How do you fake a smile just to keep the peace and the kid happy for the sake of your man?
Im in a cycle where a 16 year old will deliver "daddy I love you daddy I love you etc" and repeat whenever he is here every other weekend, but disconnects (both he and his mother) from the father consistently, and completely. No picking up phones or texts etc. But two weeks later, the kid is here, and "happy" and DH is temporarily happy, but knows whats coming. He finally cried and told him how much it hurts when the kid only takes his mother into consideration whenever anything anything is going on. No calls on holidays, no call on father's day etc.
SO what I want to know is, how do all of you cope? How do you keep a smile on your face through this process? How do you pretend to be happy when youre around this type of child? The kid claims no responsability for anything. There is a HUGE elephant in the room whenever he is around because it is all part of a cycle.
What can we do? How can I keep a positive attitude? Teenage years are one thing, and I know they are pricks, but this has been the pattern for at least 4 years.
How how how????
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I sorta have the reverse
I sorta have the reverse situation. My ex-DH works a 30:30 rotation job overseas. When he is home (especially since his wife and the Mystery Twins hare relocated to the Black Sea), ex-DH is devoted, and acts as a relatively engaged father. I have sole physical, legal, but encourage lots of visitation when he is in-country.
When ex-DH is back at work overseas, there is minimal contact. No emails, perhaps a text "How ya?" after 30 days, no SKYPE, nothing. I push BS-13 to call at least once/week. It's basically a black hole for 30-45 days, then Insta-Dad ...
I'd suggest that perhaps it's not merely SS-16 being a butt-head, but how SS-16 copes with the BM/DH disconnect. Siding with whomever he is with ... Your DH may have to be the grown-up and make an effort to reach out --- even if it falls onto seeemingly deaf ears.
I am sorry to hear about his
I am sorry to hear about his lack of consistent communication. What do you tell the child?
When SM and the Mystery Twins
When SM and the Mystery Twins lived here, the inconsistency was even worse because ex-DH's time was even more split.
I used to make excuses that "Daddy is running one of the biggest projects and they keep him running the whole time," and "Daddy loves you but with the time difference it's tough." I tried sympathizing: "Yeah, that's tough that you haven't spoken to Daddy in a few weeks."
Then I bought SKYPE eyeballs for the computers and showed BS how to email so that he could talk to his Dad whenever he wanted. Trying to problem-solve.
Now, BS just loves his Dad and accepts that this is just the way his Dad is ...
Other Dads make different choices and email their kids while sitting on the pot at work. Or, SKYPE every Sunday at 1 pm MST or send photos of where they work in XYZ country. BS's dad doesn't do those things. He does pay CS regularly and spends time with his son when he is "in-country."
Could be way worse.
great advice. We have
great advice. We have started doing that. What the kid doesnt know is the more he does this, the closer DH and I get, and the more the father gets excited about having another child. We just got married, and will try having kids soon. A few years ago, he told me his devotion to his son was such that he would take into consideration the kid's feelings about whether or not he would have another child. That was ignorant to begin with, but now he has questioned that lame idea. We are now excited. He is encouraged knowing that he may once again "feel like a father'. I could care less about the BM or SS16's feelings toward this. The mother was upset, and the boy refused to go to his dad's wedding.
What I mean is, SS's behavior has only brought us closer. I dont like the circumstances, but it is working in my favor (at least for now).
AM I EVIL FOR THINKING THIS? I dont like to see DH in pain but it slowly makes him more transparent since actions speak louder than words.
}:)
I mentioned to DH that it
I mentioned to DH that it seems the only time we hear from his sons is when they have car problems. He may want to chat to them about this because I may just stop passing on messages about 'funny noises' or 'broken whatsit thingamajig"
How to cope? Just enjoy him while he is there. Do not make it like the return of the prodigal son. Just welcome him into your home and be nice. Have no expectations of him.
If you get him on his own tell him that calling his father on his birthday or Fathers Day is perfectly normal and not disrespectful to anyone else. That this man helped give him life and he carries half his DNA. So less of the ignoring and a few more phone calls. Even a 1 minute call would be fine. And stop trying to make it all 'happy'
Just be normal.
Thats the thing. I had him
Thats the thing. I had him alone and told him that his dad loves hearing from him during the time he is not here. I also said that sometimes when he should be diciplined for something (insulting him, neglecting to pick up after himself, complaining about simple things)but he does not because he is afraid of him not talking to his father. He pretended not to hear me at first. Then he said "ok". Didnt change anything. The two months he ignored his father was during father's day.
I think youre right. All we can do is enjoy ourselves when he is here. Have no expectations of him. Youre right about how we cannot just focus on him being happy. He does not reciprocate, so why bother?
Handing the power within a
Handing the power within a relationship to a child. That's a tough one. Your DH needs to "Man Up" a bit and take that power back. It's about his parenting of a 16 yr old boy.
BTW: Congratulations on your wedding.
thank u
How long ago were they
How long ago were they togther before he met you?
I don't trust skids at all
I don't trust skids at all because of this. I can't stand fake people. I know it hurts my DH so much to see his kids pretend to like him while texting how much they hate him to BM with a smile on their face. The kids are 13 and 17 so I think they know exactly what they are doing.
There isn't a whole lot you can do. I am nice to them and that's about it. I don't go out of my way for them anymore. I don't spend time on any extras I used to do to make life fun for them here.
As far as DH goes, I just try to make his life easier and more fun. I let hm know what a great man and father he is despite his kids turning out just like BM.
Extras? Me too. What were
Extras? Me too. What were some of yours? I did the whole board games, inviting him to shop with me and once we were done, I'd offer to take him to eat. I'd go out of my way to put my work aside to sit with him and watch a movie that he liked. Not now. No way. I got him a few gifts for Christmas while faking a smile because he doesnt deserve anything really.
What are some of the extras you out there used to do (if youve stopped) and did it change the behavior in any way?
Thanks. It is nice to hear from other people who's hindsight becomes my forsight.