Am I Petty?
I am new to this forum, but I am sooo glad I found it as I am going crazy.
While my stepchildren problem are not as severe as those I have read about here, I still see problems. I have four SS's. Two are married and live out of town, one is married and is our neighbor, the other is a senior in college with a girlfriend. I also have a daughter who is a senior in college.
My problems are that the step kids want to make the calls about when they visit and since they are out town. My husband believes they can come and stay any time regardless of our plans.
- He does not care when they come and stay for a weekend or a few days that they do not help with the cooking, or dishes while they stay
- that they help themselves to whatever they want without asking,
- or that they choose where they will sleep even though I will have a place cleaned and ready for them
- or when they buy items to leave at our house, such as a foam mattress for a sofa bed that they now will not sleep on,
For example, this weekend, two of the stepsons and their families(each has a wife and a baby) called and told him that they were coming in. I have had plans for this weekend for a couple of months and he knew about them, but he would not tell them that I was busy and this weekend would not be a good weekend for us. Then on top of that, the SS who lives locally plans to do things at our house, such as this weekend while I was away, SS's and his wife had their daughter's (our granddaughter) birthday party at our house because all of the sons were in and hanging out there. They bought pizza and cupcakes and their 2 kids to our home even though they only live about a half a mile from our house. But they do not clean their home and thus do not have guests there, so since my house is clean it is fair game for whatever they want to do.
I am really hurt because all I want is for my husband to set some rules with the step kids about our home. He does not want to because the one time we did this resulted in the stepdaughter-in-law getting mad and telling everyone how evil I am since my husband allowed this activity before I was around. Just to let you know she was hanging out at our house for hours a day using the computer, watching TV, eating lunch, caring for her children at our house while I was gone to work and when I came home the house would be messed up so my husband talked to stepson about it and told him we did not want her in the house when we were not there. This is something adult children who have their own homes should not have to be told, but she got really upset. Her getting upset did not bother me like it did my husband, because I feel like we did was right. My husband also does not want his ex-in-laws to hear these types of things because then I will be run in the ground.
Are my issues with the step kids petty as my husband thinks they are or do they warrant some rules and boundaries? How can I get him to understand that since he thinks what I want is silly and unnecessary that he is unwilling to set boundaries, that I feel as if he thinks my feelings are not important. Am I making him choose between me and his kids here?
I agree with you.
These are not children anymore, they are grow adults with their own families. They should not have the right to canter in all over your home, period. This is your home, therefore, they should respect your privacy. Your DH is also catering, enabling their behavior. I do not think this is petty at all.
I think you need to sit down and discuss how disrespectful this is to you. After all, DH married you, brought you in and what does he expect you not to have any feelings there after? I mean, you're not the family pet!
Stuck in the Middle
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I used to have a handle on life. Then it broke.
Thanks, I needed to hear
Thanks, I needed to hear that. I am too the point after two years of telling him every time the step kids are around that I would like things different that I can't deal with it anymore. I love him, but how do I know that this is worth all of the heartache?
We don't.
unfortunately.
Perhaps maybe, when the kids come over and mess up your house, don't clean it up, just leave the mess that they leave behind in the very spot they leave it. Eventually, DH may get the point. Make him clean it, so to say?
Perhaps, you do not make yourself available when they are around? That's another step. If you put all the pressure on your DH, and vacate the building, so to say, your DH may get a better picture.
I don't have all the answers for you, but it's worth at least trying and never having answers. I do not think you should have to wait on everyone else, that's for sure. So, take a stand. Instead of talking, take action.
Stuck in the Middle
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I used to have a handle on life. Then it broke.
Not Petty at All
This is your house, right? When DH didn't explain to skids about plans, why not call them yourself and enlighten them? Rather than putting him in the middle, take the bull by the horns.
They're going to blame you regardless, right? So why not let them know first hand, directly from you how you feel? What have you got to loose? Their undying dedication and admiration of you?
There's a chance that a voice of reason will ring out inside their heads and make them realize that they respect you for being open and upfront with them. You can do this without degrading them, right?
So just tell them next time, directly, how you feel:
"No, sorry this weekend isn't good, we have plans."
"Hey everyone...you make da mess, you clean it up. I'm not the maid."
"I love ya guys, but that's not going to work for me...."
You can do this and it would be best if all these came directly from you. This time YOU lead, DH will follow...hopefully, but regardless, you let them know how you feel about "it."
This isn't you being petty, this is you setting guidelines in your house.
You're not petty!
My 14 year old stepdaughter is a pig because her mother is a pig. She leaves her DIRTY UNDERWEAR on the floor among other things. I have stopped picking them up and washing them. I leave them right where they are.
I am a cleanfreak so you can imagine how awful this is but I decided that fighting with hubby as well as stepdaughter is too much so I just close her door. I do not clean her room up or her bathroom.
You are not petty. You care and are trying to keep a clean home.
Stick to your guns!
Stand your ground! This is also your home. Things may have been different before you were around but now you are here in the picture. I agree, if they make a mess, let H clean it up. Let him go out and buy the food and cook for them. Tell your H that you understand he does not want to hurt his children's feelings, And you do not want to hurt them also. Tell him that you feel overwhelmed with housekeeping and entertaining when all the children come over. That it would be better if the 2 of you set boundaries for visitations. If the kids feel hurt, tell them that you did not mean to hurt them and that you are sure they understand that you and their father have decided that it would be better if their visit was better planned around the 2 of your schedules. Reaffirm that they are always welcomed, and that it would be better if they called you (because you know the household calendar better) so you can check the calender to see if that weekend will work. GOOD LUCK!!!!
petty
No, you are not being petty. I see this happen frequently if one spouse moves into the other spouses home rather than starting out with fresh place to live. If its his home and if his kds were used to being there when ever they wanted they think they should continue on with this even though you are there now.
Your husband is being very inconsiderate and taking you for granted when he does not tell them that neither of you are available if you already have other plans. I would put my foot down; I would not clean up after these people irregardless of how bad it gets; I would tell him he needs to make arragements to hire one of those cleaning agencies to come in and clean it up, also if I had prior plans I would stick to the schedule. He has a right to change his plans, but he does not have a right to change yours without consulting you. When it starts hitting him in the pocketbook he may change his mind.
Based on what you said I gather that what the daughter in law and the XILs think is more important than what you think.
Petty
"Based on what you said I gather that what the daughter in law and the XILs think is more important than what you think."
I often feel like that is exactly how he thinks, even though I know there are things he strongly disrespects about the daughter-in-law (her housekeeping and lack of parental responsibility for her children) and the XIL's (the unfaithfulness in their marriage) and yet they get more consideration than my feelings. He tells me that it is because he is trying to keep them all from thinking of me as the evil stepmother and I believe he thinks this is true and good for me. I have told him that those who will think of me as an evil stepmother, like our daughters-in-laws and his sons, may be doing so because of their lack of maturity because I am telling them something they do not want to hear - not that the rules he and I would be setting are inappropriate. It is more about them not being free to do as they wish, when they wish in our house and, yes, no matter who says it I will be the evil one, because these are changes that are being implemented after I came around.
I did not enter this marriage believing all of the family would be happy with me all of the time, but I entered to have a loving home with my husband and to try and make a family that involves all or our kids. As far as what the XIL's think, while I know they are the grandparents of my stepchildren and grandchildren, I do not tell them how to run their homes and thus I think they have no influence on how we run ours and if they feel the need to bad mouth our or my approaches, well I am not perfect and I may make mistakes or I may be stricter than they are and if they want to condemn me for that, so be it. I do not think my husband and I can live our lives to please all of our children and their significant others and their children and our parents and our XIL's - I just do not see that happening so I want to set limits for our home that he and I are comfortable with.
The problem is he does not see a need to change anything and thinks it is okay for this stuff to go on because most of the time the only impact on him is that he has to listen to me after something happens. This weekend at first he told me that two of the SDILS (the one that hosted the party at my house left after an hour leaving her husband and the grandchildren behind because she had to go watch a volleyball game) cleaned up after the party. Later when we were arguing, I learned that he came in the house to tell them goodbye as they were getting ready to leave and that he started cleaning up and then the other SDILs started helping him. This tells me that they were not planning to do so otherwise and he also told me he did this so that I would think better of his kids. Yes I appreciated that the house was cleaned up before I came home and that they pitched in and helped him, but when I am present, they will not pitch in and help do so much as put dishes in the dishwasher after I have prepared them meals. I would like my husband to realize that while I appreciate the steps he is taking, it is not solving the problem only smoothing things over at the time. He tells me he is on pins and needles when they come to visit because there is always something wrong. I have tried to tell him that setting boundaries will help so he does not have to always try and fix things - this will let the kids know what we want in our home and it make his life easier. Why would he pick up and clean up if he had not seen a need to do so and why would he want to pick up after adult children rather than just telling them, no this will not happen like this in our home??? Please help me understand.
Men. You can't live with
Men. You can't live with em. You can't kill em. Just kidding.
It sounds like to me that DH is trying to protect everyone's feelings. He doesn't want the kids to think badly of you. He doesn't want you to think badly of the kids. Does he not know that he can't control what other people think or do? Yet, he's trying to do that and in the process you're both miserable. To me, this is a control issue for DH, albiet with noble motivation, but control nonetheless. He needs to let go and let you be you in your own house.
If it were me, I'd let DH know that he needs to stop trying to protect everyone, trying to make things happen with the ultimate goal of making everyone like each other. He's putting undo stress on himself and on your marriage.
And if he thinks the ONLY impact is that he has to listen to your nagging, then he needs to get on this site and read your posts. This issue is causing you to be unhappy IN YOUR OWN HOME. So there's more impact than you bending his ear after everyone of their visits. Men are such dodo birds sometimes.
Look, if the Skids and SILs will help with DH's initiating it, then they'll help if you initiate it. It doesn't matter if they don't like it. No one likes to do the dishes, clean up the house, that's why it's called house-work, not house-play-around-and-watch-others-do-it.
I'm sticking with my original advise to just speak up about it. YOU are the elder, the wife, the woman of the house. It's your right and obligation to yourself to make it clear to the rest of them that you have expectations also. That's what a real family does. They talk to each other about what they want/need. And DH better support you!
Am I Petty
Thanks for all of the comments. You are reiterating what I have been feeling.
I did tell DH this weekend that he is trying to do things to make everything right with everyone but that he can't do that, as all he is doing is covering up the problems, not addressing them. I do not think he is ready to agree with me that something needs to be done yet though. DH is the type that if I take the approach that I am not going to do this or that, then he will hold me responsible for not making any effort, not assisting him, etc. He sees marriage as a partnership, as do I, but he is not yet recognizing that the partnership is not working in this area.
I have suggested saying things to the Skids and he thinks since our children are older that I should discipline and instruct mine and he should do so with his, the problem is that he does not think the things they do warrant correction. He has told me that I just need to start giving them tasks to do when they are home and I am trying to prepare a meal for about 15 people since they do not offer to assist. I see his point and I have explained that this is a learning area for me, before we married, I was a single parent of one child for about 15 years, so while I am used to tasking my DD, I usually do so as I am working and do not have my list of to do's ready in my mind to start tasking until I am ready to do them myself (if that makes sense). For example, I am preparing a salad, DD chops veggies, while I tear lettuce or time to set the table, I'm getting out glasses and remember, we need the icebucket, so I task her to get the icebucket. DD is used to how I work, so she also will ask do you want this or that done, we are just used to working together and because of this my first reaction is to ask her especially since she is in the kitchen with me, while they are sitting in front of the TV in the other room. My DD and I also had a deal and I have mentioned this many times in front of the Skids that if DD cooked, I cleaned up. This was a hint to them that they could offer to do the dishes, but it hasn't worked. I am considering just assigning dishes to a couple of the SS's (not their wives) after a big meal so that they will start to realize that this is not a free ride and maybe then their wives will realize too that it is pretty inconsiderate to get up and go in the other room after a meal.
Let me ask this - Last night, Halloween, one of the SS's and his wife brougth their 2 kids trick or treating at our house. I had big bags or treats made for both of them. My DD made up a bag of treats for each of them. The kicker is that the SDIL came in with a bag of treats for my DH and made a big deal of giving him treats for Halloween with the grandkids. She brought nothing for DD or me. While I did not expect anything, these actions make me feel slighted. I did all of the shopping for treats, make up bags, and decorate the house while DH does nothing. (Keep in mind this is the same SDIL and SS that had the birthday party at our house this past weekend). Am I looking for issues, or are my feelings legitimate? Also, I do understand that it would be hard for DH to correct that behavior and make them include me in such things, but I do feel like ocassionally a few appropriately placed comments would let everyone know that their behaviors can be hurtful. For example, after getting the bag of treats last night, he could have made a joke with the kids that they may have to watch out tonight because those who do not get treats may just do tricks to them, this says to them he realizes that they only provided treats for some and not all. I did not mention any of this to my DH, but I do know he recognized what occurred, because as the kids were getting ready to continue trick or treating, I got a call to go up the road to his Mom's house and help his sister who was having trouble getting his Mom to bed. While I was gone, he added the bag of candy to our candy bowl and when I asked him where a certain kind of candy came from in the bowl he said from the bag of treats they brought him. This was DH's way of making it right, by sharing it with me, but he doesn't realize that while his gesture is sweet, nice and considerate, it does not take the hurt of the slight away and he does not realize that everytime I am slighted, it hurts all over again, and it makes me wonder all over again, why am I even wasting my efforts to treat the Skids good. I know I am doing it for my DH, but can it work if he does not instruct them show me consideration???
boundries
I get where you're coming from needhelp63. My DH and I come from very different cultures. Mine, conservative, structured and traditional. His, Liberal, loose and crunchy. In the beginning I couldn't stand it. His siblings (he's one of 7) would come to our house and "borrow" my things without even asking. What??? I'd ask where my cd's were and he'd say oh I think xyz took them. Or, I would make a nice dinner, set the table and go to the bathroom, only to find everyone in the kitchen helping themselves to plates and eating on the couch. What happened to my Martha Stewart meal. The list went on, borrowing cars and not bringing them back for days. What I don't need my own car.
Okay long and short, for awhile there I think they all wished my DH didn't marry me. I'm not sure but I definitely stated my boundaries to my DH and he started complying with my requests. Thank God. I've also loosened up, maybe too much. Sometimes I don't know where I belong.
Even so, I understand.
Boundaries
Wow, I am upset with Skids in their 20's that do this, I would be livid with his siblings doing this so I can really understand your frustration.
The thing is that my DH and I really came from the same type of culture. For example, I asked him the other day if in his first marriage he would have planned and held a birthday party for one of his children at his parents home and he said no that it was his responsibility and not theirs. This is exactly how I was raised. We have a set of tables that many family members borrow when they are having a large function of some type. While they all know that we have them, they call and ask if they can borrow them, they do not just show and take them. This too is how I was raised. The fact that he recognizes the need to cover up or attone for some of their actions really kind of tells me that he does not agree with the actions or if he did not, he would not even recognize the behaviour as inappropriate.
I am glad that your DH recognized the need to set boundaries, please let me know if you have any tips in how I can accomplish this.
Can you call Mary's counselor? LOL
DH does not want you to be evil stepmother, well,then let him show them that you are someone worthy of respect.Also if his kids are so anxious to make you the evil step mother maybe that should say something to him.
Let's see ,do you deserve to be respected in your home? Sounds like it needs to be pointed out that it is indeed your home, that or you should should ask DH if you can go hangout all day at DIL's house or have your next get together over there?
I understand him just wanting to make everyone happy, not because I believe it is possible but because that is exactly what I am told, I just want everyone happy, well honey, I ain't happy! LOL
I would talk with Mary, (on this blog) has lots of grown kids, and Schildren and has been told by counselor ok to set boundaries, for DH to do this since his family , and from now on ,if they paln something let him take care of plans, in my book that is cleaning too, if SS and SDIL won't do it.
Also were your plasn with husband while SS come to town or independant. If independant , I would not chnage plans , just do what you plan , and explain, I am sorry I already had plans, if the plans involved your DH , he needs to make a choice and it only has one good answer where I am sitting.
Other question, where is SDIL's parents?
I could use someone with experience.
Thanks for the help, I do need a counselor and someone with experience to talk with, but I do not know how to get in contact with anyone on this forum.
My SDIL's parents at least the one who lives locally live about 20 minutes away, but I think the SDIL's mother has already set boundaries for her daughter and that is another reason she needs them in our home. This SDIL used to hang out at our house when we were not home, but she did not do this at her mom's, so this told me, her mother probably did not allow it. I have 2 more SDIL's whose parents live about 3 hours from us and closer to them.
Acceptance, Courage, Wisdom
As a step-mom to adult skids, I have found it is still important to set boundaries.
I know you really want your DH's support on this. He's not going to give it to you in the degree that you need. In these circumstances, I always go back to the Serenity Prayer that asks for courage to change the things I can, accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference. (while I'm not a recovering alcoholic, I have found this prayer to help anyway.)
So obviously you can't change DH's viewpoint or make him speak up for you to the skids. However, you can change how things are conducted in your home; it will take courage to speak up. So YES, give the skids "chores" when they are there. Directing it to the boys is probably a good way to start. Is that because you'll get more buy-in through them? Hey, whatever will work, right?
While I really, really understand that you shouldn't have to ask for their help, because adults should automatically know they need to "chip in," clearly this group either hasn't learned that or prefers to ignore it. It doesn't matter what the reasoning is, what matters is what you can change and what you can't.
You can't change DH's degree of support. So tell DH what you plan to do and notify him that he needs to stay out of your way on this. My guess he will honor that request because he doesn't want to be the lead on this anyway. He prefers to deny there's a problem. Well, some things are true whether you believe it or not. Deny the problem, but don't stand in your way to fix it. What's the saying?...something like, "Help or get out of the way."
You can't change that skids didn't include you in the gift-giving for Halloween. (Which BTW, giving your dad a bag of treats for Halloween is weird.) And you can't tell me they didn't purposefully ignore you on this one. No one can go to the trouble of making a bag of treats for their dad and "forget" his wife and what they should give her. It's rude and shame on DH for not speaking up. I'm not trying to judge him, but he should have said to them, "where's my wife's and her daughter's gifts? They're part of this family too." So shame on him for accepting the bag of goodies and for not speaking up.
They chose to exclude you and DD, which to me goes to the heart of the situation. They are treating you like a non-person...and DH is letting them!
In my experience as a step-mom to adult skids, it's extremely important to Own Your Position: Wife of Father, Woman of the House. That includes who does what in my house during family get-togethers, who helps, who doesn't, what choices I make. I don't care if they don't agree with my choices, I only care that they honor them.
For example, during a family get-together, I cooked with SDIL. One SS helped DH with the BBQ. However, the younger SS (age 24) and girlfriend (age 23) sat around on the computer during all this. Fine. We all loaded up our plates and ate dinner. As everyone was finishing, I grabbed a couple of empty plates and looked at SS who didn't help prepare and told him that he cleaned up. He sighed and pissed and moaned, but he did it. Did I care he was banging the pots and pans during the process, pitching a little fit (at age 24, mind you)? A little, but mostly I cared that he did it. I cared that he knew what my expectations are regarding my house. As long as I'm not unreasonable in my expectations then I become a valid member of the family AND everyone learns who I am and what my values are.
If taking this step seems overwhelming to you, then take the final step of accepting things they way they are. Your peace of mind is the most important. This turmoil you are experiencing, which believe me I know is real and fatiguing, is taking away from your peace of mind. If you simply cannot change the way things are, then try to learn how to accept it and let it go.
I am not trying to be preachy to you. I absolutely understand how you feel. I've been there. I am there. This is the best advise I can offer, based on my experience as a SM with adult Skids.
Acceptance, Courage and Wisdom
Thanks so much for your insight. I had not considered just taking the reins and doing things my way as I thought I was trying to build a family and be accommodating of my new family members.
I have been considering doing some disengaging - like not cleaning or cooking while they are there, not buying gifts, etc. as I am tired of being treated like a non-person as you say. A perfect example of this is I do not get birthday greetings from most of the stepkids nor do I even get a Happy Mother's Day from them. I do not want a gift but a card or a greeting for a person who does buy you and your family members gifts, who babysits the grandchildren, cleans the house and cooks for your visits and who does other motherly things for them to me is just hurtful and inconsiderate.
I am still having a problem with DH not standing up for me on their not acknowledging me on these occasions either. He is of the mind that they are adults and saying something will only cause hard feelings, but it makes me feel like he is okay with them doing hurtful things to me since he is unwilling to put a stop to it. So right now I am struggling with -- should DH be standing up for me where the kids are concerned or am I asking or expecting him to do something that he obviously won't do for me and then asking myself if that is okay with me.
Your comments about DH will not take action so I should is good advise, but how do I deal with my feelings of hurt and how he let me down because he will not ask that I be given the respect I deserve??
Whatever...
I think that once you take control in your house that things will become clear to DH and skids. They will learn that you have chosen to own your position. I am hopeful that they will learn to honor your position and the respect that follows it.
In regards to DH hurting your feelings, I go back to accepting that you cannot change someone. But you can change how you react to it. This may become a mind over matter situation where you anticipate that DH will NOT stand up for you, so learn to say "whatever." Try to accept that you can choose to let his assinine ways hurt you or not. Try to NOT let it hurt you by not giving what he does or doesn't do effect you.
At this point you have no reason to expect him to change, so don't be surprised that he doesn't. Reason follows that if you know how he'll act, then you can be prepared to not let it bother you or hurt your feelings. Right now, he's being a bit of an ass. And how hurt can you get by someone that walks on all fours? Just consider the source, say, "whatever" and remain strong in who you are and own that reality. Hopefully in time DH will see how cowardess he's been and apologize for making the wrong choice, forfeiting your feelings so he doesn't have to experience grieve from his kids. Don't let a coward's choices effect you.
I'm so harsh with your DH and I'm sorry. If I could I'd say these things to him for you, but since he's taken on behavior of a mammal that doesn't have opposing digits, it wouldn't do much good anyway.
Stay focused on what you CAN do and learn the mantra, "whatever, whatever, whatever..."