That apology post really got stuck in my head today so here is a question.
When children are apologizing, what is expected? If you can also put age reference that would be appreciated.
I'm trying to show dh that I'm not just making things up. He thinks it's too much to expect a sincere apology from an 11yo child.
Imo at 11 they should really have a decent understanding as to what an apology is.
Maybe not, maybe I'm wrong, but I'd like some feed back.
Is an apology something that you just do to get out of trouble and/our just because it's the right thing to do? Or is it because you genuinely feel sorry for the hurt/trouble you caused?
Also should an apology be accepted if it's brought along with a self pitying attitude? Like when I ask sd why she is crying her response is not "because I feel bad for what I've done", it's "because daddy wad yelling at me" (not truthfully yelling, it was a serious talk) or "because daddy is being mean" (i.e. not letting her get away with something)
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I think ay 11 they are still
I think ay 11 they are still learning the deeper concept of apologizing. The one thing I have always done with my kids no matter the age is make them look me in the eye and say sorry. No looking down, no spinning around. Look me in the eye.
At that age, I have had them write a one page letter WHY they are sorry. It has to have insight and dept, or they are rewriting it.
Hope that helps.
That was my post yesterday.
That was my post yesterday. Here is what I made SD6 do for her apology: look at me while she was apologizing, talk in a normal voice, (not a babyish whine), look serious and like she meant it (no smiling or smirking), no talking back or trying to justify her actions and explain what it was that she was apologizing for and we had a discussion about how she made me feel when she wasn't respectful towards me. I did have to go through with her what I was upset about and walk her through how those things were bad and disrespectful. I would hope an older child would have more awareness that they would be able to realize those things for themselves.
As much as we want every apology to be sincere especially when we feel personally wronged and upset about something I think that learning how to apologize sincerely even when we don't really feel that we did anything wrong can be useful as there will be times in life when we will have to do just that. Say at work towards an angry or upset customer, or if we have been accused of something and our jobs are at risk. Or with someone we love when we are still angry at them for a wrong they did to us so we still feel justified in the wrong we did towards them, but if we realize that holding onto it isn't healthy and someone needs to start the reconciliation to be able to move forwards. Or perhaps with the police for speeding even though we didn't think we were speeding or there is a reason that we felt justified to speed.
IMO they should be made to
IMO they should be made to apologize at any age regardless if they mean it or not.
The reason being...they need to understand a person can be hurt by your actions and and it shows them empathy for the other person.
Regardless of whether they feel sorry or not at the time.
I have tried to explain this to DH. The SS"s are allowed to text him hurtful and mean things or treat me with disrespect and are never forced to apologize.
When I point this out to DH he states that "it would make them feel uncomfortable to apologize". My response was "that is exactly what I want to happen!"
I want them to feel embarrassed and uncomfortable for their actions...because they are WRONG!!!
That is part of a punishment and learning. I told DH that if they didn't like the feeling they get from having to apologize then MAYBE they will think twice
before doing something rude and disrespectful again!!
He didn't get it...therefore I disengage. I ignore their existance and they ignore mine. Im good with that
It seems more than a few
It seems more than a few parents missed that chapter of the parenting manual and don't want to traumatize/embarrass their kids by forcing them to apologize for something they did wrong.
Exactly!! I think it teaches
Exactly!!
I think it teaches them to make better choices and they REMEMBER the feeling and don't want to have to do it again.
Nothing cuter than a toddler
Nothing cuter than a toddler saying "I torry" :). Those s's are hard at that age.
I guess what I'm trying to
I guess what I'm trying to ask is, should dh just force sd to apologize, without having her explain how she made people feel.
IMO there should be dialogue. I think SD should (at this age) be made to try to come up with what she is sorry for, or how she made people feel.
Right now it's dh talking to her while she's pouting and/or screaming and crying. (So, he may actually be yelling at her so that she can hear him over her screams). She honestly (anytime she apologizes) comes in hyperventilating and crying, and only says "I-I-I-I'm s-s-s-sorry" when I ask her why she's crying she says either daddy yelled at her, or daddy was being mean."
Have her write a letter about
Have her write a letter about the issue you want her to apologizes for. It helps them to understand the issue at a deeper level.
With younger children they
With younger children they certainly should have the "crime" explained and have to say sorry, as stated above. Around 11, yes they should be able to say why they are saying sorry. I expect that of BS8 "I am sorry I xyz". If your DH is yelling (even if because she is screaming), he has already lost. Lectures usually result in kids just tuning you out (staring into space), once they are crying, they are not listening, and of course she is just focused on that. If she is getting upset, some time to compose herself, and then ask the question.
My BS8 got in trouble at school once this year, I had a phone call from the teacher. He obviously knew at that point. I looked over at him once I got off the phone, and asked him "what do you have to say for yourself?". He burst into tears, ran upstairs and hid under his bed. I left him to it (I know him), after a few minutes he came and sat at the top of the stairs looking at me, crying still, I continued to ignore him. After about 5 minutes, he had made his way down next to me, was calm and we discussed it, he said he was sorry. Interestingly, he said he did not think what he did was wrong, but he was sorry his teacher did not like it and he made her sad, and he was sorry I had to deal with it (he overreacted against a bully). He then wrote sorry letters for the teacher.
Sometimes, they may geniunely not be sorry for what they did, but they should at least apologize in terms of "I am sorry my actions upset you".
Your SD11 is never going to understand or be able to develop opinions and independence if your DH just yells over her.
SD knows the art of fake
SD knows the art of fake crying too...but not how to hide the signs that she is trying to work her way up to crying yet so fortunately DH and I are on top of it most of the time.I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to see your partner being manipulated by a young child and falling for it.
Thank you dtzy, that's what I
Thank you dtzy, that's what I intend on doing. I have never expected am apology from sd, and I really wish dh would leave it alone as well. I prefer her to just receive her "room sentence" and dh be done with it. It turns into a theatrical performance, which I just can't stand. It literally makes me sick to my stomach.
Imo more important than the apology itself (because it means nothing anyway) he needs to have back and forth dialog with her about her actions, the natural consequences that come from those actions, and how her actions can effect people.
This is what I did wroth my children; at an early age (toddler years) I did force them to say sorry, even if they might not have meant it. But with the forcing of saying sorry, I explained to them that when they threw the block/ or bit the child (or what ever there transgression was) they hurt the offended child. If they continue to hurt their friends they won't want to play with them anymore. Then I ask, do you want to hurt them? Do you want them to be sad? Do you want them to stop playing with you? I will do all of this with the other child right there so that they can see their face and understand what sadness/hurt looks like.
These days I may have to sit in their rooms and explain that when they did something, it hurt someone's feelings, but they are usually very quick to apologize.
One thing that was rough when they were little was understanding that they needed to apologize when they accidentally hurt someone (stepping on someone's foot, bumping into someone on accident, etc). They thought apologies were only for intentional wrong doings. But they are very quick to apologize know for those as well.
Learning to apologise is
Learning to apologise is important because it's how we heal relationships of any kind
I’m sorry for…
This is wrong because…
In the future, I will…
Will you forgive me?
http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/