BM constantly interfering with OUR time with SD8 (long rant!)
So a few months ago, during mediation, my husband & BM decided to split up the summer. We have SD8 for 4 weeks in July, BM has her for 4 weeks in August. I wasn't too thrilled about this arrangement, but my husband assured me that it would work out.
Well, we went to pick up SD8 last Friday evening. It was at a half-way point between our homes. We got there about 20 minutes early & BM showed up within 5 minutes. Now, keep in mind that BM is NEVER on time or early! I think she wanted to get there before us so she could bitch about how inconvenient it is to meet half-way. So HA! We spoiled that plan! So SD8 hops out of BM's car & runs to our car. BM gets out, annoyed & asks SD8 for a hug. SD8 goes back & hugs her, while BM goes on & on about how much she'll miss her, etc. SD8 doesn't seem to give a crap. My husband is loving this because BM always says how much more SD8 loves her over him & how SD8 is always hugging her & running excitedly to see her. Anyway, so BM then comes over to our car & gruffly says, "So where is she going to be in 4 weeks?". My husband paused, clearly surprised because BM NEVER plans anything in advance & says, "How about here?". BM grumbles, "I'm not going to be around to pick her up. So I'll just have someone pick her up from day camp.". My husband didn't know what to say, so he said ok. Of course, after giving it some thought, we'll need to know WHO is picking her up because a name will need to be on the list at the day camp. BM will love that. But, yeah, BM once again finds it more important to enjoy her social life than to see her daughter after a month. Big shock there.
Also, SD8 comes to us wearing shorts (too big, falling down her hips), a shirt (obviously an old piece of junk, all stretched out & shrunken up to be too short), nasty looking "Crocs" (from the thrift shop) & carrying 2 books BM just bought her & a stack of self-addressed stamped envelopes because she is supposed to write BM a letter several times a week! My mental notes: once again, no jacket (several of OUR jackets are at BM's; we now only have 1 for SD8 & we will not let her take it to BM's), no backpack (which would have been handy for taking places & storing extra clothes) and no sneakers. BM threw out the sneakers we bought, claiming they were too small. So BM went out & bought a pair. She let SD8 wear them to our house during the last few weeks of school, but now that we have SD8 for a month, BM wouldn't let her wear them to our house. (SD8 pointed this out.) I guess BM was being a bitch, figuring we'd have to go buy her a pair because she can't wear Crocs for everything. But the joke's on her because we already had a pair of sneakers that now fit SD8. So at least we didn't have to go spend more money that we don't have.
Oh, and after doing laundry this weekend, I realized that SD8 did not wear underwear from BM's either. (SD8 admitted this) Does this sound like a capable mother to you???!!
BM is so obviously trying to buy SD8's love. She started this months ago when the mediation started. She wants to be the fun parent & make us look bad because we can't afford all this stuff she does. So it started with the week before we picked up SD8. BM sent her to overnight camp for a week. (Which cost more than a whole month of the day camp we're sending her to this month.) BM bought her those books & had her bring them to our house -- a reminder of BM. (Don't even get me started on the letters she's supposed to write! PAS completely!) BM emailed SD8 a gift certificate for Amazon, which we're supposed to help her use to buy something. (My husband told SD8 that she can make a list of stuff she wants & then order it with the gift certificate when she's back at BM's.) And BM has filled SD8's head with all the fun stuff they're doing in August...SD8 is going to take taekando (however that's spelled!), they're going to Niagra Falls, they're going to do this & that, etc, etc.
So Sunday night, BM calls for SD8. They were on the phone for quite a while & BM did most of the talking. SD8 came into the kitchen with the phone at one point & I could hear some of what BM was saying...she was talking about fun things they were going to do in August...going biking, etc. After SD8 got off the phone, she was being really annoying & snotty (like she is whenever she's around BM), so I snapped & said, "So what was so important that BM had to call you about?"
SD8: "Nothing. She just wanted to say hi."
Me: "Is she going to call you the whole time you're with us?"
SD8: "I don't know."
Me: "Well, it's rude for her to bother you during your time with us. This is OUR time with you. We're not going to bother you next month when you're at BM's."
SD8 didn't say anything. She didn't seem to even care. She went off to play with the dog. I felt bad for snapping, but was just really pushed to my limit. We had SD8 less than 2 days & BM was calling, bragging about what she would be taking SD8 to do, basically putting a damper on our time with her. And SD8 just gets so bratty when she's had contact with BM. It's like taking steps backwards.
BM calls again Tuesday night. TWICE. SD8 is already sleeping after a long day at day camp, so we let it go to voicemail. Whatever SD8 tells BM about what we do here, anything at our house, whatever...BM has to outdo us. I guess SD8 told her that we have berry bushes on our property. So BM is talking about how there are TONS of berry bushes in their backyard at the new house. What a loser!
BM calls again last night. I didn't pick up because I thought it was a telemarketer. (BM apparently thinks she can trick us into answering the phone if she calls from random or private numbers. No clue where the hell she called from to get that number to come up on the caller ID!) So BM leaves a message about missing her last night & for her to call her at her boyfriend's place. My husband tells SD8 that BM called & that she should call her since she's missed 2 of her calls. SD8 says she doesn't want to call BM!!! (Classic!) My husband tells her that she needs to, so she does. Now, this is 20 minutes after BM's call. No one picks up. SD8 leaves a message. BM doesn't call back. So now I'm sure BM will call again tonight. Ugh. So tired of these games.
We're documenting all of this, by the way. At first, we figured we'd ignore her calls or tell her to give us space, but then figured BM would use that against us in court. So we're going to let the psycho call as much as she wants. We'll keep track. It'll go nicely with the whole PAS angle we're working on. Oh, and in case you're wondering, BM has been apart from SD8 for a month before & she didn't call a single time. This is all a show she's putting on for the new boyfriend & the court. I guarantee it!
- squeegie_beckenheimer's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I soooooo understand..
I would rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I am not.
SS is here for a full 8 weeks(we are 4 weeks in and Im going crazy already) and the bm who used to call non stop when we had previous visitations with ss is now texting ss everyday, several times a day. Not only is bm doing this, but now bm's just as psycho mother is texting ss as well. SS was sent to us with clothes that look like bm dug them out of the trash, he had hair so long that he looked like a girl( though dh and I immediatley took care of that) ss is extremley overweight for his age and because of this all of his shorts are stretch band shorts, so no nice dress shorts for outings. SS did come with tons of underwear, however, they all look like he has had them since the last time we had him(when he was 5). Bm, in her text messages, tells ss about all the new games and toys waiting for him when he gets home and all the exciting things they will be doing..We do not buy toys or games unless it is earned in this home which ss gets upset about," well my mommy would buy it for me!!", " so, let her buy it for you when you get home or do your chores here like bs13, and then maybe you can get it here". SS told us that he packed his own suitcase because bm told him he could(he is 8, like he knows what he will need!!!) I am tired of the games as well, its disgusting to take ss and bs to Walmart and hear ss name off everything his wonderful bm has bought him(with our previous $1100.00 a month c.s payments) while bs wonders why he doesnt have 2 Ipods, or the new PS3 and Xbox360, but still plays on his ancient PS2. When we picked up ss for visitation, we were not in the car more than 2 hours( 6 hour drive to p.u ss) before pas bm and her mother were texting ss...It is all show, but damn how frustrating it is for those of us on the recieving end!
Sebbie...
I knew there would be someone on here that understood my frustration! Sounds like you have it even worse than we do. I'm sorry for that.
The texting (or calling in our case) just shows how insecure these women are. If they have to be in constant contact, something is not quite right. It would be different if there was a possible abuse thing going on, but obviously that's not the case for either of us. It's just BM trying to prove that they are #1 in their child's life. And the constant reminder of that to the child makes it more difficult for the child to enjoy his or her time with the other parent. It really sucks.
It seems to be common practice for BMs to send their children to us wearing garbage. What is the point here? Is it just being vindictive? Is it trying to say, "Hey, I need more money!"? Or is it because that's really all they have at BM's because BM spends child support/income on herself & not the kid? I don't know, but we document this. Some of the stuff I've seen my SD come to our house wearing has been shocking. Any mother who lets her child dress this way should not have custody!
Oh yeah, and I hear you on the hair. SD8's hair is getting long & scraggly. BM won't let her have it cut & has convinced SD8 that she doesn't want it cut. The last time I mentioned getting a hair cut, SD8 shot me the look of death. So I don't even bring it up anymore. Let the kid look like a homeless person. What do I care? (Of course, I do care!) Meanwhile, SD8 will eat dinner & get her long, nasty hair in her food. And she'll complain about brushing it because it's so knotty. Simple solution, kid!
It really sucks that your BS misses out on things because of child support. I'm really worried about this, too. Up until now, my husband & BM have had 50/50 custody, so neither paid child support. (BM makes more money than my husband does anyway. And she gets child support from the father of her other daughter.) But we'll be going to court soon because BM has moved & now it has to be decided which parent SD8 will live with full-time. If BM gets full custody, we'll have to pay child support. We've crunched the numbers. If this happens, I will have to work at least part-time after our baby is born (I work full-time now). We're already strapped financially (we just bought a house). We live very simply & don't spend money on things we don't need. We don't have cell phones or cable, my wardrobe sucks, I need new shoes, we're trying to fix up the house before the baby is born (in January, so we have some time). And I worry that we'll be taking away from our child to support BM. (Because, guaranteed, BM will not spend the child support on SD8. She doesn't spend the child support she gets now on her other daughter, either.) So I feel for you & your BS.
Yep, I do understand!
I would rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I am not.
And on my end, I work full time as well, to support my son as p.o.s. ex hubby did a disappearing act 3 years ago and hasnt paid child support. So I understand the financial struggles, and while I have raised both of my children to understand it isnt THINGS that they will remember when they are adults, but the time and love we as parents spent and gave to them, it does break your heart when after the mortgage and car payments and other bills are paid(like outrageous c.s.payments and medical coverage) all you have left is just enough to live on. Thankfully we have had c.s reduced so we will have a little breathing room, and maybe, just maybe I will surprise bs with a new IPOD when ss goes back to where he came from. On the subject of haircuts...I REFUSE to be seen with ss the way bm sent him to us so it all came off! The best revenge I have ever had agiants her in 5 years was when in court recently the Judge looked at bm and said, " While I understand that you have issues with Mr. Sebbie's new wife, YOU need to understand that SHE(speaking of me) will be acting mother to your son when he is with her, and at some point you might want to put aside your own issues and concentrate on communicating as an adult with Sebbie on what is best for your son. DH, me and my in-laws who were present in court all sat stunned while bm's mouth dropped to the floor.....God How I loved that!!!! Now I know that will neverrrrrrr happen, but boy it felt good to hear that judge say that to her.
ur dh is to blame too
He and bm need to work out a call frequency schedule such as bm can call every tues thurs sat between 2 and 4 or whatever. And just bc she calls doesn't mean she has to call her back. She can only interfere as much as u let her. I'm sure the pp language says one parent can't interfere w the others frequent and meaningful contact w the other parent but this every day while on summer holiday w u bs doesn't fit in that language. So she needs to get over it. But until dh does something to make her get it she won't. Good luck!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
bellacita....
See, what you said makes sense to me. I just didn't know if we could do this or not. We're afraid that if we ignore most of BM's phone calls, she's going to tell the judge that we wouldn't let her contact her daughter. (Plus, if BM can't get through one night, she'll call the next & the next, etc. She's OBSESSED with making it look like she cares & definitely OBSESSED with trying to ruin our time with SD8.)
There's nothing specific in their divorce agreement about the parent-child contact, other than they have 50/50 custody & neither parent owes the other child support. That's it. I guess 6+ years ago they felt like they could communicate the details. That stopped on BM's behalf when I came into the picture. My husband has tried so hard to work with that woman & she just refuses to be civil. Then she tells everyone that my husband won't communicate with her! Uh, no, BM, you're the problem! So working out a call frequency schedule now is not going to happen. BM will laugh at that idea. Everything now has to be done through court & that's what we're working on now. It sucks, but there's no other way. BM won't work with us at all.
Calling is an issue we have
Calling is an issue we have too. BM calls constantly, everyday when SS is with us. No big deal as long as she also allows my DH to be in contact with SS constantly, which she doesn't. Anyhow, since I've been married, for 2 years now, there have been 3 times when my SS called BM in the middle of the night because he was freaking out about something scary.
The first time SS was 7 when we were watching TV and he mentioned that he had watched this particular show before so I let him watch it. I was about the most poisonous animals and seemed excited about the show. It turns out that SS became super paranoic of spiders as a result of this show but I didn't see him scared when we were watching the show and because he said he had watched it I didn't think much of it. That night, he went to bed as normal and then the next morning BM calls furious at DH because I allowed him to watch this show. It turns out that SS called her in the middle of the night crying and scared.
The second time was because he was afraid of something else and again, SS sneaked out in the middle of the night and called BM. No big deal for these two times although now I cannot even imagine the ways BM is going to use this against DH in court one day.
The last similar incident came about a month ago when my father in law was staying at our house and was using SS room as usual. SS had to sleep in my DD's room. At night after grandpa went to bed, we couldn't find SS pjs. SS, now almost 8, was starting to panic about going to bed without pjs. I told him that it was only for this night and that tomorrow we would find them and that he shouldn't wake up granpa. I went to bed and let DH take his son to bed. At around midnight I hear SS screaming and crying because he didn't have his pjs and he wanted them now. He was on the phone with BM crying, screaming and kicking about wanting his pjs. DH was trying to calm him down but none of them could calm him down.
I stood my SS's room and gave him a stare. He looked at me and stopped the kicking and screaming and said that he could sleep wearing something else but he still wanted to be on the phone with BM. DH agreed and came to our room to get ready to sleep. Surely, as I went back to check on SS he had started again with the crying about wanting his pjs now. I told my husband that what SS was doing was a throwing a tantrum and talking to BM was making it worse. DH told SS to hang up and he did.
The next day I told DH that SS couldn't call BM in order to get something that we couldn't give him and that calling BM only made the situation worse and from now on, no phone calls after bedtime. I delivered this new rule to SS and explained why. As a result, SS has been throwing more tantrums (when he's not around me of course) and has told my DH that he has the right to call BM whenever he feels like it and that there shouldn't be any rules. Now, BM saying that her son is very emotionally disturbed because of this and she's taking him to a therapist.
By the way, she's now getting him a cellphone... I'm assuming is for him to use whenever he wants to.
I know exactly how you feel.
I know exactly how you feel. I was in that situation with both BM interfering with our time and the clothes issue.
When my DH and I were first living together we would get SD EOW. It would be about 10min from the time she got here that her mother was calling or emailing. BM would tell SD that they were going to do these fun things and also how much she missed her already. Well one time it was just too much. BM just got off the phone with SD telling her how her friends were doing this and that if she was home then she could be doing that also. My DH had to go to work and I was going to watch SD that night and then she was going home early the next morning so I told DH that I didn't have a problem dropping SD off at her BM if that is what she wanted. So SD calles her mom and tells her that she can come home. Well this is where it got funny because now BM not expecting this had to back peddle as why she couldn't go to her friends house and other things. Needless to say SD started crying and DH was worried about leaving her. I told him to go that SD could make up her mind what she wanted to do and I would take care of it. SD decided to stay with me for evening. Lets just say it was nice to stick it to BM with that one. I suggest if you ever get the opportunity do this once as she never tried that again and the phone calls started to become less also.
As for the clothes thing I finally had to put my foot down with that as SD was always coming to our house with dirtly ill fitting clothes and I would have to buy her new ones and my DH would let her wear them home. I finally told DH that if he continued to do that, then he would be responsible for going shopping and using his fun money to replace the clothes.
Well fast forward 3 years later and now SD lives with us full time as per her request. Her mother dropped her off with the clothes on her back and some school supplies. We still do that what she comes in is what she goes in because I refuse to let her good clothes go to her mothers. The funny thing is SD has now started doing this, making sure that her good stuff doesn't go with her to her BM. SD bought herself a new pair of sandles that she loves (she saved her money) anyways when she was getting ready to go to BM for the month of July I asked her if she wanted to take the sandles and she said no, she didn't want them to get recked.