Grandparents like my SD more than my son
Why? Why? Why?
I don't expect my in laws to dote on my 2 BDs. Fine whatever but they favor my SD8 (1st granddaughter) more than our 8 month son to they point that it makes my feel awful.
Yes they like our son but when SD is around the world revolves around her. And she doesn't even like them. She won't show them any affection at all! (Even my 2 Bios will give the step-grandparents hugs every time they see them) She only pretends to like them because they let her do anything AND everything she wants.
My DH is working out of town and going to school so he is very busy and overwhelmed.
When he makes it home to see us when SD is not there the IL say "It's too much for him all that driving." (which IS true) But...... They get livid with him on the RARE occasion he can't return home when he has visitation.
WTH?? Why aren't we important too??? (SD8 shows no affection for dad, won't even call him dad unless she wants something.)
It make makes me feel like crap.
I've always been nice to them and thought we got along fairly well. But now it is even extending to my DH's aunt.
He stays with her while he's working to save $ and help her out, chores, repairs etc.
I was going to visit him when he couldn't get home because he was on call.
He told me not to and finally told me it's because aunt doesn't want me in her house.
What did I do? I've been racking my brain and come up with nothing and asked my DH too he couldn't understand why either.
But... when he's on call he takes SD with him and SHE gets to stay in the house. Aunt even watches her when he get called out! And she's a rude little brat! She's extremely difficult to watch because she relentlessly seeks attention.
I feel like they are trying ostracize me on purpose.
I think it's time to set some
I think it's time to set some boundaries.
They come into MY house all the time, no call, nothing, just walk in after a brief knock.(Aunt included)
I always did my best to make them feel welcome and even when it was an imposition. Open door policy, southern hospitality.
No more, I'm done.
I will be limiting GP time. They may see the kid if they call first. My doors will be locked from now on. No more SD spending nights with GP.
All or none. All the kids included (even my 2 BIOS) or none!
They will have no say in what my kids eat, what they wear, or where they sleep.
My SD is only here 6 nights a month so I put the baby crib in her room while she is not here (he's not sleeping well in mine anymore) he sleeps in my room on the nights she is here so he doesn't wake her up at night. No big deal right? Practical? My girls share a room.
My MIL was PO'd at me.
"Well!! SD was here FIRST! She shouldn't have to give up HER room! That's her space!"
I tried to reason that SD is barely here and we NEED the space. Why should we have a room sitting empty when we really need to use it?
(MIL also tells me I shouldn't discipline SD at all because "you should be REALLY nice to her so she will like you more than her mom and want to come live with you." exact words)
And as my final act as being made to be "Wicked Step mother" I will be moving that little snot down to the semi-finished basement bedroom so she can have her "very own space". At least she won't be jumping up and down over my head at 6am on sat AM's waking everyone else up too.
I think you are expecting to
I think you are expecting to much.Let me explain. I have 2 grandchildren. My grandson is 3 and my grandaughter is 2 months old. My grandson lived with me for six months. I have seen my granddaughter twice since she was born. Both are the children of my oldest daughter. Now, I'm sure I'll love them both just as I did my two girls, and treat them the same, but still differently. My grandson is at an age that is really fun. My granddaughter is just an eating, pooping, crying machine. My grandson will always have a special place because he was... well, first.
As far as a stepgrandchild, I suppose I would feel the same about that child as I do about my stepchildren, just as I'm sure you feel differently about your bio-children as opposed to your stepchild. It is biological and cannot be helped. I'm sure once your youngest child gets older, they will treat that child the same as their oldes grandchild, but they will never be the same with your children as they are with children fathered by their son.
If you're honest with yourself, you'll find that you would probably feel the same way. It is not fair to keep them from their grandchildren simply because you think they should be doing the same for your children that have not been fathered by their son. I'm sure your parents don't treat your stepchild like they do your children.
I thnk too that you should consider the feelings of your husband with regard to his parents and his children. I know if my husband told me that my children could not spend the night with my parents unless his did too, he'd be looking for a new place to live.
It's problem because my SD's
It's problem because my SD's behavior is awful after IL's are involved. (I even feel sorry for BM, the devil reincarnate, when she gets this kid back after being w/ IL's.)
They undermine me and my DH and make me out to be the bad guy no matter what I do.
They want be to be a "mom" to SD and treat her as fairly as possible. Which I do. I would never do anything to her that I wouldn't do to or for my BIO's.
An example SD8 gets it into get head she wants to climb up on the roof. DH and myself say "no way" (common sense right?) and there is grandpa getting out the ladder.
When we ask her to do something she doesn't want to (like pick up her room) She starts whining "When am I going to Grandma's?"
Herein lies the problem.
Here's the most recent example:
MIL "likes" me if I'm passive. If I have an opinion about how to raise the kids that differs from her own she lashes out on me. She treats my son (her 1st and only grandson) like he is not as important as SD.
My 2 bios like her but they ask me why she likes SD more than them.
My 9 year old asked my MIL "Why does SD get everything she wants?"
MIL - "You get stuff from your grandma too!"
BD9 - "I know, I don't want you to buy me stuff. I love you whether you buy me stuff of not."
MIL _ "I buy you guys stuff all the time."
BD9 - " I like it when you bring me presents, but I love you anyway."
MIL - "Your grandma buys you stuff all the time. I'm just not going to buy you kids anything anymore."
I intervened and changed the subject.
MIL called my husband up and told him my daughter was being a little snot.
MIL is still mad at BD9. She didn't hear a word my daughter was trying to say. She's so materialistic.
MIL is really ruining this child and I will not allow her to ruin my kids. If she wants SD to be "my kids" SD will be held to the same expectations and receive the same privileges as my BIO's.
I'm not banning MIL and FIL from their grandchild. I am demanding appropriate behavior on their part. If they choose not be healthy for my kids they are making the choice to not see them.
I WANT them in our lives. But I don't need the extra drama.
DH is fed up as well and agrees with me. His daughter is extremely disruptive when returning from his parents. We agree on parenting styles 99.9% of the time and compromise on the rare occasion we disagree. He is very insightful. We approach things as how can we make this better. And we have both agreed that it will be best to set some guidelines for his parents. One of his suggestion is if his 'rents start undermining us they will be asked to leave.
I don't expect MIL to feel the same about my BIO's as they are not related to her. My son is a different manner. But they will not mess up my potentially "perfect" happy little boy. He's such a blank slate and such an easy going child, always happy. He will not be turned bratty and spoiled.
I used to think this about my
I used to think this about my parents too. My oldest daughter is very close to my parents. My younges, not so much. They are different children. My parents would spoil my oldest something fierce while she visited with them. I used to get irritated about it too at the time. However, now that I have had the experience of being a grandmother, I can understand what is going on. I am just as guilty of the same behavior. Its different for grandparents. We don't HAVE to raise our grandchildren. That's what their parents are for. We just get to love them and spoil them.
My in-laws don't pay much
My in-laws don't pay much attention to Gibby, which doesn't make sense to me. He is the son Loghead and I have together; it's not like he's my son from another relationship. Gibby IS their biological grand-child.
They've always had a "been there, done that" attitude when it comes to him, like they've already had all these other grand-kids before so they don't have time for another one. Whatever.
At least they're good with the skids, who are teens now, and they take them off my hands every few weeks. My MIL invites them over for the weekend, feeds them full of their favorite foods, lets them do whatever they want, and they help her and my FIL around the house.
Gibby hates to go there, so on the rare occassion we ask them to "babysit" we have them come over here.
He's a great kid. It's their loss.
this has been a big issue at
this has been a big issue at my house as well. We have ss12, bd12, bs11, and our dd together who is 8. SS used to live here but moved in with bm about 3 years ago when dh was deployed to Iraq. Dh's mom drove a 3 hr round trip eow to pick up ss and have him all weekend-she did both pickups and dropoffs as bm diddnt have a license at the time. Now, my kids and myself live15 minutes from her and she saw them maybe twice during dh's 10 month deployment. Damn, I was pissed. I didnt even know at first, nor did dh. He knew that his mom might pick up ss once in awhile but he had no idea of every other weekend. We found out by ss calling here and bragging about all the fun he had at grandma's. I started bitching at dh about his mom and he tried to defend her at first-saying "oh, she's too busy to get the kids (my kids) and Im like um, she drives 6 hours eow and keeps ss all weekend. She doesnt even want to see my kids for an afternoon. I wasnt looking for a babysitter at all just looking for my kids not to get their feelings hurt. My two bio kids have been in dh (and grandparents) life since they were 1 and 2 so it's not like they have no relationship with them. MIL was buying ss gifts, giving him money, buying him clothes. For his bday she spent almost 200.00 on him. My dd (her bio granddaughter) had a bday two months prior to ss's and she bought her a 10.00 gift. It's not the money that counts-it's just that it is such a blatant preference. SS immediately called and bragged to the other kids about his bday gifts (he told each child individually and also told them that MIL had told him not to say anything to them about it). For about 18 months after dh came home I didnt have anything to do with them. didnt go to the family gatherings, nothing. I let him take the kids over there occassionally if he wanted to, but I also let my bios know that they were free to stay home if they liked and they did at times. I didnt feel I had the right to do that with our dd as dh had a right to bring her over if he liked. I know dh has addressed this with mil and he got to the point where he was very upset to after he realized how blatant it was. Finally MIL just stopped picking up ss as dh told her if you can't spend time with all the kids then you can't spend time with ss. So she chose not to spend time with any of them. It amazed me-she just doesnt seem like the kind of person to be this way-but she felt totatlly justified. SS was talking up a storm about how cruel I was and she believed him so she felt so sorry for ss-he had a crappy bm and a wicked sm. Poor thing. Although she did finally wake up a bit when ss went back to bm's and told her bad things about inlaws and bm called and bitched at mil and threated not to let him come.
i think your husband needs to
i think your husband needs to ask his aunt what exactly her problem is with you.
it could be that the inlaws are included in this problem. you husband needs to be more direct with them
I thought I was the only one
I thought I was the only one who went through something like this. I have had my feelings hurt numerous times as most of my inlaws have little to do with my DH's and our DD. DH's grandfather is the big exception to the rule and loves her to death. However, since MIL raised SS15, SS13, and STBSS12, since they were 4,2, and 11 months, she, her husband, and SIL have a special bond with these three. I used to love visiting my now DH when we were only dating as I just knew if we were to ever get married and have a baby, I would have the best MIL in the whole world. Unfortunately, it did not happen that way. My BS10 is not mistreated in any way really, he is treated as a step-grandchild where they are nice to him and such. MIL has recently began asking about BS10's football games. However, when I found out I was pregnant 14 months after we started dating, I was scared to death. I was so scared that I told her before I told DH. I thought she would be there for me but instead, her and FIL were extrememly angry with us both. I didnt get pregnant to become married because I was just getting my life together, new truck, good paying job, etc. etc. . However, I think this might be how it was taken as his first wife claimed to be pregnant and they made him marry X. DH and I did not get married in fact until our DD was almost 2. I think in-laws were afraid it would cause trouble with BM, same I as was regarding my X. I was not allowed to speak of the baby around them or they would change the subject altogether or just turn their heads. Then when I was about 6 months pregnant, my MIL decided she wanted to take me maternity clothes shopping. I was touched, it was a very nice gesture. When DD was born, I knew I was going to set boundaries because I did not want MIL and them to "take over" DD. I felt like my XMIL had done this when BS was little and I wanted to ensure everyone knew I was the mother. I never told them DD could not go to their house nor did I ever stop them from seeing her. I think this was left unspoken because I never really had any trouble in that aspect. I am respected as DD's mother and for that I am thankful. However, DD is rarely invited to go places with IL's even when SS's are not there. Maybe it is her break from kids altogether as SS's can be a handful but that is all kids at times. I leared when DD was small that MIL was afraid to get attached to her in case something happened between DH and myself. I still get upset and bothered sometimes when I see my DD being treated differently, but when I am rational about it I realize it has nothing to do with DD and more to do with their feelings towards SS's. There have been times though when I could just pitch a fit such as when DD was playing on the table and MIL felt the need to remind DH that SS's would have never gotten away with that, or when she didn't want to hold DD as a baby too much because she did not want to be accused of spoiling this one as she was of YSS. And then there are the times she would tell my SS's to tell her NO when she wanted something because she was being spoiled. (I think inlaws were upset because DH had a baby that could have possibly taken SS's place, which could never happen.)
My DD is also the only granddaughter on both sides. And, yes I do get mad that husband doesn't put his foot down and say if you cant love one you cant love them all. But, I am hoping that as DD gets older, she will eventually have some sort of relationship with her grandparents but in the meantime, my DD goes to my mom's EOW and more often during school breaks. She also spends time at home with me and DH. It is tough, I know. There are times when I just want to grab her and run. However, I would not insist IL's take DS and BDs because you never know how they will let SD treat your BC, afterall SD seems to rule the roost over there.
Good luck and "hugs"! Things will get better someday.