I agree with futuro...

I understand how you feel and you're right. But you also can't blame your wife for trying to teach the kid the niceties of living in a family and acknowledging special days - especially if she hasn't had a father before.

I also understand how exhausting the glass-half-full folks are -- when there is no glass, no table, nothing. My own spouse loves to chirp, "Fake it 'til you make it!" as if that's any healthier than calling a spade a spade.

If nothing else, look at it like this:

Scroll back to Steptalk posts from Mother's Day. I guarantee there are a bunch of women complaining they got nothing to mark their unenviable role as stepmothers. (It's kind of funny because some of them really hate their stepkids.) It seems in some cases, the skids are damned if they do and damned if they don't...just like their stepparents.

I can understand your resentment. I’m sorry you’re treated like that.

I completely understand - not only is this false sentiment on the part of your wife - it is deeply depressing to both you and your SD to have to participate in this charade.  I told DH never to get me b'day etc cards on behalf of the SDs, or prompt SDs to buy me one.   If they get one themselves, that's fine, otherwise I don't want it.  

Thank you." 

Then put it up wherever you display cards. After a couple of days, toss it.

I agree with you on this one- I don't undertsand why we 'force' kids to do and say things they really don't want to when it comes to social niceties. I know that my former grandskids being forced to give 'kiss cuddles' to me on leaving would irritate me to death. I think I would have taken the card with a response to the child's facial expression, with a, 'oh is that for me? how kind' with a glance at your DW that should have said, 'what??'

A word with DW afterwards might explain your feelings, but probably wouldn't help. Play let's pretend to keep the peace, but make it clear you don't expect her to play charades until the sentiment expressed by your SD is genuine.

When I left my grandkids recently they were both tired and stroppy, my SIL was trying to get them to say good-bye to grandma, as if the survival of the human race depended on it. I just picked up my case and said good-bye and left the house- we all have bad days. No wonder kids grow up confused...

I feel two ways about this: 

Is your SO trying to make your SD be appreciative of everything you do for her? Or is your SO forcing her to do the whole Father's Day bit because she wants to post about it on social media? I can see teaching her daughter to say Thank You to someone who is helping raise her but it could easily just be for a display as many like to gloat bout stepdad's even when there is nothing there. What motive do you think your wife/SO has with the card?

Ahhhh, I see. You're right not to take adoption lightly.

Your wife needs to consider some other option. It's only 6 years to go. If she's that worried, she should consult the grandparents or some other situation, but I see how you're stuck being the one to say this and it won't go over well.

I think I'd just keep reminding her that the kid has no regard for you and adoption would be a disaster under that circumstance. If the kid has more regard for the grandparents, send your wife that way and tell her you can support the kid in their care but full-on adoption would be foolish with the current dynamic...and of course, you want what's best for SD.

Just curious...did you discuss you adopting SD before you married? How did you get to this position of such different ideas of what should happen if wife dies?

I understand how it is when your spouse tries to force family relationships. My husband used to make his son, whom I cannot stand, give me cards and gifts, and he used to never ask him to leave the room when I needed him to, or anything else like that. He thought shoving us together and giving me no escape from the kid would make me decide I love him. I do not love him. I don't even like him. I just want him to go live with his mother where he belongs, and preferably move far away. (She tried to move him to another country and I was secretly hoping she would win. My husband had a very good lawyer, and stopped her move. That made me sad because it meant continued 50/50 custody and this ridiculous fake family thing.) 

I think some bio-parents cling to an idea that their spouse and kids will fall deeply in love with each other and feel like a family if they keep "faking the funk", as a friend of mine says. Personally, I do not want to fake the funk, and I know why you don't either. It is not fun at all! Hopefully after a few years, this will stop. I have kids, too, but I do not make them do things for my husband that they don't want to do. They have a cordial relationship with him, but they sorted that on their own. I make sure he gets plenty of breaks from them, too. Having someone basically pushed down your throat doesn't make you like them.

I think you have great insight into your situation- especially as you try to introduce logic into a nonsensical situation. Of course steparents do adopt their stepkids- but isn't this usually because the kids ask for it? We have a poster on here whose SS asked him to adopt him, and it has worked great for them.

Lots of parents adopt children, but normally it is because they want to do so, either as a single parents or as part of a couple. I have never come across anyone being forced to adopt a child aginst their will.

Maybe you can suggest to DW that you may do it at some point in the future- when you have developed a more honest and reciprocal relationship with your SD.. It should indeed be her decision, and not your wife's. I would stand your ground here.