Could BM be right about some things when it comes to DH?
I recently have found myself in a perplexing mindset, I am remembering many of the problems between DH and BM historically, things she has said to he and us, that are sounding far too similar to the things he and I are fighting about now. As I have mentioned in other blogs, we are recently married, have 3 kids between us, and twins on the way. Since finding out about the twins, I have been pulling teeth trying to get him to prioritize me and the babies. He gives BM more money than he is ordered to, significantly more than he contributes to our household, even though we are broke, and she is married to a millionaire. His kids have absolutely everything, too much. Point is, we can no longer afford to pay her extra with twins on the way, yet he is trying to be the "good guy", and doesn't want to stop the extra payments. Aside from that, I am hearing myself saying things to him that I remember BM saying to him early on in our relationship. Things like "Love alone won't put food on the table". And she would always say to him things like, "If you did a 180 with your priorities and career, I would take you back in a second." I never really understood what she meant by that. So, I called DH on it last night, I asked him to try and look at his relationship with her objectively, and see if he saw any parallels between the problems they had and the problems we are having now. He said no. But, I probed. He has always talked about her being money hungry, and she has definitely proven that, but I can't help but think that she may have had some valid complaints. She had two of his kids 11 months apart, and wanted to raise them for a while without having to work. He described this to me, last night, as her wanting a free ride and to do nothing to help pay the bills. I was offended by that! What is wrong with a woman with two babies wanting to stay home with them? He admits he has always been bad with money, but totally blames her for being too greedy. But I wonder, if after 10 years of him throwing away money, and struggling to survive, due to his spending and lack of ambition, if I might not end up similar to her? God, I hope not. But, I am a little worried that our marriage is headed down a similar path. I don't think I have explained this very well, but I hope you get the jist. Thoughts appreciated.
Thanks.
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If you don't..
If you don't want your marriage to end the way his last marriage did, it sounds like it's time for some counseling. It's time to get some help in having him see where his priorities are.. and where they should be. I'm all for doing what is "right" and it's great when that also allows you to be the "good guy" but with money tight and twins on the way, he needs to re-prioritize where any extra funds may be going. A counselor can help you verbalize this to him and help him come to grips with it. It sounds like he's suffering from a lot of guilt over his last relationship, over not providing enough for his kids, or possibly feeling like he's in competition with a millionaire for support and love of his children. All these things can be addressed and worked through with counseling.
Communication is key here.. so counseling or not, you two really need to get on the same page somehow.
GOOD LUCK!
Stepup
3 sides to every story....
I think there is underlying truth to BM's complaints.... I could completely understand and in fact share of the same complaints about DH that she had....
I've always believed that there are 3 sides to every story,
Yours,
Mine,
and the Truth
Usually there is a little truth mixed in on both sides....
"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people ever have is when they take a bite out of you."
AGREED.
This is how we've always explained things to the skids when they got mixed in the middle of the battles between their parents. We tell them there's mom's perspective, there's dad's perspective and the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
I think you are definitely doomed, though, if you start comparing your own marriage to theirs. I think for second marriages to succeed, you have to take them at face value and go from there. You can't second guess yourselves or each other. You can't let input from an ex color your perception of your spouse and create doubt. Some lessons you have to learn the hard way. Some experiences you have to have for yourselves. Believe half of what you see with your own eyes and believe NOTHING of what you hear from others... withhold judgement until you have proof. Judge your spouse by your own yardstick, not by his ex-wife's yardstick. It's a sure thing that some of the things YOU fight about are similar to things THEY fought about... they are probably the same things that get fought about in ALL marriages, by the way.
I tend to think he should pay what he's ordered to pay and not a dime more, but I also see the "male ego" coming into play big-time. That's hard to combat. She's "greedy," but he's the one paying more than he has to... what does that make him? I'm assuming he has two kids with her to support, right? I'd calculate how much he pays for those two kids in CS and "extras" and then show him that he must also contribute that much to your twins together. That's only fair, right?! If he can't do it, then he has a problem. The problem, you would point out, can be solved by him paying her only what is ordered and putting the "extras" towards your own family.
~ Anne ~
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You are exactly right...
Thanks for the great Advice Anne. It is a pretty common argument, I'm sure. As for the contribution to the twins being equal to that of his other two children, no, he is not able to swing that currently. His solution, however, rather than discontinue the overpaying, is to find a better paying job. I am going with this for now, as it would solve the problem as well, and save his EGO as you say. But, if he doesn't find one fairly soon, we will have to revisit the overpaying situation. After all, the twins aren't the only ones he needs to contribute to here, HE costs a lot of money to support as well. And frankly, I can't afford all of these kids and him too, on my salary.
Could it be that inside
He feels a whopping inability to keep up with the millionaire SD monitarily and since he knows he HAS you and the twins and you have him, he feels the need to pay more support just to show enough support? Make sense? Alot of Guys feel that being an adequate provider is equal to spending quality time with their kids. Plus there's the added guilt of maybe not being able to be there when the kids need their dad. So there's millionaire SD to buy them an x-box or whatever.
I used to have a grudge against my Dad for never being around when I was little clear thru HS age, and his view of the matter was, "I paid support all those years, how was I not a good Dad?" uh.. Hello? But that was his way of looking at it. Once I read somewhere that alot of men think that way, I let go of that grudge. Hope this makes sense to you.