BM is pissed & dragging SD8 into the mess...
BM will not accept that my husband wants to go to court. After 6 months of jumping through hoops, 3 sessions of mediation & my husband getting ready to agree to BM having SD8 full-time to avoid going to court, BM just couldn't stop pushing for total control of everything. She's been emailing him almost daily - mostly for nonsense reasons, sometimes to threaten him when she doesn't get everything she wants, sometimes to rub his face in the fact that she is about to have SD8 full-time. She calls us at home ONLY when we don't have SD8 - again, for nonsense reasons, more than likely just to ruin our alone time. Then she started calling him at work. After she called him yesterday & upset him, my husband's wonderful boss asked him, "Do you not want to take calls from her anymore?". My husband said that he didn't. So now his boss will take her calls & say that he's not available.
It is completely insane! This woman is relentless! Yes, my husband was about to sign the mediation agreement, which stated that BM would have SD8 full-time...but with *ONE* stipulation...now that BM is officially moving 30+ minutes away, they would meet halfway for drop off & pick up. BM flat out refused. She came up with other arrangements, which I'm sure was her way of "negotiating", but really it was just making sure she had very little to do, so my husband was always inconvenienced. My husband was already giving up his time with his daughter...isn't that enough? Can't BM do this one little thing?
So it was this, plus seeing how SD8 was dressed when we got her from BM's, SD8's homework not being done, SD8's attitude after being around BM, BM imposing on our time with SD8 several times this past week...my husband couldn't take it anymore. It's obvious that BM was 100% control of SD8. And not only that, but control my husband, as well.
On Friday, my husband told BM to file the court paperwork. BM was livid. She keeps saying she'll give him until Sunday to reconsider. That's when she called him at work & harassed him. Then she called our house & left a message on our voicemail. It's long, full of dramatic pauses & she's very angry/snotty. She keeps asking what to tell SD8. Ummmm...how about NOTHING?! Why drag her into this? We'll know where things stand once we go to court. Things could go BM's way, in which case, nothing changes as far as BM's plans go. If things go our way, we'll break it to SD8, who I'm sure will be upset. Mostly because BM has promised her the world & has been building up things.
So today, SD8 left us a message...for my husband to call her. She didn't say anything else. Obviously, BM put her up to calling. So now SD8 is going to go through all kinds of stress just because BM can't keep her mouth shut. BM tells the kids EVERYTHING with no regard for how it might affect them. She puts SD8 right in the middle, tells her things & then tells her not to tell us, makes all kinds of promises that she can't keep, etc, etc, etc.
Any advice on what to do? My husband does not plan on calling BM or SD8 back. He knows why SD8 is calling & by returning her call, he feels that he will put her even further in the middle. And since he's made it clear to BM that they need to work things out in court, he feels that calling or emailing her isn't going to do anything.
- squeegie_beckenheimer's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Please go for custody
For this poor little girl. She needs to live with you guys.
Document EVERYTHING. I can't emphasize that enough. I know firsthand that going to court is never fun, but if you bring all of your documentation with you, and show respect for the coutroom and judge, and are persistent, then eventually the judge will get sick of BM's antics.
Also, please get SD8 counseling. She would probably benefit from being able to talk to a neutral party about this.
Anon2009...
I have been documenting everything I can for several years now. I have journals, calendars, pictures & some physical evidence (school notices that were for BM that sat in SD8's backpack for a month, clothing that looks more like rags, etc.). BM isn't going to expect this!!!
As far as counseling...it's funny you mention that. SD8 had been seeing the school counselor the last couple months of school. BM took SD8 to another counselor without telling my husband until after the fact. (See my previous blogs on this.) In all honesty, both my husband & I felt that seeing the school counselor was enough because, quite frankly, SD8 is the most well-adjusted kid I've ever seen. But I'm slowly seeing something different here...that SD8 is increasingly like BM. BM is a narcissist & at times I would even say, sociopath. And SD8 is becoming a lot like her. She's extremely self-centered, focus has to be on her 24/7, she lies extremely well to get what she wants (like, if you believe the lie, that makes it the truth, sort of thing), etc.
So for BM to take her to a counselor, it's so BM can try to drudge up something she can use against us. She wants SD8 to be unhappy & damaged...just like former SD11. This is BM's way of controlling the kids. So now I'm thinking it might be beneficial for us to take SD8 to talk to a REAL counselor at some point. Maybe someone who can get out of the kid what BM is saying & doing to her. Because that's where the problem lies. I can guarantee it.
Draw as tight a box around BM as possible with the CO.
Then make sure you keep a copy of the CO rolled up and within reach so you can smack BM around the head and shoulders with it regularly.
Go for custody if you can and save V-Mail she leaves and play it for the Judge when you get to court.
Good luck and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
Rags...
I love that! I've imagined smacking BM over the head with things MANY times in the last several years, but a rolled up copy of the CO would be the safest!
You'd better believe we're saving BM's insane voicemails & emails. That woman is great at digging her own grave!
I would have your husband
I would have your husband look into a harassment order against BM, she is interfering in your personal life and his work life. I would also suggest that you arrange that the pick up/drop off location be a police station or substation. And IMHO I would ask the court to have SD8 undergo a psychological evaluation to see what damage BM is actually doing to her, it may go beyond PAS.
I agree that you need to stick to the Custody Agreement 100% at all times, BM sounds like if you give an inch she is always going to want a mile. If she violates that court order I would contact the police. A few years back our BM was supposed to take SK's to daycare by 7am and chose to bring them at 9am, even signed them in at 9am. This happened twice. We obtained a copy of the sign in sheet and my FH went to the police department and they went to her house and made it very clear to her that they could very easily arrest her at that moment for violating a court order. I believe they didn't that night, but there are two reports on file for that violation, lets just say the next time we went to court the judge wasn't exactly thrilled with her and reiterated that the order that he signed was not a "do as you please" kind of thing, but it was to be followed - period. Sorry got a bit off of track, but the point is that if you follow the order and she doesn't you do have something on her and you can do something about it.
Sounds very familiar
We have gone through these same things with my SS's BM time and again, every time a CO modification is proposed by either party, she starts doing all of the things your poor SD's BM is doing. I know how you feel, and I know how much it hurts to know that BM is putting her own daughter through unnecessary stress and trying to use her to manipulate your DH. And that is exactly what she is doing. BF has returned several of those phone calls from SS (mainly because if he doesn't, BM goes on a tirade on how BF is a bad parent because he didn't care enough to return a phone call from HER SON!!!%$*#), and it usually goes like this:
BF: Hey bud, was there something you wanted to talk to me about?
SS: Well...Um...
BF: Do you not want to talk about it?
SS: No.
BF: Ok, I love you...(they get off the phone)
Then a few minutes later, BM will call back.
BM: SS wants to talk to you about how he feels about (insert what she wants to manipulate BF about here).
BF: Ok, put him on.
SS: Hey, Dad. I don't like (xxx). I'm getting stress headaches and don't want to go to school because of (xxx).
[BM can be heard in the background coaching SS on what to say.]
BF: Ok, did you have more to tell me?
[Pause as SS whispers to his Mom]
SS: No, here's Mom.
Then BM will get on the phone and further reinforce her feelings on whatever issue and how it's obviously "best for SS" considering his "feelings" on the matter for BF to do like she wants him to do.
I am so sorry that you guys are having to go through this, but I'm the most sorry for that poor little girl who is being put in the middle. Good luck
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
When the Pscycho Bitch puts the kid on to parrot her idiocy
I would ask the boy outright is his Mom told him to say the things he is saying ........ if I was your DH. Then I would have the boy but Psycho Bitch on the the speaker phone and I would climb so far up her ass that I could see out of her eyeballs while very loudly laying in to her about loading up MY son with her Psycho BullSHIT ........ all in perfect ear shot of the young man.
He would know unequivocally that I had his back, I understood exactly what his CRAZY POS BM was putting him through and that I would not tolerate her loading her crap up on him. Then I would take her DIPSHIT ass to court and kick her tail all over the courtroom until she either wilted away and crawled her crazy ass in in to a nut house or she was too afraid to do anything but EXACTLY WHAT I TOLD HER TO DO! Grrrrrrrrr This crazy POS pisses me off and I don't even know her.
As for the phone calls. Have your DH get one of those 4# direct program phones that will only allow 4#'s to be called and program one for 911 and the other three for your DH's cell or home#. Tell him HE can call any time but his crazy ass mother can't touch it.
Wow!!!!!!!!!!! This crazy POS BM has me HOT and I am not talking in any pleasant sort of way.
Kick her ass, kick thoroughly and kick it often. And .............. get that poor young man as far away from her as possible. He may very well be getting stress headaches but not from his Dad. It is wacky BITCH of a mother that is stressing him out.
Sorry for the B-Word ladies, but sometimes no other word quite gets the point across.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
RE:
Rags, I love you.
We do ask SS. That is, when SS doesn't come out directly and say, "I'm supposed to say _____." or "Mom wants me to say ______." The answer is always the same. Mom told me to. Mom wants me to. Mom feels that way, but I don't.
We have been so busy playing damage control for SS these past several years that it's been really hard to do anything more than that during the time we have him. This weekend was actually a really good one - she only called two or three times each day for a few minutes and his mood wasn't really affected by talking to her. What's sad is that he's gotten to the point now that when the phone rings, he says, "That's probably for me" and goes to check the caller ID. I guess it's good in a way, it decreases the amount of time BF has to be on the phone with her...but SS realizes that we never get phone calls except from her while he is with us.
Yeah, the stress headaches was a new "symptom" of SS's that started last year. It surfaced right around the time that BF sued BM for full custody after she had been unemployed for 6-8 months. SS would say, "Dad, you are stressing me out with the custody stuff. I want you to drop it. It's giving me stress headaches so bad that I can't go to school." SS missed at least 20 days of school in 2008-2009 due to these mysterious "stress headaches" - that he has NEVER had while he was with us, BTW! Such is the same with all of his myriad "illnesses". Respiratory infections, flu, viruses...SS will miss weeks of school at a time due to being sick, but when we have him he's perfectly fine.
Sorry to the original poster, I really didn't mean to hijack your thread! Good luck sweetie.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*