Is it worth it to stay in relationship?
Hi all, I am very new to this site. I've been reading so many of the forums posts and its enlightening to hear that I am not alone in a volatile situation.
I have a 3 BD from a previous relationship. She lives with me, and she's a constant in my life and relationship with my SO, who is there most of the time. His 6-year old son from a previous relationship is a horrible little brat. I tried very hard to reach out to him and be nice and make him feel accepted, but he's acting out something chronic. He's started bullying my BD3 and this is where I draw the line. I understand that this SS6's behaviour is rooted in feelings of displacement, he's frustrated because his mother (whom he lives with) could just ot give a damn about him. They have no structured visitation agreements, she drops the child off without notice, even when SO is not at home, and he has to drop what he's doing to go fetch his dealy-beloved-helpless-mauchausen-syndrome-attention-seeking brat.
I have come to a point where I just don't like this child. All te developmental psychology I've learnt at university flies out the window whenever I see him. I understand from a ratinal point why this boy is the way he is, but I can't help but not like him because of how he treats my daughter. He does not eat the food I cook, and his father has to force him to greet me whenever he walks into the house.
Now I am 4 months pregnant, and I am seriously considering ending this relatinoship because of this child. I love my SO and he loves me dearly, but when I read the stories, I can see how we're going to end up in the same situation, where in 20 years time I will be angry with myself for not following my instinct to leave now. That's the problem. I really do love him, and I know he loves me too. But now the situation gets worse, because the BM of this child text-messaged my SO to say she no longer wants the child, and he must live with my SO as of next year.
I don't know how to process this information. Because I'll be having my baby next year, and in no mood to be dealing with the psychological mess that was created that I am expected to put up with. This child is mean, vindictive and it surprises me at just how devious a 6 year old child can be. I secretly refer to him as "chucky". Is it really worth staying?
I have a DH that is
I have a DH that is constantly guilty of number 9. I am always so frustrated because he never puts me and our unborn child first. Do you have experience with this? Any thoughts?
this is scary, he is guilty
this is scary, he is guilty of 1,2,3,4,6 and 11!
the worst part is the effects this is having on my BD3. She's copying his bullying behaviour now.
A friend advised me to go through with marrying him and we all live under the same roof with the same rules for the children, that way I am able to control the relationship Chucky will have with my unborn child instead of leaving, and creating further complicated family dynamics. but I fear that I am going to start ignoring Chucky purposely and making him feel unwelcome. Do you think therapy is able to save this kid from himself? My SO is not in denial about his childs issues and agrees that his behaviour is unacceptable, but looks to me for answers. i did not create this mess, and feel like I am being asked to mother a child who does not like me. I am not willing to sign up for that.
thank you so much for your
thank you so much for your input, my gut feeling tells me that both of you are right as I have these same thoughts. no matter how much you love someone, their children CAN ruin your relationship. I think its in the best interest for my BD3 and unborn little one to raise them in a home that is free of bullying and having to deal with a child, which I know there is no hope for.
Sueu2, you know I read you
Sueu2, you know I read you post over and over, and the truth of the matter is that I am left with very limited choices here. What makes it so complicated is that other than this horrific child of his, we have no issues between the two of us that we can't, and don't manage. We love each other, are in love with each other... and for the better part want this relationship to work with everything inside of us. The fact that one element of our lives poses a significant threat does not mean we walk away without exploring the options.
The sad reality is that I don't like his kid. I did. Now I don't. I stopped liking his kid the minute he started lifting his hands to my BD3. I cried about the situation so many times, and realised that my tears are not really getting me anywhere closer to finding a solution.
Secondary to my gut instinct, my first choice would be to take a trial of separation (which I suggested we take last night) for his child to move in with him, re-familiarise himself in that environment, settle in, while I can go through my pregnancy as stress-free as possible. I have a wonderful support structure and environment to enable that to happen.
Following the result of that, if his behaviour improves (which I honestly believe is the bad environment that was provided at his BM home) we can try again. I will have measures in place which will reduce the risks significantly. He will not be allowed to be alone with my BD3 and Newborn (NB). His behaviour will have to be monitored accordingly. That way my children are safe, and he learns from a safe distance what will and will not be tolerated.
See the thing is that I want this relationship to work, and he called me this morning and said he also wants our relationship to work, and is willing to explore the options of making this work. I told him that I am in no way making decisions for his son. That must come from him. My SO has to sit down with his ex and explain to him that they both love him and that just because they're not together does not mean its his fault or that they love him any less. Psychologically, I think that speaks volumes to the emotional well being of that child.
In that I don't like the child, I recognise that he is a wounded child. And the operative word in that sentence is child. He's 6 years old. He's been displaced, and in a volatile situation for most of his life. One cannot expect any different. He vents his frustrations in unhealthy ways. Having said that, as a mother, it is my responsibility to protect my children from the effects of his insecurities.
If all else fails, we can always look at sending his son to a boarding school, where he is in a safe environment, where the focus is on emotional well being and to teach him to be a contributing member of society. I would hate to see this child become a failure in life because of the situation he was born into. Whether I stay or go, is my decision. But I know I can try and heal this little boy from the dysfunction he was exposed to. Bad habits can be broken if it is shown consistently love time that good behaviour yields more positive results in the long run. At the end of the day, I am an adult who does have the ability to be able to want to work and try and assist as best I can, within boundaries. My number one boundary is that this is YOUR responsibility, I am ASSISTING you in this situation. You need to restructure your methods of discipline, and you need to ensure that your child does not compromise the emotional development of the other children in this situation. That's my fundamental requirement.
I am having a discussion with SO later after work (I am in South Africa, so we're a few hours ahead, so I may have feedback to this by the time my fellow North American steps are awake).
He thinks HIS child is
He thinks HIS child is "different" or "special" and should be raised without rules in compensation for not having a mom and dad living under the same roof. CLASSIC guilt parent.
Yep. This is my stbx H to a T, so I say get out while you still have a chance! You may love this man now, but resentment has a way of eating away at "love" until it's all devoured!
My mom said it best this a.m.
My mom said it best this a.m. Even when they are grown and gone he will always have his kids. The kid doesn't go anywhere its always gonna be around. Depressing!