Thank you my SF... though I never know why you treat me as your own.
First I want to say sorry to this forum that I'm actually a stepchild, not a stepparent...
I'm 19 and just finished my freshman year.
I remember once upon a time, when I was 7, I woke up without my BM. BF was very sad and crying - my BM couldn't bear him anymore so she chose to leave.
BF [biological father] always told me that BM is a "**** who left her own son behind", "betrayer", etc. He always convince me that the divorce is "100%, totally her fault".
My BF and I never shared a good relationship.
When my BM visited me for the 1st time and then left... I was crying a lot. I got a D- report card and went to therapy. Fortunately, I was recovered.
When I was 11, my [maternal] grandfather passed away. Due to the conflict between two families, my BF refused to let me attend the funeral. Today I still feel sorry that I cannot even see him for the last time. That summer vacation, my BF was busy and decided to send me to one of his friends' home (just 1km away from my BM's home but he wouldn't let me go).
I always want to go to live with my BM, but I know that they gave pressure to my BF, to keep me on their side (as I am a boy, not a girl). At 13, both my grandparents [my BF's parents] died. On their funerals I didn't even feel sad... (forgive me).
My BM visited me for many times and I met my SF. SF treats my BM nice, so I think my BM... I don't want to blame my BM for "leaving me behind" [brainwashed by BF] as I know that everyone have the right to... find their own happy life.
When I was 14, knowing that my BF is gonna marry a woman 16yr younger than him, I decided to flee. I met that woman and I think she's a gold digger.
I made it. I fled to my BM's city and lived with my grandma [BM's mother], as BM and SF are investing in another city for years.
BF married. I did not attend the wedding. He marries, he take the risk...
From then on, the communication between my BF and I, is just on phone, and just I telling my grades. I remember when I got a C in grade 9 [I was living with BF], my BF was immediately pissed and threatened me: "Next time, if you still get C, I will break your legs and send you to the school for disables [next to my home]!"
Yes, he still only cares about my report cards. And I just read on the phone. Once finished, I disconnect, that's all. We really didn't have other things to say, or we will end up in arguments. If I made any positive comments about my SF, he will get pissed.
On grade 11... when I was 16. BF stopped sending money. This is against the law and I want to convince my BM to sue. My BM declined: "Just forgive him, maybe his money is no longer under his control..."
Then, my SF offered me everything, and covered my now college fees.
My last phone call with my BF is the day I had just finished the college entrance exam. He asked me to send my documents (containing info regarding college admissions). I think if I did so, I'll be unable to decide my own future (Situations like this, are very common in my country). I declined, saying "I can't. We have to use it and read it carefully."
He got pissed:"We? Do you mean you and your mother? Did your mother tell you to say so?"
I said no. He started cursing my mother. I cannot bear anyone to curse my mother! So I decided to talk back. Then we never communicated.
Maybe I wrote too much backgrounds...
My SF, just like my BM, is a merchant and trader. He treats me like his own child. He has a son [from his prev. relationship] now 26, studying abroad. He always tell others that he has two sons.
He and my BM married when I was 8, but only after I entered my adulthood did I start living with them (during 15~18 I lived with my grandma, and after I finished high school [Jun.2015] SF and BM went back to this city to start another project)
So I attended a college in our city. Months later, I started my own business and he really taught me a lot of things. Now my business is growing and I'm ready to move out...
He told me that if I want to study abroad too, he can offer financial supports. I have incomes, so now we are trying to earn money together, to push me to my dream. Studying abroad can never be cheap, so I was freaked out.
Once I asked him privately:"Why do you treat me like this? I can't understand. You know you can just kick me out of your house and drop me out [since I'll be unable to pay the college]. You can just do what SPs on the TV are doing, you will totally have no chance of getting in trouble."
He just answered:"Never ask this again, unless we are not a family."
Though I never call him dad, he is on that place in my mind. I remember I celebrated 2016 father's day with him and he end up with tears...
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Comments
Congratulations. It sounds as
Congratulations. It sounds as if you are on a good track and have a meaningful life. Kudos to your SF. Kudos to you for acknowledging your SF's contributions to your current success.
You sound like a very mature
You sound like a very mature 19 year old. Your SF obviously loves you immensely and wants the best for you. Reading your post made me happy and hopeful. Congrats to you for your supportive family and your successes.
You said what I wanted to.
You said what I wanted to. Dad was there to make the mistakes (and mistakes he did make) but bm was off living her own life for her own happiness. One actually stayed to raise him as flawed as he was but he gets all the blame for being horrible but it was fine for bm to abandon him? I don't get that. I would never run off and leave my kids. He should strive to forgive and have both flawed parents in his life and enjoy your sf's affections as well. It is exceptionally easy to come along after the fact of child raising and be the hero when you were never there for the nitty gritty.
Sorry maybe my bad English
Sorry maybe my bad English caused many misunderstandings.
BM has her own business before marrying SF. BF is a businessman while SM was a waitress in a restaurant located in a village where BF's factory is in.
BF stopped sending money when I was 16.
I don't consider my SF a "money bag". Now I have my own income and I'm ready to move out.
I am the OP... Actually, I
I am the OP...
Actually, I knew that after the wedding my BF immediately opened 4 bank accounts (using SM's identity) and moved most money there.
(According to the law here... the money in these 4 accounts will be considered "SM's personal properties")
I actually convinced my BF to notarize, but he just think my BM taught me to say so.
Funeral thing, my BM tried to convince my BF. But failed.
No my mom isn't digging gold. She has her own business before marrying my SF.
Thank you for your comments... Maybe the ice will be broken in the future.
I am happy for you that you
I am happy for you that you have such a great relationship with your stepfather. At the same time, stepfathers having a somewhat easier time because they are viewed as stepping in and "saving" the BM and supporting the family isn't new. A stepmother, however, if she tries to be involved and caring then she's overstepping. If she stands back to give the kids space, then she's cold. And god forbid she not have children of her own, because then she's selfish and naive. And no matter what, she's there to take resources away!
I understand that you are hurt from your childhood and are trying to understand your past, but I don't understand why you are so willing to forgive your BM but hold your dad, the one who was there for you, to a standard that he can't possibly meet. But because BM isn't around doing things to annoy and hurt you (parents do screw up because they are human), she's somehow the hero in all of this? She abandoned you.
I think you're psychologically compensating for the loss of your mother's love. You want so badly to believe that it's not her fault that you're doing some mental gymnastics. And the only way it can't be her fault is if, instead, your BF is to blame for all of the problems in your life.
No, your BF stepped up and took care of you, as both parents should have done (even if they were not together). Your mother selfishly abandoned you, but you are projecting all of your anger toward her onto your father. And that makes sense. You are insecure in your mother's love, so it would be frightening to be mad at her and hold her accountable, because she might up and leave again. So all of that negativity that you justifiably feel is channeled toward your dad, because it has to go somewhere. Suddenly, he's the bad guy for caring about your grades, and he's the bad guy for wanting to marry someone who makes him happy.
I think that one day you're going to wake up and regret not holding your mom accountable for her choices and projecting all of your anger onto your dad. He doesn't deserve that treatment; your mother does deserve it. She failed you, and it made you so desperate for her love and approval that when she waltzed back in after all the tough parts of raising you were done single handedly by your dad, you so want to forgive her that you have to make your dad into the bad guy.
Honestly, good on SF, but poor BF. I feel for him. None of this was your fault. You didn't deserve to be abandoned by your mom. It happened because of her failings, not because you weren't good enough.
I wished you felt secure enough with your mother to understand who you are really angry with and hold her accountable for how she hurt you over the years. Until you can do that, you'll continue projecting emotions that are for your mother onto your father. Poor guy doesn't deserve that treatment. It's yet another heaping of suffering because of your mother's selfish choices.
your story made me cry. It
your story made me cry. It seems to me like your BF may have alienated you against your mother. Have you ever asked your mother what happened both to make her leave and after she left? I disagree with the above posters that your mother abandoned you- you do describe her having visitation with you.
Your SF sounds wonderful. It is nice that you acknowledge him here- now go tell this all to him in person.
Actually BM didn't want to
Actually BM didn't want to have child. However, BF is from rural area here, where having no kids (or, even, no sons!) is a shame.
So finally BF convinced BM. And they had me.
BM and BF had different opinions on raising me. Here, it's usually the man who dominate the family...
So BF taught me to ride bike, to play basketball, and to swim. I remember whenever I fell off the bike, BF will... not only not pull me up, but also bully. BF just push BM away, telling her to "just watch".
They had conflicts. For example, visit whose parents on Lunar New Year? So BF brought BM to his village. BF shouted to everyone that he successfully married a wealthy, beautiful, tall non-rural woman. BM immediately felt sick.
When I was at preschool age, I do heard they breaking cups and plates. I believe it's... they were fighting.
I understand why BM chose to leave. Once I thought I was the one who destroyed their marriage. Yes, I went to therapy because I was once suicidal... because [as a kid] I thought my disappearance could save their marriage.
I'm sorry you have
I'm sorry you have difficulties and am glad that therapy helped you. Both of your parents made mistakes, you have chosen to forgive one of them. The best soul healing will come through forgiveness of both as the imperfect human beings they are. Wish you luck.
So accepting of your SF, but
So accepting of your SF, but not your SM. You only met her once. You're just another example of what's discussed on here regularly, the unfairness of being a SM versus being a SF. Oh well. I'm glad you're working through your stuff & you have a support system. Try to forgive your BF, because you'll need to in order to move on. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, it just allows you to move on from the pain. & as others have stated, don't forget that BF was there when BM bounced out.