may have the 1st part of the day to just relax/chill....then your dh can order some sandwiches for lunch if they are arriving aroudn that time....and everyone can help themselves to leftovers. Keep it super casual and stay in your pj's until dinner time :)
I get it though- my brother/SIL, EVERY single holiday always revolves around THEM having the main day w/HER family...and we are either 'invited to tag along' or they swipe my mom into their plans and I never get an actual holiday DAY OF with my mom/brother. Haven't in years and years. Always Friday after, weekend prior/after....I mean technically they will sometimes invite us to join them...but I don't want to spend EVERY damn holiday with my SIL's family...maybe sometimes I'd like it to be just MY family..and HER family gets the day after. We haven't had a holiday with my MIL/BIL for quite some time....the last one was when my FIL was alive-and trust me I've invited them every year. I don't plan to this year.
IF they want to go and do something, eat out, etc I'm open to it. SD normally come by at some point of the day, sometimes day after....no biggie...she's 19 now and we rarely see her.