SS17 is the MAN of the House
Background...I love DH, and DH can fix or build darn near anything, he is funny and caring, he is remolding a old house for us right now and we are doing it all ourselves. Sounds like a big strong man - except when it comes to his kids (SS17 and SS21) Lucky for me SS21 is now out of the house. But I get to deal with SS17 - he walks all over DH and me. He gets to do what he wants when he wants - he TELLS us what he is doing and rarely asks. He knows he has chores to do weekly (Chores include cleaning HIS room - HIS bathroom and vacuuming - it used to include making sure the kitchen sink was clean clear of dishes but that doesn't happen) He sometimes does his chores. He did get a job this summer - working for Grandma, and when he isn't working he SLEEPS ALL DAY. He is just lazy and disrespectful, he lies about everything -even stupid stuff. He is currently not at home - he "ran away" this week. DH did nothing to try and find him. NOTHING!! "He will call when he is ready" AHHHHHHHH My DH knows nothing about being a parent - I have parented these kids for almost 14 years. I have been the one to discipline them, teach them, love them. DH is there but on the sideline. He loves them he just doesn't know HOW to be a parent. (His parents are HORRIBLE). Still no excuse.
Anyway - I tried to talk with him - advise him that SS17 is still 17 he doesn't get to make his own decisions - DAD gets to make decisions for him until he turns 18. I repeated that like 10 times. "Yeah but I can't make him come home" then call the freaking cops!! You are the boss NOT him! I am so frustrated. The main issue SS17 doesn't want to DO anything around the house - or follow our rules, and he does not like me right now. Whatever - he is NOT the freaking boss! I told DH that I would move out until SS17 graduated - unless he had a better idea - that was a few days ago. After a couple of days I asked him if he came up with anything else. He just parroted everything that I had said! Really? SO no new ideas?? Just going to let me move out? How about the fact that we have several family members that all live within a few miles of us? Why don't we ask one of them if he can live with them for awhile? Why not send him to BM for awhile? No? First thing out of his mouth - wife move out? I am so frustrated - I didn't realize I married such a pansy ass when it came it his kids!! I even told him you realize SS17 is the man of the house. It took everything I had to not add "not you". I was very good and did not add - "Now grow a set of balls and go get our son and make him come home!!"
I have had so many people ask "why are you still married to him" Because he is not a bad guy just a bad parent. We have had our ups and downs - and most of them have been because of the kids. SS17 graduates (hopefully) next June, unfortunately he also doesn't turn 18 until right before graduation. I believe marriage is for better or worse - and I just have to wait until SS17 is out of the house. Once SS21 left things got a lot better. I can only imagine how much better they will be once SS17 is gone.
SOrry for the long post!
Simple. Your DH loves his son
Simple. Your DH loves his son more than you. He loves being the cool parent more than parenting his own child. He really doesn't care whether you stay or go.
Hard words to read but true. Have you lost all respect for the guy? I have. He may be a terrific man and so amazing but he allows a 17 yr old to run the show because, frankly, he cannot be bothered to be a man.
I see from your profile that
I see from your profile that you've been a member of this site for a long time. Maybe it's time to let go of the rope regarding your DH's nonparenting?
I too have a husband that can't/won't parent. I wasted a lot of good years picking up his slack, trying to promote a Happy Family dynamic, and stressing over issues relating to his kids. HIS kids, as in NOT MINE.
If SS17 is your DH's youngest, then it's pretty obvious that your DH isn't going to change. He's had fourteen years to do it, right? The guy is who he is. So stop caring more about his shitty brat than he does, and try working on accepting what is. Acceptance has been my saving grace. Accept what you can't change (your DH and his son) and focus on yourself and what would give you peace (packing up all the skid's belongings & putting it out on the street).
Don't think about your spouse. Don't think about SS17. Don't think about what others might say. Just do what needs to be done. The skid obviously has somewhere else to stay, so do what your DH can't and take back your home.
Oh girl, we're the wonder
Oh girl, we're the wonder twins, living the same life, except I have an SD19. DH can't be bothered to parent her! I so badly want to start my life over before it's too late!
Have you read my posts? Go to Teenagers and find the blog that Sally started called "WTF is Moon" last week. I called the police on SD19 and DH is still being a Disney Dad! Oh and they don't leave at 18, either!
~ Moon
That is one thing my DSO
That is one thing my DSO doesn't believe in...you turn 18 and if you aren't in school doing well, then make your own way.
I think that's the only reason I've stayed bc I know DSO won't coddle them after adulthood.
I see it differently I guess
I see it differently I guess but I think at seventeen if he ran away that must mean he moved out. He might be one of those people who learn through hard knocks. In some states at 17 if the child moved out to live somewhere else they can be considered an emancipated minor. SS17 made his bed let him lay in it. Let him learn what it's like really being an adult there's not much you really can do...
Exactly! OP seems to be
Exactly! OP seems to be wringing her hands & trying to force her DH to be the parent he's never going to be. Instead, she should be moving forward with taking her home back. Kid has left & dad doesn't care? Fine. Make it official by packing up skid stuff and repurposing the space. I'm guessing skid has a cell phone? send him a text telling him to collect his stuff, and move on.
Ok...time to take a break.
Ok...time to take a break. IMHO...you need to let go a little. This is DH's kid. Let him handle it. BUUUT...there need to be rules in place. Oh...and stop worrying about the boys room. Unless he is leaving food in there, just shut the door.
Sit DH down and let him know that he is responsible for SS and all to do with him. SS's chores are to be done on Saturday, if they are not done, then DH must do them. If the sink is full then DH must do them. Etc.
The cops will not do anything with a 17 year old. And I feel it is unreasonable for you to try and get DH to push his kid off on other people just because the boy is lazy and disrespectful. (like most 17 year olds).
Hang in there. Hopefully you only have a year or so left. And it sounds like you love your DH and your problems are not GIANT at all. Please don't listen to the ones telling you to divorce or leave over this.
Is your DH aware of the fact
Is your DH aware of the fact that because SS is 17 he is still responsible for what the kid gets up to when he's run off? Is he driving around in a car that you pay for or have on your insurance? If the car is in your name, report it stolen.
I agree with almost all of
I agree with almost all of the others. My DSO is the same way.
We tell SMs on here constantly to disengage. That is part of it.
I don't understand the women on here that say you should leave him or they couldn't be with a man like that, but I know exactly how you feel. Take the skid problem away and things are great with the couple. Not all men are good parents, even in intact families.
I always say, I didn't get with DSO for a Daddy, I do have my ground rules about skids and as long as those aren't violated, I don't really care anymore.