Stepmoms who have moved into the marital home
I married 10 years ago and moved into DH & bm marital home. DH got the home in the divorce as BM preferred to have the cash.
When I married, my dh & we were pretty much equal regarding assets. We sold my home & I moved into his home. We combined our furniture and other property and settled in.
The skids treated me as if I were living in their home and that all the property was theirs as well. Examples: MSD16 took marsh mellow sticks to a party (never brought them back), helped herself to shovel to use in a play she was in (never brought it back). OSD18 & MSD attempted to take some of my movies to a friends. They didn't ask they were just walking out the door with them & I stopped them and told them I did not want my movies leaving the house. Of course they did not like that & even dh was uneasy with me telling them no (since he has such a hard time saying no). OSD took a book and made a point to tell me she would bring it back (never did). Things disappeared, things torn up. It seemed YSS was taking an inventory of everything I brought to the marriage (he was 12 at the time) and he had the nerve to tell me that if anything happened to me & dh he would give back to my kids what I had brought in. I really resented that statement as this 12 year old thinking he was in charge. I told him it did not work like that. All of this may seem petty. I did not feel it was petty.
Also treated me as if I were the live in maid. OSD comes in from college, brings friends & leaves mess for me to clean up.
YSS was at bm's but calls dh (who was at work. he works nites) cause he wanted one of his friends to come to our home and get a game. It was after midnight & I get a call from dh warning me that YSS had a friend coming over to pick up a game. Yes, I was put out with dh.
I was treated very crappy. They were rude, excluded me, treated me as invisible.
Anyway. What are your thoughts with regards to the "Marital Home"
I moved in with my husband
I moved in with my husband shortly before we got married. He still lived in the house that he had lived in with BM. They were never married but they had obviously been common law. Right away, it didn't feel like my home. I found some of BM's old stuff - magazines, books, etc. - and it bothered me. I also found a hair of hers once and it was gross. My SD, who was 3 at the time, also made me feel like it wasn't my house. I don't know how to describe it - it was just the way she talked about all of her things and my husband's things. She was also always asking if I knew where things were in the house - like, "Did you know this is where we keep the cereal?" She only lived there half the time but I think she thought I was sort of a guest or something. She wasn't doing it on purpose, obviously.
I only lived there for a few months before we decided to buy a new house together. It was nice that my husband understood and since I had the money to buy a new house it made it a lot easier to convince him. We bought what is essentially my dream house on a golf course and I love it. I got to dictate where things went when we moved in. I was also able to purge a bunch of crap from the other house in the move. It was nice to start fresh after having lived in a home that my husband had established with someone else.
I live in the marital home of
I live in the marital home of DH and his ex.
The skids have not really done anything rude about me being there, they don't claim that it's not my house at all, it's "our home". The only thing from the kids is sometimes the youngest might tell a story like "when mom was here yada yada yada" but that's the extent of it.
At first I didn't think about living in their marital home much, then when I felt I should be settled in it started to bug me that it was "their" home first.
I insisted on moving and DH was supportive, understood my motives.
We tried looking at houses, but honestly we couldn't find anything as good as what we have now, we are in an AMAZING neighborhood that only has about 30 houses, so there aren't other homes available very often and the house fits us well. Our neighbors house sold for $10K over asking the DAY it went on a market, that was after someone put a full price offer on the house BEFORE it even went on the market and without seeing it!
I realized that it's in all of our best interest to just stay in our current house, I sometimes don't like it but we're going to be doing an addition and changing a lot of things so I'm banking on the house feeling totally different and like MY home once construction is done!
I would advise anyone
I would advise anyone entering a second marriage to sell both places and establish one that belongs to the two of you. No ex will feel entitled to enter her former home, and no skid will treat you as a guest. I made sure to mention to skids that we could afford this house because both DH and I were putting the sale of our homes towards it. That way, they knew I was NOT a guest in their home. Saves a lot of misunderstandings.
I live in the home DH and BM
I live in the home DH and BM lived in for about 7 years. It was simply the most economical choice. It doesn't bother me in the least. It was never a "home" to them. By that point, their always-disastrous relationship had devolved to the point where they had separate bedrooms. BM pretty much trashed it and no one wanted to ever visit. Since I moved in after we got engaged, it's been completely remodeled (except the kitchen and second bathroom), it's beautifully decorated, and visitors love to come. We host Thanksgiving and Easter dinner every year. The house is finally a HOME. I don't think of BM or their past life at all. That life sucked. DH has zero happy memories before I was there.
That being said, DH and I do plan to buy a new house, hopefully, after SS15 is grown and gone. (Six more years till he's 21 and we're no longer required to provide BM our address!) Hopefully a brand-new house no one's ever lived in before, with no negative juju!
I made the huge mistake in
I made the huge mistake in moving into the marital home once we got married, selling my own home in the process. Biggest mistake every! Oh now I was smart enough to insist that the marital home be placed on the market prior to our marriage. But because BM and H over extended themselves on the house note, H had to refinance the home when they got a divorce and H had to take out a second mortgage to "pay her off" in order to get the divorce H owed more on the home than what it was worth. So I was stuck. I NEVER felt like it was my home. Even though H always told me "this is your home too". My belonging were always mistreated. I was an outcast who didn't belong, but was good enough to be their slave. End the end I was told "LEAVE MY HOUSE". I was out of there before he could finish the sentence.
My advise is to never share the martial home whether it be his or yours. Get your own place. And if getting your own place isn't feasible, then by all mean make sure your name gets placed on the deed!
I did this and I am good. I
I did this and I am good. I resent it sometimes, but I also kept my house and rent it out and make a hell of a profit. I did re-decorate massively including, Bay windows installed, new doors and all new paint through out the house. It doesn't look anything like it did. We stayed here because our BS and SS have best friends that live down the street and the housing market collapsed when we got married and it made financial sense. Now 5 years in and I will buy another property for us to live in in a year on my own and we will live there. In the city. DH won't have the money to put into that, but I will and it will be mine. He understands. We will never sell the houses, just rent them out. The movie industry is moving in here and rentals are in high demand.
I think you can make it work, you just have to make it your own. As for the Stepkids, they get no say in anything, beyond their room. Nothing belongs to them. Make them understand that and it will be fine. At least this part of blended life can be fine.
It is so miserable to feel
It is so miserable to feel like an unwelcome guest in your own home. I too have many stories. I just shared a few. A person should feel safe in their own home. I remember one evening I was laying on the couch watching tv and I know my ss was sneaking taking pictures of me. I think he wanted to get one of me falling asleep with my mouth wide open and drooling or some other glamorous shot. I could go on and on. thank you all for sharing and for all the wonderful advise.
My dh & I have purchased a new home and pretty much settled in. Now I am dealing with adult skids jealousy. We had lived in our new home a couple months when the YSS wanted to come over. We had not seen him in about a year although he had talked to dh a couple times on the phone. SS calls & is on the phone with dh trying to decide when would be a good time to come over & visit & see the new house. While my dh was on the phone with ss, he asked me if the next day would be okay. I said no, we have friends coming over for dinner. I had planned this get together a couple weeks prior. SS pushed and insisted that particular day was the only day he could come and dh told him it was okay. He came over, looked the house over. Never complimented the house but was polite although I felt he was rude with regards to my new living room furniture. SS was sitting on the arm of the love seat and then would flop down hard onto the love seat. He did that several times. After he left my dh was trying to weigh out if his son was being rude or just ignorant. By the way, that was 3 or 4 months ago and we have not heard a word from him since. He will not answer the phone when dh calls him, nor does he return calls.
Before we moved into our new home, I purchased a small but nice kitchen table & four chairs for our breakfast nook in the new house. Since we were still living in the old home, I stored the table in our spare bedroom. OSD comes over, spends the nite and never even mentions anything about my table. My DIL had come over a couple days before and walked into the spare bedroom and says "wow" what a nice table. I just don't understand. While we are in the process of moving, OSD has us babysit her 5 year old son. I love my grandson and we made the best of it but I thought that was very inconsiderate. We purchased new furniture which was a very big deal for me as my dh would rather save money and buy used. Each time OSD would come over she would question, did you get this on craigslist?, did you get that on craigslist? Was it very expensive? all these questions but no compliments.
I am just thankful that after 10 years of living in the marital home to have moved into our new home. I am thankful to finally have something that the skids have no history. I am also thankful that my dh did this for me. I heard him telling his brother that although he likes the new house and especially his new shop, but that he also really wanted to make his wife happy. I am
I have so many stories. like
I have so many stories. like so many here. about living in my DH and BM's marital home. But the most recent was 2 nights ago. My DH's mother has alzheimers. I was her caregiver for a long time and she comes over every week. Every time she comes over she asks where she is. When my stepchildren are here they always answer it is Dad's home. Leaving me out. Even though I have lived here with him for 6 plus years. It is the same thing every time. They never say it is Dad and stepmom's home. Even though I spend more time with her than any of them and she actually remembers me better. Even though the doctor says that kind of thing is important.
My DH won't help me paint the rooms. In 6 years I have painted 2. But I have to do all the work myself if I want to change anything and he gets upset.
I can remember while living
I can remember while living in the marital home my dh telling me the dreams he had for fixing up the house while he was still married to his ex. He described his dream for one room that had an entry door. The room would be a utility room with washer, dryer, freezer, and he wanted lockers. A locker for each of his kids and for him and for his then bm wife. Each of them could then keep coats, sweaters, etc. He just wanted lockers for convenience, not necessarily to lock up things. Anyway sometime later I am telling my adult DD my dream for fixing up the house. After my DD left my DH was upset with me and we had a few words. Not really fighting but communicating. He still had his same dream for the house and when I told him I did not want to fix the house up for bm and skids he realized a little how I felt.
Sorry that you are alone in fixing up your home. After living in the marital home for 10 years I would always recommend to anyone getting married to sell both homes and purchase a neutral home that has no history for any involved.
I moved into the marital home
I moved into the marital home and got flack from ss26 and ss30. I heard things like, "this is MY house, I'm not a guest." "Does this belong to the house or is it yours?" ss30 was asking about various items that he wanted to take. They also got upset at changes and renovations DH and I have made saying, "why didn't you do any of this while we were here?" Poor widdle babies don't like change. Babies don't like that daddy got married and they don't have full run of the house.
DH and I are entertaining the idea of buying a new home. I keep enticing him with a "you need a bigger shop." We'll see what happens.
I live in the home my DH and
I live in the home my DH and BM bought together. We used to sleep in the same bedroom they shared, and I was in the same physical space (not same bed) where she slept. We took over the two back bedrooms of the house and changed what was our bedroom into a little livingroom. We moved the bedroom to the the other room, and now I have my own space to escape to when all of the kids are home. Complete with two TV's (one in each room), a small fridge, a half bath, wine, my books, and my computer. A couple of weekends ago, I was sick and didn't step outside our little apartment the entire time.
I've made it work. Every inch of wall has been repainted throughout the entire house. I repainted the kitchen cabinets, brought in my own touches, and now, I love MY home. In a year, I will have been living here longer than she did, and at that point, I will consider it completely my house - not hers. She never lifted a finger to change anything in the home when they bought it. It's a little strange, but I feel the house has accepted me in a way it never did her. I feel safe here, it's my home.