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Coping techniques I need help

ccoyle04's picture

Submitted by ccoyle04 on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 2:54pm

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I need help.... I have been in my husbands childrens life since they were 2 and 5. I always thought that we had a good relationship. Recently, communication has broken down between us. The older one that lives with us decided she needed a break (from what, I don't know -- she said she was tired) and went to live with her mother -- for the summer or longer -- we don't know (we are in limbo... everyone is afraid to ask.) the 12 year old, made the decision that she wanted to live with us. She stayed for 3 weeks, and I haven't heard from her or her sister since the end of June. How do I not feel like it's my fault? How do I not feel abandoned? I have no children of my own, and I really do wish I did. One that wouldn't leave me when they got pissy or tired of me.

I have done everything I could possibly do for these children, and I just feel that they are ungrateful. I feel betrayed, and i wish they would just go away. It's been so nice at home without either one of them, and I like it. When I married my husband, they were different kids. They appreciated things, they respected me. Now their mother has started trying to buy their attention and I just won't do that. I was not a sullen and disrespectful child, and I have that same expectation from them. I hate being around them. Their existance is just annoying to me. Can I have some words of encouragement -- something to help me get through this?

ccoyle04's picture

Submitted by ccoyle04 on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 3:13pm

I'm beginning to think that I am the problem.... For a while I have been blaming them (in my mind of course)and I really just want to put it behind me. I just don't know how to proceed from here. Do I just do my thing, ignore their behavior? How can you not take it personally....especially when they make sure to throw it up in my face how much of a better mother their BM is. how wonderful she is and all that..... To be honest, I don't want to be their step parent anymore. I just want to be my husbands wife. Can I do that?

ccoyle04's picture

Submitted by ccoyle04 on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 7:41pm

I can't figure out how to read your posts. Can you tell me. I will take any and all help I can get. I have so many emotions running around in my head, I have circles under my eyes cause I can sleep, and I feel completely responsible for all the unrest in this family. I don't want to be this way, but I don't want to be used by them. I just don't know what to do. Sad

Plex's picture

Submitted by Plex on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 8:09pm

Your story breaks my heart. I wish I could tell you not to take it personally, but that really won't work. They are tweens. Their brains are not fully cooked, they have no idea who they are or where they are going. Eventually they will "get it" and realize there was a reason they were living with you and your DH in the first place. Being a step parent is harder than being a bio. It's ROUGH! It's thankless and seems pointless every now and again.

HUGS! Hang in there.

epgr's picture

Submitted by epgr on Tue, 07/20/2010 - 8:38am

I agree with some, teens are impossible, I would rather have 6 teen boys and 1 teen girl!!!
But that does not forgive their behavior.. completely disrespecting you is totally uncalled for!
I say do nothing for them, if you take them places, pay for their cell phones, take them shopping, buy them things, drive them to school, let them have sleepovers.. nothing, do nothing.. and let them know you are going to do nothing for them, becuase people to do not get walked on and turn around and kiss the ass of the person doing the walking.
My kids tried being disrespectful jerks to my husband (thier stepdad).. I told them point blank, you cant have your cake and eat it too.. you want to be a jerk, the MY husband isnt doing anything for you, NOTHING!!! I didnt let it turn into a conversation, I stated my case and walked away.. thier jerkyness lasted a short period of time.. cuz htey realized how much he actually did for them.
If your hubby isnt gonna stand up for you then you stand up for yourself.. ideally do it together.. tell them you chose this path, youre not happy it came to this.. but they can count on their mom to do mom things. After a major thing happens that you would usually do ask them how that felt.
And I disagree, I love my x-stepmom.. I just drove almost 2000 mls to suprise her.. love her for teaching me that she was not there for me to walk on and use when it suited my needs..