It's not the same town as her exactly. There are so many lil towns up there that we'd be about 20 minutes from her home and 15-or so from her town. They border eachother...The school system takes like, 5-6 of these lil towns and they all go to the same school, so everyone knows everyone in the smaller towns.
And you're right. I shouldn't be feeling annoyed or insecure...I guess the whole point I was trying to make was I feel so betrayed... Here I was thinking we were making all the progress, and how things between BM and DH were better than they ever had been (not perfect and never will be, but tolerable!). I was thinking I could start trusting this woman and it's really the polar opposite!
At the risk of sounding juevenile, my feelings were really hurt. She doesn't care what we've been through, how much we sacrafice, all the things WE go w/out so we can make her and SS happy...and all the while she's acting as if WE'RE the ones causing all the problems, and making no effort in regards to SS.
And no, it's not a definate that we'll move up there. Especially after all that. Yes, it would be a huge strain on us, and it would be hard for a while, but the benefits out weigh all other things, I think. But after my experience last night, I wonder if the monetary strain, the distance strain, etc. in addition to all the crap we'll have to put up w/people up there...I dont' know if it's worth it now. Is that terrible? It feels terrible...

I really do. SS says that kids tell him things that he 'knows aren't true' and then clams up when you ask him to elaborate. I never push him if he doesn't want to get into it, but I know he's heard a billion different things between BMs family/friends and the kids at school. He said to me after a few months of us meeting for the first time that I 'was a lot nicer than he thought I'd be'. I asked him what he meant and he just did the clam up thing (which I believe to be his internal fight as to who his alliances are to) and said "I just thought stepmoms were mean..." Who knows, maybe it's a fairy tale mentality, lol.
I just don't think I could live up there w/all of that chaos all the time. I don't know that it would be worth it to get new jobs, move from where we are, uproot are whole lives, basically, to be w/SS. To be able to be with him more often ALMOST makes it seem like everything else doesn't matter, but after the events yesterday, I don't think it's worth it and it f'n infuriates me that SS is going to think that I broke a promise when it's BM!
I try so hard, DH and I both do, and I feel like no matter what we will never win against this woman. And you know what? I don't blame all of the people up there. If I watched the Fire Chiefs daughter grow up, have a baby and knew she was planning to get married, and all of a sudden, she got into a horrendous accident and wasn't able to walk, and suddenly the father wasn't in the picture anymore... regardless of the circumstances, I would def. look down upon the father of the child for not sticking around. Especially since so many details are left out...I just wish I could smack some sense into this woman. She is making it so we cant' be there, look terrible for not being there, and making herself out to be the victum to everyone else! I dont' understand...maybe I'm just too naive...

He's tried to speak w/BM about all the stuff that happened between them and she just blows it off. "I've let go of the past, you should too..." Or she -literally- just gets hysterical. According to DH, she only told her family/friends (by friends, I mean maybe 2...not a social woman) that he broke up w/her after the accident. Nothing about them not being engaged for however long, not about the problems they were having...DH says it was her family (sisters, mostly) that caused all the rumors and stuff.
But you have to think, these people don't care what the story or details are. They're very old fashioned and believe he shouldn't have left. Period. These people believe that because he was w/her for so long and they had a child together, regardless of all the problems they were having, he should have stayed w/her because she was the mother of his child, and because it was his responsibility to take care of her if anything should happen.
And I said "So even though you guys were miserable together, you should have given up on ever finding love/companionship because you had a child w/someone you're not interested in spending the rest of your life with??" And he said "Yea, they really believe that..." I just don't get people like that...
DH even lost his best friend over this...and his friend even knew how controlling and manipulative she was. He was constantly telling him to break up w/her and that he needed to just leav her, etc. Then the accident happened and he completely changed his tune! They haven't spoken for YEARS because of this...and guess what? This guy and BM are really good friends...these people are so f'ed....seriously

I just have so much to talk about, I guess, lol.
And DH knows her mom (SS grandma) knows the real truth, but she doesn't care. They really believe he should have stuck around because it was such a bad accident. *shrug* Each to their own, I s'pose.
We feel like because SS has so many bad habits learned @ BMs house, the only way we're going to have an impact is to be w/him more often. Seeing him only 4 or so days a month doesn't effect his day-to-day life. It just makes him more well behaved at our house. Which is great! But he should be well behaved all the time.
And the more I get to know BMs family (she lives w/her mother and younger sister) I realize that even though she's hard to deal with, they're worse. BM will tell SS 'no' (for a toy, going to a friends house, etc.), and her mom/sister will do just the opposite and let him have/do it because 'it shuts him up'. Or, BM will tell SS he can't ahve something and they will turn around and buy it for him. I'm thinking maybe we should all sit down and discuss it?
I dont' want to over step my boundaries, and I don't want to insult them by making them feel like we hate their 'parenting' abilities, (even though we do...) but SS already has a lot of bad habits, and I don't see it getting any better w/out intervening. Any ideas?

SS is the only male in BMs household and takes his responsibility as 'man of the house' very seriously...and BM would stop at NOTHING to get him to stay w/her. We already see it. When he asks for more time w/us, she guilt trips him, etc. So, maybe some day when he's old enough to recognize what she's doing, but that seems like lightyears away...then again the past 3 years have flown, so I'm sure it'll come quicker than I think.
And our mediator told us the same thing, and she said most likely, there will always be that things going on in both households that the other doesn't agree with, but it's not of our concern as long as the child isn't being abused/neglected...so frustrating!
No, he's not being abused/neglected, but he never finishes anything he starts! Baseball, gymnastics, after school programs, I mean, as soon as this kid is hit w/a challenge, he gives up! That's a nasty habit to have...and no offense to his mom, but she was raised by the same people raising SS and when she was faced w/a challenge (rehabilitation after the accident) as soon as she went out pat, she stopped going, 'cuz it was too hard'. She'd have such a more productive life, but she just gave up. Now I see that same thing happening to SS and it's driving me bonkers...

People wouldn't use tough love if they didn't care, so thank you. And you're right, from an outsiders standpoint, he looks awfully guilty. What had happened was when she told her family he left her @ the hospital, they hated him. And like I said, if I was under the impression that my daughter was engaged and living w/this guy and she got into a bad accident and told me her fiancee was leaving her, I'd hate him too...but they were separated at the time, BM would pick up SS from day care on the way home from work, and DH would get home later at night. Because of the accident, it was easier for DH and BM for the grandparents to take him for the days/nights because DH worked crazy hours.
Because of what she told them, they wouldn't allow him to see SS. He didn't have the $$ to take them to court, and was already loosing friends, etc. left and right over this that he figured if he did take her to court, it would just be more chaos. So he moved to the city and visited when she would let him/when his work schedule allowed it. Needless to say, they both could have done things better. And still could (on both sides!) to date...
And you're absolutely right. I absolutely want to prove we're not terrible people. I don't think DH is a saint, and I don't believe that Bm is completely rotten, I just think there's so much bad blood between them that it's making the whole situation complicated...I feel like that's where I come in. I feel like there's a missing piece and if I just find it...I can fix it. Maybe the answer is moving up there and showing people that we're not evil and all we care about is SS. In talking to DH, he said he doesn't even care what people think, as long as he can be w/his boy...I thought that was awesome.
And you're right, it wasn't fair of me to say that about BM. I'm not her, I didn't go through what she had to, and hopefully I never will. It wasn't fair of me to judge what happened. Sometimes I just get so full of "negative energy", if you will I just start with the 'word vomit'. *sigh*

I just wanted to make clear that DH hadn't just abandoned SS and I was bitching because of the repercussions. I feel bad for the man, but I do try to look at both sides and know he wasn't always in the right. And yes, hindsight is 20/20...
And sometimes just saying something mean/immature is needed to get it out. Maybe it's not warranted, and mabye the other person involved doesn't derserve it, but sometimes it just feels good to bitch, lol.
I wish DH was a little more involved w/SS and his day-to-day stuff, but he's been 'out of the picture' for so long, he almost feels like SS is a stranger to him...we're working on that though.
And I've noticed some pretty steady improvement on both sides (or, all sides, really...) but some days it seems like all the work and stuff just isn't helping and we'll be perpetually in this mess forever. Maybe we will, but I think getting up there would be best. And there are so many towns on SS bus route that I think we could still be there for him and with him, but at the same time, far enough away from the small town antics that if we do come across a problem, we just hold our heads high and take comfort in knowing that despite what others think, we KNOW we're doing the right thing NOW and that's that. The past can't be changed, and I think we all have things that we wish we could 'take back' or 'do over'. *deep breath* God! I feel so much better. It's so nice to have someone/people to talk to.