Manipulative 17 SS and BM but DH wants to ignore problem!!
Ohh where to start. I have 2 SS (12 and 17) but right now the 17 is causing so much tension in our home that I feel like I am drowning. I have been married to DH for 6 years and dated him for 3 years prior to that. The children have lived with us full time for 5 and half years. And most of that time - they did not see BM at all. (drug issues) when they did see her it was supervised - one day a month for 2 hours. It was this way for 3 years, but for many of the months she would not show up and the children would be sitting there waiting for her. But it was court ordered and we had to show up. She never missed enough to break the court order (there was a stipulation on how many she could miss - and she was just within her limits). Finally last year, DH decides that she has paid her dues and instead of having a judge tell him that he HAD to let the children see the kids outside of supervised visitation he was JUST GOING TO LET HER. Anyone else see where this is going???
Anyway...here I am...the SS "mom" 7 days a week for the past several years. Wiping their tears, taking them to practices, cheering them on the sidelines, checking their homework, "mom" duties. (They started calling me mom...I never asked them to.) And now a year later - after DH gives BM visitation 17 SS says I am not his mom, I have no authority over him, he does not have to listen to anything I have to say. He is extremely disrespectful, rude, and tells his BM that I have smacked him around for years!!
DH advised him that I do have authority in the house and then he got up and walked away. Yeah - that is really going to work for this kid. What about all the lies he is telling his BM?? DH states that he doesn't want to lose his son, so he is not going to address it, because the SS is going to do whatever he wants. And nothing DH says is going to change it, so why address it.
I don't know how long these posts are suppose to be so I will leave this one. But there is so much more. The main point - DH does not feel that talking to his son will change anything because BM and SS are so close now - so why try. I need to let go - and learn that I will now not make any decisions in regards to the SS and have NOTHING to do with their lives. Kind of hard when I have felt they are my kiddos.
I'm sorry this has happened
I'm sorry this has happened to you. It does sound like you know the solution though. SS17 is almost grown and grasping for his independence any way he can. It is easy for them to fall back on the your not really my mom thing. I bet in a few years he will change his tone. I am also sure it's not helping to have his BM chirping her negativity in his ear. You have done your part as his mom and he will be better off for it in the future. He may see it, he may not. There is nothing more you can do. Just go to sleep at night knowing that he had a great childhood because you were there and now that he is grown the rest is on him. I'm sorry that you have to feel this hurt. It is something that I dread in my future. Good luck!
I know that because he is 17
I know that because he is 17 he is trying to strectch for independence - but my biggest problem it seems is my DH babying him. SS 17 doesn't really want his independence he wants DH $$$ and support. BM has no $$, SS says he wants to go live with Mommy dearest, but if he does then why hasn't BM called DH and asked DH for SS to move in with her?? Because right now DH will do anything to keep SS with him!!!! And SS knows it!
DH and I were arguing/having a discussion and he actually said that due to SS's age he is not really responsible for his actions. He is not old enough to know better. It is really our fault for his bad decisions. WHAT??? SS got caught smoking - not really his fault - our fault for not watching his friend's closer. He gets bad grades - not his fault for not turning his assignments - ours for not making sure he turned them IN! We did not raise him right. That is DH excuse for everytime SS makes a mistake NOW. Making excuses for him just started happening. Believe me I have seen screwed up kids and I believe that many times it is the parents fault - but up until a year ago - our kiddos were awesome kids. Good grades, polite, fun loving, yeah they made errors in judgements, but they were grounded when that happened. Not now - ohhh no. Now when the SS shows disrespect or goes against the rules of the house NOTHING - in fact, he is now in Driver's ED, has a new Letterman's Jacket - nice new stereo headphones! ANYTHING he wants!!!!
All because DH doesn't want to lose him to BM, even though if push came to shove ss would not leave because BM has no $$ and lives in a trailer park where he doesn't even have his own room - the room he shares with 2 other kids doesn't even have a door on it.
I feel your pain. My 3 SS's
I feel your pain. My 3 SS's 15, 14, 13 live with my hubby and I full time and always have. I have been in the picture for 8 yrs and I have heard it all. My middle SS can be so rude and disrespectful and my husband does not demand respect for him or me....It is so frustrating because he isnt doing them any favors. I feel like I am also drowning and am constantly weighing the options of staying or leaving... I definetly think that your husband should have consequences and stick to them 17 or not. He is still living in your home and therfore should follow your rules. Being a step mom and having to be the voice of reason gets very frustrating!! I do all the work for these kids every single day and how quickly they will turn on me. It is very hurtful and sad. I feel like I am the only parent in this house that sees the kids for what they really are. My husband always wants to make excuses for them and they should be parenting these kids instead of trying to cover for them.....
I went thru the same....bio
I went thru the same....bio mom left the boys with their fathr at 2 & 4 and pretty much vanished. We started dating, I quickly became the mom, the boys called me mom. Bio mom had gone off, got married, had another baby, had no idea that we had been dating well into a year of our relationship, she was just absent.
I took the boys on as my own and felt they were my sons. No one knew unless we said something that we were a stepfamily. The kids all called each other brother and sister, we were mom and dad.
17 is a magic # as this is when the boys started really giving me a hard way to go. No doubt they were reaching for their independence but they were aggressive, the conflicts were hard, and like you I felt like I was drowning. I went to couseling, I contacted an attorney. By the time the youngest was 19 I knew it was either the boys or me and told my husband that the youngest who was out of control had to go or I would.
During all this the boys started making contact with their mom and who knows what they said, neither were ever very truthful. It was a mess. I was accused of sayng and doing all kinds of things that never happened. Bio mom accused me and my daughters of being liars and told my husband that he had not protected them from me.
They are now 27 & 29, we have no contact. I have no contact with husband's family. Their mother who abandoned them and was irresponsible is now in her glory as she finally got what she wanted.....they hate me, the one that raised them, and she has been put on a pedastal. Done!
I am so sorry. Your
I am so sorry. Your situation is exactly like mine. I am so scared that when these boys are adults that thwy wont want anything to do with me either. I feel trapped and my heart breaks on a daily basis. My SS's can be so mean and hurtful and I dont understand how to deal with the feelings that I have. Same situation with the bio mom. She has 2 other kids that live with her full time and my ss's treat her and her 2 kids like gold. She can do NO WRONG!! She rarely is there for them and seriously acts like a child herself most of the time. The only difference here is that my SS's DO NOT want to live with her becuase thay know how good they have it here. My 2 older SS's dont really go to see her very often anymore but they still feel like she is wonderful. I wish there was an easy answer to all of this but I know that there isnt.... At this point I am trying to decide of staying or going. We have a 5 yo daughter together and I dont know which is worse. I can bear to be away from her even for a day let alone days or nights. Also not being able to protect her is a concern of mine. I love my husband but love really isnt enough in this situation.....