Why is disengaging so hard .......
Forums:
Hello there lovely ladies
Why is disengaging so hard??? :?
I end up feeling like a first class *itch - feel racked with guilt and feel like i am the one suffering 
I am tired, weary and totally fed up with this crap !!!!!
Thank you all kindly xxxxx
Well first off...your name
Well first off...your name scares me and hope you aren't serious about that. I have an adult SD so its pretty easy for me to disengage but what I would suggest to do is to find things that interest you. You take a spinning class, yoga, pilates, start painting, read a great book, etc. You keep yourself busy and not make your DH and SK's priority. They need something....tell them to go ask your dad. They have something to tell you....oh thats great and excuse yourself to the other room. I just basically keep it to small talk whenever I have to see my SD which is very little. This whole issue can consume you and you can't let it, theres too many other things to be happy about, you just have to find it or to be sooo busy you dont have time to care.
You can disengage in a kindly
You can disengage in a kindly manner. Where I used to live the kids in the neighborhood loved to come in my house. I enjoyed them and they loved to play with my dog.
But if one of them asked for anything I sent them home to ask their parent. Kindly. It wasn't my job to feed them - not that I would have minded as I liked these kids but their parent's wishes trumped mine.
Women especially can find it
Women especially can find it hard because they feel the need to nurture. Stop that.
Read the recommended book and this: http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
A million kids are growing up today without your help and will turn out just fine. Leave your steps alone.
My problem was never that I
My problem was never that I wanted to nurture skid. My problem was always that I wanted to choke my DH for being such a pushover and for letting his kid run all over him. Before I disengaged, I corrected DH more than skid because it was just freaking ridiculous.
I agree with omg. Please pm
I agree with omg. Please pm anyone on this site- we are here for you.
Keep right on venting here.
Read stepmonster.
Please seek counseling for yourself if necessary and try to find someone who is experienced with stepfamilies.
I know exactly how you feel.
I know exactly how you feel. I think, for me, it is because my SD probably would like a close relationship with me. She isn't an evil kid..but I am not her mom and I simply cannot fulfill that role for her. I am not emotionally disengaged, but my husband is 100% responsible for her and everything that she does or asks for except for the rare occasion that we have a weekend off together and take turns sleeping in..or if he asks me to pick up SD from daycare (rare.) I care for her, feed her, etc on these occasions ..but I do not bond with her or do activities with her anymore...I don't know why. I think that a lot of the things that happened in her life before i knew her have shaped her into the type of person that I would normally not associate with, and, while she is young, people are who they are..I feel like such a bitch all the time.
I thought I was the only 1
I thought I was the only 1 who didn't want really anything to do with the child if it is my mans kid I feel like since he told me that it has nothing to do with me now before he gets a DNA test afterwards I don't want it to have anything to do with me if the child is he is but I don't want to tell him that because I feel like a total bitch! I feel like if I do get involved he's going to say that when you make a decision I don't like that it has nothing to do with me and I want to avoid that
Hi everyone - Sorry for
Hi everyone -
Sorry for delay in my response and thank you for all your comments.
I think you are all truly amazing and special people - it takes someone very special to put up with all step family issues and be a 'step' mum to someone else's spoilt/ entitled and in some cases damaged children of divorce.
I don't think i am cut out to do it - it makes me so tired, sad and i feel like a nothing in this turmoil.
Thanks again xxx
Please do find some hobbies
Please do find some hobbies that make you happy. Disengaging will change a lot of SMs attitudes tremendously in a very short period of time....as long as you aren't married to one of those types of fathers who feel their wife is supposed to be a "replacement mom" for his child(ren).