Father's Day - if you are not disengaged, where do you draw the line on holidays you are willing to disappear?
So if your SO is taking his Dad to lunch for Father's Day and his daughters may or may not show up I guess but he won't know until the last minute (same thing happened last year while he sat alone) depending on how they are feeling like treating Dad on that day, do you disappear and not attend or would you expect to be involved with the parents when you get along well with them? I mean where is the line drawn? They get Father's Day and what other designated day when you are supposed to not exist and be a couple? I get it - let them have their day. But why not them have all every holiday, etc.? It's like visitation with dad as an adult. It's so messed up and wrong. I don't even want to be around them honestly - but I don't want to be told when and where I can't show up to functions either if others are around too i want to visit with. You know? I made plans with my family that day but suggested we do both together. I mean we are a couple. That's what couples do. Spend family times together. Funny how on Mother's Day he said he didn't want to go alone and he really wanted me along. Now it's you can go your way and I can go mine. hmmmm
Do you disappear on Father's Day if you are not disengaged? Just a poll. Bringing up the subject yesterday was HELL. Especially when he mentioned the darlings probably wouldn't be around either because of the fallout after graduation and playing the silent game with YSD and ignoring the treatment of the OSD and him mentioning she doesn't want anyone mad at her and so probably won't be around. wow. just wow. But I guess just in case......... he has to be "on call" to be a Dad to these lovable humans he created. Amazing to me how everyone kisses the throne of the baby brat. Sickening really and truly sad. They have created the monster and not don't know what to do with her except continue being threatened and abused by her. Anyway, what do you do on this glorious holiday?
I'm confused.
I'm confused.
I have been wondering the same
My DH spent mothers day with me and my bios, but I really dont want to spend fathers day with the skids...mostly because they love to make me feel uncomfortable, and they do that so well!
Does your DH want you there on fathers day? You mentioned he said you can go seperate ways on that day. Was that his hint for you to stay away? If it was, I wouldnt go. Why be somewhere you arent wanted?
what he said was "i haven't
what he said was "i haven't even thought about it yet or even knew it was coming up." his family doesn't plan anything until a few days before usually. so i said well i'm making plans (cause i have a ton of step brothers) and i want you to go with me but i'm assuming i won't be invited to yours if your kids are around. We could go to mine for lunch and take your parents to dinner so we could be together." He just said i want to take my dad to lunch. basically i don't care to go with you in case my daughters decide to be nice and celebrate me. he wasn't in on the plan of doing both either when usually he wants me always present with his parents and him with my family. haha i could tell he was flustered and doesn't know what to do. must be difficult to have such punishing kids and even more difficult not being able to make them take responsiblity for their actions. he also said my kids used to not want him around either when we started dating and his kids found out and were pissed about it. lol that's his excuse fast forward three years. whatever. so what? they punish him too now? makes no sense.
but yes you are right, if SDs show up, then he wants to make them comfortable. i told him he can't pick and choose when he wants to be a couple with me. and that's what bothers me. he saw the SDs caused drama at YSD's graduation so obviously and understandably, he wants to avoid it again because it's causing him stress. but he has to be tougher and stick it out for anything to change. he doesn't seem to be able to. he told me he has kids too and i should want him to have a relationship with them. wow. yes, because the way they act is my fault. geez. he always says let them make their choice. i guess father's day gives them a free pass to get away with it. and he tells me to be consistent with my kids. hahaha
yes you are right - i don't want to be around them at all but make concrete plans with me - not exclude me in case the brats show up. ugh i don't care if he hangs out with them alone - i really don't. but don't just wait around for them to play nice. he could make plans with me too and pencil them in if they choose to come around. it's not hard in my opinion. stop tiptoeing around them!
I get what you are saying
Basically put any plans on hold incase the disgruntled skids want to play "happy fathers day". Not fair to you in so many ways. Its his choice to be treated like crap, there is nothing you can do. If I were you I would go ahead make plans with your family . Let DH ride this out alone.
Next time he needs you for a family function you can say "sorry honey I wont be going you made it clear on fathers day we arent family" Let him suffer the consequenses. Give what you get...maybe this isnt long lasting relationship advice but it sounds like your DH is being a jerk.
Exactly!!! I just get so mad
Exactly!!! I just get so mad at being blamed for not wanting to be around them when they are the ones who are hateful and rude. That is what is old! His daughter has said that i haven't act interested in them in the past (she also complained when we met i didn't hug her right or with enough feeling) when i am the one being ignored. hypocritical much? ugh there is no winning or no clean slate. i have tried.
Not understanding the
Not understanding the question here.....
Do you avoid Father's day if not disengaged??
are you expected to disappear
are you expected to disappear and not be a couple on that day? if plans involve other family members too?
Disengaged means different
Disengaged means different things to different people. Sounds like your skids don't want you around? Or are you choosing not to be around them?
Make your plans with whatever father-type people you want to celebrate (your stepbrothers, your own father, even your FIL, whatever) and let DH make his own plans.
He's a jerk to sit around waiting for his kids and not making plans because they might call, but let him be a wimpy jerk and plan a good day for yourself.
So your SO doesn't want you
So your SO doesn't want you around if his kids are aroound? Am I understanding that correctly?
If that was the case with my DH, and I was expected to disappear just in case his spawn showed up and didn't want me around, he would not be my DH by the time the next father's day rolled around.
Only because he knows one of
Only because he knows one of them is hateful towards me and i complain about her. The other one apparently has to follow her sister's lead in certain situations. sad. he has changed his tune today. he probably remembers last year and how he was sitting alone. ugh
No No No....
Hope I understand correctly. You are supposed to leave your home in case one of them that doesn't like you shows up. Hmmm Absolutely no. He is able to meet them someplace else or at their homes.
Fathers Day Is His Day
DH can do what he pleases as long I am not expected to participate with skids, pick up the bill for the adult skids dinner with their Dad, or have them in our house. But, we have no bios together so it makes it less complicated I think for us.
These rules, by the way, work for us in almost every situation...
How many years to you expect
How many years to you expect to have left with your father?
I think you are testing your SO to see what he's going to do. We women are expert testers; I get it.
Go see your father. You do not share children with your SO and you are not happy with the kids he did father. Don't expect him to go with you because he will want to see if he hears from his kids at all. They might be creeps but they are still his kids. And he very well may be spending lunch with just his father and then go home alone, but that's his issue, not yours.
And just because he wants to hear from or see his kids that day, it doesn't mean that you stopped existing or that you are not a couple. Trust me, his kids are always aware that you exist.
But if you really really want to go to lunch with SO and his father, you should do that, but I sure would not pick my SO's father and the father of spoiled brats over my own.
My father died 17 years ago
My father died 17 years ago (so weird to say that - doesn't seem like that long) so this is my step-father but we love him like our own. Me and my sister, especially since my mom died last year. Anyway, that's besides the point. I am not cancelling my plans with my family at all. Now he tells me we can take his dad to dinner saturday night and he can come with me to my family's house sunday. ugh What i suggested all along but maybe not in those words exactly at the beginning. ha I told him he can stick around for his kids if he wants but I just didn't like the backup plan he had for me. He said it would look odd for us not to be together with his parents and my family. He said i caught him at a bad time at work and the way I brought it up was putting words in his mouth. Uh, I doubt that. I think he just doesn't want to upset the princesses anymore. Whatever. I will go regardless to be with my Step-Dad. thank you guys for your input. it's so unfortunate these family dynamics exist.
Disengaged with dss
Since dss shows no remorse for recent horrid behavior (and the previous 10 years of disrespect), I have not seen him for 5 months, and plan to keep it that way until he shows sincere remorse AND changes his horrid patterns of negative behavior. Therefore, I told DH that he could have the ENTIRE DAY open for his son. Afterall, his son can never make any plans until the last minute. I won't keep dh from his son, but I refuse to participate in ANY activity with him for my personal well being. We may be getting divorced over this because dh asked me for a divorce tonight. :( Divorce rates are higher for "blended" families than first marriages.
I’d say since you two aren’t
I’d say since you two aren’t married and don’t cohabitate, it’s perfectly fine to do your own thing during holidays. DH isn’t your father. Isn’t a stepfather to your children. Isn’t a father to your stepkuds as they aren’t really your stepkids plus you and his kids don’t have a relationship. I’d do my own thing with my family and not spend 5 minutes thinking what he does with his kids on his holiday.
Do your own thing and maybe he’ll finally come through and be a good partner but until then I’d not plan my life around him.
Every time you attend events with his family you end up miserable. So stop. You don’t have to attend family gatherings with people you date. It’s perfectly fine not to. Especially if it causes drama every time
Since the Skid(s) are
Since the Skid(s) are assholes I would go and make it about celebrating FD with DH and FIL, or better yet, your own father. If the Skids step up,... great.... if not.... fuck-em.