How do you deal with it?
My SD15 was diagnosed with depression and bi-polar, and DH just found out that she receives a SSI check (we use to call it 'crazy' check) and gets more than $450 a month. DH is concerned because she is always 'shopping, getting nails done, getting hair done, just spending money like crazy.' Apparently, her mother is giving her like $350 of it and keeping about $100 (supposedely saving it). He knows that she has gotten a little 'taste' of freedom, money, and the fast life now, and she won't want to come back to live with us because of the freedom she gets with her mother. He has custody of her now, but she hasn't officially lived with us since August of last year. Her mother just filed for shared custody but my DH doesn't feel she's fit to be a parent. However, SD15 says she will NOT come live with us. Mainly because of the freedom she gets with her mother. OH, by the way, SD15 and BM lives with her aunt (BM sister), the aunt's DH, and 3 children as well. BM doesn't work, just sits on her a$$ doing NOTHING all day - collecting government assistance. DH is just trying to figure out how he can get custody, make her want to live with us, and start helping her prepare for LIFE after 18 - because right now, she's not ready at all. Also note: We use to put $40 a week on her debit card so she could purchase food and get necessities while she was living with her mother. However, she is like 'I don't need y'all money, I got my own.' DH is just heart broken because he feels she really doesn't need him fincially anymore.
It's all over. Look up SSI -
It's all over. Look up SSI - it's like a disability check. My sd15 has been in and out of psych wards for the past 3 years.
That's the sad part. Once
That's the sad part. Once they don't need dad's money they split.
I didn't know the 2 were
I didn't know the 2 were related.
"However, SD15 says she will
"However, SD15 says she will NOT come live with us. Mainly because of the freedom she gets with her mother."
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So, her reason for not wanting to come back to stay with you & her dad couldn't be because he slapped the sh1t out of her & that you were proud of him & supported him in doing it?
http://www.steptalk.org/node/44069
I agree that if she has been living with her mom for this long, the court will likely leave her there. Especially with SD being 15. They'll likely give her some say in where she wants to be.
Why is your DH heartbroken that she doesn't need his money? Most parents would be glad to know that their child is doing okay without it.
Geez, I won't be able to live
Geez, I won't be able to live that one down. Yes, DH slapped her - let's move on from there. We aren't talking about the reason she was put out our home back in August - she set fire to paper in her room and I had just had a 2 week old baby. She did all that a week after I got out the hospital because DH told her no she couldn't go to the movies. So, believe it or not, DH has had to deal with a lot from SD15 (not saying that his actions were excusable) but damn, give it a break.
Also - if you look at a recent post from me I talked about SD15 being raped as well. DH is fighting with custody from BM because SD15 was allegededly raped and told BM and her BM told her that she was just lying and that she wasn't taking her to the doctor/hospital or police station. Anyway, the courts are waiting for DH to send clarification that SD15 lied about rape incident. He has began talking to her trying to figure out if the whole story is true or not. Anyway, all that will determine if she has to come back and live with us or not. IF DH says BM was at fault and should have taken SD15 to the police and hospital, then she could lose custody of SD15 - forcing her to come live with us. DH feels bad because he's trying to please everyone. All he needs to do is contact her psycholigist and asked if SD15 came to see him after the alleged rape and what was his determinants from then - whether or not if he thought SD was lying or not. I said all this to say...no SD15 will NOT want to come back to live with us (and trust me - I am not looking forward to it at all)..but if the courts feel that her mother should have acted and taken proper steps when her daughter was allegedely raped, then they will not grant her custody - FORCING DH and I to have to take her.
And, DH is heart broken because SD15 has gotten a taste of money and knows how to possibly live without the assistance of parents, at the age of 15. I mean, we use to put $40 a week on her card - $160 a month so she could use at her disgretion, but now she gets a whole $500. No one, especially not her mother, is teaching her how to manage money, be smart about it, and I personally think they are straight up using her for it. But oh well, guess that's how the cookie crumbles sometimes.
I wasn't talking about the
I wasn't talking about the reason she was put out of your home. I'm talking about why she doesn't want to come back.
You seem to be focused on the money rather than acknowledging that the physical violence likely contributes to her reasons for not wanting to live with you.
By 15 she SHOULD be learning to live without the assistance of parents. It's called becoming independent. It kind of sounds like your DH is trying to buy her love & is upset that she's not falling into it.
You were the one who posted it proud as a peacock when it happened. Like it or not just because it happened awhile back doesn't make it go away.
You know, SD15 knows what DH
You know, SD15 knows what DH did. And I actually talked with her and she said she was 'surprised' he did that, but she felt she really needed it and he probably should have 'checked' her a long time ago. Now that's real talk. For a SD15 to say someone should have been disciplining her a long time ago and maybe she wouldn't be this OUT OF CONTROL, just verifies that DH and her BM has not been parenting her properly (as I have stated numerous times before).
And trust me - I am focused on the money issue because I think a 15 year old should not have $500 a month and spending it how she wants to. This isn't teaching her anything! It's teaching her that she doesn't have to work hard for anything because all she has to do is say she's 'crazy' and the state will take care of you. This is UNACCEPTABLE to my DH and me. Her mother may be ok with her living off the state, but we aren't. And we don't want her to fall a victime to receiving government assistance as a WAY OF LIFE!
I do acknowlede that their were 2 incidents of physcial violence in our care. SD15 has actually been subject to more physical violence with her mother - but who's counting. However, I DO NOT, let me repeat DO NOT feel that the 2 incidents that occurred with my DH are the reasons SD15 will not want to come live with us. Yes it happened, and yes, we are actually passed that now and focused more on how to repair relationships. HER WHOLE REASON FOR NOT WANTING TO LIVE WITH US NOW IS BECAUSE WE WILL NOT BE GIVING HER THE WHOLE $500 A MONTH. We pay for everything else - living, food, clothing, entertainment, etc....so there will be no need for her to receive that money as a lump sum each month. What we will do is put it up and allow her to not spend like she's crazy. THAT'S what will upset her and make her not want to come live with us! The fact that we will not allow her to spend like crazy!
As far as being 15 and learning how to live without the assistance of parents....she really has a long way to go if she thinks the government will ALWAYS take care of her. We want her to be able to go to school, get an education, find/apply for jobs, take care of herself. Giving a 15 year old 4500 a month is NOT showing them INDEPENDENCE!!! DH isn't trying to buy her love, he just knows the value of money, and hopes he can teach her a little something about it.
And yes, I was 'proud as a peacock' when it happened because I felt for years my DH had been allowing SD to have FULL control over him - talk to him any kind of way, degrade him, rule over him, etc. Am I upset about supporting my DH - ABSOLUTELY NOT! My DH did something that he felt he needed to do. Was it right? Was it wrong? Only GOD can judge him. And according to the WORD....Spare the rod - spoil the child.
"I am focused on the money
"I am focused on the money issue because I think a 15 year old should not have $500 a month and spending it how she wants to. This isn't teaching her anything! It's teaching her that she doesn't have to work hard for anything because all she has to do is say she's 'crazy' and the state will take care of you. This is UNACCEPTABLE to my DH and me. Her mother may be ok with her living off the state, but we aren't. And we don't want her to fall a victime to receiving government assistance as a WAY OF LIFE! "
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What's the difference between the gov't giving her money she qualifies for & you & your DH trying to force her to take your money???
You continue say one thing & then contradict it in the very next comment.
I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand and I am ok with leaving it as it is. God bless.
In your blog you stated: "DH
In your blog you stated:
"DH is just trying to figure out how he can get custody, make her want to live with us"
Now you say:
"trust me - I am not looking forward to it at all)..but if the courts feel that her mother should have acted and taken proper steps when her daughter was allegedely raped, then they will not grant her custody - FORCING DH and I to have to take her."
So, is he trying to figure out how he can get custody & make her want to live with you, or is the concern that the courts will "FORCE" you & your DH to take her? You're contradicting yourself.
Also, you stated:
"DH has custody of her now, but she hasn't officially lived with us since August of last year. Her mother just filed for shared custody but my DH doesn't feel she's fit to be a parent."
So, BM is fit to be a mother when your DH loses control & doesn't want to deal with his daughter anymore, but then suddenly when BM files for shared custody after having her for 10 months, he wants to try to make her come back because BM is unfit?
Sounds like he was banking on bribery to keep her & now he's heartbroken to find that money can't buy love.
I agree..honestly rosey I
I agree..honestly rosey I know you say you won't live that one down-but the slapping was just one incident...when she played w/fire and something caught in the room-which was terrible yes...your dh choked her until she almost passed out-the slapping was a seperate incident. Your dh has no contorl-neither of you seem to know what you want w/the girl. I'd honeslty just step away and let it go entirely.
This is the deal with the
This is the deal with the custody....DH doesn't want to take SD away from her mother. The mediation courts are waiting for him to get a statement from the shrink that supposedly saw SD after her alleged raped and this is their findings. {{Mind you, 3 years ago they were in court going for shared parenting and the judge awarded DH custody because BM was unstable, lied about numerous things, and just flat out living off the state.}}} When DH brought it up at mediation, BM lied and said that the shrink concluded that SD wasn't telling the truth about it. DH has tried to contact the shrink SD was seeing, trying to get paper work that will say she spoke with SD after the alleged rape and concluded that SD was lying. However, he hasn't been able to get in contact with the doctor yet. Honestly, we both know it's a lie, b/c SD said BM never took her. With all of that being said, the courts are waiting for DH. He knows that they will not allow BM custody after they find out she lied. If DH doesn't take her - Foster care is next. And DH will not let that happen. Therefore, DH is trying to figure out what needs to be done. He wouldn't want SD in foster care, but if he submit everything to the mediator, and they don't award BM with custody, we will be forced to take her or put her in foster care. And you are right, no, I would prefer her mother keep her. DH knows that SD and I have a rocky relationship. And I told him after the fire incident that she cannot come to live in our house again because I have to be the protector of my children.
So, to sum it up, again - he wants what's best for his daughter....and NO, he doesn't think it's living with her BM (who doesn't have a home, doesn't work, sits on her butt all day, collecting government assistance)....but he's trying to spare me high levels of stress by not bringing her to live in our home where she could possibly put our children in harms way because she's upset she's not with her mom and she doesn't have the FREEDOM to do things that she did at her BM home.
It is time to let it go. She
It is time to let it go. She has definitely been a huge source of anguish in my household. But don't get it twisted, DH slapped her once, and 'man-handled' her another time when she started the fire in our home. CPS was never involved, and we never had to get them involved. And let me clarify something - every time she's at our house, there's not an altercation. Before the last incident with the fire, she visited us every weekend, religiously, for more than a 3 years. What happened with the last 2 incidents she visited us was DH realized that he wasn't going to continue to allow a 15 year old brat control him anymore - not saying slapping her was the right thing to do. But anyway, let's get off that.
Also, it's not about money. DH would hope that she would be able to begin taking care of herself - but not using the system (or learning from her mother how to use the system). I don't think it's appropriate for any 15 year old to have that amount of money given to them monthly just for being 'crazy'. He wants someone to be able to manage the money she receives, give her a set amount of it, and make sure she's LEARNING how to deal with it. Not just sit on her A$$ the whole summer, watch movies, get up late in the afternoon, stay up all night, kik it with friends, sneak out the house when everyone's sleeping, and blow it on Chipotle daily!! We don't want her money - as my husband and I are very capable of taking care of ourselves and our children. If she's going to get the money, she just needs to know $400 isn't going to be paid to you just for being you. That's not how the real world works - but I guess it is according to her trifling mother.
But I agree, leave it be. And that's what I will do.
Someone IS managing the money
Someone IS managing the money she receives. Her mother is managing the money. Just because she isn't doing it the way he thinks she should do it doesn't make her wrong. It just means they disagree.
Your DH pawned his daughter off on BM 10 months ago. Now she's filing for shared custody, your SD doesn't want to come back, & suddenly he has a problem.
It sounds like BM isn't the one trifling.
God Bless!
God Bless!
DH lost his daughter
DH lost his daughter WAAAAAYYYYY before the smack. She was out of control long before that. That slap came 3-4 years later. Plus, SD15 told her psychologist that she was beaten by her mother since she was 4 years old. SD15 has also said that her mother use to beat her because she looked just like DH. So why does my DH gets slammed on for smacking her 1 time when her mother beat the crap out of her on a weekly basis from the age of 4? SD15 is way bigger than her BM now, so that's the reason she doesn't beat her anymore - SD will probably lay her mother out. But enough about getting beaten or smacked or spanked - Hell, I was whoopped by my mother when I was younger, and I can guarentee you that I am a better person for the strong discipline she instilled in me. And I must say, that now raising 2 little boys, they will not be omitted from being disciplined.
As far as DH or me wanting to 'control' the situation, I think you are right. I am not upset that she gets a crazy check, I'm more pissed. Hell - I pay for that check (welfare type). I am a working citizen and I pay taxes so people like SD and her lousey BM could get welfare, food stamps, crazy checks, etc. So, yes, I am PISSED! We do want to control the fact that a 15 year old shouldn't have that type of money to blow it. That's not teaching her how to be responsible. And also, we do know that their are income requirements that one should make in order to get a check like that. DH is waaayyy past that income requirement. SD15's aunt took her down to the social security office and claimed that she's the legal guardian of SD (which she is not). Fasely documented government papers, just so they can receive a SSI check for SD. Now, all DH has to do is call up to the office (because he is the custodial parent) and request that it be investigated. Will he do it? IDK. Neither do I care anymore. If she wants to live off the government and screw the system and learn bad habits from her mother - hey - that's her life she will live. So, there IS something we can do to stop the checks from coming. So SOMETHING can be done to change the WHOLE view of things and the past actions. It just depends on if DH really wants to push the issue.
Also, what a lot of people don't understand is that when you are receiving disability income as a teenager, it SCARS you for life. You may not be able to get that good job - due to your "disability.' Like it or not, some employers will definitely look into that. And it almost ALWAYS come up in a background investigation. DH and I are trying to eliminate the hardship she may have later on in LIFE - SO excuse us for being CONCERNED.
Anyway, on a better note: Sunday, SD came to our house and stayed until today. She had her doctor's appt on Monday (she gets the 3 month birth control shot) and DH had to take her. We can only do so much. We can't control the fact that she wants to sleep with dudes and have unprotected sex...but we can go to get her and take her to her appt so we can at least prevent pregnancy (something her mother could care less about doing because she wants her to get pregnant and have a baby and let the government take care of her too). DH can talk to her about protecting herself so she won't get HIV or any other STD, but that's all we can do.
rb, hope you don't get stuck
rb, hope you don't get stuck with that nightmare!!
sounds like she needs to be smacked a little harder and maybe learn a lesson!
Thanks Star - she really does
Thanks Star - she really does need to be smacked a little harder. DH won't do it again (at least I don't think he would), but something has to be done with her or else she's going to get the short end of the stick in LIFE!
I can't believe it's this hard rearing teenagers in these days. I was a little brat as well, but not even an 100th of what my SD15 is. It has to be something in the water or something!