How to not go insane raising another woman's children -- advice please
After a fairly short dating cycle, I recently married the most wonderful man. He is divorced (left 5 years ago) from the most pathetic woman on the planet -- alcoholic, pill popping, shopaholic, absent mother who rarely got out of bed unless it was to buy herself Chanel bags and diamonds, get another boob job or to go out with her girlfriends. She cheated on him, too. They have two children, SD 9 and SS 13, who were essentially raised by him, a nanny and his mother. He has a demanding job (leaves for work at 6:00 am and gets home at 7:00 pm) but dedicated his entire post work life to his kids. He has full custody and she has the option to see them on alternate weekends, with an adult guardian present (i.e. overnight babysitter). The BM lives in their spacious former home on very generous alimony. She does absolutely nothing -- no work, no volunteer work, nada -- and apparently doesn't get out of bed until at least noon. Tough life.
So BM, aka WOS (Waste of Space), has rarely exercised her parental rights in the last 4 years but now that we are married, she has done another round of detox and wants to be Super Mommy! I find the timing really ironic considering she made no effort until I became their stepmother. She is a consummate manipulator, liar, and plays the sympathy card like no other (she comes from a very dysfunctional family). My husband has been through Al Anon and knows that he was a complete enabler throughout their disastrous 14 year marriage.
So I am raising her children full time and they are nightmares. SD has been a monster from Day One of dating: sullen, actively hostile, clingy (has to hold his hand everywhere, pushes in between us in public), high maintenance with a pathological need to be the center of attention. She has epic tantrums over NOTHING that are worthy of the worst two year old -- at 9? She refers to me in third person, never looks at me, and throws me under the bus for every perceived neglect or slight (i.e. 5 minutes late to pick her up).
SS is 13 going on 8: he has ADHD and the worst victim mentality imaginable -- he plays the sympathy card as an excuse for everything ("Oh, I forgot to do it because I was diagnosed with limited short-term memory.") He still talks in baby talk and pouts about everything like a little girl. He is catatonic, disruptive, rude, disrespectful, and a know it all.
Both children have been through individual therapy and family therapy for years.
On top of all this, my husband's mother lives one mile away and is a terror. On top of being a complete bitch, she was raised by a stepmother and basically conditioned the children to believe step mothers are monsters. She has undermined any attempt at normalcy we strive for and punishes my husband with her heavy handed guilt. The icing on this toxic cake is she has suddenly embraced the BM -- whom she loathed -- and is encouraging the kids to spend more time with her. The delusion includes her new belief that the BM might get better and be a normal mother -- she encouraged my husband to divorce her for at least 10 years!
It has only been three months but I am seriously questioning whether I can do this long-term. I cannot stand this children and am not optimistic that they will ever change. I love my husband and don't want to lose him but also don't want to get depressed or lose my mind.
I am a good person and I get
I am a good person and I get along well with kids in general. This is so toxic and thankless. I hate being punished for the sins of others. I just keep reminding myself that I did not create this mess and it is not my responsibility to rectify it.
So BM is not allowed in my
So BM is not allowed in my house for obvious reasons. She has called the police on my husband for entering the house he owns that she lives in while they were separated (fyi, he is overly respectful and considerate of this crazy bitch, so it was not a situation where he was threatening her in any way).
A month ago, she was supposed to pick up her kids with her babysitter. She showed up 30 minutes early (I was in the shower) with a friend (former alcoholic no less!) who proceeded to enter and walk through my entire house without my consent. My husband discussed how inappropriate this was and she apologized (of course she just wanted info on our home).
Two weeks ago, she showed up while we were out and came into my home unannounced, upsetting my babysitter. This really pissed me off. When she called her kids a couple of nights later, I said in a civilized way to respect my wishes and not enter my home without my permission. This set her off -- she proceeded to scream at me about what a horrible mother I am, how mean I am to her children (bullshit) and told me that she has videos of me screaming at them. This was amusing as despite the overwhelming desire to do so, I have kept my cool for MONTHS and never screamed at these spoiled monsters.
We got into it and I basically calmly read her for everything she did and continues to do that damages her children. She was self righteous and indignant, denying everything from being a total drunk 90% of the time to letting her boyfriend punch her in the face.
It was comical how much this cow buys into her own lies. I guess I would feel sorry for her if she did not have all of the financial resources and support that she has to actually deal with her problems -- three rehabs, 5 detoxes, therapy for years. She had a nanny and a housekeeper, didn't work, didn't show up for court appointed therapy. At the end of the day, she dug her own grave. It just sucks that she is allowed to repeatedly give lip service about getting better before disappearing into another bottle of vodka for months. At what point do husbands finally say TIME OUT, enough bullshit, you are not getting better so disappear?
This is beyond sick.
She came into my house with
She came into my house with her kids. Kind of hard to call the police on her when she claims she was merely getting a hair bow for her daughter and the kids were with her. She is a con artist and very sneaky. Her reply when I addressed it was "it is my children's home, too". The good thing that came out of this conversation was she knows where I stand and if she chooses to escalate the situation, she recognizes that there will be a serious problem for her.
The only other conversation I have ever had with her is when we met: she was more interested in my wedding ring than discussing the needs of her children. She left that day by telling me "Good luck with my children. They really are great kids!" I was speechless.
I would have been so shocked
I would have been so shocked I wouldn't have thought about calling the police. All these people that suggest calling the police all of the time must live in a very small town where the police have nothing better to do. I couldn't imagine having them for neighbors! Hey their TV is too loud lets call the cops. I don't know of a time in my life where bringing police into the matter helped anything.
I said a time in my life-
I said a time in my life- meaning any situation I have been in. BM is coming into a house where her kids live. What would a policeman really do? Between a Rock isn't allowing this simply because she didn't call the police at that moment. I am sure if things get to another level she would. She just didn't feel this time warranted it. BM didn't come in with weapons blazing. She came in with her kids. I don't feel it would have been good for the kids to see SM call the cops on BM for entering "their" house as they see it. Just because the cops may side with you it doesn't mean it is going to make a relationship with the kids any better. Between a Rock your DH is realizing BM is a crazy woman. That is at least a move in the right direction. If you get the support of your DH then beyond that not much matters.
I know this is how things
I know this is how things should go, but just last night (again this is in my situation) the police did not a thing to help us enforce visitation and in fact scared my SD. He did agree to witness to the fact we tried to enforce visitation and I guess that is something. On the other side my SD seems to hold it against us that we did this. I agree it should have shown SD and BM they can't just obstruct visitation, but it back fired.
I could not have put this in
I could not have put this in better words myself! You totally took my thoughts to print here!
I agree with this and it is
I agree with this and it is even better if the DH is on board with it. Not that she would be asking permission, but just to show they are together on this not just SM and BM not getting along. The courts don't know our long stories about crazy BMs they just look at the black and white of things. Crazy but it is going to cost money to set up a mutual meeting point for visits. Take it away from the home and if BM comes back to your house the police would more likely file a report since it is documented there is a meeting place to keep these thing from happening. What did your DH say about it?
Thank you for offering advice
Thank you for offering advice and perspective. It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one dealing with insanity. I am just hoping that things will change for the better somehow although I am not that optimistic. I am not sure what my limit is but I know that my mental health and the stability of my BS are more important than anything. I feel like the old school attitude about being a stepmom was you must sacrifice yourself for the good of these poor damaged children who will probably hate you but it is your duty to love them. I don't buy it. My focus is my husband and my son. Call me cold but I don't intend to be thrown under the bus for years by his ex, his crazy mother or his bitter children. We all have our own battles, our own journeys.
I wouldn't call you cold for
I wouldn't call you cold for this, I admire that you could do this. Best of luck to you and yours!
It is not your job to raise
It is not your job to raise another woman's children. It is your DH's job. I am sorry that his BM is enmeshed in the throes of her disease. Did he know she was an alcoholic when they married, or during the time they had children together?? Also, his enabling for all the years did not help. Alcoholism is a family disease and clearly the children have been greatly affected. My advice is to detach from these children, as difficult as it sounds. You just set yourself up for heartache, tough times and frankly, little thanks for it. By you "raising them" you also are enabling their mother. If she knows they are being looked after by another woman (and I know you mean well), she will never recover or even try to. They also have a grandmother who can help your DH. If you married him with the understanding that you will raise his children knowing their own mother must be out of the picture, and/or help him to raise them, then I am afraid you will have to be very involved or consider getting out of the relationship.
Thank you -- some people have
Thank you -- some people have the attitude that I married someone with kids, so they are my responsibility. I take care of the household, feed them, take them to school and activities and I feel that is way beyond what I should be doing -- all with no credit and tons of criticism, daily drama. It would be SO much easier if they were sweet, thankful and semi normal instead of being toxic brats -- I might actually enjoy it. Their BM had the audacity to say I was cold and mean because I don't hug and kiss HER kids that don't even acknowledge me! Really, maybe if she put the fifth of vodka down and got out of bed for one of their activities, she could show them what a loving mommy she is! I know, I know, SHE HAS A DISEASE.
I have basically checked out emotionally -- the daily deluge has been way too much and I have to keep the few happy cells I still have in my brain.
after sharing 8 years with my
after sharing 8 years with my SD I believe every SK is a toxic brat... but well, let´s imagine a perfect world.
I don´t see any other solution that to send the brats to a boarding school or simply run away.
It´s too much drama,and not yours.
Hope you can deal with this scenario. Disengaging seems a right path, and will let you enjoy life.
Bus for the kids, nanny when they arrive and you take time for yourself (Yoga, art or whatever you want)
Exactly! That is why I have
Exactly!
That is why I have made it perfectly clear to my dh a looong time ago while we were dating that I will not and will not be expected to do anything for skid. And I don't, and dh is perfectly ok with that, he knows that HIS kid is HIS problem.
To SunnyD123 you are so
To SunnyD123 you are so articulate with your advise! Love it and agree with you on all levels here!
Love4Lemons - I didn't say
Love4Lemons - I didn't say don't call the cops. I just don't think think it would go far in this particular case. I did go on to say to get paperwork started to show BM is not welcome in her home by setting a mutual pick up and drop off location. Then if she came to the house you will be able to start a paper trail and involve the cops. I just didn't think it was warranted to accuse Between a Rock that she allows this because she didn't call the cops on this instance.
haven't read any posts of
haven't read any posts of comments by any others, just coming straight to the bottom to reply to OP, so if I repeat what others said, oops.....
I too have a DH who's crotch dropper bm is a drug addict, waste of space. she rears her ugly head about 2x a year, xmas and skid's bday to buy him presents, take him for a day or 2, and maintain her MOTY status. DH has had skid alone since he was 2, he's now 10. he has autism and a whole host of other developmental/intellectual/physical disabilities. a HOT mess basically. who i'm stuck with 24/7.....anyway..
as for your MIL, well, she sounds a lot like mine too. When I came into the picture, DH and I fell in love, blah blah blah. All of a sudden, poor BABY MOMMA (when I tried to intervene and tell DH that kid shouldn't be allowed in her care, even if only 2x a year, cuz she's high and who knows if he gets looked after, she lives in a bad neighborhood, autistic kids wander, etc.)....so, boo hoo BM.....
My DH bought me a cute sterling silver/gemstone ring for mother's day this past year....MIL decides to post on my FB "oh I thought it was mother's day, not WIFES day...jus sayin"....I had about a millino friends start blowing up the status about how she should be thankful her son got a great wife and mother for the kid he got roped with, etc...they were texting me privately saying OMG, your MIL is a fucking BITCH, etc...I had to DELETE THE POST!
We just bought our first house together. I moved in on Sept 27. MIL lives less than 2 miles from us...today is Oct 9. Half my friends and mom, dad, etc. have been over to see our new house. NOBODY from DH family has called to even say 'hey can we stop by and take a look'.....
i'm hosting a hosuewarming party on oct 26 and made it a FB 'invite only' event. she posts in the event how it's "luke's birthday that day (one of her other grandsons) and that there's a family halloween party also that night (apparently my husband got invited but it was AFTER MIL informed us of her attendance of that) so she's not sure she'll be able to stop by.......are you FUCKING KIDDING ME LADY??? this is your SONS BRAND NEW HOME and you can't get off your ASS to come and see it????
SHE HATESSSSSSSSS ME! guess what? I give not one fuck.....it's a JEALOUSY thing, prolly the same with your MIL....she's jealous your DH has found a good wife, she doesn't need to rescue him anymore. my mil enabled my dh to be a lazy load and the kid to be a lazy load for all these years. now he's with me and i dunno, guess doesn't go over there enough. he's a grown ass man, he can go where he wants and do what he wants, i don't give a shit.
It makes it kind of interesting though....i keep telling DH how his family isnt a fan of me, he thinks i'm seeing what's not there....clearly he's clueless or just doesn't WANT to see it. I don't care either way. If she's jealous, she could do me the world's biggest favor, come take SKID and raise him at her house!!!!
Good luck....as far as your skids, DISENGAGE....I don't even speak to my skid unless it's to tell him to clean up something or do something.
"as far as your skids,
"as far as your skids, DISENGAGE....I don't even speak to my skid unless it's to tell him to clean up something or do something."
As it should be... }:)
OMG, crotch dropper. You
OMG, crotch dropper. You just made me smile for the first time in days! Bless you!
And good luck. MILs and BMs like this suck.
I even have my DH referring
I even have my DH referring to baby momma as a CROTCH DROPPER, hahahaaa! My kids baby daddy is a sperm donor, so same thing, LOL....good luck, start calling her crotch dropper to your DH, he may want to start using the phrase too! }:)
Oh HELL no. Call me crazy if
Oh HELL no. Call me crazy if you want, but if our BM walked thru my house I'd burn it the eff down. No way in HELL is she allowed in my house under any pretense, EVER. This time it was a hair bow, next time it will be something else. I guarantee things will not get better if you do nothing about this.
Send her a trespass warning letter, and if it happens again call the police and tell them you wish to prosecute. I don't care how busy they are, what she did was illegal and something needs to be done about it. Insist. They are not allowed to blow you off. You should be concerned about your and your son's safety. People like your BM can be dangerous. Not to mention the invasion of your privacy.
And she and her children need to learn boundaries. BM and the SKs are buttholes anyway, so who cares if you do something to piss them off??
Like this one https://police.amarillo.gov/pdf/TrespassWarningLetter.pdf , replace "return to" with "enter", and follow the directions on the front page. This will make it easier for you to have her arrested next time.
Here are a couple of other samples, you'd need to edit to fit "not entering", or she will use "not return" as an excuse to make DH do all the driving:
http://www.startasecuritycompany.com/Trespass_Warning_Notice_-_Sample.pdf
https://www.pdffiller.com/en/project/128779200.htm?f_hash=0ecebd&reload=...
I would also advise against talking to her anymore. She's not going to "get it", and whatever you say to her is going to be used against you some way or another. Also, it is not your responsibility to feed the SKs and drive their bratty asses around. If they miss activities, too bad, maybe they should stop acting like jerks.
This is such good advice
This is such good advice
We have had a lot of threats from BM's flying monkeys, threats to do harm and to come to our home etc etc. We went to the police, they took details but in the end it was that we would have to take it up with the police force over the border and we decided to wait and see if we had anymore messages etc. We didn't.
Now, 3 years later it is happening again and this time its her new husband threatening DH. If he comes here we will be calling the police immediately.