Ready to lose it...
My last blog a few weeks ago was about BM interfering during our time with SD8. Well, it's gotten worse. SD8 has been with us for less than 3 weeks & BM has called almost 20 times. If we don't answer, she calls back repeatedly from different phone numbers. It's insane. And when she does talk to SD8, she brags about what they're going to be doing next month when SD8 is with her. On Monday, BM called & SD8 was all excited to tell her about our trip on Sunday to Six Flags. Well, BM would interrupt & SD8 would say, "Oh COOL!". How insecure can a person be?! I guess BM is bragging about the AWESOME present she bought SD8 for her birthday. What a loser.
I had mentioned how BM sent SD8 over here with self-addressed stamped envelopes so SD8 could write her. Well, SD8 has written BM **ONE** letter & that was the day after we picked her up. So it's not exactly top priority for SD8. So yesterday, we received a letter from BM to SD8. Obviously this is to remind SD8 to write letters. Ugh. I'm so tired of it.
And BM has been emailing SD8 also. There is no escaping this woman. And since nothing had been put in writing through the court giving BM boundaries, she's getting away with it. (Once we finally do go to court, this will be taken care of...trust me!) We're afraid of cutting off BM from SD8 during this time because BM will bring it up in court & we're afraid of it making us look bad. And like I said, if we ignore her calls, they only get worse. Constant interruptions from her. I'm ready to lose it because I would like a few days to go by without hearing from this lunatic. She's being annoying on purpose. She would love for my husband to call her on her behavior...she's doing it for that reason, plus because she knows it probably bothers me. She's attention starved.
I'm pregnant & don't need this crap. This woman is acting like a juvenile, trying to outdo us & make SD8 love her more. We're not competing with her...we're just trying to enjoy our time with SD8. That's all we want. And BM is making it almost impossible. She is so insecure & jealous it's not even funny!
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awww that
sucks for the poor girl that she cant even get away from BM just for a little bit. Before I responded, I tried looking at it from BM POV, and honestly, I can't say that I would be calling/mailing my kids 200x a day. I would likely only call once a day just to let them know I loved them. Our BM used to do this as well. Everything was always bigger in better with her, only when the skids got home, she never followed through.
Sia...
I understand looking at it from a BM POV, however, I need to say that BM has NEVER done this before. Two summers ago, SD8 (then 6) was away from BM for a month & BM never called once. No letters, no emails. Nothing. I happened to come across her MySpace page a few months later & she bragged about not having the kids for the month & how she partied every weekend.
Two Christmases ago, BM left SD8 with us for 3 weeks. You guessed it -- no phone calls, letters, emails, nada. And then she tried to weasel out of picking her up when she was scheduled to because she had a date & had to have sex & the kids couldn't be in the house. She told me this. WTF?!
So this calling, writing letters & emails is just a show. BM is dating a "grown-up" boyfriend for once & she's trying to impress him with what a great mother she is. And also, BM is gearing up for court, trying to show that she cares about SD8 so much that they were in contact this entire time. It's all a show. It's not an overprotective BM. In fact, I plan on emailing former SD11's father to see how often BM has been calling & sending letters to her while she's with him. Now if she's doing the same thing to them, I'll know this is all for the boyfriend's benefit. (Because a little birdie told me that BM's boyfriend isn't serious about her & is just using her to "have fun". He has no plans to move in with her or stay in her life. Boyfriend is rather wealthy & BM probably sees dollar signs when she looks at him. A life without having to work, a life of doing nothing but having fun.) And if BM is only doing this to us, then we know it's because of the soon to happen custody battle.
sounds like
our BM.....she did crap like this ALL the time! She would only call when she was dating a guy that actually cared she had kids! I know where you are coming from! I feel your pain. However, please try to remember that BM will move on eventually and find something else to focus her energy on. This won't last forever. The BF will get tired of it eventually and he will move on!
Thanks, Sia!
I appreciate your input! And yes, you're right that BM will eventually move on & focus her energy elsewhere. At least we have August without SD8. So there shouldn't be any reason for BM to call & bug us. If she does, we're just going to turn the ringer off, tell BM to contact my parents in case of emergency & I'll buy a prepaid cell for my parents to call us on. (I've thought this through a while ago!) We've had to do this in the past when BM got out of control with the phone calls for no reason.
First of all
Congrats on the pregnancy:) Second...I hate to say it but this sort of behavior just has to be ignored and taken in stride. I KNOW it's hard and it's going to be especially hard for you because you're pregnant and emotional. BM sounds like a piece of work but maybe it will help to keep reminding yourself that she is just insecure about where she stands with her daughter and they need to work on their bond so BM won't feel so threatened by you. As soon as BM feels secure about her relationship with her daughter, she'll start leaving you guys alone. It's one of those things that grates our nerves but we have no choice but to be patient and let it pass. Focus on your pregnancy and focus on getting your SD motivated to be a big sister...it's a VERY exciting time in everyone's life and it would be a shame to let BM's attention grabbing antics ruin that for you. Just answer when she calls and sound as pleasant and relaxed as humanly possible...don't let her letters to SD irritate you. Just try to be content with the fact that you'll have a stronger relationship with your baby so you never have to be an insecure fool like this BM is with her daughter.
Good luck honey!! Remember...Deep breathing helps and when you feel yourself ready to explode, just remember your baby hears everything you say and feels everything you feel.
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
BBB...
Yes, it is hard! Especially when SD8's attitude does a 180 the minute she gets off the phone with BM. SD8 begins to act like BM, which is what we were hoping to get away from by having her for a full month. It's always 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
BM won't feel secure about her relationship with SD8 until she has full custody & full control of SD8's life. This is due to my husband FINALLY standing up to BM & not letting her walk all over him. See, we have an interesting inside view of this because my husband has been on the other side. He was with BM when she did the exact same things to former SD11's father. He knows what BM will sink to in order to get what she wants. He knows her end goal. She's a control freak & when she doesn't get her way, she finds ways to make her ex miserable. BM moved & took former SD11 away from her father. That poor guy spent over $10,000 on lawyers trying to fight her. He got some of what he wanted, but his daughter still lives half way across the country.
I am trying to not let this crap get to me because when it does, BM is getting what she wants. She wants me to be upset, to cause trouble in our lives. And that's part of what bothers me so much. We don't bother her. We avoid her. Why can't she just leave us alone?! I don't understand anyone who gets their kicks from hurting other people. I just don't.
if she's that evil
my only advice is too document everything. Keep a journal with dates and write what she says,does,etc...in detail. This will serve two purposes. 1.You have documented,dated proof of her nonsense 2.getting it on paper will make you feel better
It's possible she enjoys hurting your family because she screwed up her family...misery&company are in love:) Obviously, you know to only show her the happy,sunshine,rainbows portion of your life and keep all that frustration and anxiety totally hidden from her...she doesn't need that kind of fuel.
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
we keep
that daily documentation of what she says and does and how she acts and how SS acts with her. We going for 50/50 Sept 24 and H and BM and SS in counseling now and BM referes to our documentation as crap and says that her lawyer says it is ridiculous.
I too am pregnant and dealing with the same crap and I want to run away. I am so stressed!
One time a day if that is more than plenty to call her kid. Also the telling what is going on there is insecurity.
oh, she's that evil!
I do document everything. I've started doing this years ago when BM first started getting out of control with her demands. And since we'll be going to court soon, it will probably come in handy.
You're absolutely right that she enjoys hurting us because we're happy & she's not. I'm sure she was livid when she found out that I'm pregnant. But you know what? This is my life, this is her ex-husband's new life, and like it or not, it's also part of her daughter's life. She has to get used to it because I'm not going anywhere. The fact that she goes through men/women so fast has nothing to do with us. That's her life. Yes, it does affect SD8, too, but as long as SD8's not in danger, we don't care what BM does. We don't bother her, we don't pry into her life, we don't ask SD8 questions about her, etc. because we don't want to know. And I think that bothers BM. She actually wants us to be dying to know about her exciting life. And we just don't care. BM is a narcissist, so this kills her.
Try sending an email
To BM and be overly sweet stating how you respect the fact the BM wants to talk to SD8, during DH visitations, and in no way trying to block communication. But ask that she does this once every other day and between these hours, be open with the hours and realistic and ask her to respect the time that SD8 has with DH.
Also note in the same email what she does and been doing list times and numbers she is calling from - and state this is very disrespectful of our time with SD8
Nothing wrong with you trying to set boundarys - the court will see that you are not cutting of communication with SD and BM just asking that she respect your time. It shows that not only are you trying to fix issues without wasting the courts time, but also that you are not cutting communication and listing the times, numbers and the amount of calls, shows she is being a nuisance }:)
libby...
I like your idea! Wish we had thought of that before our month with SD8 started. I won't email BM because after our last blow-up (almost a year ago), I promised BM that I would never email her again & I'm sticking to that promise! It's not worth the aggravation. My husband, however, could email her. }:) Though I'm sure he won't since we're now almost done with "our" month with SD8.
I have written on the calendar every time BM calls, how many times per day, if she spoke with SD8 or not, etc. I noticed SD8 looking at the calendar the other day, so I'm sure she's wondering why I wrote all that down. lol. Good, I hope she tells BM that I'm keeping track of her calls.
Thanks for the idea! If we use it, I'll definitely let you know!
Man this topic comes up on all forums
I just have to say that the accessive phone call thing comes up on all the step family forums I have ever bee on. It is always the BM doing it too never the BD or the SM. It's hardly ever the skid initiating either. Strange...(incert twilight zone music here).
Bm got kindof stupid with the phone for a while and we just changed our number d didn't give it to her for about a month. SInce BM is homeless,carless,jobless and moneyless she can't afford a lawyer so we can do that. We gave it to her and told her it would happen AGAIN but this time she wouldn't get the number if she didn't chill with the phone games.
She would leave hateful texts and voicemails and call fifty times a day all ungodly hours of the morning anfd night. She would get high and drunk and start thinking about how much she hates me for "destroying her family" and start up. Barf. She cheated on hubby so he divorced her. We met many many months later.
I suggest people putting phone etiquette gudlines in their divorce decree's because it seems to be a common problem.
Squeegie- I'd just stop answering the phone if I was you and your DH.
Having a baby does not make you a mother.
crayon...
Yes, it is PAS!!! I completely agree! My husband & I know this. BM has been doing PAS on SD8 for months now (ever since BM decided she wanted SD8 to live with her full-time). BM is suddenly doing things she's never done before, bribing SD8 with cool gifts/trips, promising her everything under the sun, not letting her have time with us without interfering, convincing SD8 that she wants to live with her full-time & only see us every other weekend (when prior to this, SD8 said she wanted things to stay the same), and telling SD8 not to tell us about certain things. She's doing exactly the same things she did to former SD11. And SD8 now acts like former SD11 did the last year she lived with us. It's scary. My husband feels like he's losing his daughter.
document document document
Document everything it can work to your advantage. WE did this and when we went to court, the judge ordered that BM can call once a day while they are with us and only between the hours of 5-7 pm. She can only call once if we do not answer, she is to leave a message and we are to call her back. She didnt like it at first but phone records tell all..
Not calling several times a day
I wanted to clear this up since somewhere on here it was misunderstood. BM only calls several times a day if we don't pick up. If she talks to SD8, she will skip a day or two, then call again. So she's not expecting to talk to SD8 daily, more like every other day or so. But still, if you knew this woman & the fact that in the past she would not see SD8 for a month & not even call once, you'd know something was up. And BM being a jerk & bragging constantly about all the cool stuff they're going to do when she's with her is obnoxious! If she was calling to say hi or I love you, that would be different. But that's not BM's agenda. She wants SD8 to wish her time with us was over so she could be with BM.
Plus, this month was supposed to be OUR time with SD8. BM knows where she is & has no reason to worry (not that she would anyway), so I could see her calling once a week. This would be fine. But next month when BM has SD8 the entire month, we weren't planning on calling, writing or emailing SD8. We view that as SD8's time with BM. I can also guarantee that even if we did call, we'd never be able to reach SD8 (because BM is never home) & that BM would never have SD8 return our calls (she probably wouldn't even tell her that we called).
I thought that each parent was supposed to be allowed time to bond with their children. Why is BM allowed to "bond" with SD8 on OUR time? When is it our time to bond with SD8? We never seen to get that time without BM interfering.