Thanks. I have thought about seeing someone because it would be unfair to put more stress on my SO. There are so many things I just want to say to her about how I feel but however I say it it'll just manifest as more pressure, anxiety, guilt or maybe even a full blown argument.

I don't want to end up like a brick wall where SO and kids are talking at me but the person who was once listening is now unresponsive and cold. I'm sure we have all felt like that at times.

We are both stressed, so we are both aware of the pressure each are under. But it always boils down to "you gotta do what you gotta do". She (well, both of us) would love for me to not have to deal with any of this, for BD to step in more, because I can tell there's a lot of guilt on her part about the dependence on me. But the alternative (i.e. me stepping back) is beyond mere upheaval. I think she would have a breakdown and it will have been triggered by me. To put it into perspective, if I decided I wanted no responsibility for the kids, this is what would happen...

- SO would lose her job and her only source of income.
- I can't afford rent in our current place on my own, so we would have to move, likely to a smaller place (our place is already just about big enough for 3 kids) in a cheaper area which means...
- SO would have to get kids into new schools - this isn't always possible.
- Kids would be taken out of school yet again. For a child with Autism, this is traumatic.

This is basically what would happen, if I said I didn't want any responsibility for the kids. "Not my kids, not my responsibility" may be a nice reminder to us steps, but in the real world it can have severe consequences.

Please see my above reply. Is there a caring person on this earth who could just leave and still sleep at night?

"Does she often tell you how much she needs you around, that she can't do this without you? If she does, do you realize that is not your role and responsibility in this life?"

She has told me numerous times, yes. She depends on me to the point of keeping her job and a roof over her and her kids' heads (she pays half the rent, but couldn't afford a big enough place on her own, especially with no job).

I do realise her kids are not my responsibility. But there are many things in life that aren't our responsibility, yet we feel an obligation to do what we can to keep the people we help from suffering more than necessary. I am still trying to find the moral balance in all this.

Thanks, this is indeed very similar to our situation. But I am giving her what she needs right now, which is above and beyond my actual responsibility. There is no problem with me taking on an authoritative role (which I would rather not have to do, but sometimes I'm the only adult in the house). But while you offered this as a solution to your ex, to me it is just more of what I don't want. I don't need more power, I just need less dependence so I can offer my help more freely out of my own initiative.

I can guarantee my SO doesn't feel I don't care. I show I care every day by picking the kids up from school and offering them support in many different ways. She has told be she is grateful. But it's not really gratitude I want - it's less responsibility and dependence. Even if it was a gradual move towards less dependence, that would make things so much easier, but I can't see it happening for a long time.

This is a very considerate reply, thank you. I am an introvert, no doubt about it. The kids know it as well. I appreciate their little signs of respect like knocking on the bedroom door before entering and just generally being polite (towards me at least - they still scream at each other). None of my anxieties are because of the kids personally.

Thing is, it could really work for me if SO could just get into a position where she did not have to depend on me where their father has failed.

One of the first things SO said to me was that her kids come first. I completely accepted that. I actually like the idea of not having her all to myself, if that makes sense. But when things go wrong, there is this immense pressure for me to pick up the pieces in ways their BD should be.

I guess I'm starting to realise that a lot of my anger is directed towards the, for the most part absent BD. One weekend every fortnight he has them and no help in between. How the hell does he sleep at night?

You just need to be clear on what help you are willing to offer from the outset.

Think long and hard about what you want your role to be in all this. How much time you want to give. How much money you want to give (because where there's kids, there's spendin' to be done). It means so much more when there is no dependence on you to offer ANY of it, but you offer it freely and purely out of good will, rather than through the pressure of guilt and necessity. The former breeds contentment. The latter breeds resentment.

For example, I find cooking for the kids satisfying and pleasurable. No problem with that. But I will not, repeat NOT, give up my weekends to babysit. When mum can't do it, dad or a babysitter (who gets paid for their time) can. You are not here for the parent's convenience.

If your anxiety is through the roof just from a meal one day a week, then I would take that as a big warning sign.