Okay....I apologize now, this is going to be long because I have absolutely no one I can vent to about this. Little background. My step-daughter is 22. I have been in her life since she was 1 1/2 and have been with her father since she was 2 1/2. I have carried insurance on her through the years, I have taken her to doctors appointments, eye appointments, dentist appointments. I took her to get on birth control. I was there during her first pregnancy holding her hair, inquiring about every appointment, making sure she had everything they needed and helped hold her legs when she delivered our first grandchild. I have always tried my best to treat just as I would my own children. And until recently my husband has always done well at allowing me to parent her just as I would the boys and by always having my back. We have had ups and downs. I will not get into the issues we had when she was a teenager, she has come a long way and overall she is a good kid. She now has a son of her own, she works hard, she never asks for money, and for the most part is responsible. She lived in Florida from 9-18 with her mother (minus the year or so she was with us during her troubled teen years) and then her and her boyfriend lived in North Caroline for about two years. They moved back in 2016 and soon after she became pregnant. We were thrilled. We love her boyfriend, now fiance. During her pregnancy everything had been great. I did for her just as I would my own. Inquired about appointments, made sure she had what she needed, baby shower, etc. I try not to be that judgmental parent, and only offer opinions and advice when asked. And if it doesn't involve me directly I typically don't care what decisions she makes, because she is a grown adult at this point. I have gained quite a bit of weight the past few years and had been unable to wear my wedding rings. I knew her and her boyfriend had talked about marriage, but believed that because of finances he had not been able to purchase a ring. So about a month before the grandbaby was born, I asked him if he wanted my old wedding set to give to her. I told him that if she decided not to use it, there would be no hard feelings, that I completely understood, but that I would want them back to hold onto for one of the boys one day. He seemed thrilled. I was thrilled. I really felt like her and I had bonded through her pregnancy and since she had moved home and this was something that I really wanted to do for them. I figured if it could save them a little cash then fantastic. Well fast forward months later, our grandson was born in January, and on Father's day the following June my husband mentioned before bed that evening that he never heard from his daughter. Not a call or text to wish him Happy Father's Day. His feelings are easily hurt, so before bed I sent a text...."Did you really not call or text your dad today to say Happy Father's Day." Honestly, I would have done the same thing if it had been one of the boys. The following morning I received her response...."That's nice, don't even bother asking how my day was." And then she proceeded to tell me how bad her day had been. It was early, her response was rude, and I responded with "I'm sorry, was it (her name) Day yesterday? My bad...I thought it was father's day. I was just asking a simple question." Granted, looking back, huge mistake on my part. I should have just ignored her snarky response altogether and said nothing. Needless to say, she exploded, very reminiscent of the teenage years, she immediately blocked me from all social media to prevent me from responding further and then she immediately started texting her father and taking it out on him. It was all how he always chose me over her, etc. When it was all said and done, for the first time in our marriage, my husband refused to allow me to parent her. He did not wanting me speaking with her further, not to apologize for my response or to discuss the issue at all. I was devastated. At first out of anger I asked her boyfriend for the ring back....but after he explained how much it had meant and that he thought we were closer then that, I agreed that I was being rash, that I had given it to him, and that I was sorry and that he should keep it to to give to her. A couple of months later she posted a picture of an engagement ring.....not mine. My first thought was that they sold my set instead of giving it back and I was heart broken and in tears. I wanted to ask about it, but my husband refused to allow me to inquire about it because he felt it would just make the situation worse and start an argument. Ultimately he was scared that if she got upset she would prevent us from seeing the grandbaby. So I relented and never said anything. Then by December we found out that they were moving again, this time back to Florida. The following spring they sold everything, and before leaving she told her dad that she still had my ring and that although she did not plan to use it that she still wanted to keep it. This was literally as my husband was leaving, I was not there, and my husband again not wanting to "rock the boat" said that he didn't give a shit about the ring and told her to keep it. When I found out I was furious. For one, I feel that she deliberately waited until she was leaving to tell him, that she deliberately told him and not me, because she knew that I would ask for it back and he wouldn't. When my husband told me I was shocked, and every time I have tried to bring up that she should give it back, that I wanted to hold it for the boys he gets defensive and upset with me. Says it's not worth the argument. Then I recently find out that my 17 year old son has smoked pot. Not really a huge issue in my book, and I suspected that it was likely my step-daughter that allowed it but had no proof. But my husband again prevented me from asking about it. Later he confirmed that she had admitted to it, but he said nothing to her. He acts like it's no big deal...he said "who would you rather it be?" I said not an adult sister. I let them stay the night with her when she asked because I thought she was a responsible adult. If it had been anyone else he would be furious. But because it was his daughter, to him it's not worth saying something and her blocking him from her and the babies life. Again, he gets defensive and shuts down any conversation related to it. I have also found out that instead of asking us, she keeps talking to her brothers, telling them she wants to fly them to Florida to visit this summer, but that I won't allow it. First of all she is right, I won't. But not because she has even asked. And the fact that she hasn't even spoke to us about it is part of the reason I won't allow it. It seems shady to me. Now I am worried that she will start trying to talk my oldest son into moving down there when he graduates next year....just to be spiteful because she knows it will devastate me. I don't know what to do. This is the first time in all our years together that my husband has made me feel like I am not a part in parenting her. He wants me to continue to do all the things a doting mother does, the praises, the bragging, the gifts, but wants me to shut my mouth if I happen to be displeased with her....because he is afraid that if I piss her off that she will stop talking to him and prevent him from speaking / seeing the grandbaby. And I refuse to play that part. I feel if he wants me to be a parent her then that means the good and bad. These things would never have been an issue with the boys, because I would have addressed it at the time and then we would have moved on. But the more he blocks me and prevents me from being a parent to her, the more resentful I become. At this point I have no desire to speak to her, and don't. We are "friends" on social media, but don't speak or interact. His relationship with her is great, better then when they lived here, as I knew it would be. She has always done well when she lives further away. Because then people miss her, she gets to come home at holidays and everyone dotes on her and then she leaves. She likes being missed. But I dread the day when he wants to go and visit her in Florida. Because I won't want to go and he won't want to go without me even at my encouragement. But I find it hard to play this part he wants me to play now. I refuse to only play "mom" when it's to dote on her and buy her things, but then to step down and keep my mouth shut when she hurts my feelings or does something like let the boys do drugs while in her care. So I continue to push this under the rug because when I try and speak to him about how I feel he gets defensive and I don't want to argue with him about it. So I push down again. But it keeps coming back and each time I get a little more resentful....not just against her, but him too for allowing this to go on. For not allowing me to be a parent after all these years and all the things I have done. So it has been on my mind ALOT the last few days and I want to speak with him but I'm not sure how much good it will do. I want him to let me ask her for my ring back and I want to speak with her about letting my oldest son spoke pot in her care and why that bothers me. I feel that by not doing so it doesn't allow me any closure and the resentment will only grow and so will the distance between us. I don't know what to do. Should I just eat crow....and forget the ring? Is it worth it? If I had found out my son had smoked pot with a friend I wouldn't be near as upset as I am knowing that it was with his adult sister that I trusted. I am so confused.

chapstick_junkie