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BM giving new baby DH's last name!!!!

MissMaryMack's picture

So there's a huge backstory here but I will sum it up by saying when I met DH 4 years ago his BM had cheated on him and moved out, left him with the kids, and they were int he process of divorce. But as soon as she found out he was dating someone (me) and happy she lost her damn mind and has tried to make our lives miserable since that day. She sought out one of DH's old buddies from school and married him two months after DH and I got married. She has 50% custody of their boys now but the kids tell us that their mom and her new hubby fight constantly and that new hubs has packed up his stuff and tried to leave on several occasions. She somehow suckered him in, got him to quit his job and play house maid, sold his car and they share one minivan... it's all insane. Apparently the man has no balls.  Anyway, they got married last December and she still hasn't changed her last name. She still has DH's last name and made it a point to tell him she is keeping his last name so she has the same last name as her kids. Well, that annoys me enough but whatever nothing we can do. 

Sooooo a couple weeks ago the cat's out of the bag the boys tell us that she is pregnant. Last night SS11 informs DH that the new baby is going to have their last name so mommy doesn't have to explain to anyone why her kids have different last name. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?? DH went ballistic. He hates her and it upset him enough that she refuses to drop his last name but now she's going to give her new baby his last name?!?! This woman is legit crazy and there isn't much she says or does that surprises me anymore but I have to say, this was unexpected!!! I hate her sooooooo much!!

ICanMakeIt's picture

doesn't have a problem with this? WOW!! I'm sorry that would make me mental!

lieutenant_dad's picture

She is abusing and controlling the new husband while also keeping her claws in your DH. She definitely wins the Crazy Naming Award, and I feel sorry for all involved.

notarelative's picture

Will the new husband agree with this? Your profile says Florida.

(a) If the mother is married at the time of birth, the mother and father whose names are entered on the birth certificate shall select the given names and surname of the child if both parents have custody of the child, otherwise the parent who has custody shall select the child’s name.

(b) If the mother and father whose names are entered on the birth certificate disagree on the surname of the child and both parents have custody of the child, the surname selected by the father and the surname selected by the mother shall both be entered on the birth certificate, separated by a hyphen, with the selected names entered in alphabetical order. If the parents disagree on the selection of a given name, the given name may not be entered on the certificate until a joint agreement that lists the agreed upon given name and is notarized by both parents is submitted to the department, or until a given name is selected by a court.

https://www.flsenate.gov/Laws/Statutes/2012/382.013

MissMaryMack's picture

She has complete control of him. She somehow got him to quite his job to stay home and raise HER kids. She sold both cars and bought ONE mini van for them to share... obviously he doesn't get a whole lot of say... 

tog redux's picture

Well, the thing is - she's giving the baby HER last name. It also belongs to her now, since she changed it to match his. (Yes it's weird, but it is HER last name, too).

ldvilen's picture

Hmm, it appears this is not all that uncommon as one may think.  Here is a link to a good discussion on the topic:  https://legalbeagle.com/12718449-can-a-divorced-woman-give-her-child-her...

It states: "You can even give your child your ex-husband's last name if you know your ex-husband is not the child's father provided you do not do so in an attempt to commit fraud."

This makes the distinction between just giving the child whatever last-name vs. trying to claim some sort of paternity.  I'd be more interested in knowing what the rightful dad has to say about all of this?  On the birth certificate, she would need to list the proper dad's name, and if she is truly married, that would be her new DH regardless.  

If she wants all of her kids to have the same last name to "avoid confusion," that would not serve anyone other than herself.  If anything, for a child to have the last name of someone who is not his father is more likely to make that child feel like his real father didn't care enough about him to give him his last name.

Well, I could go on and on about what a bad deal this is, but we all know what nutso GUBM are all about--themselves.  The nut will do whatever she darn well feels like and use her kids to justify everything and anything.  

This particular article talks about, depending ont he state, your DH may be able to legally make a fuss about it.  Or, BM may be blowing hot air, but who knows?  The main point is that the kid's last name and paternity are two seperate things.  She can give the kid DH's last name, but that cannot alone be interpreted as paternity and there is a "fraud" factor she needs to be careful of.

Here are links to a couple of other articles by attorneys about such.  See. . . it isn't all that uncommon.

https://www.avvo.com/legal-answers/can-my-ex-wife-give-my-last-name-to-h...

https://forum.freeadvice.com/threads/ex-wife-gave-her-baby-my-last-name-...

The last one makes the point that she could call her child Bill Gates if she wanted to, but that doesn't make Bill Gates the father.  However, this does show you that women do "own" their children, so to speak, according to the law.  Bio-dad just has to finance the child.  He doesn't necessarily "own" the kid, at least not to the same degree that BM legally does.

tog redux's picture

Seems to me that she's giving the baby HER last name, not the ex's. It's hers now. And while traditionally, kids born to two people with different last names take the father's name, that doesn't have to happen legally.

I was thinking that BM had changed her name to new husband's name, but then wanted to give the baby DH's name, which would be super weird - but in this case, she's just being non-traditional by giving the baby her name instead of husband's.  I can't imagine OP's DH would have any recourse at all.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

To me, it's the same as the post about a BM divorcing then changing her name back to DH's name. Sadly, they can do whatever they want with their names and their new kids by new BDs names. All this crazy is a product of your DH breeding with a substandard human. He chose poorly and it will affect his life to some degree until the kids are grown. It is your DH who gets to choose to what degree this toxic woman affects his life, and, by association, yours. It is up to him to set and enforce boundaries with her and with their kids they had together. Some things can't be helped, but some can, and you know (as I knew) whether your DH is part of the problem or part of the solution. That was the hardest thing for me to realize. 

tog redux's picture

Yep. He married this person, and now his last name is her name with which to do whatever she wants.  All he can do is accept and ignore, and be damn glad he's not married to her anymore.

ICanMakeIt's picture

the BM should just have ball-less wonder change his last name to your DH's name too that way he isn't the only one out in the cold. SMH!

SCDad01's picture

The baby should have the father's last name. I don't care what the mom's last name is.  Surprised the father isn't more pissed about this than your DH. 

susanm's picture

He may not know yet.  Or this could just be something that BM is doing to get a rise out of people.  You know how much they like doing that!  I get that this guy is whipped but most men will not put up with their child being given another man's name.  Especially since in a case like this he would constantly have to be telling people that this particular kid - even though it has DH's last name - is actually HIS CHILD.  I don't see that happening no matter how firmly she may have him under her thumb.  He would never live it down with his family and friends.  

CLove's picture

DH and I and Toxic Troll are too old for this chit, being in our 50's.

I feel bad for the kiddo.

The new husband is an adult and will have to deal with his poor choices of breeding partners.

Rags's picture

Bad

If I were your DH I would repeatedly publish in the local paper that her spawn was not mine.  Right under her birth announcement, on every birthday of that kid, and I would make sure that that toxic manipulative whore never was alowed to use my name without anyone and everyone knowing that her non related kids were not mine.

smh

Beyond belief.

IMHO it is time for you and DH to move to a different state and invoke long distance visitaiton where BM and her non related spawn can have zero place or participation in your family name or experiences with DH's failed family progeny.

 

Sandybeaches's picture

Yes that is fantastic!!!!!  Do just that!!!  Include a picture of your happy family with the announcement!!  

I think the craziest part of the whole thing is that the husband doesn't care. 

My first cousin was married had 2 kids and they got divorced.  My cousin kept her husbands last name.  She then had a baby with her boyfriend and her ex-husband was so upset that his last name would be on the hospital bassinet for the first hours until the birth cert. was filled out, that he called my cousin and told her to change back to her maiden name before she gave birth!!  True story!!  

hereiam's picture

now she's going to give her new baby his last name?!?!

If she didn't go back to her maiden name and she didn't take her current husband's last name, legally, her last name is HER last name, even if it happens to be from when she was married to your DH.

I get it, it is annoying that she is giving this kid that last name instead of the father's, but not much can be done about it. And really, what man would allow that? My sisters ex BF took her to court to change my niece's last name to his, and won.

My DH would be pissed, as well, so I'm not saying your DH doesn't have a right to be upset, just that there is nothing he can do about it.

Publishing some nonsense in the newspaper is not going to accomplish anything, except your DH looking like a petty jerk. I'm sure people will realize it's not his child.

tog redux's picture

Exactly, thank you. Why is everyone saying it’s DH’s last name? It’s her last name. This is what happens when you marry a crazy person. A newspaper article would make her DH look like the crazy one. Maybe the new husband hates his last name, who knows. 

Sandybeaches's picture

Tog and HereIam, I could be wrong but I think that the newspaper thing was a joke. :)  and if not certainly my response was meant in jest... Only Rags can tell us for sure but I think that it was ...

While legally sure it is her last name to keep but when she is not only married to someone else, but also having someone else's baby, keeping the name and giving it to the child, is not only beyond tacky it is ridiculous!

The fact of what the new last name is and her feelings on it do not come into play whats so ever!  I don't care if the new husbands last name is Nosepicker she should be changing her name to it or at the very least making sure that baby has the new last name and not her former DH's.  It lacks class and is tacky to let that new child have her former DH's name! 

tog redux's picture

No, women aren’t obligated to change their name to Nosepicker to satisfy some silly patriarchal tradition. And I said maybe her HUSBAND doesn’t like his last name. I love how people insist a woman has to change her last name when married, then insist she has to give it back when they divorce. It’s her name, and yes, it’s odd that the kid doesn’t have her DH’s last name, but not entirely unheard of.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rags's picture

However, I do agree that there is nothing the man whose name it rightfully is can do nothing about it.  Sadly.

With a manipulative and toxic X, zero tolerance for manipulation is in order. And this is toxic manipulative behavior from a manipulative XW.

If I were this man, I would do everything in my power to make it as public as possible that this was not my kid and that my XW was playing games. My only concern beyond that would be protecting my children from this toxic crap as much as possible.

Hopefully her lastest sperm donor has the balls to tag his kid with his last name and not tolerate this manipulative crap from his mate. And... this all becomes moot.

 

 

 

Sandybeaches's picture

"Why is everyone saying it’s DH’s last name? It’s her last name" 

For the same reason you are saying a woman isn't  obligated to switch to HER DH's name.  HIS name not hers.  While she may be using the name it really is never her name it is his family name.  My MIL has been married for 50 years and while she uses her husbands name she states often it is his name and she is not a XXXX their last name.

I think it is a matter of opinion however there are certain times when it is proper and the right thing to do to change your name from a former husbands name and marrying someone else is one and certainly having a baby is another time.  So ok of course she doesn't need to take her new DH's name if she doesn't like it but change back to her maiden name then.  That is her name, her family name and the name she should be giving a baby that does not belong to her DH.  

Keeping DH's name to match the kids last name is a very normal thing to do.  But re-marrying and keeping your former DH's name and having babies and naming them former DH;s last name is not normal and lacks class! Same as my situation BM leaving her current husband of 10 years and going back to my DH's last name when the kids are full grown adults and one even married is just plain strange!  Not to mention a manipulative move to connect herself to DH.  No reason to do that either.  

Sweetbug10's picture

Given my husbands legal issues with kids I know in my state this for sure is illegal if he did not father the child. And no hospital should be allowing her to put anyone but the person that biologically is realted to the child. The only other scenario that is allowed is if the biological father gave uo their rights and another person is actively present and willing to raise this baby, they then can sign the papers / adopt the baby but there is a lot of gray area and legal shit that needs to be done here. I have looked into this shit many MANY times esp since my husband wanted to claim that his first son he didnt think was his and after lots of research had to inform him nobody can just put someone on a birth certificate as a parent and if that oarent is not present in the hospital a father can not be listed if they are not there to sign for themselves.

Either way for him a moot point bc the kid is his twin just like the one he has custody of and the courts established paternity very early on even though he does not want to admit it but DNA is DNA. Not sure where you are located but again you can not just claim someone is the parent, they need to be present to sign and every hospital knows their state and federal laws regarding this because they would be in deep shit legally if they allowed something they shouldnt bc birth certificates in some cases can not be ammended. Courts / the legal system sucks when it comes to things like this.

still learning's picture

She's giving the baby her last name, not claiming that her ex is the father.  

still learning's picture

An aquaintance of mine was in the process of divorce and he and his wife were seeing other people. During that time she got pregnant and the guy jetted not wanting anything to do with her or the kid.  She gave birth and gave the kid her last name which was also her now ex's last name.  Long story short they got back together and only family and a few of us others know the real story behind youngest kids paternity.  

Another family I know gave one kid mom's last name and one kid dads. Mom did this because she was the last one in her family to carry her name and wanted her son to pass it on. This was weird to me because they are full bio siblings.  Forever they will have to explain why as brothers they have different last names.  

I wouldn't worry to much about it unless she lists DH as the father.  

notarelative's picture

I know one family where the parents decided to hyphenate their children's last names. The son is Smith-Jones. The daughter is Jones-Smith. So nobody in the family has the same last name.

nappisan's picture

I would be so angry!  Yes i understand that she has kept that name after they divorced , but giving it to your new baby with another man is just plain weird ,,, if i was the new husband , i would certainly be annoyed about my new baby having another mans family name.   Im a widow and have recently changed back to my maiden name as i felt weird having someone elses family name , and i certainly wouldnt give it to my child if i had another one,, i would give them my maiden name at least. I would be upset too and your DH has every right to be angry with her but unfortunately theres really nothing anyone can do about it