How would you respond to this?

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For anyone who read my previous post, this is kind of piggybacking off of that.

I brought up the situation w/my wife and mom last night...but I brought it up jokingly and lightheartedly. My wife responded in kind and said that everything would be fine. I think she knew she overreacted a bit.

However, last weekend, my mom said something like "I've been waiting for a grandchild for so long..." and my wife brought that up last night just to say that "it's obvious my mom doesn't consider SD her grandchild." I tried to diplomatically explain (I don't know why this needs to be explained at all; it should be common sense) that a STEP-anything is not the same as a BIO. I also said that my mother never sees SD, which is true. Anytime we go up to visit, SD stays with my wife's parents. The few times that SD has gone with us, my mom has asked if she wanted to spend the day with her while we ran errands (clearly a bonding attempt). SD always said no.

Then I added, "Do you think SD considers my mother her grandmother?" Wife said: "Yes, I think she does sometimes." I called BS, since SD doesn't even consider me anything; why would she consider my mother anything?

Wife snapped back with: "Well, it doesn't matter. She's 11 years old. It's not her job to make people like her."

I just let it go after that because I honestly didn't know what to say in response. How can you respond to that? Objectively, it's not a kid's job to make an adult like them, right? SD is not outwardly nasty; she's just closed off and not outgoing at all. She's not an easy child to like.

I probably would just not

I probably would just not respond, she's just throwing stuff out there.

I'm pretty sure she realizes that there is a huge difference between an 11 year old step-grandaughter, who your mother rarely sees and barely has a relationship with, and a bio grandbaby.

I'm sure your mother is

I'm sure your mother is thrilled to be having her first grandchild.

I don't necessarily agree that a stepgrandparent can not be as close to a stepgrandchild as they are to a bio grandchild, but it does take a two-way street. If the kid doesn't treat nd act like she wants to be included as a grandchild, well, the kid can't blame the stepgrandmother if Grandma does particularly act like the sun rises and sets on the skid.

As in any relationship, it is only going to be a strong s the effort part into it. A rare occasional visit where the kid snubs the grandparent and doesn't have the time of day for the grandparent , isn't going to build bonds. Yeah, good for you for turning that on your DW. The skid doesn't view your mother as her grandmother and it's pretty silly to think that your mother doesn't notice.

I'm sure your mother is hoping for the baby to be the grandchild she hasn't yet been able to really experience and enjoy. She's likely hoping that baby gets to perhaps stay with her while your wife and you do a weekend get away. You'll have a whole new problem when and/or if your wife announces, no, both children will be staying with my mother, not yours. If your mother is pushed out in these instances as she is now with SGD, not even being a bio-grandkid will matter. Again, if the grandparent, bio or step isn't allowed time and bonding opportunities the lasting bonds aren't going to be there.

I didn't read your previous post. So can't comment on how this one and that one relate.

I don't normally stick up for SKIDS

But as a BM, I see this in my own DD12, and I remember how awkward it was when I visited my SM's family, too. I always felt like an unwanted add-on, even when they "tried" to make me feel included.

DD ADORES DH's grandmother and paternal family, but even with them, she feels kind of awkward. They're open and accepting and they do everything right, but it's still just a little weird for her. She's an intoverted kid and she's not used to a big extended family, bio or otherwise, but they're so welcoming to her that it's OK. His stepdad's family is another story all together. It's obvious that she's an add-on and that they don't like her. They dote on skids, which makes DH not want to associate with them because he thinks the world of her.

I agree that there's a difference between bio and step kids, but I also agree with your wife here. It's not your SD's job to make your mom like her, nor does it make her "less" that she's a skid instead of a bio. Yes, she's awkward and apparently the two of you don't get along, but to make a kid feel less because they're a skid is yucky.

Nobody in my family makes her

Nobody in my family makes her feel less because she's a skid. They're always nice to her. If she feels like an outsider, that's because of her own awkwardness. How far backward are people supposed to bend for her? I'm not going to go out of my way to make SD feel equal to my own child, and I look at it this way: If I did, I would constantly be lying to her. She isn't and won't ever be equal to my own child. It's just the way it is. Sorry, but it's not my fault her father is an absent POS or that my wife was irresponsible enough to have a kid with him.

This child will have two parents, SD has one. She's been spoiled and coddled enough to make up for it.

Hell, I was a skid too. My father wasn't around and it was weird to me when my friends asked their fathers for permission to do something. In my world, there was no male authority figure. I was also introverted and shy, and I lived.

What has this kid done to you that you're so angry?

Put yourself in your wife's shoes for a minute... This is her bio child that you are clearly articulating will never be equal to your own bio child, which would also be her bio child. As a bioparent, I would never be OK with one bio child being treated appreciably better--or thought of as better--than my other bio child.

It's not your fault that this child is awkward and only her her mom, but if this woman is so irresponsible to have such an awkward and distrubing child, why did you marry her? You knew this kid was a tag-along, right?

It's completely unrealistic

It's completely unrealistic and unfair to expect someone to feel the same way about a skid that they do about their bio child. Especially when the skid is emotionally sealed off and has made it evident through their own lack of inclusion that they aren't interested. What's to be gained here? It's a little egotistical too, IMO, to think that someone else should love your child as you do...and to admonish them when they don't.

And to be honest, as I mentioned before, skid was more open when she was younger - before she realized I was a permanent fixture. So - false pretenses may be to blame. I married my wife when skid was different.

You don't have to feel the

You don't have to feel the same about SD. Your feelings are your own and aren't something that should be forced. It's about treating them as equals int he home. Kids should be allowed equal footing...

I totally get what you say about her having her parents already, and I agree step-parents should have the option to disengage... But the second you start saying your bio is BETTER than SD is where you may have overstepped a bit. You don't have to feel the same about SD... But she is a child in your home, and it sounds like full time... She shouldn't be treated as a lesser being just because she's not blood to you.

All the kids should be held to the same standard in the home, step or bio. Same actions have the same consequences. Same choices when it comes to doing things. YOu don't have to feel the same, but you can't treat her as a lesser being or like an alien in her own home either. As stepparents I think a LOT of us know how isolating it is to be treated as a lesser just because you aren't blood related. It's a two-way street. Skids can feel just as down-trodden.

You don't have to love her as much, you don't even have to like her. But you do have to put her on equal footing as a child in the home. She's no lesser of a being just because she doens't share blood. That's probably what's got your wife frustrated. How would you feel if someone told you that your kid was worth less simply because they don't share blood?

What bothers me is the

What bothers me is the expectation, if I'm being honest. I would never expect my wife to treat the neighbor's child the same as she treats her own child - and my wife wouldn't treat them the same. She just wouldn't. She loves one and doesn't love the other. Same situation with my SD and my bio child. I love one and don't love the other.

Yes I agree, both children should have the same rules and they will. But, there's an innate ability to overlook things with your own child that would drive you crazy about someone else's child. And that, again, is because you love one and don't love the other.

I never go out of my way to make SD feel unwelcome or uncomfortable. I just minimize my interaction with her - and that is mostly because I'm taking my cues from her. When she comes downstairs for anything, she looks directly at her mother and talks; she doesn't involve me. So, what am I supposed to assume from that? I understand that she's 11, but it's not like she's 4 and unable to comprehend things. Her exclusion of me is intentional - and it's either:

A. Because she resents my presence in her mother's life, which ended their 1-on-1 relationship.

B. Because she doesn't know how to act around me, which is only being compounded by her awkwardness and gives off the impression that she doesn't like me, which make me not like her, and we're stuck in a loop.

Some kids are just not

Some kids are just not receptive to that. My BC is with my husband's family. Right away started calling them uncle, nana etc. my SD however nope. Barely says thank you when receives a gift from my family. It sounds like the same. If they were more warm of kids it's easier, but when they're so closed off it's hard. Your wife's attitude doesn't help. That's my husband's attitude. Very defensive. Certain things are just not worth the argument.

Part of the defensiveness, I

Part of the defensiveness, I believe, is because my wife knows that SD only has her and her parents. Our child, however, will have us, her parents, my mother, and my side of the family. My wife is aware that that will make the two children completely unbalanced in terms of the family they have. Again, not my fault. The only other relatives on my wife's side are her parents' siblings, and they all live halfway across the country. Again, not my fault.

Being blunt again

Adressing both posts:

To your wife they are both HER biokids so she might not see a difference. I know there is one and it is up to you to make her see that difference( telling her might not help at all so you have to make a plan of pointing out certain things over time). However all your issues with SD have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with your baby shower!

About the baby shower:

I would be mad too if somebody decided to invite everybody they knew on social media to my baby shower or any party in my honor. I consider it disrespectful and inconsiderate. Does your wife hang out with your mom a lot, has she met any of your mother's friends? I would assume not. Having a child is one of the most personal things you can do in your life. I wouldn't want to be sitting there 7 mos+ pregnant having to fake smile at some strangers who are giving me gifts. Or having to meet 100 strangers who I am now socially obligated to. It is not your mother's child she does not get to announce it on her social media! Your mother overstepped there!(with good intention but it still is overstepping no matter who pays). However it is no big deal if you dial it back a notch and perhaps limit the baby shower to a handful of people who know you and your wife( including family and your mom of course). Then your mom can have a baby shower with your wife in a few weeks/ months after the baby is born with all your mom's friends and the social circles your mom invited on social media then they can show off the baby.

You are the one who pulled SD and DW family into this discussion and put yourself in the middle. I might suggest that your wife feels blindsided (perhaps a little angry) about all these issues you brought up about your SD and her percieved favoritism in order to give your mother what she wants! And you do this when DW is 6 mos pregnant...yah not cool dude!

I do not deny that these issues exist and are important but since they have existed for four years you couldve waited a few more months to bring them up.

And again here. Your mother wants to have a relationship with SD SD isn't interested. Take a hint and leave it be. Yes it is hurtful but like you said you cannot have the same feelings for skid as you will for biokid. If I were SD I would want to go where people love me the most not where I would always take a backseat to my sibling. So your wife is supposed to force her other daughter to have a relationship with people who will make her feel not good enough just to please your mother?

Just to clarify:

1. My wife is 4 mos. pregnant (as of today), not 6 mos.

2. My mother didn't "invite everybody she knew on social media" to a baby shower. She hasn't even publicly mentioned a baby shower yet. What she did was announce on social media that she was going to be a grandmother - AFTER we told her it was okay to do so. As a matter of fact, we posted the news on social media and she simply shared our post, adding the bit about her becoming a grandmother.

3. The idea of inviting other people to a baby shower was suggested privately, not in a public forum. And the suggestion was made because, honestly, my wife doesn't know anybody. She doesn't have any close friends, aside from co-workers (who are just that and nothing more) and her few family members live halfway across the country. Her parents are the only people nearby. So, who should be invited? Just my wife and her parents, and me and my mother? That's not a shower; that's like brunch. My mother was thinking of people to invite so that we could get the things we need for the baby, and to make it a more substantial event. My wife may not like the feeling that it's somewhat controlling, but there is no alternative aside from either not having a shower or having a shitty one.

Apologies for assuming

Sorry for assuming. Thanks for clarifying. That changes my perspective quite a lot.

1. Your mom is not overstepping at all! She did all she could to make both you and DW comfortable( kudos to your mom for appropriate social media sharing!). She has every right to be excited to be a first time grandma! (She had this right intrinsically but you know a lot of gmas go totally overboard....again sorry for assuming)

2. Yeah in the case of running it by you all first( which gma continues to do) I change my stance and say wifey should just suck it up and be thankful.(could SD be inheriting her attitude....hmmm). This might be the reason she has no close friends( still DO NOT say a word or suggest any of these things....you will be labelled mean and ignored while she continues this behavior)

3. The attitude that you should love someone who is not part of your life just like you love your child is preposterous and frankly delusional. That is like telling me to love the spider who just bit me. Not gonna happen! However the only solution here is letting that notion of wife's go ignored! Do not do or say anything about it( It is HARD) do not try to make SD like you. Just love your biokid and be excited about having a first child with the woman you love.

Note: SD and you seem to be on the same page. You both agree that the only thing you have in common is your DW. Stay there. Tell your mom her efforts about SD are futile in private. When SD is ready she will make a step.

However I do maintain that from now on any issues that arise need to be presented separately.( for your sanity and the health of your marrriage).

Again sorry for assuming. Hopefully your wife will see she has a good husband and MIL( frankly a bit jealous myself).

I think your wife is messed

I think your wife is messed up on blended families and is caught up in Brady Bunch fantasy. She wants the perfect vision but forgets the players are flawed human beings.

She expects your mom to play grandma to her daughter but does nothing to support that relationship.

She holds her family higher than yours but expects more from your family concerning SD without supporting the relationships

This isn't hormonal, this is faulty thinking surrounding blended family life.

She should drop any expectations from your side concerning her daughter, expect her daughter to treat your family with respect and give her the opportunities to practice that respect. She should be grateful for any kindness shown her daughter from your family, not expect it to happen with no effort on her part. Any gifts given to her daughter from your family should be responded to with a thank you note written by SD. Manners by all involved go a long way in paving the way for a relationship to unfold. Just expecting it causes so many misunderstandings and hurt feelings all around.

When DH and I got married, I told my mom flat out that I did not expect her to remember the 4 skids with gifts or anything. It gets expensive and I have seen many situations where the skids were forced on family memeber with demands made. Always ended up in a mess. My mom choose to give gifts for a few years but the disrespect the skids showed my family made me put my foot down and demand my mom to stop. She did and it didn't matter to them. (BM and PAS in play here) Now my inlaws were told the same thing by me, I had no expectations on them, but they were allowed to build a realtionship with my 3 bios and to this day they remember them at Christmas and graduations. Thank you notes are sent and it worked out well for my bios. We are going on 14 years together.

I think that you and wife needs to spend more time figuring out your family life. Expectations and goals for the kids. It can be figured out and all of this drama you have is a part of the process of building a family. Respect and manners will go along way as the building blocks for this new challenge you have a couple.

I agree 100% with this. It

I agree 100% with this. It does sound, to me, that she wants her side of the family to be more relavant. Your side of the family is important too!

My formerSO tried this crap with me. His side was made more important with holiday visiting, general time and financial resources. Somehow he thought it should be that way because of skids... now, I do have an older child from a previous relationship, but he acted like it "didnt count" because he was off to college. It was really starting to be an issue. Ultimately our relationship didn't work out due to formerSS horrid behavior that went without consequence or even simple correction.

OP you have to get to the bottom of your wife's feelings/thoughts and express your need for your side of the family to be just as relevant as hers. This will increasingly cause problems if not addressed.

I believe my wife's feelings

I believe my wife's feelings are less about her side of the family taking precedence and more about her wanting to be in control of her life. As long as we're around her family more, she can control the dynamic because they're more familiar to her and she feels comfortable being herself. But, she still has to maintain a certain level of tact around my family. That's also why I believe she's waffling about moving closer to my family (even though she still claims to love the area and hate the area in which we currently live). If we move up there, she won't have her security blanket or the comfort of knowing her parents around the corner.

Keep in mind - who gives a shit how much it sucks for me to be completely removed from my family.

She still wants to control

She still wants to control everything and marriages are about compromise. If you don't get this figured out, life will be a slow torturous hell for you.

Its nice you realize what the true issue is, but you still need to talk to her about it. All of the this stuff you are having trouble with could be solved by her releasing her death grip on control. Do you plan on adopting SD or would that mean giving up control? She sounds selfish and immature. Is this new behavior from her and that is why you are calling it hormonal or did your rose colored glasses come off and she was always like this and you are just now seeing it?

Also remember we only have to work with what you tell us, and we don't have her side.

In the very beginning, I

In the very beginning, I planned on adopting SD, and DW wanted me to. As time went on and SD changed, I decided against it. DW still wants me to. But, I mentioned some time ago that adopting SD has no consequences for anyone except me, and I'm not going to do something that serious just so everyone else can have a feel-good moment. Nobody in their right mind would legally or financially tie themselves to a child with whom they have no relationship.

I don't think DW was always controlling, and I'm not even sure she is now. I think she lives her life according to what her fear allows. She has anxiety, so much of what she does or doesn't do is because of that. Moving away from her comfort zone triggers her anxiety, even though the other (more logical) side of her wants to move and knows it would be better for everybody. But she just can't work through that fear...and lucky for her, she can always claim that SD's feelings are the reason for avoiding change. That's an impossible thing to disprove...like when someone says they have a headache.

The only analogy I can think of is being a passenger in a car. To be a passenger, you have to understand that you are not in control of the car. You have to take the ride knowing that nothing that could possibly happen is within your ability to prevent, and you're going 100% on faith. To DW, life is like that car ride, except she's choosing not to get in just so she can avoid what might happen (but statistically, probably won't). Can't lose if you don't play, basically. You also can't win if you don't play.

I think I got this one,

I think I got this one, Seeker. You just turn this negative to a positive your wife can't argue:

Tell your wife that your mom doesn't usurp SD's bio grandparents' role. (How often do we hear that skids don't want a stepparent to be another mother or father to them because they already have parents? The same goes for grandparents.)

Your mother is cautiously trying not to replace SD's biograndparents. Your mother knows her place in your SD's world and it is not as a bio grandparent. Your mom is not stepping on any toes or forcing something your wife or SD might not want. Make it all about the respect YOUR mother has for your wife and her child and their bio family.

Not only that, your wife positioned this dynamic by not taking SD to your mother's house or letting her babysit SD. That's fine. That's the way it played out and it's working, but your wife can't now suggest that she wanted it any other way. (Of course, you shouldn't say that unless she really backs you in a corner.)

So just tell your wife, "Hey, my mom knows her place. She knows your daughter has grandparents. It's not lost on my mother that we don't take SD to her house. My mom's being respectful of the dynamic we put into play. So yes, she's excited she is a real grandparent this time who won't be intruding on your daughter's bio family."

Man, I just love how the bio family controls the dynamic and then whenever they want, they complain the dynamic isn't right. If you discipline a skid, you're overstepping because you're not their real father. If you don't discipline the skid, you don't care because you're not the real father. Damned, damned, damned no matter what.

Anyway, yea, just turn this around to a positive -- that your mother so respects your wife, she wouldn't dare intrude on SD's bio family. Sounds like your mom needs a little defending and your wife needs a little reminding of who setup things as they are.

I've sort of tried that

I've sort of tried that approach, but I think DW knows that's BS. My mother is just the type of person who won't keep trying for anyone who doesn't reciprocate, nor should she, and nor should anyone for that matter. But, DW just cannot see SD objectively and/or without the safety net of unconditional love. She doesn't understand that, to the rest of the world (of which I'm a member), SD is just "another kid," nothing special or extraordinary.

It's not about the kid being

It's not about the kid being likeable or your mom repeatedly reaching out to SD -- unless I'm misunderstanding.

It's about the appropriateness of your mom playing doting grandmother to someone else's grandkid when that grandkid hasn't even been included on visits to her house. I guess what I'm saying is...if your mom had repeatedly reached out and tried and tried with SD, your wife probably would have said your mom was too pushy: "My daughter has grandparents and your mom isn't one of them." Maybe the kid would have even said it.

You and your wife decided to get married. Your mom and SD didn't have any say in it. No one asked if they liked each other. There has been no basis for a relationship between your mom and SD -- no visits, no babysitting -- so your wife is in no justifiable position to argue about your mom's reaction to having her own grandkid.

Do you have nieces/nephews? I

Do you have nieces/nephews? I imagine you have more affection for them than your wife does.

Regardless of blood ties.It doesn't matter if SD is a little saint. Sometimes people do not like someone. It can be actions, tone of voice, or just a "feeling". Bottom line: You cannot FORCE a relationship.

I don't, I'm an only child.

I don't, I'm an only child. But I agree. You can't force two people to "click." I think DW feels that because I love her and SD loves her, that SD and I should love each other, like one of those old if/then word analogies from elementary school.

If that's the case, your mom

If that's the case, your mom loves you and so does she. Why doesn't she love your mom?

I'm sure she is "Grandma"

I'm sure she is "Grandma" when it's Christmas time. Check your wife. Sometimes they can't comprehend someone not loving their precious little angel snowflake baby as much as they do. Her rose-tinted goggles must be thick. If you want them to have a relationship then suggest to your wife little bonding opportunities for your mom and SD. If you don't mind, which I personally wouldn't, then just mention the times she does offer to bond that SD refuses and tell her your family is only trying to go at SD's pace and letting her decide what kind of relationship to have with them. That puts the ball back in the SD's court and away from Bm trying to "fix" a relationship between them.

Actually it IS the 11 year

Actually it IS the 11 year old’s job to make sure they’re behaviors are socially acceptable. It’s everyones job to do that unless you’re a sociopath.

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How would you respond to this?