If his BM and BF are treating him like he's disabled and are "coddling" him, then it's going to be very hard to break him out of that mindset. That may very well be why he's slacking off with chores and school. It's like you said...if they are not letting him take responsibility for anything because he's "special", then what's going to happen when he becomes an adult?

My SS loves to use the "I forgot" excuse. His father has a 5-second memory though, so I think half of it truly is forgotten, but the other half is just using it as an excuse. It's incredibly annoying. Maybe a visual list of chores might resonate more with him than verbally telling him what to do. I know that pictures work well with my SS (he's 6 1/2) and he will actually be more likely to do something if he sees it visually rather than hearing me tell him. I think that is actually a major problem with autistic-spectrum kids. This probably isn't the case with your SS12, but it might be something to consider.

I agree that after 7 years of medication, he definitely should be in counseling as well to learn some coping mechanisms. He's definitely old enough that I would think they'd like to try taking him off the medicine (or at least bringing down the dosages).

As for the medication...yes, that does seem like a lot of medication for a child to take. Risperdol/Risperdone can have side effects and should be closely monitored in children (as any medication should be). But sometimes, if you've exhausted all other options, medication is something to consider that can really change a child's life (and save your family life as well).

My story is a little different. We had to fight to get my SS ON medication. We went through 2 years of behavioral therapy, evaluations, preschools, pediatricians, rewards and/or discipline and unhelpful family. It was constantly, "he's out of control, we can't handle him" from everyone. School, grandparents, his BM. The only people he would calm down for were DH and I, and even then, it was very difficult to take him along to any social setting. Extreme temper tantrums, hitting and kicking people (and himself) when angry, throwing things, inability to sit still, absolute refusal to follow directions no matter what the prize or consequence may be.

Part of it is his upbringing. His BM lets him get away with murder and ENCOURAGES him to "play fight" and "defend himself". He's 6 1/2! She's one of those people who will take a swing at you if you even look at her the wrong way, and she is bound and determined to make him the same way. My DH's family is not exactly helpful either. Just choruses of "Oh, he's just a baby, he doesn't know any better." AUGGGH! No consequences for him whatsoever. Then, when they can't control him, they just tell DH to come get him (BM does this too) because they can't "deal with him".

His pre-K classes went the same way. He'd kick his pregnant teachers in the stomach. He threw his head back once during a tantrum and busted another teacher's nose. He would wallop some other kid with a toy if he didn't get his way. He wouldn't go to time out and would run around making his teachers chase him. He climbed the fence (twice!) in the playground and ran across a field. He has unbelievable anger issues. And it's not just a matter of discipline...DH and I worked with him for almost 2 years. We even tried behavioral therapy for a year with a well-recommended child therapist, and she got to the point she had to stop therapy and referred us to a specialist at Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville because we weren't making progress. We had basically run her out of ideas

He is on Risperdol, and has been for the past year and a half. He takes .25 ml (or the tablet equivalent) each night before bed. He has been diagnosed with ODD and PDD-NOS (a step above Asperger's, I believe, on the autism spectrum). We didn't want to go this route, but we had exhausted all other options, and it was either this or taking a chance that he will never be able to function on his own and he would eventually hurt someone.

The PDD-NOS diagnosis is due to his problems with communication and how he handles social situations. He gets nervous and does the hand-flapping/inappropriate blurting out. He doesn't respond as well to voice commands as he does pictures (PECS). The school system has been amazing in helping him with this. He actually was held back last year due to his problems focusing/aggression/communication and was placed in a special ed Pre-K class.

They were unable to get him to focus, though. I really feel sorry for him in this regard because it sounds like he wants to try to sit still and "be good", but he just can't help it. After the past 2 1/2 years of all of the above, we started him on a small dose of Focalin (I think it's 10mg 1x a day, extended release) in February with amazing results.

Because of all the hard work the school, DH, SS, and myself have put in, (plus the Focalin and Risperdol) he will be going into a standard K class in the fall with only an hour a day of resource help (for helping with social situations and how to cope). Eventually, he will not even need that.

I do hope one day he can go off the Focalin and the Risperdol. I don't like that he takes medication. We will eventually start therapy/counseling again, and we have other tools that we use as well. But I know that he is an extremely bright boy and I believe in my heart that these have improved his life (as well as our family).

So, in closing...back to topic:

If the medication was helping him (if he was showing improvement in school, home, etc.), then I would say that it's not necessarily a bad thing. But if it's not helping (and he's been diagnosed with depression), then he definitely needs counseling. I would think that with all the medications and diagnoses BM is stuffing down his throat, she'd be all for putting him in counseling too.

I have a question for you... Do you think BM has Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome?

My SD suffered from severe depression and was suicidal. I believe she is also a little obsessive compulsive. We took her to therapy and they put her on Lexapro every night to help her depression and Seroquel to help her sleep at night, help her mind stop racing. She also is very much a psychosomatic illness kid. When she has to see her mom, she gets stomach aches and head aches and is exhausted all the time.

The medication has helped calm her down. So has the fact that she now lives with DH and I full time. We are working on her coping skills with a therapist. Eventually, we will be working her medication down as her coping skills improve.

I don't feel I have enough experience to give too much advice here, but I am wondering if you were able to get your ss off some of the meds, or have a guardian ad litem step in so it's not coming from you and DH. See through the courts what is really wrong with this kid and treat that rather than keep coming up with all these different diagnoses and meds. It is frightening and I share your concern that this child is being forced into being "disabled" rather than being truly disabled. Good luck!

Well, try to talk to your DH again, if you can. If this poor kid does not suffer from any of the symptoms while he is with you and then suffers them while he is with BM, that's a real problem! Especially if his grades were doing well, and now are going downhill. The kid could be depressed because he is being forced to be ill, when he is not. Just like smart kids fail when they are too smart for the grade they are in. Does that make sense? I'm not against meds either, and it's great that they helped. But BM is really hurting your SS. Look up Munchausen by Proxy and ask your DH about it. Maybe he will see your way of thinking.

I don't think you can start with a clean slate altogether, but you should be able to get him off some of these meds. Also, my SD has to see a psychologist because her counselor cannot prescribe medication. The psychologist meets with her each time the script is renewed. My DH and I go and meet with him as well once in a while. Maybe, if you can't start clean, maybe you could meet with the psychologist actually prescribing these meds??? It is a psychologist, right, not a general practitioner that BM is taking SS to?

Girl.. I feel for you. I too, am confrontational. It's the only way I know how to move past something. I fight it out... until I'm right, or until I give in!! ha!!! I am getting better about letting some things slide, but I don't ever feel too taken advantage of, so it works for me...

But a General MD Pediatrician? That's INSANE for those kinds of drugs. When we were taking SD, we had to take her first to counselor that suggested the meds... then we had to take her to the GP to follow up, and THEN the psychologist because they are heavy duty drugs!

I wish you could have your way too....