Help I hate my step daughter!
Help! I have a wonderful husband, my best friend. We agree on parenting styles almost completely. He's so good with my children and our bio child. We don't even disagree on parenting his daughter.
The problem is I hate his daughter. She's 8. She's constantly attention seeking (a lot of it positive.) She acts like a 3 year old. She asks stupid questions that she already KNOWS the answers to. They say she has ADHD but she doesn't she has a severe attention seeking disorder (like her mother)(I have a lot of professional experience with ADHD children.)Her bio mom drugs her up so even she can stand her.
No drugs at our house = No change in behavior
She causes upheaval the minute she walks in our door. She has no empathy for anything it's scary. She's spoiled and manipulative. She's a brat.
I can't stand her. I feel like my house is being turned into a "No Child Left Behind" program and our children that do have some potential are suffering the consequences because we are so wrapped up in managing this child's issues. (Which I'm quite sure is this child's intention whether she realizes it or not she LOVES it.) Ignoring her is impossible because her need for attention is so deep I'm not sure what she is capable of.
We've sought help but they chalk it up to ADHD. Give her a pill and fix the problem. That's all. Don't look for another cause. Turn her into a Zombie for a while and sit her in front of the TV.
This child has DEEP psychological issues due to emotional abuse from her mother. I don't and won't feel sorry for her anymore. Are people going to feel sorry for her her whole life? Not a chance. She needs to learn another role besides "victim."
The worst part about it, The part that just pushes me over the edge in my disdain for this child is the fact that she doesn't even like her dad. And he sees it too. She just uses him to get what she wants be it materialistic or attention.
I don't even want her in my house or around my children anymore. I've told my husband as much. Threatened to leave my best friend because of this child. Threatened to leave if I have have to deal with her or even see her. It's unreasonable. I know but I can't stand it anymore.
Thanks, It's nice to know
Thanks,
It's nice to know someone out there "gets it." I've tried changing my perspective on this child. I'm a Psychology Major and I can't get over this.
I feel like such a bitch for feeling like this and it's not so much anger I'm feeling, but more frustration. I have way too much going on right now to waste any more of my valuable time on this child, who will never recognize, appreciate, nor utilize anything we try to teach her.
I don't believe this child is "evil" I believe this child is poisoned. She comes from a mentally unstable, attention seeking (possibly histrionic) mother. The psychological damage done to this child might have been repairable had the ADHD medication "crutch" not been added to the picture.
If she doesn't want to listen she pretends she is not paying attention or plays stupid like she can't understand. This child has so many psychological defense mechanisms embedded into her personality that she is barely able to function when presented with anything remotely associated with emotion.
Her whole life after age 2 has been a "Poor her," "She's been through a lot," pity party. I might feel sorry for her IF she didn't use it to manipulate everyone.
(Her sister died of SIDS, the ex felt guilty, Blamed my DH because she had to find some way to deal with it, He stood trial for the murder of his daughter, found unanimously Not guilty by jury. The ex still blames him verbally in front of their daughter)
Yes a sad story but she was so young when it happened that she wouldn't even remember, instead Bio mom drags her to "grief classes" so someone can share in her misery because bio mom played the "poor me" thing up so much that everyone (even the church she attended) saw it was an attention seeking ploy.
My question is:
At what point does this child be held responsible for her own actions and behavior and we stop playing "poor me"?
I knew that was your
I knew that was your signature. I just thought it posed an interesting question. More of a self reflection really .
I have the capacity to help this kid and the initiative as well but all the progress we make with her is gone the second she steps out of our door. The reality is we don't have her enough to make a difference.
My in laws were causing trouble (like normal) and I told my husband "either she's part of our family all the time or not at all." (no more running to grandma and grandpa)
I have a book you might like. It's a free PDF from this website:
http://www.raffinews.com/files/child_honouring/child_honoring.pdf
I liked it so much I bought it on Amazon.
I haven't finished it yet but so far I love it.
Seriously check it out, it's free. It's required reading from my child psych class and not at all what I expected.
As far as the trial the ex
As far as the trial the ex failed a polygraph relating to the events/accusations of the death. She basically committed perjury.
This child is capable of growth and development like any other child. She will never change unless she is removed from the custody of her mother and receives only supervised visits. Environmental/social influences are too detrimental.
I've done quite a bit of research on this family via friends (past and current) There is a pattern be it biological or learned behavior. Emotional manipulation and attention seeking are reoccurring themes passed on mother to daughter.
Try convincing a judge this. Bio mom "shops" around for psychiatrists, counselors, etc. When they try to objectively asses. Guess what? Bye bye old mean therapist. Hello nice new therapist (at least until they say something productive) who gets to sympathize all over again.
And seeing as that's not about to change anytime soon, every other weekend of mine can be one of two things, my living out of a suitcase knowing my husband is being used and emotionally manipulated or I can witness it myself while my very impressionable children witness it too.
Did you check out that book?
Did you check out that book?
I have an advantage, My
I have an advantage, My husband is very insightful and reflective. This helps but does not fix the problem. It's a catch 22.
The kids WANT to be taken elsewhere. Then they get Dad all to themselves 100% focused attention. Getting you out of the way is their goal whether they know it or not.
On the other hand my kids are more important, they possess social skills, empathy, honesty and the ability to express themselves honestly and function in society.
I told my husband I would never make him choose between his daughter and I but he is making me choose between him and the future well-being of my kids.
I didn't sign on for this packaged deal, visitation was after we married.
Here's what I do.
Because I can't stand my SD, I let her rotten behaviors work against her.
I'll take my kids swimming/camping/grandma's and she is aware of this.
I will tell her that she is not coming with because of her behavior (i.e. you weren't following directions. or whatever the issue was.)
She will sit at home (while dad does boring homework) missing out on fun (I usually choose an activity she is very fond of to emphasize my point.)
Viola! I don't have to deal with her. My kids see that appropriate behavior is rewarded.
Sounds cruel?
A bit maybe but it's a life lesson.
If she cannot control her behavior she misses out. If she manipulates and uses people, they don't want to be around her.
yes, it does sound very
yes, it does sound very cruel. not the punishment and boundaries, but the place they are coming from.
if you are at a point where you cannot stand your husband's daughter, you need to be honest with him about your feelings so at least he can respond to them in a protective way towards his daughter ie: by understanding that you have limits and it is damaging to his daughter if you are setting all of the boundaries in the household.
i suggest that as a psychology major, and as a human being, you need to assess your limits and take a step back from the situation before you contribute to the trauma that your SD has already experienced. it sounds like she is very, very, challenging and that you would benefit from counselling with your husband to deal with her, if as you wrote, she is unable to receive good therapy because it is blocked by her mother (how frustrating).
as you are aware that her issues are much deeper than ADHD, and that her mother perpetuates everything with instability, remember that there is the possibility that she can develop under your husband (and your) household, children are more resilient than we think.
as challenging as it seems, you and your husband are going to have to muster up a lot of strength and energy and tap into more support if you want to divert the downward spiral of an 8 year old .
good luck and take care of yourself
My DH and IL's believe that
My DH and IL's believe that she is a "gifted" child not ADHD. That is why she no longer receives the medication at our home. She is NOT gifted, she is average in school but she is NOT gifted.
She is screwed up psychologically.
The Psychiatrist in order to not make waves said that it is okay to not take her medication. She used to take her meds before they got the DOC's go ahead. BM believes in drugging her as much as possible. The ONLY change in her behavior was that she didn't have her "stoned" dazed out period when the drugs kick in. (Which in my opinion is wrong)
and so as to not make problems for her my DH gives her empty pills because SHE thinks she needs the meds.
She really isn't disobedient when directed. She doesn't really negatively attention seek. She constantly asks questions that she already knows the answers to, over states EVERYTHING, and points out the obvious. WTF? Is this child that stupid? No she's not.
She excessively seeks positive attention. Which makes it all the more frustrating.
I don't want to be mean to her but after an entire weekend of this my brain hurts.
For example:
"Can I color?" * "sure" *
"Where is the blue crayon" * "in your hand" *
"Oh!" (giggle, giggle, I'm so cute and shy look) *Puke*
"Where is the Red crayon" *ignore her*
"Oh! It's right here, right by the blue crayon,
that I had in my hand, that I couldn't find before,
cuz it was in my hand the whole time"
(giggle, giggle, I'm so cute and shy look) *Puke again*
"Right Dad? I couldn't find the crayon but it was
in my hand the whole time?
(giggle, giggle, I'm so cute) * (Is this kid stupid? or what?)*
"Do you like my picture?" * "Yes, it's very nice"*
"It's a flower" * "Yes it's a nice flower"*
(giggle, giggle, I'm so cute) *ignore her* Then she'll switch to
"I want to paint" etc.... something else if we start to ignore her.
I know she is not ADHD because when she is with me alone I just ignore her completely now and she will sit at the table and color just fine on her own for extended periods of time until dad walks in the room (whom she only call 'dad' when it's in her favor otherwise it's his first name)
Sometimes I'll look her straight in the eye when she is interrupting and ask, "Do you need attention right now?" She say no look down and walk away.
She complains that when her mom forgets or is late with her meds she gets headaches but she "Never gets them at dad's house." in her own words.
Interesting? Placebo + suggestibility + attention seeking. Hmmmmm....
She has learned that she likes being treated like a baby. My husband and I try to encourage age appropriate behavior. He'll even ask her if she needs a bottle or her diaper changed and she does not like this at all especially in front of my bios. It helps but then she goes home and we are back to square one.
Auroradusk.... my sorrow goes
Auroradusk.... my sorrow goes out to you. You have quite a lot to deal with there.
Also, some of this sounds very familiar to my SD. BM was emotionally negligent. We also feel that BM is narcissistic, but SD's therapist thinks BM is histrionic. To some extent SD suffers from some low self esteem (or used to), and also from reactive attachment disorder. She was 8 going on 9 when I met her. She used to live 50/50 DH/BM when I first met DH. She was manipulative and somewhat bratty. Definitely spoiled. She came to live with my husband and I in 2008 (at 14) for 8-9 months with us and 3 with her mom, and in 2009 I gave up my career so SD could live in DH and my home full time. She is now 16 going on 17 and doing a thousand times better.
She was extremely quiet and shy but constantly sought attention through her clothing or her viewpoints when she was younger. She would try to flash the "aren't I cute" look as often as we would let her get away with it. She was and still is however, a huge daddy's girl. So I had to conquer the whole "I am taking daddy's time away" as well as the other stuff.
All I can tell you is to get your husband on the same page and start NOW. I was lucky in this, and it sounds as though you are too. Stop letting DH treat SD like a victim. SD is a victim of a negligent mother. Some of her behavior is age-related, and some is environment related, but at this point, it is time to start treating her as you would your own children. And don't worry about hurting her feelings. What we did here was explain to her WHY we were hurting her feelings. Which means, "Yep, you don't like this, and we know it, but we aren't going to change it, so deal..." In our world, we don't apologize for setting SD straight... but we generally let her know why we say the things we do.
Raise her as you would the other kids and don't let your fear of "what she might do" stop you.
And now... for the really radical thought... instead of not seeing her, would you ever consider taking her? She needs hard core consistent action / reaction - YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM programming - at home and by a therapist.
Believe me, I know what a huge undertaking this is. But the child is 8. And like you said, you can see how hard it will be for her in the world without adequate intervention. My husband and my biggest regret is that we didn't take SD so much sooner than we did.
Let me know if I can help. I really do feel like I have lived thru what you are going through.
If she already hates dad then
If she already hates dad then it's time for some tough parenting. When she wants something tell her no. When she pretends she doesn't understand, ask her how old are you? when she says 8, then tell her do you understand the word NO? b/c your gonna hear it a lot more. Time to whip her into shape. When she asks dumb questions, tell her you know the answer to that already and go on about your day.
Enabling her not helping her. BM taking her to grief couseling is very wrong. If she was young and doesn't remember it then BM is just drilling a situation into your SD's head and making her hate your DH. All of the things you said are reasons why BM's are hated. They get jealous of their XH or XBF that end up moving on and they can't take it so they use the kids. The only thing they can use, but while they are doing it, they don't see that they aren't only hurting the DH, they are messing the kid/s up too. They don't care, as long as they hurt DH's in the process, nothing else matters. Sadly, not even their own kids.
Skids can take a toll on you so stand strong as a team b/c the marriage will not work otherwise. I feel the same way you do. I married my best friend and I tell ya, my SS10 is something else too. I have actually thought of divorce. I didn't ever think I would think like that, but SS sure makes me want out. You get to a point that you can't take it anymore. After a while things seem like a losing battle and you become drained.
Thank you all for all of your
Thank you all for all of your insight and support. I was really feeling like I was alone and a horrible person. We have considered that our house would be the best possible place for my SD. If I had her full time I think things would be a lot better. One technique I used to get through to my husband was that I asked him "Would you rather have your daughter hate you for being a good parent, or love you for being a bad one?" After I asked him that he really stepped it up on not feeling sorry for her.
Does anyone have any suggestions or experience on how to convince or prove to a judge that a child is being emotionally abuse by her BM?
We tread very carefully as not to appear that we have it our for her.
I do have one thought on getting this poor kid out of her home at least temporarily.
The BM has a nude (baby bath time photos, spread eagle) picture of my DH's deceased daughter on facebook. It's a public profile so any weirdo can see these pics. I would like someone to report her to CPS in hopes that that his daughter would be removed from her custody and placed with pending a child pornography investigation.
I know part of me thinks it would be great to have her labeled as a sex offender and lose her daycare license (yeah, they allow this woman to care for other children, it's sick!) But we don't want to report it ourselves or they may not take it seriously. And it probably wouldn't stick anyway but it may give us a leg up in a change of custody.
Any thoughts?
Aurora - SD over here as she
Aurora - SD over here as she was aging was getting more and more depressed when she was with her mom and was arguing constantly. She eventually came to "hate" her mom. She had started expressing that she wanted to live with us, and we also got her into a therapist. However, SD was older - she was 14 by the time.
DH was able to convince BM to let us just "try it out". Let SD come live with us, to see if it helps alleviate the issues between her and her mom. DH and I knew that once we had SD we wouldn't let her return, and you are right... it will make all the difference in how your SD develops with stability and real parenting. Like I said, DH and I wish we had taken SD sooner. There's only so much you can do / help even when you have 50/50.
DH also was tough on BM... basically saying that it doesn't look good for BM to have SD and her at odds all the time, so she it would be "better for her" if she let her come.
Since your BM is a daycare provider, I think you will have a much tougher time convincing her to let her daughter come live with you guys. I don't know if I would put my kid in with a woman who doesn't have custody of her own daughter... but then again, that's not something that just comes out.
Does your DH have any leverage / any power with BM? Anything that he could say that would let her just try it out? Surprisingly, BM whined and complained, and fought with DH... but never threatened court over here!
I hope you do get it. And I"m sorry to hear about the baby pic on FB... What an idiot!
1. Dad need to go to court
1. Dad need to go to court and get a court order that child is to see Dr. X at least monthly and Therapist Y at least weekly (research and choose providers, check that they take the insurance and that they will accept her as a patient). Have the court order include that child will only take medication - if any- as prescribed by Dr. X and that if prescribed, it will be taken exactly as ordered. Add that if mom misses 2 visits on her time, that dad/you will be allowed to pick her up and transport her to all appointments.
2. Read "Parenting with Love and Logic" and "Attachment in Adoption" (I know she's not adopted but her attachment seems very insecure).
Once the child is in consistent therapy, things may improve. Or, the tdoc may prove a valuable witness in a custody battle.
I feel you!! My SD is 14 and
I feel you!! My SD is 14 and we have her FT. DH went through a lot of "stages" with her. First the sympathetic; poor SD. Then the give her extra attention phase, then the okay lets get in check!! Now, he's kicking himself in the a* cause he's always getting egg in his face from her actions.
I love my DH and our 3bio's - 4 more years till she's gone; I can have my house back and my life! It sounds awful even typing that; but its true....
Im so glad I founD this
Im so glad I founD this website if not i will go crazy or drive my friends crazy with the same talk about my SD - I starting to hate my SD - she is 17 1/2 and acts like 14.... My husband is the most wonderful guy in the world but not his almost adult daughter who has been living with us for the last year bc she was using drugs, failed HS and was drinking too much back home with her mom - so they decided to send to live with her dad for a second chance as she said it- so far -she wasn't able to get into at regular HS bc she was behind in credits (we made a move to a bigger house to accommodate her to be close to HS) but no - now she is going to an alternative HS where they just told us she will be out as soon as she turns 18 bc she failed all her classes - photography, history, english, PT and math.. only 5 classes and she failed, 5 hours a day was her life for 1 year doing NOTHING after school - got home at 12:30 and sleept until 7- stay up until 2 - never offers to help clean or cook or anything- (dad drives her to school in the morning and pays a friend of her 5 dlls for a 5 minutes ride every day) bc she refuses to take the bus but she scare (not scare of sneaking night- smoking -drinking) she never got a driver permit bc the booklet is too boring but she wants us to drive her everywhere - me? not anymore... besides failing school, she got in a car accident in another state where she went with 2 boys- we stupidly tough she has with a friend having fun at the beach... got drunk several times, caught her smoking pot at home (more then several times) cigarettes, beer, things got stolen from home and she denies it was her friends, she is LAZY insolent- never cleans her room- her bathroom is disgusting - and what her dad does- cleans for her, treats her like a baby, knowing she was failing HS he decides to send her to prom (the alternative school she goes was invited to prom) so he goes and spend like 400 for prom - please.. she is gone for the last 3 weeks with her mom and i know she is coming back soon and im so stress out again... the yelling (her side) lying, cant leave the house alone bc we don't trust her- i used to really care about her - but after she screamed at me for no reaons at all- i dont care for her anymore... she is a manipulative, liar, 2 faces.... we have told her she will have to move out if she doesnt do something like go to school, get a job (as she said she applied and i found the applications under her bed) supposedly she is going to get her GED (so far she hasn't study in 2 months bc is summer and she needs to have fun) and as soon her dad tell her to grow up- she cries and acts like a baby and he gives in- i don't have any kids and im getting really tired of this -