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Therapy: Does it even work??

MrsDoom's picture

So here's what I'm thinking...maybe that DH and BM should go to therapy together? DH is starting to become an angrier person as time goes on with dealing w/BM and their son together...she is far from the easiest/nicest person to deal with while they were together, and even now almost 10 years later.
Now that all the court stuff is panned out, we have SS eow at our home and BM actually hasn't been terrible to deal with. (She's got the $$ and SS is happy...) However, at BM house, there are no rules, no discipline, etc. and they just give into whatever he wants so he'll 'shut up'. This child, while he has a big heart and a wonderful sense of humor, is the most spoiled, selfish, persnickety lil kid I've ever met. He throws temper tantrums at 9 yrs old, has terrible self entitlement issues, and calls himself 'stupid' and an idiot to get people to give him attention. Before us he didn't know how to cut his own meat, tie his shoes, (at 7 1/2 yrs old...) the list goes on and on...
We are working w/him about things in our home, however, BM is not. DH is becoming angrier and angrier when it comes to dealing w/my SS. He says it's because "he's turning into her". Which I can understand, but I think that settling issues from the past, or at least standing up to her w/a neutral 3rd party would help w/letting that stuff go, and communicating about current things like discipline, etc. Any comments??

Comments

evilsm's picture

We had some of those issues too. When Dh & I first got married SD was around the same age as your SS. She had some of the exact same issues, could not cut her own meat, open a can, pour herself a drink, it was sad. Dh also would get angry with her and felt she was "becoming just like BM". I think part of it was just her age and the struggle she felt between the homes. We also have her eow. She has since become a little more independent but some things creap up now and again. DH and I helped SD work on these things here but BM did not. I can't really give you any advice on the therapy because we never did that but I can tell you that once things became a little more stable and SD learned that doing things herself gave her independence she was better about it and the stress between her and Dh subsided. I know this does not answer your question but I though I would share my experience. Good luck with this, its frustrating, I understand.

~Evil

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius

Krissy's picture

EX and BB went to court-ordered co-parenting counseling and it helped immensely. I didn't realize how much until they stopped going...and then the sh*t hit the fan all over again. If your DH and his ex can get there and both are committed to sticking it out until they are ready to communicate and function normally away from the therapist, I'd say it's a great thing.

Good luck!
Krissy

lmdavi0's picture

is how long do they have to go to counseling? until shit hits the fan again? so counseling goes on forever? in my case, dh DOES NOT want to be in the same building as bb, let alone across the table from her multiple times! but, i know bb wants to see dh's handsome face as much as possible...thus my question.

Krissy's picture

Well, like all types of therapy, co-parenting counseling is not supposed to be indefinite. But until enough work has been done to make a permanent change, until one or both parties has begun to reorder his/her thinking and commits to practicing healthier behaviors, it's not advisable to simply quit the counseling. This is what happened in our case. The two of them just stopped going, and while much headway had been made, it wasn't enough to keep it up without the therapy. I liken it to climbing a steep mountain--you can get 3/4 of the way up, but until you reach the top, if you stop you'll slide right back down.

MrsDoomsAlias's picture

I would just like for my DH to be able to let go of some of the issues he has w/BM. They are both guilty of not putting my SS first, and I think that they are always going to play these games and both be miserable when it comes to each other until they get some help. He blames her, she blames him, and the fact of the matter is they are both in the wrong. I think it's going to take a neutral 3rd party to make them aware of this. They are both terrible at communication (strangely, my DH is a wonderful communicator w/me...) when it comes to each other. She -literally!!!- will throw a fit, just like her 9 yr old. Screaming, crying hysterically, the woman gets out of control if something doesn't go her way, which makes communication *very* difficult.
I feel like she uses the lack of communication as a weapon. She doesn't tell us about school events until the day of, she lies about knowing or not knowing about them, didn't tell us that SS was in baseball, or therapy for that matter....am I out of line thinking that the FATHER should know about these things prior to the actual date of?
And is it wrong to want SS to pack his own bag to come over for the weekends at 9 yrs old? I will never understand why they do so much for him, when he's perfectly capable....

Sebbie's picture

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
And doing this so ss finds her home to be the relaxed, fun home, and dad's becomes the structured and strict home..where bm hopes ss will grow to hate going to. The best thing your dh could do right now is get therapy for himself, to learn how to deal with all the crap bm causes..and the anger it causes in him. Then he should look into getting therapy with ss so they can learn to understand each other and ss can learn that the way you and dh run your home is out of love for him and concern for his growth and future. You and dh cannot change the way bm runs her life or ss when he is with her, but you can make life easier for everyone when ss is in your home by continuing to motivate ss and communicate with ss. Therapy may also help ss see that bm,s home is not they way life truly is and help him to start standing up to his mother with a true desire to do things for himself.

MrsDoom's picture

What wonderful advise! I wasn't even thinking of it that way. BM is in a wheelchair and I've always accounted her behavior to keeping him dependent on her so he'll always need her for something. I mean, he takes wonderful care of his mother. Always helping her with things, and doing whatever he can to make her life as easy as possible. The only problem, is that it makes him kind of like her lil drone. All of his loyalties are w/her, and even when she does something wrong, like lie to us right in front of him, he sticks up for her because of her handicapped nature.
Which is extremely frustrating, as she has her family/friends convinced that DH is a terrible man who abdandoned her and SS, when all along it was her not letting him see her. (I was there!) SS thinks that DH was just too busy for him, or not interested, which just drives his loyalties to BM.
I'm afraid that some day, he will find out about her lying, manipulative nature, and well...I dont' even know what will happen. But when I found out that my mother (who was doing the SAME EXACT THING!!) was pulling all this BS, it ruined our relationship.
I love SS, and want him to have a great life, and I feel like nothing I can do will make that happen, because of BM and her BS. Any advice? I feel so helpless...

MrsDoom's picture

I tried talking to him about it and he's not interested. (I put this under another one of my posts, so I'm sorry if it's redundant) I asked him if he thought therapy for himself and/or w/BM would help, and I've never been shot down so quick...he usually lets me finish the sentence, LOL. Seriously though, he said she's always been like this, always will be like this and that things are going better now than they ever have between them including when they were together. Personally, I'd have hated to see her when they were together if this is the best it's ever been...ick.
He said he'd thought of it when they first started the court stuff, to get the past settled and help w/raising a child that was like a stranger to him, but they had court ordered mediation and she lied straight-faced and then didn't follow through w/anything she promised. *sigh*
And he said for himself there's no reason to go. He's always going to hate her for what she did to him and no amount of talking is going to help him w/that. I understand that, but...I dunno...maybe I'll just start going, lol. Anyway, thanks for all the great advise and I will keep you folks posted on the BM drama we have all come to live w/.