Can you get your wife to post her version?

What is your daughter's reaction to your wife ? Does she seem to like her, respect her?

It does sound as if there is a bit more to the story whether your daughter or your wife will tell you. It probably started before the New Years party. It sounds more as if there is a lot of built up resentment and frustration on your wife's part which needs to be addressed or put away. (Course some people have a more difficult time "letting go" of their anger.) It's probably also about you, how you parent this daughter or how you didn't parent this daughter early on.

I think you are a good father to help your daughter out a bit now and then especially since it sounds as if she is doing her part.

Of course I hear my mother's voice in the back of my head: "Wives come and go, but your children are forever."

This sounds so much like my experience when I first married DH. For one thing, DH was not quite honest about his financial situation which created unnecessary trust issues. I supported him for years while he paid for SD to go to an expensive college. SD treated me like crap from the first day of our marriage, being a sweetie pie in front of Daddy, totally obnoxious and mean when Daddy was out of the room. So DH would not believe me when I related what SD had done.

After SD graduated from college, DH continued to send money to her bank account even though she was making quite a bit more than he was. As a result, DH did not save much of a nest egg for his later years - which is now. If some emergency came up for him I would have to either bale him out or end the marriage.

I am providing you what is probably your wife's side, and I give to you some advice from personal experience:

Ask your wife for specifics. Fully listen to what she has to say and give her credit for telling the truth. Do not tell her she is over-reacting or imagining things or that she must be the 'adult'. Present a united presence to your daughter. Tell your daughter that you expect her to respect your wife. Then be a parent to your daughter, one that gives her the greatest gift a parent can give - responsibility for herself. If you can not afford to save up for a decent retirement, you can not afford to pay for your daughter's college.

There is definitely some work to do on the team aspect of your marriage. However, taking your OP at face value and assuming that there is not any notable other extenuating events that have poisoned the relationship between your bride and your eldest daughter then it is time for the fairness and balance discussion with your wife. All the kids must be treated fairly and equitably. If the agreement is that she supports her and you support yours then she needs clarity that she gets no opinion on you sending your eldest some money occasionally.

If she can't be reasonable about how she addressed the topic of your eldest then it is probably time to bare the brides ass on her double standard. Do it directly. "If you expect me to not support my college aged children then I want all support for yours stopped immediately too. We can't have this both ways."

See if that brings her some clarity and to the discussion table.

Good luck.

You will need it.

Are you using your money or wife's money when you help out your daughter? Are you paying 50%of the household bills.

If you're using your money and you aren't living off od your wife, then she's out of line to bitch about you giving your kid money.

It took many years for my DH to realize that his "wonderful, beautiful, perfect" daughter was not that same person to me or to any of her siblings. In front of him, she was a respectful young lady. When he was not home, she was the opposite. She was, and is, the queen of passive aggressive behavior and that is hard to see unless you are the recipient of it. Your DD may or may not be like this but be open to the possibility.

One thing that can hurt your relationship with your wife is to try to play the mediator. Were you unhappy with your daughter for the party? Did you make it clear to both your wife and your DH that this behavior was inappropiate and will not be tolerated? When my adult sd spent the deductible money for the car she smashed on a new cell phone, my dh put his arm around her and said "it will be okay". I was livid and it was really at dh for NOT blowing a fuse at dh. If your wife sees you giving special treatment or considerations for dd then it will be hard to get past this event.

First, sit down with your wife and ask her what the real issue is with your daughter. You might need councling to get to the core of it. Maybe your wife is insecure in your relationship. Maybe she really resents the fact that you are broke. Maybe she did not realize that while her kids are forever, yours are not going away just because they are technically adults. Maybe she sees you as treating sd better than you do her. Maybe she sees the money you are giving sd as money that should be going into the household.

Second, negotiate who gets to spend money on what. If you talk about it ahead of time, she can see her own double standards. You both should have some say in what is spent on all the kids. If she does not want any money spent on kids after they turn 21, then that should apply to her kids when they reach that age. Said out loud and she might be able to see that she will want to give her kids money and that stopping you today will essentially stop her in the future.

You wrote that you have only been married a year and 1/2. If your wife had the money before you got married she should have a right do as she pleases with it. The easiest way to avoid financial disagreements is to keep your personal accounts separate, then contribute equal amounts into a house fund. That way your wife can pay for what she wants and you can pay for what you want. But remember to save for your retirement so you are not placing a burden on your wife when you retire.

neild, first of all thank you for posing your question. at least you are willing to look for answers.

i agree with some of the comments here. it appears that you are apologizing for your daughters behavior which you know was wrong. a wild late party with a young woman just able to drink alcohol with her friends would test any wifes nerves.

i heard nothing about the daughter apologizing. she feels no remorse for what she did.

the bad thing is that if you ask daughter to apologize now, she will regard your wife as the bitch who is asking for the apology. you will be seen as a weak man who gave in to his wife. this will not give the impression you want in being a united front with your wife.

there is a phenomenon known as "disney dad" in which a man's guilt over divorce causes him to avoid discipline. this appears to be the case and you took the fall for your daughter. she is an adult. in any case all children need boundaries about correct behavior regardless of age.

i agree that there is more here than what was caused by the loud party. resentment from your wife appears to be built of many incidents and issues.

for a women who is always put behind your daughter, seeing her four times is still too much. are you aware of how you treat your wife when your daughter is around? maybe that you dont see the daughter too often, you go cow eyes all over her and let her do what she wants and making your wife feel second place.

remember to put your wife first in all things. ALL THINGS. she is your spouse and lifemate. do not make the mistake either of making them both equal by saying you love them both. yes, you do love them but your daughter is not your wifes equal. she is your child and not a spouse.

otherwise you will eventually lose your wife...and her income.

if your wife hates your adult woman daughter and is a reasonable person their must be a good reason. if your wife married you in spite of you being poorer that shows a lot of love. you should repay that love by giving her the respect she deserves and putting her before your adult daughter woman.