Childless SM and new grandchild
Hello again. I'm back for more insight/advice. I'm grateful to everyone who responded to my previous posts, even though some comments were hard to hear.
Quick recap: I'm a childless stepmother to two adults. My SS and SDIL recently had a baby. I've been struggling with feelings of jealousy and fears of exclusion even before the birth.
Well as predicted, I probably won't have a grandmothely role ever. SDIL declined to have two separate showers and therefore I did not attend since I didn't want to see BM and her family.
Only SDIL's mother visited the baby in hospital and helped after the birth.
DH asked SS once about what the baby will call me, to which SS responded with some noncommittal answer about seeing how "the relationship develops". DH was very upset since he expected me to be treated with more respect.
I was never overtly excluded but it's obvious that I'm an outsider. DH and I have not been asked to babysit, whenever we visit the couple it's clear that BM and SS's inlaws play a much bigger role in the baby's life than DH and I ever will.
I try not to dwell on things too much and fill my life with things that make me happy, but I know that my husband is upset with the situation and wishes that I would be treated more warmly.
Since you didn't have a
Since you didn't have a particularly "maternal" role with the SS, it's not all that surprising that you won't have a grandmother role with SS's baby. And since BM was the primary parent to SS and you and DH were overseas when he was growing up, it's not surprising that BM and SS's wife's parents will play a bigger role now. That seems normal and natural, frankly.
I would try to be helpful to them and loving to the child unless it looks like they're overtly excluding you. Put an offer to babysit out there if you want to do that, but expect that the bio grandmas will likely come first, especially SS's wife's mother. Many new moms prefer and rely on their own mothers rather than a MIL. And I'd try to find another outlet for your maternal urges, because they're unlikely to be satisfied by your DH's grandchildren.
I agree with this.. I don't
I agree with this.. I don't think that you or your husband should be surprised or hurt that SS and his wife are closer to those other family members.
I would actually have been shocked to find that I was going to be 'grammie" to a child that was born to my fairly distant stepchild and his wife.. neither of whom we had a close relationship with.
I think you may need to disengage yourself from the fantasy that you are going to be the doting grandparent to this child. You are not the child's grandparent.. you are the wife of one of the grandparents.. and not the closest grandfather at that..
It IS much more common for the wife's mother/family to be closer.. unless there are extenuating circumstances.
I know you want to be a grandmother.. but honestly.. like myself with no bio children.. that will never be a reality for me. My OSD has a 3 yo.. I am "ESMOD".. not grannie.. in fact.. my husband isn't even called a "grandparent type name".. he has a nickname.. but the granny/pop/grandpa is taken by others. I also know full well that my OSD is really only that close because she doesn't want to cut off future gifts..lol..and maybe inheritance.. haha. Little does she know that I may well play "favorites" in that department.
If the baby was just born, it
If the baby was just born, it may be some time until the parents are ready for visitors. Wait to see how it plays out. I remember after having my bios not being excited about visitors and only wanting my own mother around.
Your SS made a comment about waiting to see how the relationship develops. Not knowing all the details, but you could take that as a positive.
Many of us step-grandparents have learned the hard way not to get too close to the sgkids. They can be withdrawn in a second, as was the case with me and many other SM's here. I would fill the void in your heart with people who love you and activities you enjoy.
Yes, I'm sure that your
Yes, I'm sure that your husband is upset that his son is a jerk, I would be.
Why a parent would not want one more person to love their child, I have no idea. I don't have kids but my sisters do (and one has grandkids), and they all know my dad's wife as Grandma.
Such a shame.
Congratulations on the newest
Congratulations on the newest member of your family!
It's usually awkward, at these times all together.
I would remember to keep the blame where it belongs. (If you told DH in the car before the gathering, that if someone asks grandpa to pose with the baby for photo, that you would like him at that time to outstretch his arm towards you and invite you to be included in the photo), and he instead ignores you and takes a photo without you, he set the stage before his kids, that you are an outsider, and they will follow his lead.
If they ask him to attend without you, and he loses his chance to say he wants you there,( but instead chooses to stand up for you after he shared his rude news with you, watched your sad expression, and then after the fact, gets back to his kids to say that he wants you there), they will assume that he didn't want you there and you are a pushy person who wants to be where they are not wanted.
If they tell him to sit somewhere and you somewhere else, (and he loses his chance to say, "come over here darling!" and you tell him about your hurt feelings in the car on the way home), be mad at him, not the others, because they just watched him let you be excluded and assumed that he thinks you are an outsider too.
I would tell him before each time, that you would like him to invite you into all group interactions, make you feel welcome, call you sweet names at that event-like sweetheart and lovely bride- when they are addressing him as grandpa, include you in photos-like he wants you to be there, and be ready to ask him what you want from him, because if he doesn't make you feel welcome the group will just follow his lead.
I agree
This was so beautifully written! "I would tell him before each time, that you would like him to invite you into all group interactions." "--- if he doesn't make you feel welcome the group will just follow his lead." i think the key word is 'BEFORE'.
Your DH seems to have your best interests at heart, he is upset about how you are being treated by his offspring. You are very lucky in this respect. As others have commented, a history of being closer to BM would naturally create a situation where SS and his wife would turn to her first. Possibly adjust your expectations that you may not be considered a grandparent to the child, but as others have suggested, if you are allowed to take part in the child's life, be wary of the possibility of being held hostage by it.
Just a suggestion: I adopted two children which proved to be a diaster. Plus SD was an obnoxious princess for many years before i disengaged from her. This left an empty feeling in my soul. Luckily a friend recommended that I work at the school district. For 5 years I had all sorts of wonderful experiences with special needs children. It was very healing and rewarding.
'i think the key word is
'i think the key word is 'BEFORE''
Oh yes Sandye21, isn't it just. If they do it afterwards, they may as well not bother!
I think only natural
That the SDIL only wanted her mom at hospital. She is not likely fully dressed. I can understand that the mom did not want two showers, some would regard that as gift grabby.
Give it time.
I would tamper your
I would temper your expectations and see what develops. You can't make people want the kind of relationship you want, and they obviously don't see you as a mother and therefore, not as a grandmother. Of course the biological grandmothers are going to be the go-tos for babysitting.
I love my step grands like
I love my step grands like crazy and SD is good about letting me love on them. But I'm not "gramma." I'm Merry. And it's fine.
Give it time, and enjoy them when you have the opportunity. But don't make them the focus of your life.
My sgs's do call me grandma,
My sgs's do call me grandma, the parents kept experiementing with all sorts of names that were more PC but the kids kept reverting to gma so it stuck. like you I love on them and give them attention when I'm around them but they're not the focus of my life. DH lights up whenever he talks about youngest sgs which is his biograndchild, the oldest is his stepgrand from SDIL's previous relationship. I indulge him by listening and oooh and ahh to the stories and photos. They're cute kids but they have two sets of gparents already so I don't feel I need to be overly involved.
SDIL has asked me to babysit ALOT and I've had to turn her down alot! I have a job, my own kids and don't have time to do nanny care. A date night here and there is fine but sheez. Funny that she never asked DH, only me.
As suggested above, channel your maternal energies elsewhere. Plenty of kids out there that could benefit from volunteer time. Heck, foster babies or small children. There's so much need out there.