Who doesn't want to be a parent figure?
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This is for the steps who don't have kids of their own and aren't planning on it. I have read some accounts of people saying that their own step parents are more of a "cool aunt/uncle" type than a mother or father figure. I have no desire to ever be a mother figure to anyone, including SD. I think that it's possible, but I fear bringing it up to anyone who isn't in this situation because I don't think that they'd understand where I'm coming from. Has anyone else had a similar experience?
Forgive me if this sounds
Forgive me if this sounds offensive, but I simply cannot understand why a person who has never wanted kids would date/marry a person with children. Unless it's a situation where they are states away and have limited contact, or kids are grown and out on their own.
Not saying dating/marrying a man with kids obligates you to be a mother figure, but if you don't want kids, why get into a relationship where they exist?
It doesn't sound offensive,
It doesn't sound offensive, and it's the sentiment that's gotten from a lot of different places. I was sort of looking for a more constructive and open-minded opinion on the matter other than this one, though I can understand why this one exists, certainly, and I totally get why this question would come up.
Basically, I just don't like kids, and she isn't going to be a kid forever, and long after she is no longer a child, he and I will still be together. I'm just riding out the tougher time to get to enjoy the rewards of being with him on our own later in life.
Yeah that makes sense. I
Yeah that makes sense. I understand the "waiting it out" thing. I don't have any biokids of my own, but I've always wanted them. Living with kids, even if they're not your own, is a complete lifestyle change.
I guess to answer your question, you don't HAVE to be a mother figure to his kids. If he's okay with you being mostly disengaged and doesn't expect you to be involved beyond a babysitter/cool aunt role, then go for it. Communication about boundaries and expectations would be absolutely vital.
Step-parenting is a struggle, even when you're not fully engaged in a parental-type role. Constructive or not, that's the truth. It's not about being open-minded or not, it's about being honest. In THEORY, anything is possible. The women on this board have volumes of stories about how miserable it is to be stepmother.
Best of luck to you!
Yeah, he and I have discussed
Yeah, he and I have discussed it, and he understands exactly what role I want to play, and when those boundaries are overstepped, I definitely am not shy about explaining how things went wrong. I guess I'm pretty lucky that way.
I can absolutely see the struggle of being a step, even without a mother figure being attached to it. Because really, as long as he has this kid and she's not able to take care of herself, she's his problem. And to an extent, at least emotionally, his problems are my problems, so I do have to be there for him emotionally, and that does change a lot of things.
Best of luck to you, too, and I hope that you get your biokids that you've always wanted.
I'm not against other people having or wanting kids at all. I like it when other people are fulfilled, no matter if it's something that I agree with or not, as long as it doesn't hurt other people. 
Thanks! How old are his kids
Thanks!
How old are his kids now?
He's got one kid, SD6.
He's got one kid, SD6. Honestly, she's a really well behaved kid, so I really don't mind hanging out and being part of family activities as long as I also get my personal time, which I do. I just don't want to be considered a parent, mainly, because that was never my vision for my life. I don't mind being a caregiver. I just don't want to be a ~PARENT~, you know?
Yup I think I get it. I
Yup I think I get it.
I personally think it's easier with younger skids (based on my own experience versus what other people have dealt with). My skids are 4 and 6; pretty easy going, normal kids.
Granted, I understand that what's ahead of me is unclear and not guaranteed to be so simple .. teen years scare the living shit out of me .. but for right now it's not so bad
Oh, yeah, I'm sure that
Oh, yeah, I'm sure that that's going to be super fun. On the bright side, I can wash my hands of that business, that's for SO and BM to deal with.
I don't have kids and don't
I don't have kids and don't ever want kids. That is my choice. Not that of others. I had no idea how much time, money and effort is put into PART TIME parenting. My SO has his kids EOWE and he really, really played down how often that was. He said "it's only 4 days a month" and never once mentioned the long weekends, summer holidays, Christmas holidays, Spring break holidays.... etc.
I was naive. I know his kids won't be kids forever and I really loved SO, so I didn't think about it or do any research to see how anything would be affected.
BIG MISTAKE!!! When his kids came to stay, he either kept them at his place which was sooo tiny that he was sharing a bed with one of the kids so there was literally no room for me there and when his kids came to my place to sleep over, it wasn't very kid friendly. So we moved in together after dating for 8 months and me having very little experience being around his kids into a bigger house.
Well that's where shit hit the fan!!! I found out just how often EOWE is when you dispise the kids!!! ALL of his holiday time is taken up with his kids staying with us and a majority of his money goes to CS.
I didn't know. I had no idea. I knew I didn't want kids of my own, but I didn't know I didn't want to be around other peoples kids like I do now!!!
Oh, girl, I am right there
Oh, girl, I am right there with you on that. Summer/Christmas hols are the worst. I am so lucky that at least I am not expected to be around all the time for every activity. I'm also lucky that the cosleeping stopped when I moved in. I also made sure that his house, which was once a haven for SD's shit all over the place, got some order, and now SD's stuff stays in her room! You just have to take control of the situation once you have an influence on it.
wayinovermyhead, You took the
wayinovermyhead, You took the words right out of my mouth! Lol! We have SD every other week for the full week though but the way you described it is perfect! A freakin nightmare!
"I'm armed with Xanax and
"I'm armed with Xanax and Moscato" is the best thing that I have ever read on this board.
I have my own kids. I am a
I have my own kids. I am a parental figure to them.
I am the Aunt figure to SS. He has a mom and dad. I am not one of them.
See, this is the approach
See, this is the approach that I'm talking about.
I see the Cool Adult Figure
I see the Cool Adult Figure as a good thing. In a perfect world, there would be mutual respect and fondness even.
I'm an adult in the house to
I'm an adult in the house to SD12. Not a 'mother figure'. Hell no.
DH knows enough that he doesn't even leave her alone with me to step out quickly... she goes wherever he goes as if I don't exist in the vicinity. Perfect situation.
That said, I have come to hate EOW... with a passion. He drops everything on his weekends with her since he only has 4 days a month, so 'chores' get done on MY weekends.
I used to only accept social invitations for the weekends we didn't have her, but now, i go myself and he stays home with her. We don't need to build a 'family'. She has her 'daaaaaadddddyyyyyyyyy' with me not around and everyone is happier. I can't be around the attention seeking behavior and her ddaaaaaaddddyyyyyyy sees how annoying she is if he is with her solo for 2 days.
I didn't plan to fall in love with someone with a child. In fact, I dated someone with a son and hated it. Told myself- never again! lol... now I married the love of my life and he has a kid who is a huge challenge. The good of DH outweighs the bad of SD
i have 2 kids of my own, one
i have 2 kids of my own, one of them being sd's half brother, but i still do not and never have had any desire to be a mother figure to her. she wants me to be motherly only in ways that she gets pleasure from, such as spending my money on her. when it comes to actually being parental (setting boundaries, making rules, implementing consequences for bad behavior) she wanted nothing to do with it. bitch can't have it both ways! i just had rules for MY home that i expected her to follow, i didn't give her any parental rules. she wants me to be all mommy-ish to her right now because she's pregnant and wants my "help". life's a bitch, kid. you don't get to shit on someone for 7 years and then get "help" from them and have them think of you as if you were their own.
I live separatedly from my
I live separatedly from my BF, so I'm more of a cool adult to my BF's kids....and I don't plan on it changing anytime soon or ever. I found this the absolute easiest way for me to go about "stepparenting." I will take being the gummi-bear, lollipop-toting Mary Poppins Disney mom over a strict disciplining mom that they will eventually hate. I don't want the headache, responsibility, or stress of even rearing my own kid (which I don't have and never will) let alone someone else's. HE can deal with the fussing, the headaches, disrespect and disobedience. Not my kid, not my problem. I like the fun aspects of kids, I'll take them to Toys R Us or to the ice cream shop and spoil them to their hearts content! Then when they are tired and cranky I drop them off at dear ol daddys and retreat to my place for some wine.
Plus BF is a Disney Dad....and if he can be a Disney Dad then I'll be a Disney mom. And the kids can grow up in a happy Disney family where all their dreams can come true.
I have a daughter who is
I have a daughter who is grown so I'm a Parent, but not one to a dependent child. I didn't want to be a Parent again. I dated men with kids and it was okay. Guess dating has a lighter tone and zero responsibilities for a kid. But as my daughter grew up, I didn't want to deal with little kids again. I am still pretty young so if that's what I wanted, I'd just have my own. Lol
So anyway, I ultimately stopped dating men with children. I wanted a man with no children and guess what-- I got one. Turns out I was not quite clear enough in my desires and so I have a man with No Biological Kids but one freaking somewhat kid that he decided to Father even though it was born of an affair during his marriage and is a different race. So I can't even look at DH and this kid and see any connection at all which makes bonding with the kid in any way, nearly impossible. Add in his bug eyed Mother and well, heck yes I resent being in this position of a pseudo Parent to a pseudo stepkid.
Disengage - have as little or as much to do with the kid as you want and make that clear from the get go. (Wish I'd done that!) Anyway, seems you have done that so you should be okay. Your DH is not pushing you to "Be Mom" so don't stress yourself about it.