Is this Giving up or Growth?
I go for long periods where I feel like this life is good, just hard. Then, something happens that upsets me to the core and makes me want to just scream "I GIVE UP!" , then pack my bags and forget him and his daughters. Yet, I don't. I just feel that I'm going to be held at arm's length by everyone and assumed to be secretly evil bc surely a stepmom couldn't genuinely love her stepdaughters and want a loving family...nope that's crazy. (sarcasm) Everyone was secretly supporting SD 14 when she started rebelling against despite having an excellent relationship with me for the 3 years prior to hitting the terrible teens. Everyone seemed to forget all about that. Nobody could fathom that perhaps it is just SD 14 being a teen girl. The problems she and I encounter are NORMAL! Bio moms and daughters argue over messy rooms, inappropriate dress, chores, homework ect. It is maddening. It is also not her fault. It is totally her Bio Mom, Grandma (paternal), and her Dad. They have failed to see the manipulation and instead hold grudges against me for making SD 14 unhappy. This belief has created so much trouble with her Dad and I that I have backed away from parenting SD 14 almost completely. I just take it and only say something to him for him to enforce. Example...wet clothes left in the washer=I just move them to the dryer myself rather than ask her to do it; a sink full of dirty dishes left for me after SD 14 experiments with cooking=I just do them myself; shoes left on the carpet= I just move them ect.
Basically, I say nothing and just take it, take it take it. I feel that I am not getting a family but rather working two full-time jobs 1. My career 2. Being a maid and babysitter with zero authority
I feel taken advantage of in every way. I am tired, but I stay up to workout, then shower, then watch a show with my husband, then have sex with me having to put a lot into and perform. I make lunches. I do laundry. I clean. I cook. I give schedule reminders. I gently remind him on taking care of finances and the cars. This just sucks. Why did I sign-up for this??? I can't talk to him because he is defensive and blames me.
I am sooooo looking forward to my four day business trip. I can't wait. I am thinking of trying for more business travel and looking for a job that requires regular business travel because I am tired of being a voiceless, brainless doormat at home.
I wanted a family. I wanted an amazing, fun, intelligent, appreciative husband that loves kids who I can talk to like my best friend. It's the appreciation that is lacking big time in terms of daily treatment. He does a great job with celebrations, but daily life is drudgery. I also failed to see the communication as so one sided until now. It's when he has a problem and it all about him.
I am making more friends at work than ever before. I making great strides and progress in my career because I am able to feel a sense of accomplishment. I am backing away from the family thing because I get ridiculous complaints:
"The house is so clean it feels like a museum. " (SD 14)
"You are not their mother, so move out of the way and let me spend more time with my girls." (bio Mom)Yet, she tells us she does not have time to take SD 14 dress shopping herself.
"Of course you'd find something wrong." (I simply asked if he helped with the Jello making as one of the crystal pitchers used was in a "No Kids" cabinet. )
"You didn't let the girls keep all their things when you moved. You bought them all new bedroom furniture and they couldn't paint their rooms." (Paternal Grandma)
Screw them all. If I were the Bio Mom I doubt that I would treated this way. All these complaints and chip on the shoulder attitudes, yet nobody has a problem leaving me to watch and care for the girls when it's inconvenient for Mom and Dad. Nobody steps up to take over the laundry or dishes. Let's just give Stepmom all the work but zero authority. Like it's not my name on the deed too.
I'm more angry than I thought. I don't know what to do. I just want someone else to take care of the house and kids and I can go live my life with dates between my husband and I. That sounds perfect to me.
Ouch. No wonder you're upset
Ouch. No wonder you're upset and angry. I would be too. Are you just looking to vent though (totally understandable!) or are you looking for ideas on how to make things better? If it's just a vent, then I'm so sorry your DH is putting you through this! You deserve better!
^^^^ THIS. You're doing WAY
^^^^ THIS. You're doing WAY to much, and they're taking advantage. No wonder you're angry - I'd be pissed off the walls! (Is that even an expression!?!? lol!)
Seriously - enjoy your trip away - treat yourself - and seriously look into taking on more business trips. It's for your own sanity!
You are lucky sd is a
You are lucky sd is a teenager. Not much longer and it's off to college. I have at least a decade before there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Wow. That is a lot of anger
Wow. That is a lot of anger and resentment. So really, what do you do? You stop. Just Stop.
You sound pissed about the staying up, watching tv with DH and then the sex. So stop. Go workout, take your shower and go the hell to bed.
SD leaves dishes in the sink? Leave 'em. Tell DH to do them. Wet laundry? Put it in a basket and put it back after you're done. Shoes? Sure pick them up and put them on her bed. But seriously. Stop making lunches. Stop giving reminders. Stop cooking for them. Stop doing their laundry.
You are being taken advantage of. Growing isn't looking for more business travel. It's telling the pack of users you live with to start pulling their own weight. It's telling DH to step up and deal with his kids. Stop speaking to BM at all. Tell whoever to stop talking to you about her. Who cares what she thinks or says. SD doesn't like how you do things? Too bad. She can keep her own house that she pays for however she likes.
Growing in this situation is standing up for yourself. And that's not giving up either.
I would stop doing their
I would stop doing their laundry. I quit when the skids were teenagers. Since they wouldn't do it, my DH started doing it for them and folded it for them.
RE: laundry being left in the washer, take it out and place on top or in basket, but do not put back in. Although, I have on a few occasions, after their clothes have that musty smell, fluffed it and then put in basket in their room. They would put it on and then smell it, hehe. I know, passive aggressive.
I think you have to feed them dinner, but then they have to clean up, if they don't then leave it there.
IF they want to pack a lunch, they can pack. My SD starting packing her own lunch in high school (because I never packed enough for her, she likes to eat).
I like a clean house, so if skids left their stuff out, I would throw it in their rooms. If they left their books on the kitchen table, I would stick them in front of DH's spot for him to move. If it was still left there I would throw them in one room and they had to sort out. I mean, how would I know....
If they would open something and leave a cap, cup, wrapper out, I would gather and put in DH's area where he works.
After awhile, DH would say, "What are you trying to prove?" I wouldn't say anything, "I get it, they are slobs, so I have to clean up after them?" My response would be "I should?" We had this conversations over and over, since he never did anything I don't think he ever "got it."
Any btw, there is no reprieve when they leave for college, they come back for weekends and breaks.
My new motto "NOT MY KID, NOT
My new motto "NOT MY KID, NOT MY PROBLEM" thanks guys!!!!
Been in this situation too. zero authority but they come to you for all the drudgery F that!!! I only do my own laundry and the linens of the house period. they are not handicapped correct?? let them deal it is not your problem. A new found respect will develop from your hubby as soon as you cease doing all the stuff they should be doing. In your defense, developing self reliant habits is a healthy needed skill for them all to gain. good luck
You feel happy at work bc you
You feel happy at work bc you are appreciated for what you do. Work shouldn't be the place that makes you happy, coming home after a hard day of work should.
You could find someone that would make you feel all the things you aren't right now and unless you speak up, you will never feel 'happy'