SS gave father ultimatum - me or him
My boyfriend and I just bought a house together 3 weeks ago. Both my 6-year old daughter and his 13-year old son were excited about the new house and all of us being together. Now, I'm living in HELL. He started by being disrespectful as we're getting our house organized...arguing about the linen closet being his and about getting cable in his room... We had a major blow-up with his father on Thursday (I was not privy to the conversation, but know that part of it was about me having to move out of our house), which resulted in his not going camping with us, and his father dumping him at his mother's. We picked him up Monday night, and once again the SS and father had a huge fight (not at home), and SS told his father he didn't like me...among other things. When they came home SS jumped on my computer and I told his father that SS could not use my computer if he's being disrespectful. His father talked to him, and next thing SS's asking if he can use my computer. I said no, as he was not respectful to me. He stormed off...next thing I know he's called his mother to pick him up, he doesn't want to stay with us. As he's leaving I ask him why SS why he hates me so much and he says because I'm old and annoying, and I baby my 6-year old. He ends up telling me to shut-up just before his mother gets there to pick him up. His father told him not to say that to me. His father took SS's cell phone away prior to him leaving. SS tells his father he's not taking all of his stuff because he knows his father will want him to come back. Several times over course of week SS texts his father begging to come home. His father tells him he has to write an apology to both of us and state what he'll do different. SS still hasn't written apology, but father has agreed to pick SS up and take him and his girlfriend to movies tonight, as he's not going to see her for 2 weeks. I told his father that this was rewarding SS and that I disagreed with it. His father says it's not rewarding him, basically being sympathetic that the SS and his girlfriend won't see each other for 2 weeks. SS texted his father several times last night and, at some point, gave him the ultimatum that he had to choose between me or him. Father says he will not choose that he loves us both. He says that if SS does not straighten up he can either move in with his mother permanently, or he'll send him to some place to straighten him out. Today I tell father that I don't want to go to the movies with them tonight...plan was for him and I to go to one movie while the kids went to another. Told him I wasn't comfortable going with SS and girlfriend (who's mother has been feeding into SS's behavior - saying she's going to call father to tell him he needs to listen to SS or he'll lose him). He got sarcastic with me saying that he'd just go alone...what fun that will be. I don't agree with his decision and can't support it. I say he's not teaching him anything because he's giving in prior to the consequence being successfully followed through on (e.g. the written apology to the both of us). I'm at my wit's end, and am afraid that I'm the one who will lose. I think the SS is manipulative and will try his hardest to destroy my boyfriend and I's relationship. Boy was I dumb in not having a clue about blended families... Now I just wish I had a safe place to vent, which is how I stumbled upon this website.
Man....all this defiance from
Man....all this defiance from a 13 year old. Since it seems you got along before you all moved in together, I would ask myself what has changed? If you can honestly say that your behavior toward him is the same as it was before you made the move, then it's no doubt within him. I have found that most times, the root of most difficulties is someone's lack of security, or miscommunication or no communication. So what can you do? It sounds like you guys are caught in a cycle... SS get's upset, Dad, who is by definition in the middle, tries to keep the peace, Smom and Dad aren't a united front, SS senses that....threatens to move out.....now Dad is trying to still have his relationship, and stick up for you...if followed to the logical conclusion, SS won't take seriously Dad's demand for an apology the longer goes by that none is forthcoming.....before you know it he's back,...and on you go till the next time SS gets upset. Sounds to me as if you two are being emotionally blackmailed by SS. Her or me....my way or I'll go to Mom's....
You guys have to get control back. Have you tried to just talk to SS to ask what the matter is, what's changed...how is it he perceives being second best to your daughter. His attempts to claim the closet and be in control of his room I think are ways he's tryiing to get some say so over what's happening to him. We have to try to remember sometimes, they didn't choose us, their Dad did.
My husband and SS had about 2 years where they were almost constantly at it. SS was dissrespectful to all the rest of us....had his hand out all the time...was just unpleasant. We did't understand this...he had been a good kid! Finally, my husband just had a heart to heart with him and told him that he loved him, always would...but that unless he could change his behavior and stop causing a stessful environment for the rest of us, perhaps it would be best if he moved out and went to his Mothers. SS reply was...so you're kicking me out? My husband held firm and said no......you have a decision to make...plain and simple.
For his remaining time in our home things with SS got better. He's away at college now and while I can't say their relationship is all better..it's strained. But I think at least SS understood finally that he was being difficult and if he wasn't careful there were pretty heavy consequences to pay for that.
For the sake of your little family, you two parents have to get together. If you aren't or if you disagree on matters pertaining to the kids in front of them...they will divide and conquer you......If you two are willing to do whatever you need to do to stay together, you have won half the battle.....remember you guys are in charge, not a 13 year old child.
Let us hear from you and good luck
PS I have a blog goodstepmom.com....where I share my experiences...you might find a tid bit or two there as well.
And a 6 year old child needs
And a 6 year old child needs more care than a 13 year old...
Funny you say emotionally
Funny you say emotionally blackmailed, because my therapist said emotionally held hostage...I told my significant other that. Having 2 people say it convinces him more.
Well, father asked SS about going to movies during the day yesterday, and SS's response was did he make a decision...father didn't reply. SS did end up going to the movies, his girlfriend's mother picked him up at BM's home and took them. Amazing how peaceful the house is without SS here. Father and I start family therapy today to help cope with crap. Fortunately my 6-year old has been with her father the majority of this past week and a half, so she's missed a lot of the drama. I know she's shown symptoms of being affected by SS's behavior. I pray that things will all work out for all of us.
Just to give you a little more background on me, I am the mom of a 28-year old son, who's currently serving in the Army; a 24-year old daughter, who's a perpetual college student; a 23-year old son, who graduated from college in December and is working for the state senate. Then I had my 6-year old daughter at the age of 43. I just celebrated my 50th birthday. Now, my boyfriend (significant other) has 4 kids, a 37-year old son, who has given him 5 grand children; a 33-year old son that lives with his mother; a 15-year old daughter that lives with her BM, and then the 13-year old that is supposed to be living with us. My SO (e.g. significant other) just celebrated his 58th birthday. So, between the 2 of us we have plenty of experience with kids, and neither one of us has gone through this much crap with our other kids. So, this is a totally foreign venture we've put ourselves in. We should be starting to enjoy the grand kids, instead we're battling with a selfish, self-centered 13-year old!
Thanks for your comments...I will definitely visit your blog.
I agree with you he should
I agree with you he should not be rewarded for his behavior to you - see we are the stepparents are made to lay down the law while the birth parents give in to their kids - he is testing his boundaries and you have a right to stick to your guns - if you don't he will start to walk all over you - good luck. And seriously so many skids have lost their parents by the stupid ultimatum - skids and kids think that the parents should love them the most over anyone else and as I tell DD5 - Daddy does not love her any more than me but that it is a different kind of love and just to be happy that he loves us both. I know she is too young to get it but I hope one day she will. Right now we are dealing with SS17 sounding like a mini-bm and my DH's attitude is if he chooses to not have a relationship with us that is his loss and he understands while he lives with BM full time he needs to do what he must to survive but once he is out on his own next year and he would choose not to have a relationship with us DH said while he would be sad about it he also says that he and I are married and we come first before both kids - I always say if the head of the home (husband and wife are not strong and singleminded) then the whole body suffers and it becomes a mess.
I never knew what I was getting into - I don't think any of us on here really knew the true ramifications of loving a man with a child or children but I told my DH when we found out that SS would be coming to live with us full time 3 months after that wedding that either we stood united in all things are this would not work - and we have backed each other up for the most part ever since - now if I could have just know what a pain in the butt BM was going to be I would have amended what I said but there is no way of knowing until you are in the situation up to your eyeballs what step families truly entail!!!
I'm so glad you guys are
I'm so glad you guys are together on getting help for this from a trained professional. We're too in it to sometimes effectively cause a change.... You guys have so much experience to draw from between you, that's great! This little guy is hurting for whatever reason I think. I believe there are occasional bad seeds in this world that no amount of love can help... But I think they are thankfully rare and at this point I wouldn't throw in the towel on him! Thanks for the info on you...talk to you later
GS
I love this post...this whole
I love this post...this whole thread and can really relate. My first time here and I am so grateful it exists and that i am not alone out there. I know there are alot of really brilliant, caring, loving people out there simply trying to find peace in their lives. Take care all.....be strong. I will post for more advice when I have more time..for now it is bedtime. Another day, another dollar...lol Just for your info..I am engaged to an incredible man with a terribly poisonous ex wife who suffers from borderline personality disorder and he has two children aged 12 and 14. Ex wife trying desperately to poison the kids against me...with one it is working, with the other it isn't. Hard, hard work and sometimes I just want to run away to Tibet and live in the hills...sometimes I cry...miss my farm, living alone, working at a job I loved, miss my friends, but love my fiance. He is worth it and a package deal...thanks for reading...