How to tell adult children about engagement

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So we have bought a ring and bf is about to ask me to marry me - I have told my younger son(11) because he is with us all the time and I also mentioned to my adult son and parents in text. my bf showed the ring to his adult son in texting but did not include his adult daughters. I found to be strange they are the only ones left in the dark. he mentioned it is because they are girls and he handles them differently which is odd to me. I think all the adult kids should be told the same or given the same respect, etc. I don't think only the daughters need to be sat down and told formally like he wants to do his parents or treated differently just because they are girls. Does anyone else agree? They are 25 and 22. I think he's just afraid what they will say, etc. I had dinner with one of them last weekend and she was very friendly but we've had issues with them in the past not acknowledging me, etc. My boys are super friendly to him now which is great. his older son lives out of town.

how did you tell your adult kiddos?

My DH didn't say anything to

My DH didn't say anything to his kids/skids. He doesn't believe it's anyone's business but ours. ~shrugs~

Oh I can totally relate with

Oh I can totally relate with your post. He is afraid of his daughters, he knows they wont be doing cartwheels. The moment they are told will be the moment they realize that daddys life does not revolve around them. Then the breakdown starts, and then daddy hiding his happiness around them. At least that was my experience, hope your DH is better than that. Getting engaged was so much fun :O Make sure its a happy time and don't let his daughters reactions get to you. This time its about YOU not them.

^^^THIS^^^ Your SO is afraid

^^^THIS^^^

Your SO is afraid of his daughters, and he has made a huge mistake in telling their brother but not them. If brother mentions it to his sibs, there will be hurt feelings and drama - all due to your SO's cowardice.

Please, please take a hard, clear look at this man and his shortcomings as a parent. Most of us are here because we married conflict-avoidant men who are weak parents. We get new members each week who are embroiled in dysfunctional situations with partners who have already failed at previous relationships. We all are suffering for becoming involved with people who are involved in dysfunction.

You feel your SO isn't handling this appropriately, and you're right. Now, are you willing to see squarely how his dysfunctional relationship with his daughters is going to affect you?

You've found StepTalk, a resource that could have saved me years of misery had it existed back when I married into dysfunction. So read, and learn about guilty Disney dads and the SMs who become scapegoat targets for skids' pent up rage.

Please opt for a VERY long engagement with lots of premarital counseling. Your man also needs therapy to work on his own issues before he'll be able to hold up his end of a successful marriage.

yes you both nailed it on the

yes you both nailed it on the head. now we are in a huge argument because of my resistance to want to hang out with them this weekend when no response at all was given to our news. why would I? would you? and it's always I don't make an effort when it's completely and utterly their fault! I don't want to be around people who don't acknowledge me or act like I'm unimportant. my choice. he refuses to see their relationship as dysfunctional and nothing is ever their fault. ever. it's old. yes. their approval is not needed but the loyalty and respect for me when dealing with them is unacceptable. it's like they are 5 and having a hard time accepting it. I have been nothing but nice to them and get blamed for it all. we have been going to counseling. not sure it's having any real affect after all after today. I told him the girls want him to ooh and aww over all their texting pictures and listen to them brag about their daily life but when it comes to him and his personal life they could care less. it's selfish and disrespectful. he will never agree with me. only starts in on me and how everything is my fault. I don't make an effort with his family. ugh

omg he bought the ring. I

omg he bought the ring. I was with him to pick it out.

you are correct - there are some issues with the daughters - always has been. I think most of you have issues here though right or you wouldn't be on here? nice of you to throw stones at me and judge me though. I can see this site is back where it used to be - some making fun of others at their expense and not just kindly giving opinions or advice. wow.

I usually trust his judgment but with his daughters, you are right, he seems to be spineless unless I continue to make it an issue. he text his youngest daughter about it earlier but refused to tell me what she said. don't think he made it out as serious as it is between us. she asked if it was a promise ring or something more and that's it. nothing positive at all. and neither one of them will respond to texts re: me at all which makes me feel unacknowledged again and doesn't seem to bother him. i think it's disrespectful to him. he does treat them like minor children still when they need to grow up. his response at lunch - they WILL always be my little girls. i guess i just don't get it. my father didn't treat his 3 daughters that way at all. we weren't "daddy's girls" but we were just treated as adults as we were. nothing was tiptoed around us ever.

anyway, he made plans with them for Saturday night without even asking me first. i guess i also don't see the reason to hang out with them just because we have made a larger commitment. they never make plans with us on their own. my son does. there is absolutely no effort on their part but he blames me for not getting to know them. i have been around them at his parents and a few other gatherings that were my suggestion about 12-15 times since we've dated. i think i know them by now or at least as good as i will ever.

I think people are just

I think people are just wondering why you are marrying this guy when you fully acknowledge that there are "issues" with his daughters. It won't get better. It will get worse. He's already blaming YOU for the relationship with them. So why do you want to marry him? That puzzles some of us and what we are asking.

I suggest you disengage NOW and not care what the daughters think. He tells them about the engagement however he wants to tell them, and you don't even ASK about their response. He makes plans without asking you? You have an SO issue, not a daughter issue.

Have you spoken with him about how you feel and what you need? Keep the conversation about YOU and what YOU need, not the slights and disrespect others show to you. "Honey, when you make plans for us without even asking me, I feel like my wants and needs don't matter."

no I did ask him about her

no I did ask him about her response. he said she had none. I said she had to have said something. he finally said she asked what the ring meant. now he has made plans for us all to hang out Saturday and I can't say no or I would look bad. hmmmm they never ever ask us to do anything and half the time when we've asked them they are too busy. disengaging would be awesome but he won't allow it on my part. says he can't be with me then if I don't have anything to do with his family. so I guess a fake relationship with them when they are forced to be around me makes him happier.

We eloped. Granted we told

We eloped. Granted we told both families that we were getting married and invited them to Tahoe if they chose to join us ... but.... we eloped none the less.

The Skid (SS-25) was not quite 2yo and was there with us. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.

In marriages with adult Skids... I am of the mind that it is between the couple and adult family members can be told... or not. It makes no difference.

Congratulation on your approaching nuptials.

Can you tell us a bit more

Can you tell us a bit more about the counseling you're currently getting? How long you've been going, what issues you address etc?

It seems difficult for anyone to find a good counsellor these days, especially one familiar with SM and blended family issues. Don't be afraid to try someone new, or to get your own therapist.

Also, you might consider printing out the responses to this post for your SO to read.

These posters are right, and,

These posters are right, and, many of us entered into it thinking we could be one big happy blended family for years; only to be used, abused and excluded. We have great husbands every other way, but protecting us, as a husband should-- when his wife is treated like a non family entity; we do not have. Worst of all, we have accepted we never will have it either. We disengaged to protect ourselves. Sounds like you will have SD's that will have daddeee's permission to control you , as well.

If you are engaged and this is happening; just wait until you are married kind lady. I hate to tell you this, but most of our enmeshed and dysfunctional husbands, (there are a few functional ones around, not many), hid this sickness, often for years into the marriage-- before a bunch of big jealous monsters starting rearing all their ugly heads, all fully supported and defended by the yes daddeee. You are fortunate that you are seeing it now and you can make a choice to live in the chaos and be unhappy, disengage in attempt to create more peace in your life, or leave it altogether for a happier life. If you are unhappy now, the worst is yet to come. Count your blessings he is telling you who he is and what his priorities will be when you are married-now. Trust me, (most), of these men never, ever change.

That ring is nothing when you are miserable; and in this dynamic, the Hope Diamond is not worth the misery many of us have endured.

Why is this an issue? You

Why is this an issue? You don't have to tell any one, or you simply tell them in any way you want, or just show up married, or simply send them invites to the wedding.

This is your life and your decision, no one elses, how SO tells his children is none of your concern, you told your family and that's the end of your responsibilities...

exjuliemccoy - we have went

exjuliemccoy - we have went three times so far - just started a new one last weekend. we are going for premarital counseling. you are right acratopotes, it is nobody's business unless we choose to make it their business - the thing that just upsets me is how unsupportive his girls are to him which affects how he treats me in regards to them. and it does affect me because I don't really want to be around people who treat me with disregard and who are fake to my face when they are nice. I do have a choice for sure though. I shouldn't let it get to me I suppose. it really got to him though also when my boys weren't supportive. I just feel like it's a waste of my time to spend time with his kids who don't even give me a chance. it's never consistent with them. one visit they are nice, the next they shun me. I didn't like my stepmother very much but I was never rude to her. I guess I was brought up differently.

What the hell is this I'm

What the hell is this I'm reading? So...let me get this right. If his daughter plucks out your eye with a rusty salad fork you may not disengage from her? Because he won't be with someone who isn't involved with his family? Whaaa?

So he's basically telling you engage with his kids or he'll dump you. But he's not telling the kids to be decent to you or he'll punish them. So the kids get a free pass to treat you however they want. And you get penalized for backing away when his kids treat you like crap. Sounds reasonable!

He's already given all the power to his kids and you get none. Dag, girl. You better think twice about this one. This sounds nightmarish.

Look, I know you love him and he's the greatest guy, but...he's really not. You don't have to dump him, but maybe don't marry him either. He sounds like he needs a few more years to work out the kinks with his kids. Save yourself!!!!

Surprisingly, I don't blame your SO for telling them in a controlled setting if he doesn't trust how they'll behave. I think that's considerate for everyone involved. A doctor doesn't announce to the whole waiting room that the patient died - the doctor pulls aside the family and gives them privacy to deliver bad news. I also think it's unfair for you to expect the kids to have no reaction or only a reaction you like - they're human. You can't dictate that they be happy for your marriage. This is a new thing for all of them, no matter their ages. Give them time to adjust to the news and settle in. It's fair for you to give them time to adjust and it's fair for you to expect them to eventually adjust and treat you decently.

But again, there are some troubling signs here, particularly with his girls. I'd make this a 10-year engagement.

haha ok - well, he has said

haha ok - well, he has said lately that if when we get together and they are rude, he will not stay or put up with it. so that's good. I guess I got really upset when I found out his daughters didn't have anything to say about it. but it's expected I guess. I've read that some daughters can be nightmares with their father's SO.

well, after i posted this and he read it - I did make it a point to say that if I choose to not be around people who don't acknowledge me or continue to be inconsistent with how they treat me, I will not have anything to do with them. that's my choice and he said ok. I also said last night because now he acts like they don't exist to me, maybe you should ask them point blank if they will ever accept me or treat me consistently fair and kind so I don't have to wait and worry and waste my time.

my boys were the worst for a long time and he continually brings that up. we actually split up for about 5 weeks recently and when we got back together, my boys were better than ever and are very accepting and sweet to him. it's been great. so I guess I only expect the same from them since they are all adults and I believe they should support him in any decision he makes. but you are right. everyone is different. he has told them also though that he respects anyone in their lives so he expects the same in return.

I am conflicted as to what to do. they haven't been awful - just don't acknowledge me - like anything I post on his facebook is ignored, he sent a group text of us painting recently which was ignored and the news he gave them was also not commented on - to me that is rude but he acts like it isn't a big deal. I am a very sensitive person so it just bothers me more than some i guess.

"..like anything I post on

"..like anything I post on his facebook is ignored, he sent a group text of us painting recently which was ignored.."

Facebook is not real life! If they didn't press the *like* button while they were on the toilet it's no real loss. Seriously, my husband goes into the bathroom and spends forever on the pot with Facebook, it's the only time he scrolls. So if he likes something it's simutaneous with him taking a dump. I ditched FB a few years ago and haven't looked back. I'm still in contact w/family and all the important people in my life.

They don't have to like or *accept* you, the only real rule is that they should be polite in your presence. I don't like or accept ss32, he's been a jack@ss to his father and I then acted like a whiny demanding toddler after we got married. If he's in my presence I'll be polite and welcoming but it won't go beyond that brief encounter.

I have no idea. he told his

I have no idea. he told his son so then I told my son. and so on and so on.

well it still hasn't

well it still hasn't happened. yes how do people do that when they pick out a ring together? he can't keep a surprise secret to save his life so makes it difficult. haha he wanted to do it on valentines day but the ring is being sized and there's just been drama since I got upset about treating the daughters differently. in reality and hind sight, guess he knew best. ugh I need to just not give a crap about the daughters and what they think. not sure why that's so hard for me.

We also picked a ring

We also picked a ring together simply because my DH doesn’t have the best taste and I am picky about what I wear. Lol (we didn’t buy it of course, he bought it). I didn’t know when exactly we’d get engaged, DH didn’t tell me where and when so he planned a special spot and moment and a bit of a proposal. He did plan a speech, he likes speeches lol and we took pictures after.

I told DD and he told his

I told DD and he told his DDs. No big deal. They were all a bit surprised when we got engaged because we didn’t date long. But they all knew we are right for each other so they were happy. All kids are independent adults, none is a moocher lol

well he said he talked to his

well he said he talked to his daughter yesterday morning and she said her brother told the oldest daughter who he still hasn't talked to but she told her younger sister that she thought dad was avoiding her. hasn't mentioned it to his parents but thought I should tell my mom who is in the hospital because it would make her happy. she is very ill with cancer. and he said the youngest said that the other two were concerned how she would react. I said why would they be? he said idk because she is sensitive. wtf?! I just don't get it. it's just offensive to me. i try not to care but i do mainly because what do they say? you marry into someone's family. i mean you take their last name, you kind of want to feel accepted and included - am i wrong? she did say she knew he wanted this for a long time though. he wanted to tell his parents but now doesn't care if i put it on fb cause his parents already know because news travels fast in his family. oh-kay.....

"you kind of want to feel

"you kind of want to feel accepted and included - am i wrong?"

It would be nice if you were accepted and included by his entire family, especially his children but there are already signs that that's not going to happen. To survive skid family dynamics you're going to need to go into this marriage with the focus on you and DH's relationship instead of your relationship w/his kids.