Ugh, and what's the best way to deal w/this!?
So ss isn't a very social kid. He's perfectly content w/a Harry Potter book, watching MythBusters or playing a video game. He's very advanced in his school-life and gets teasted a lot by other kids. Because of this, he doesn't really get along w/kids his own age, which I understand completely.
Well, recently, within the past 3 months, his mothers' nurse has been having him over to play with her kids, and he's made some good friends over there. He also does summer camp and has been hanging out w/the kids from camp as well. Which is great! I'm so happy for him to have kids his own age to play with, and get in some of those very needed social skills.
As excited as I am for him, recently he has been canceling on a lot of our weekends. Due to our work schedule, we can't 'make up' weekends by having him 2 in a row or something, so we have only been able to see him for 2 full days a month. 
It's not just playing w/his friends, either. His small town is having a 'town celebration day' or something and he wanted to go to that. Then his moms' family was having a get together and go to a movie, and all of these things keep happening on our weekends!
I'm glad he's finally got some friends to play with, or some kind of special thing, and we don't mind sacrificing our time, but I'm wondering what's going on recently. He cries that he misses us and wishes he could spend more time w/us, and now he's not interested at all. I can't tell if it's BM pulling some shite, or if he's just being a 9 yr old during the summer. I just feel like we don't have him for 12 days, and it's not like school is taking up his time now...any ideas? 
- MrsDoom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'm happy too that he's
I'm happy too that he's found a group of friends! That's super!
That being said...friends do not replace parents--not at his age. Since you are NOT asking for every weekend and can only alternate, (that's right, yes?) his social life needs to be worked around the custody order/schedule--not the other way around. If he's not in school, he has all day during the week to be with friends, go to camp, hang out, etc. But his weekends with you are his weekends with you and at 9, he shouldn't be calling the shots. We all want our kids to find their way and be accepted, and clearly you are very supportive of him. You are not wrong to let BM and SS know that the schedule must remain as is barring an extreme circumstance or emergency. No kid is hanging out with his friends 24/7 and SS won't be forgotten about because he's with you and Dad two weekends a month.
Krissy
Should have put my real question in there!
I did the post because I was curious if this sounded like BM is up to something, a kid just being a kid (I don't have any of my own, so I have no experience w/this) and the real issue of, do we (DH and I) mention something to him?
We feel like we shouldn't force him to come over, but at the same time, we'll never get this time back! So, any advise or light shedding, opinions are all *so* welcome...
d'oh
I didn't read your comment, Krissy, until after I posted my 2nd one. And yes, we are unable to do two weekends in a row to make up the time of the lost weekends. We have to wait until our next 'scheduled' one.
And I agree with you about calling the shots @ 9, and DH could certainly say 'no', but he doesn't want to force him to come here. DH feels like he should want to come see us, not 'have to' see DH and I. DH also mentioned to me this past Tues when SS told us he had the town party to go to, that we're good enough until something better comes along...
I know he's a kid, and I'm sure he's just trying to have as much fun as possible during his summer vaca, but I can't help but feel the same way as DH...
I was wondering the same
I was wondering the same thing as vickie ... is it possible for you two to take him to these things he wants to do on your weekends? Have friends over to your place for the weekend, or an overnihgt?
~ Katrina
Dangerous
It might feel like it's "forcing" him to come over, but it's important that he does come over during your scheduled time. This is a dangerous pattern to start with him. When my two youngest SS's want to do things with their friends during our time, they still come over here at the scheduled time and if they are going to a friend's we are the ones to take them, talk to the parents, pick them up, etc. If they ask to spend more than one night away (when we only have them two in a row) we simply tell them no, and that we want to spend some time with them. They are allowed to have friends over instead if they choose, but having him spend time in your (his other) home is very important. He's starting to see you guys as a separate house, not as his "other" home, but just a house he goes to stay at sometimes. That's dangerous. As he gets older he will want more and more time with friends and letting him miss entire weekends with you will lead to him continuing this.
I'm rambling, but see if this makes sense. Kids will almost always choose to spend time with a friend over spending time with a parent. This does not mean they do not enjoy and/or need the time with their parents. They don't know this, nor are they capable to yet. It's the parents' responsibility to spend the time with them, sometimes be the bad guy, and to give the kid what he needs whether he knows/likes it or not.
It may very well be the BM playing a game to an extent also. She needs to not be the one arranging his plans for during your weekend. Next time he calls to ask to skip a weekend for time with a friend, I'd do this: Ask him what he has in mind with his friend. Let's say he wants to go to Billy's house at 7pm and spend the night. If your time (for example) starts at 6pm tell him you'll be there at 6 to pick him up, ask for Billy's parents' phone number. talk to the parents to verify the plans, address, etc. Be the ones to take him there and plan a time to pick him up the next day....
Thank you so much for all the feedback
It's so great to get so much feedback. I dont' really have a whole lot of people to talk to around physically, so it's great to be able to vent and get all kinds of different point of views.
We are arranged for 'next time' that his lil friends can come, too. However, we are over 1.5 hours away and while it's not the farthest distance I've heard parents would have to travel, our cars and wallets wouldn't be able to take the abuse. And since we do all the driving, it would be literally to drive up there an hr and a 1/2, then over to where ever his friend is, then drive home an hr and 1/2, then do it all over again the next day and the next. It's just not feasible...
But I do think we (DH!!) need to put our foot down and tell him no more. I understand special circumstances, but this is getting out of control. And we're not paying 30-some odd percent of DHs paycheck so we can see him MAYBE once a month....