This man has already kicked this young woman out once for being a slob, what makes him think anything would be different this time? The daughter is not only asking to live with Dad, but dragging her boyfriend along and planning on staying quite a while.

Don't strike it up to just being scarred from your previous relationship or undue anxiety. You should read StepDown's blogs of late. Her now ex moved his twenty-six yr old daughter in while she finishes (?) school. It was the nightmare experience from hell for StepDown and totally destroyed her like 9yr relationship. Of course not all adult children would create the same chaos, but being your man has already kicked this daughter out once, I think you're very wise to see 'red flag'.

I wouldn't think just because his daughter and boyfriend don't like where they are currently living is reason enough to allow her to move with her father again. What's changed? What will be different this time? How long will it take for this daughter to break every promise she makes to her about how changed she now compared to the last go-round? I also think you need to look at how this daughter will react (act out?) if she is told 'no' and your 18yr (yes an adult) is living with you and her father in the temporary house and then new home. Yes, the man's daughter will compare your daughter to herself as they are both adult age and only one year apart. If she's told 'no' will she rain doom and gloom down on your new household in an attempt to ruin what new found happiness her father has found?

I'm just tossing some things out for you to really take into consideration and think about. Discussions to have with your SO before any decisions are made.

Just be sure you are OK with tit for tat. Are you alright telling your own kids that at 18 they need to get out of Mommy's house and not come back? If you plan to let your own kids stay past 18, you need to allow your BF/future husbands kids to stay as well. Fair is fair.

Slobs don't change.

You can tell this guy you're damaged by the previous relationship and just can't stand the thought of sharing your home with other adults. But when your kids turn 19 then what?

Conversely do you really need to have things just so? Filth is one thing, not putting pizza boxes in the trash is another.

Tell him you'd like a trial period and what your concerns are. He should invite them into the old home for the trial. They will have their own bath and bed which they alone are responsible for. They need to do some of the chores without reminder and leave public areas such as the kitchen clean and picked up plus whatever your other fears are.

Tell them straight forward that if they act like children and don't clean up the pizza covers and dirty dishes will be in their room when they get back. Beware this could backfire in two ways. First Daddy could find you too picky and decide having you around is a bad idea. Two they might be hard for him to dislodge when university is over.

You need to be sitting down with your partner and laying it all out. If daughter and boyfriend are already living somewhere on their own, what is it about that situation that is making moving back in with dad such an appealing idea? If he had already kicked them out for being messy, thats an indicator of previous stress. Dont get me wrong there are some men out there that do pride on clean, orderly homes but the majority of men are not as easily bothered by mess as women.

With two more adults moving into the household they will need to pay rent, to contribute to their upkeep, bills and food. If you dont charge them rent then you are setting them up to stay with you long term, if they are living rent free whilst studying then they will spend any additional money without thinking about it.

If you have three; 18, 15, 11 and ofcourse you two as a couple, where will daughter and boyfriend be? Is this new house a 5 bedroom?

Once you have a rough idea sorted from your partner you can all sit down; you, partner, daughter and boyfriend and explain it to them.
If you wish to move in with us, these are the terms, if you dont abide you dont stay.
The thing here is the daughter is still in education, so whatever you agree for her you will need to be happy with saying to your 18 year old too so dont forget that.
The complication is that its not just daughter, its daughter and boyfriend, so its enabling an adult child to move back into a parental home with her partner and be a couple under your roof. And again, if you are putting rules in place for one it needs to be for all. So at what age will it be ok for your 18 year old to request the same thing? Where do you draw the line?

Personally I would only feel comfortable with them staying with you for a short time. The last term of college or whatever to give them a bit of a helping hand with saving up for their next move, but that will only work if everything is discussed and agreed on ahead of time.

Personally, I'd let the anxiety go. If this guy is NOT DM like you think he is now, better to find out NOW than 10 years from now...right?? Better to find out the truth before you are tied to him with a marriage license.

A. Do you even know the boyfriend? Don't ever agree to take a stranger into your home. The daughter's eyes are clouded by love and immaturity - you may find the boyfriend is a nightmare who is putting on a nicey nice face for the short term. Been there, done that.

B. Don't move in with him under these circumstances. There are too many moving parts to balance on a spinning stick of uncertainty. Just tell him he's so wonderful and swept you off your feet so well you temporarily lost sight of your life plan and standards. The 18th birthday is an important but arguably arbitrary marker, it's still a working tool for separating adults from dependents. Similarly, a marriage license is an important marker for sorting life partners from daters. Moving into a house is something you do with a life partner, period. There's room to argue, but for you, it's the best working tool we've got.

If he proposes and you marry, you will feel you have a right to say who lives in your home and who doesn't. I can see how in the present circumstances it might feel very difficult to speak up with any conviction. You're not really a life partner yet, you're sort of a guest in his house.

I agree with the others that if you have him agree to keep his daughter and bf out, you must make it crystal clear to your own kids that the same rule applies to them and make them prepared for the world by the same age.

Dream man had kicked her and her bf out of his house because they were so messy

What is the point of kicking someone out if they are allowed to move back in? :?

I don't think the "sorry, your kids can't stay here, but my kids can" goes over well. Regardless of age. I also think building a home with a man you are not married to, and moving your children into this home has disaster written all over it.

Please take a step back. The two of you have not developed a good problem solving base yet. Add the pressures of two sets of stepkids and a big new house and relationship uncertainty and you are not setting yourselves up for success.

My DH wanted to marry me from the first date, nevertheless when he did propose he mentioned me he knew I wouldn't move in without a marriage license. We had never even discussed it, he could just tell from how I live my life. He would have proposed anyway, but he skipped the wishy-washy stuff. It forced him to know in his heart how much he wanted me before he spoke up. We married on our one year anniversary of meeting. The stresses of combining households take a strong commitment and knowing where you stand.

Your guy seems to have a vision of a giant household full of loved ones and dependents and there's nothing wrong with that. His partner just has to have the same vision. On top of that, he has to BE a partner who can communicate with kindness and problem solve and the woman has to as well.

Can you really say you are certain you are the right partner for him at this time? And vice versa? You don't have to break up, just slow down the runaway train. Keep your life plan in sight. Get your relationship toolbox in order before you launch a leaky, creaky ship.