I seriously cannot believe I'm writing this, but, for the first time in many years, our family vacay where we pay for, cook for, wait on, and clean up after OSS29, SDIL, and 2 SGDs DID NOT HAPPEN!  As my past blogs show, following the wise advice of many here, I've been in the process of disengaging from these slave fests for a couple years, doing less and less and letting DH do all the catering to them. The last straw for me was when my precious aunt who was like a mother to me died at the end of last year and neither OSS29 nor youngest SS27 said anything to me. DH knows how much I've grieved my aunt's loss, and she'd known SSs since they were 5 and 3 and treated them so well. I told DH then, I'm truly DONE with doing anything for SSs. 

Prior to this, in addition to the annual all-expense paid vacay, we only saw them to celebrate their bdays and holidays. Since the end of the year, SS29 and SGD10 had birthdays, and DH bought them cards and sent them each a couple hundred dollars without getting together. (He knows I'm done spending over $1K and many hours on elaborate parties for SGDs.)

We actually saw them for the first time since Christmas for Father's Day. I knew DH's tolerance for the situation had changed when I kept asking him what he wanted to do for Father's Day and he wouldn't answer for the longest time, but finally, said he wanted to spend it with his mom and step-dad and sister and her DH. That was our plan, but a couple days before, I got a text from SDIL asking if we were going to be at our lakehouse for Father's Day and that "OSS29 wanted to see DH for Father's Day." I'm  not sure if that's what prompted the text or not, but DH decided to change his plans and meet them at the lake. Of course, this meant we would provide a meal. Since it was Father's Day, I agreed to cook sides, and DH agreed to grill large amounts of meat. (SS29 eats massive amounts of protein, and if there's not tons, there won't be enough for everyone, as on the Thanksgiving he went first in line and took an entire HALF of the turkey breast.)

 While DH was grilling outside, running in and out getting what he needed (up and down stairs, since the grill is the basement level below) and I was cooking sides, SS29 and family relaxed on the porch overlooking the lake and looked down at DH. Suddenly, the grill stopped working, and as DH was upset and panicking, I told DH to bring in the meat and I'd finish cooking it on the cooktop, so I dragged out as many skillets as possible and did just that. When the meal was done, as usual, DH and I cleaned up while SS29 and crew sat watching. I felt bad that DH handwashed all those skillets on Father's Day, but he insisted. For some reason, I think that day had a significant impact on DH. He's 59 years old, and, although he's in good shape, he doesn't feel like waiting on able-bodied people, especially on Father's Day. (BTW, SS27 lives 20 minutes from our lakehouse and was invited but texted the day of to say he'd "been busy" and couldn't make it.) 
 

So,  the annual vacay is usually on the week of July 4th, since our law office is closed for the holiday, so we only miss 4 business days. (Some may remember we used to rent a big beach house with pool and pay for all meals for over $10k for the week before we bought our lakehouse during COVID, and the "family vacay" has been there since then, although it had become a "long weekend" rather than a week because that was all I was willing to stay.) With that being just 2 weeks after Father's Day, I asked DH a couple times what we were doing that week, and he would not answer, similar to how he acted before Father's Day, so I sensed he did not want to do the vacay with SS29 this year. Finally as it approached, I couldn't help myself and flat out asked DH if my feelings on the situation were the reason we weren't hosting SS29 and family for vacation this year. He said, "No," and that he just did not feel up to bothering with it. I didn't press him on this, but I think it's safe to say, my disengaging and leaving DH responsible for nearly everything made him realize he'd rather not be their servant!

Now, we're about to go back to work after having had a long weekend with our bios, DS22 and DS15. It has been so wonderful not having the stress of SGDs waking up early and wanting breakfast, cereal bowls filled with milk going to waste on the counter all day, dishes piled in the sink, the stress of having to cook for and clean up after or pay for all those people if we eat out, wash a million beach towels, and on and on. For the first time in a very long time, I am not resentful after a family vacation. I truly believe, my disengagement opened DH's eyes.
 

Now, I must say, as relieved as I am, this situation doesn't make me "happy." And I'm sure DH feels the same. I WISH very much that we could gather and have everyone pitch in so DH and/or I don't have to be a servant 24/7. However, I know for sure I can't change SS and family. I can only change my actions, and that's what I did. I am concerned that my complete disengagement may lead to essentially no-contact between SSs and DH, and for that I'm sorry, but I really don't think that's my fault, since it's not my responsibility to facilitate their relationship, especially not at my expense. Thank you to all of you for teaching me this.