Your Dh needs to talk to her doctor and find out what treatment options are available. He also needs to talk to her and find out what is going on and why. The doctor will be able to give you treatment centers to help her.

I'm not sure where to direct you for the much needed help here but I will share what I learned. I have a eating disorder myself and it started when I was 6 years old. From what you said about the mouth wash, she is making herself puke. I started starving myself because I wanted to feel some control in my life. My step dad was very hard on me and yelled at me all the time. My mom started nagging me to eat and I felt a sense of control somewhere. That is when it became a problem.

As for getting over eating disorders, there is no such thing IMHO. To this day I deal with it and the urge to starve myself when I become upset. Does your SD know why she is going through this? She might be focusing on controlling her weight but what about her other issues? You can help by finding information and share that with your SO. I'm sure that you will get some helpful links with other reply's.

Do not cram food down her throat, that will make it worse. If it becomes bad enough they will tube feed her in the hospital. Here is what helps me: healthy snacks sitting out, avoid drama, setting and achieving goals such as weighing enough to be able to donate blood, and having little things to look forward too. If your SD is always preoccupied with her other bio parent for say, that will trigger her eating disorder. Finding and avoiding triggers is a huge step. If you are a trigger for her, maybe back off if possible but help her mother find useful information and be supportive. It takes patience working with a family but add a eating disorder, it can be a nightmare if there is no direction.

She is super lucky to have you for you seem to have your heart in the right spot.

When sd13 was institutionalized, she told the doctors she was bulimic. True or not I don't know, but the treatment would have been the same, hospitalization, especially at that low weight. A previous posting made an excellent point, get her help now, before she is 18, and he loses any authority to do so.

There are no unwounded kids in a divorce and this one took a grenade.

Daddy moves to his own apartment. Without being at fault your presence triggered the problem and by leaving she may return to normal. Kick him out if necessary. You must have the courage to put your wants aside while this is sorted out.

Eventually the childs brain will mature enough and she'll get her own life, marry etc., and Daddy can move on with his. Meanwhile you can continue to date him on the sly (from her) and probably even put in a weekender while the kid is at Moms's. But for now you've got to get out of this kids life. This is too serious to worry about "caving in" or otherwise worrying about who "won" or who is in control.

You see first Daddy left her, then another female captured his attention. The next obvious step is Daddy is gone never to return. Daddy needs to make it clear that is not going to happen and nobody can mouth the words that will convince her. Only actions count now.

Do you have what it takes?

Believe me your leaving your SO would not fix the SD's eating disorder. Neither of you are the cause of it. Nor can you cure it. She needs professional help.

I have a friend who is an internationally recognized specialist in eating disorders. She really does know her stuff. She's been working with this for many decades and was a pioneer in this area.

Divorce does not cause an eating disorder. If it did there would be way more skinny emaciated skids. The majority of patients in an eating disorder program are from intact homes.

Quite often there is an underlying emotional disorder. A friend's daughter went to literally a couple of dozen residential programs. Her real problem - bipolar.

She must get help. It is highly unlikely that she will "mature" out of it. I met a 40 year woman whose mother was anorexic.

My SD started this when she was younger too. In her case, her BM (a vomiter/laxative user herself to control her weight) started chipping away at SD when she was about 10-11 years old (just around pre-puberty) telling her she's too fat and needs to diet and exercise, taking her to the doctor to get her on a diet (Dr. refused because SD wasn't overweight at all). Telling her she had too big of boobs and boys will think she's a whore (she was a normal size girl for her age and height, not heavy at all and not busty). And insisting she wear makeup and dress up before she was allowed to go anywhere with them (the works-foundation, blush, shadow, mascara). And she has been addicted to the tanning beds since then too. Because she has to have a perfect tan. This was back in the 90's when big make-up, tanning and hair were in, so SD went around looking like a leathery hooker, not like a young girl.

SD would eat, then go throw up in the bathroom trashcan. It was obvious she did, we could see it and hear her. When we'd try to talk to her about it, she'd stand there and lie, completely denying she did it. We tried to talk to her mother about it but BM would lie and deny it too. DH wanted to get her counseling, BM told him to mind his own business and refused. I think she abused laxatives too, because she's always worried about being regular and likes to fast/take purges.

It was sick, BM was the kind of predatory, bitchy woman that always tried to compete with her daughter, trying to dress like her and coming on to any boyfriends SD had. Or any men at all for that matter. And trying to destroy her self-esteem by always criticizing her looks/weight/clothes. To this day, SD (now 41 years old) has weird food rituals and refuses to eat because she doesn't want to gain weight (fat people are so ugly). She will sit there and pick at her food and critcize it, saying it's nasty badly prepared food and she can't eat it. She doesn't invite people over for dinner even tho she says she does (we've never been invited and we've been married for 33 years-yet she swears that she has). She's a pathological liar about it. She doesn't want to have kids because it makes you fat. She doesn't eat much food, she drinks and smokes instead. She had breast implants because first BM told her she was too busty, then she was told she was too small. I don't know what her new husband eats or if he's realized what she does. Super thin women with huge boobs are desirable in this culture, so maybe he doesn't care. Her teeth look bad too, I think the vomit acid ruins their teeth. My SD41's BM is dead now, but she messed SD41 up so bad, it's hard to be around her. SD41 is a vile human being. Now SD41 is the kind of predatory, pretty, ultra-thin woman who tears down other women and comes on to their husbands/boyfriends. Having affairs with married men amuses her. I wonder how long her new marriage will last.

This is a problem and a Doctor's care is needed. Nobody should waste their time blaming anybody else, just get her to treatment as soon as you can. Society promotes an unhealthy body image for girls. We all need to be careful what messages we send to young girls about their appearances. If they have a tendancy towards obsessive/compulsive behavior, comments about weight and appearance can trigger this disorder, especially if they are trying to cope with a unhappy homelife. Being bi-polar or having an underlying mental illness can too.

Good luck and don't beat yourself up-just get her help.

If you suspect your SD of having bipolar, I have been told that it shows up in a MRI scan. I'm currently trying to learn about this matter more and people with bipolar seem to be at higher risk of developing an eating disorder.

I have been hurt by people emotionally, physically, and sexually. Yea that has been hard to deal with at times but honestly, its my thought process that is the hardest thing to live with. So your SD may or may not been hurt by another but that does not mean she does not have another condition going on. I spent most of my life only thinking that I had an eating disorder to learning that there may be bipolar in my family. Also been told that it does not run in families.

I'm sharing this with you in hopes of you, your SO, and SD looking into seeking help and not blame yourselves or others. I'm sure things feel out of hand for you all and she is taking it out on her body and seeking a sense of control in her life. This all is just my opinion of course!

I don't believe treatment facilities are in ones best interest until they are ready to face it head on. Many will disagree with that statement and I could be wrong for all I know. How does your SD feel about seeking treatment? I think it would be great if your SD goes in for the MRI scan while she is a minor and has health coverage.

Good luck with the upcoming appointments.

You should convince her father to step in and take her to a doctor, the sooner she gets help the less problems she will have recovering. Meanwhile try to encourage her healthy eating, try to make her see that she is ruining her health. She might not realize it now, but neglecting her eating habit can damage her health on the long term.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to see her harm herself like this, but the surest way to help her is to take her to a doctor. She has clear self esteem issues, perhaps someone in the business of helping people like her could help.

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