Well, That Ought to Change Things, II
After the other days' discussion with SD14 (see prior blog post) about her staying with BM more, DH was having trouble sleeping. I stayed quiet, but when I came home Friday, he was ready to talk.
He's really upset and angry with both SDs. He told me some things I was not aware of, like SD11(almost 12) not talking to him, of same SD pretty much running ahead of him to get away when they were going somewhere, both SDs when getting out of his car just slamming doors and leaving, no goodbye or thanks. He said he's had it.
He talked about stopping any BS with them. He won't take the disrespectful attitude any longer. If they don't shape up then he won't help. Attitude? No help then. Attitude? No ride to friends house. And so forth.
He's also sick of SD14 referencing "...at mommy's we..." Or "...what about mommy..." He said we aren't BMs house. No more of that either. And SDs class trip to Costa Rica? SD14 better kick in her payment soon... she's supposed to pay one installment - her classmates have been doing fundraisers and working on it and she claims to either not know or doesn't want to work with those kids. DH is po'd.
He wants feedback from me but I was careful and just reiterated what I have said before...no rules, no structure ends up with entitled teens who don't have investment in the home or people in it other than to do their bidding.
He also said some of the same things I was thinking...we have this house for them to go to an amazing school district, if they're not here why bother (it's a long commute and big house for two)? Why don't they help out with cleaning, that will be addressed. He had issues with ramifications, like "they should know x and y!" I said, "How? If they were never taught or expected to do so until now?!"
DH has been close to this place before but then backs down. He also is going to make a counseling appointment for himself. I hope he stands his ground...
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He might not be backing down,
He might not be backing down, he might just not know what to do. I recently started this parenting webinar called Positive Parenting Solutions, it's not a fluffy as it sounds but they do have a specific module on dealing with teens. It's helped a lot already, maybe he doesn't give up, he just doesn't know what to do. Parenting unfortunately doesn't come with a manual, and I know I've struggled to figure it out. This course made things a LOT easier and gave me the "tools" literally they call them tools to deal with some of the behaviors in my kids and myself.
I'll check that out! You are
I'll check that out! You are right to some extent. He admits he doesn't know what to do sometimes because he didn't have good parenting roles.
Ok I checked it out. I'm going to let DH know about it (there's a one class offer that is relevant and to see if he'll like it).
I know it's ridiculously
I know it's ridiculously pricey, but when I took BD3 to the doctor and there was talk about ADHD, play therapy and giving her melatonin, which besides the play therapy I declined, I decided I would rather try fixing my responses to he behavior first, then if that didn't work we'd bring out the big guns...on a 3 year old (I work in healthcare, I've worked in mental health, I just feel like upon further reflection, all of that is too much too soon).
I've also noticed that SO was really turned off to the whole thing when I first started it-which was interesting. I started doing some of the things they suggested and when he started to see that I was getting results and he was the yelling one (which is a complete role reversal) he started asking for some tips. So just keep that in mind, sometimes even with adults, the trick is to lead by example.
I don't think it's too pricey
I don't think it's too pricey overall, lots cheaper than therapy! I'll see if he wants to do that single class first (he is very resistant to 'help' books...we bought 3-4 and he never got past the first several pages of each, and he's a reader). Maybe audio would be better.
In any case, start with one and we'll see how it goes.
The SDs are generally really good with me, until the latest food issues. I have clear limits and expectations though. It's DH that can throw it out...
Well, this is a positive step
Well, this is a positive step in the right direction. This is good!
I feel for him. Teenagers are hard. Teenage girls are even harder.
It’s going to take a lot of persistence and consistency. I wish I had some resources to recommend, but I cannot think of any off hand.
DH had to "set SD12 straight"
DH had to "set SD12 straight" a couple months ago. She is extremely entitled due to being an only child for most of her life and having ZERO responsibility/ accountability at BM's.
She was acting like a diva one day and decided she wouldn't participate in our family outing. BM never leaves her house so SD is a couch potato and addicted to technology. DH lectured her on how ungrateful and selfish she was being and how he never asks/ expects anything very difficult out of her. That she is also a part of our family and you have to give a little to get a little. That talk helped a lot and SD has been a lot better about being considerate of other's feelings.
When she came over a week or two ago, I heard her ask DH how his day at work was. I was SHOCKED but also proud that she is learning that she isn't the only person who matters and her dad puts a lot of effort in making her lifestyle comfortable and fun.
I think it's important to
I think it's important to understand how small a kid's universe is and why they are so self centered.
I'm sure we all remember the times our parents were just soooo stupid and didn't understand. Teen years are ones of great transitions and growth..for some. So many things are happening at once and I think a lot of kids are very self-centric. Partially because up until that time, their parents have taken care of them. But now, their natural instinct is to separate from family.. but they also need their family too. It can be drama filled and fraught with angst.
I know that it's easy for the kids to take out their frustrations on their family.
It is up to the family and parents to support and continue to teach their children.. even when they are not very nice to be around.
oh at least he knows there's
oh at least he knows there's a problem with his bratty rude children, and he raised them that way..... but will it change, unfortunately not.
hang in there, do not engage due to DH's words, make it clear in a nice way, you want to see action first.
Yes! The only thing I did was
Yes!
The only thing I did was forward the link mentioned above to him.
He says thanks, then he doesn't know if he'll do it since he has many other podcasts and things he still hasn't done.
...but this is not work, this is your kids and exactly what you were talking about the other day...
He says, Yes, but, but, but...
...ok then...
And I'm out.