:? :sick:

As if being in a divorced home wasn't confusing enough with its innate blended roles...my SD14 has begun stepping on my toes (sometimes literally) by acting as if she's in charge. It's almost funny except that as a Step Mom you already feel threatened and challenged by the BioMom, so the last thing I want is to compete with my SD14. I try to just swallow my annoyance and anger, but I feel if I don't speak-up that the whole house will be run by her. Some of this is just being a pushy teen like when we are in the car she constantly tries to dominate the radio by either turning it herself to her choice station, turning it down or up after I have obviously just adjusted it, or insisting on a certain song being played from my I-phone. I let a lot of it go, but I did call her out the other day on that. I was switching the station as a song with foul language came on and my hand was literally on the dial when she pushed my hand out of the way to do it herself. I said, "You know that is rude right? My hand was clearly on the dial. Don't be rude." She said sorry and we sat in silence for three songs before I broke the ice again. Stuff like that happens between teens and all Moms..

Now, the part that disturbs me is how she has recently become more pushy about trying to parent her sister who is 7. She will serve her found without asking when I am right there already serving her, take it upon herself to reward her sister with a treat for her behavior while we are out...much like a parent, she will correct her constantly, she makes it seem as if she is the little mother and it feels soooo awkward. It feels even more weird because SD14 is the younger version in looks and mannerisms to her BioMom. I try to never think of her in that way, but it gets creepy when she behaves like she is in charge.

This behavior is coupled with my husband's frustrating reaction in general to SD 14. Our biggest fights are always over SD14. If I say something to SD14 and she is unhappy about it and acts sad or pouty, or cries, then I know I will be in trouble. My husband's mood is controlled by SD14. Many times it all begins when SD14 and I are in the kitchen and she chose the exact time I am trying to make dinner to start making her tea. I let those moments go because I think she wants to be near me and spend time with me but she doesn't know quite how due to her own Mom's awkward neglect in attention. I do my best to be patient and make it fun despite her being under my feet and in the way. Sometimes though she says or does something out of line or unsafe and I'll say so...the other night I had a step-stool in front of the fridge as I was using it to reach the cabinet with glassware and my baking dishes. I retrieved one dish and turned my back to set in on the counter before going for the next item, so I left the stool out in plain sight in front of the fridge. Instead of moving the step-stool or asking for help, my SD 14 pulls the fridge door open which bangs into the stool. I tried to be as nice as possible and said, "Hey, that's rude. You didn't need to bang that door into that stool. I was just using that, so you could wait or ask for help if you need it, but please don't bang up the fridge." She gives me a dark look and starts her pout and I know I will be in for it as my husband will ask me what I did to upset her, then insist that I need to watch my tone and be nicer. I try telling him that I don't know how I could possibly be any nicer other than just let her do whatever she wants without a word. I told him that I can't let certain things go without saying something as we live in a home as a family, so these things need to be said. My husband very rarely gets upset with how I handle SD7 and we agree on her 98% of the time. SD14 is just another story. In general my husband acts as if he is afraid to upset her and that disgusts me because he is normally a very dominant personality, but turns into a bit of a kitten with her. I feel that he is more gentle with SD14 than he is with me. When she lies, he wants to believe her and he gets hurt when I show him she's lying. He makes a joke out of everything with her, but has no problem barking orders at me or SD7. Sometimes he is too harsh with SD7 as it makes me cringe. I have never heard him do that ever to SD14. I do not contradict him, so I remain silent in those times because I don't want to undermine him.

I have tried several times talking to him alone about the treatment difference, which he is finally beginning to aknowledge, but won't discuss with me. His lack of communication makes me feel that it is related to SD14 reminding him of her Mom, which is why I think he doesn't correct her for overstepping her bounds either. Sometimes SD14 corrects me! Two nights ago was the clearest example of the treatment difference that I about lost it. The night before SD 7 refused to eat her veggies, so she went to bed an hour early. No problem. Smooth parenting that was in-sync. The next night, SD14 sights down at the table after talking to her BioMom and I could tell by the look on her face that she was feeling emotional and she might pull something. I just tried to be cheery and have a good meal, but then I saw SD14 not really eating and pushing her food around. I was starting to both panic and feel upset bc I had wanted to have a goodnight. My husband had all smiles when he came home, whispering in my ear how he was looking forward to seeing me later after the kids were asleep in my black nightie. I made a meal that is a big favorite with everyone and SD 14 and I had been playful without any issue, so everything should have gone right. Then, came SD 14's moodiness at dinner. I didn't want to say anything as it would ruin the mood, so I waited for my husband to catch on that SD14 was being moody and not eating. He ignored it. I tried signaling with my eyes and waited and waited, but finally when everyone had finished including SD7, then I finally said that SD14 isn't eating quietly when he came in the kitchen as I was cleaning up. I heard him ask SD14 and she said her throat hurt. BS I thought as it was fine when she was signing and talking earlier. He told her to just skip the main course and eat her small scoop of veggies. I'd had it. This was so soft and not how we treat SD7 when she doesn't eat that I burst back into the dining room and told my husband, "I'm sorry, I love you, but I have to say something. ( I was shaking because I knew i was ruining my night) This isn't fair. She needs to eat or go to bed. She never complained of being ill and was fine until now." My husband agreed and said he needs to more fair and consistent. He told her to clean-up, take out the trash and go to bed. She was sobbing while she did what she was told. I tried telling her I'm not being mean or picking on her, but that she needs to eat just we expect SD 7 to do. She just brushed me of, then went to bed. I apologized to my husband and he started getting moody. He didn't want to do anything but go to bed. I reminded him that when we put SD7 to bed early he was fine and we played a game with SD 14 that night with lots of laughs. I convinced him it was unfair to act upset and not play with SD 7. After we put SD 7 to bed, he of course wasn't in the mood for sex and barely spoke to me. I absolutely know that I ruined my night by speaking up. It is actually really disturbing me and I think my husband's moods being dependt on the happiness of SD 14 are going to cause really bad problems.