any help appreciated :(
the issue I am having is with my 19 year old step son. He has had a lot of trouble with the law in the past and right now is on probation and has a curfew of 11 p.m. He failed two grades in school so he is in grade 12 at 19 years old. He went to his first day of school, and got kicked out of school permanently the very first day for lack of attendance of the previous year and bad behavior. He has joined a school that is like a correspondence course program and he goes to school there about three or four hours a day 4 days a week. Hasn't worked for over 2 years. My daughter is 15 and she works about 25 hours a week goes to school full time and has great grades. It is extremely frustrating to me that my husband puts in 12 hour workdays I put in 9 hour work days my daughter between school and work is putting in 11 hour days ...19 year old step son puts in 15 hours a week at school. He will not lift a finger in this house he demands that Supper is made for him everyday. His dad bought him a car but he sold it and said he would rather smoke then drive. Dad is constantly putting money in his account... extremely frustrating and putting a toll on our relationship. He has admitted to stealing a lot of money from my daughter, his dad paid my daughter back! I have a counseling appointment for next week with my husband about this I just kind of want to get a heads up on people's opinions before I go to see if I am right at this is wrong! I actually really used to enjoy my stepson but now i feel like i have no respect the way hes living. I think my husband thinks as long as he is somewhat attending school that its fine. I feel he should be working. At 19 my son had an apartment.. was graduated .. had a good job and a new truck. And he paid rent from 18 to 19 years old which i regret as stepson pays nothing!
Of course you are right this
Of course you are right this is a terrible situation. Is there something wrong with your ss? As in a mental condition? Dad should have him on a very strict regimen of you do this this and this and this and this this this every day at these times of day. EVERY day.
If he screws up on this regimen he should have some kind of 3 strikes and you're out plan (adapted to however). Young man should know by now that dad's house is way nicer than jail and if he has no mental handicaps he should be expected to earn the privilege of living in the house by doing this plan or he will face having to figure out his living situation without the family's help. Don't care if he needs custody whatever because of probation. Tell probation officer you are resigning if kid screws up your house rules.
Dad's regimen should consist of various household and life chores. Tasks related to finishing his education, becoming employable, looking for employment, starting to pay room and board, etc. The regimen should be designed to get the boy in the habit of being an adult.
That's all on dad.
If I had a 15 year old daughter myself I would tell the court you don't want the little criminal anywhere near her and he will have to find other accommodations. So dad can rent an apt if he needs to, whatever. Jailbird is not living in the house with my 15 year old daughter the end.
BTW who the heck is making
BTW who the heck is making him supper upon demand every day? That is insanity to the nth degree.
If it's you, STOP. If it's dh, tell him to get an apt where he and his son can play Sanford and Son more like Pinky and the Brain all they want.
Lock him out when you all are
Lock him out when you all are out of the house. I'm dead serious, that's what I would do. I work way too hard , if anyone is going to be laying up in the bed at MY house, it's going to be ME. LOCK HIM OUT. He's an ADULT I was married at that age and had a car payment and apartment. He needs a friggin JOB. :jawdrop: :? :jawdrop:
This is part of the reign of
This is part of the reign of abject misery we brought down on the head of my SS (then 18) when he decided he did not want to go to college, get a job, or otherwise step up following HS graduation. We turned him into our beck and call boy chore bitch. We worked his ass off. If he failed to complete his very large daily chore list the next AM when his mom and I left for work he was left on the front step in his sleep togs with no access to the house until we returned home at the end of the work day. No cell phone, no game boy, no nothin. We made him so miserable and worked his ass off so hard that he joined the USAF rather than remain our live in unpaid chore bitch.
This 19yo needs a very firm and unpleasant contact with reality and the real world. So does his father.
It works. I had a do over sophomore year of HS and my head was rather forceably and unpleasantly extricated from my sphyncter with a do over sophomore year, Jr. year, and Sr. year at military boarding school.
You own his ass. Next tme he
You own his ass. Next tme he makes an ATM withdrawal from the funds of any other member of the household call the police and have his probation revoked. Follow that with a protective order and ..... End of problem.
If this causes your DH to bail on the marriage .... then good riddance to having that shallow and polluted gene pool out of your life and the life of your incredible daughter.
IMHO of course.
His father needs to require
His father needs to require more out of him. He's smoking, stealing, getting kicked out of school, all the while Dad keeps REWARDING his terrible behavior by giving him money that ss had done nothing to earn. If this was my brat I'd send him off to Job Corp and tell him that's his last chance. Stop making skid dinner, let him make his own.
Your SS is NOT the problem.
Your SS is NOT the problem. He is just doing what he is allowed to do. Your Husband is the PROBLEM and you know it:
"His dad bought him a car but he sold it and said he would rather smoke then drive. Dad is constantly putting money in his account... extremely frustrating and putting a toll on our relationship. He has admitted to stealing a lot of money from my daughter, his dad paid my daughter back! I have a counseling appointment for next week with my husband about this I just kind of want to get a heads up on people's opinions before I go to see if I am right at this is wrong! I actually really used to enjoy my stepson but now i feel like i have no respect the way hes living. I think my husband thinks as long as he is somewhat attending school that its fine."
As long as DH is going to make excuses for SS, give SS money, fix SS mistakes, and cover up SS crimes then the kid will stay a kid. Dad is in big time denial about what a problem this is and as long as you fight about SS then he can avoid his own complicity in the problem.
I would suggest that you direct your ire at DH and HIS behavior. Once the spot light is on him it might change how he sees his own son.
Your SS is a pathetic POS -
Your SS is a pathetic POS - but your DH is a close second for enabling SS's crap.