Childish rant but help me understand this
From the beginning that DH and I have been together, we have always rotated families for Christmas Dinner, which always revolved around which year he had his daughters. So one year his daughters would be with BM on Christmas Eve and day, then with us in the afternoon and for Christmas dinner
On the alternating years we would have DH's daughters on Christmas eve and day, and then in the afternoon they would go to BM's...so regardless of whose year it was, both DH and BM always had the girls at some point on Christmas Day
So on the year's that we had DH's daughters, I always had Christmas dinner with DH's family, and on the years the girls were with their Mom for Christmas dinner, DH and I had Christmas dinner at my family's
Then one day BM just decided she would have Christmas dinner whenever, and it was up to the girls where they would go. The girls were adults then so no problem, DH and I continued to rotate. I always however went out of my way to try to arrange for DH and I to spend Christmas dinner with his family, if this is when his daughters decided they would have dinner with his family
Then YSD moved out west, and now comes home on average twice a year. I've continued to work around DH's life so for example, it was my turn last year to host my family's Christmas. I hosted on Boxing Day, which actually put some of my siblings out, so that we could once again spend it with DH's family on Christmas Day dinner, even though technically it was our turn to see my family. This caused me some grief with my family, but I thought it's so important for DH to have Christmas dinner with YSD, and he doesn't see her every day, so I tended to always try to cater to him and her where I could
So, today DH gets a text message from YSD asking if we are spending Christmas dinner this year with my family, or with their side
I assume this means she wants to spend Christmas dinner with DH's family. I was as always going to find out whose turn on my family's side was hosting and which day, to do my best to accommodate DH, so he can have Xmas dinner with YSD
THEN however, before I had a chance, Dh suggests to me that we should be having Christmas dinner with his family again, because we should be spending it with YSD....he says it like it is absolutely selfish of me to even consider not spending Christmas dinner at his family's with YSD, and then justifies this that I see my family all the time, and he only sees his adult daughter a few weeks twice a year so in fact, we should spend EVERY Christmas dinner with his family from now on
So, I'm like, "let me get this straight - you're saying I should give up seeing my own family for Christmas dinner every single year, because your daughter only comes home twice a year, three weeks in the summer and three weeks over Christmas and therefore every single Christmas dinner should be spent with her at your family each and every time she decides to have Christmas dinner with your family (which is usually the case because BM prefers to have Xmas dinner on Christmas Eve instead)
DH says yes, this is correct. He again says that we see my family all the time, so what's the big deal if we don't have Christmas dinner together, as in ever????
I ask him does he not think it's important to my own family and I to have Christmas dinner together? So WHAT if we see each other more often, why should we give up Christmas dinner together EVERY year JUST because his adult daughter moved away from home out west
Am I on crack, or is this just another selfish unforgiving thing our DH's expect from us second-class second wives?
Grrrrr!!!!
Oh, forgot to add that I then
Oh, forgot to add that I then told DH that the perfect solution is that he spend EVERY Christmas dinner with his family from now on, and I will spend every single one with my family too. Pathetic at this stage in our marriage that is where it's at. And made sure I mentioned to him that after all the years I have sacrificed my family for his, with no appreciation whatsoever (not that I expected any) but still, did not expect this selfishness, I am just done doing anything self-sacrificing for him or his family any longer. Period
He's a fucking asshole. But
He's a fucking asshole. But you already know that.
Thank you notasm3, that was
Thank you notasm3, that was exactly what I was thinking, but really needed to know I haven't lost my mind!
Those are such good points
Those are such good points Alzeka! Dh's daughter's do next to nothing for him. Grace him with their presence once in a while. When he has been sick, in emergency at the hospital and they have been fully aware, they did nothing. They both seem to think they are victim's, and DH 'owes' them therefore it's okay to shit on him, but that is a whole other rant. But you are right, it's still them - YSD really - that DH will cater too, NOT his wife who is the one looking after him and the one who has made a huge effort to always put him and his children first
Yes time to be selfish, you are correct. I really from this point on am just going to do the 'right' thing, including what is right for me and my family too!
This actually hit a chord in
This actually hit a chord in me.
For the last 5 years, Thanksgiving and Christmas has been spent with MIL. I recently started asking DH if we could rotate. He is not keen on the idea.
I get that, as non-christian Chinese people, my family probably does not hold Christmas in as high an esteem as yours, but they would like to spend Christmas (which, up until I was married, we did celebrate--small style but it was there) with me and their only grandchild sometimes.
You know what, I'm going to push this issue when he gets home. This gets my goat.
That sucks step-thing, can't
That sucks step-thing, can't win either way
just do what's right for all, what else can you do?
You go not2sureimsane! Yes it
You go not2sureimsane! Yes it should be equal, not always his family! Wish my Dh got that too!
Seriously...just spend
Seriously...just spend Christmas with your family. What law says you and DH have to spend every last holiday together? I am guilty of this as well...having some Utopian idea of families joining together each Christmas with our spouses and it being absolutely perfect. Guess what? In-laws can suck, steps can suck....sometimes it's better to just surround yourself with those that don't suck...and if that means spending a holiday...one day a year away from your beloved, so be it. You can celebrate your holidays together, privately in any way you deem fit.
Keep rotating as you see fit, and if he joins you awesome, and if not, oh well....enjoy yourself without him.
Your husbands being an
Your husbands being an asshole and simply ranking his family ( his daughter ) higher than your family. And ultimately it comes down to if you want to spend christmas with your family you go and do that. But honestly Id want to keep the rotating agreement too.
I guess I'm confused why the
I guess I'm confused why the SD can't go along and celebrate with your family? Does it always have to be separate? Just curious.
Dup
Dup
Then by his reasoning, since
Then by his reasoning, since you see HIM all the time, you can take the one day a year and go spend it with whomever you choose. I mean, he gets to see you every day. Why be selfish?
I love that canigetabm, and
I love that canigetabm, and yes that is exactly what I've said to DH in the past. YSD has always been invited, and once or twice even come, to my family's get together's...but she will only do that for the ones they don't celebrate together (like Easter) I don't see why she can't come to my family's Christmas dinner, she will still be with her dad, but given a choice she will celebrate it with DH's family (my FIL, and DH's sister) instead