Your Marriage May Be Over, And That's Okay

Folks, maybe it's just holiday stress, but I have seen several blogs and forum posts from SPs who are throwing all they have into marriages where they aren't an equal partner, then are asking what more they can do.

To you SPs, let me say this:

Your marriage may be over, and that's okay.

I don't mean to be cold hearted or tell people to jump when things are salvageable. However, when you are:

- Being belittled by your spouse, or their kids and they don't do anything

- Being guilted into bending your agreed-upon boundaries and then don't follow through on their end of bending bargain (EG don't pay money back that you lent from a joint account

- Being show less affection than your SK

- Being told that defecating and masturbating in public on your furniture is okay

- Having objects thrown in your general direction

- Being called names...

...you're marriage is OVER. Your spouse is purposefully choosing their child or abusive behaviors OVER your care and wellbeing. This is not a side effect of you not doing enough. This is not a side effect of the kid being a COD. This isn't even a sign of a guilty parent who can change. These are ACTIONS AN ADULT is taking AGAINST YOUR COMFORT AND PERSONHOOD in order to please themselves. They are making the choice to make you miserable and obedient so they stay happy and well fed.

I have BEEN in a failed marriage. I left after I was told that I was too fat to have sex with, I was too crazy to be a good mother, to eat less at restaurants because I didn't need that much food, to stand up straight because my belly was disgusting (I'm 5'8" and a 12/14; not tiny, but not large, either). I had a cell phone whiz past my head and imbed itself into the wall. I was dragged up stairs. I was thrown over a bench once.

It started with words, escalated to actions, and eventually violence. There is NO reason someone should EVER purposefully disrespect you REPEATEDLY. Someone who does that SHOULD NOT have the privilege of calling you their lover and spouse.

For those of you asking hoe to save your marriage who has been experiencing those things above, ask yourself the following:

- Why do you tolerate it from your spouse, and would you tolerate it from others?

- You are an adult. Why do you allow another adult to treat you like a child and punish you when you don't agree with them?

- If your friend came to you with your story, would you tell them to stay and work it out, or to run because they are better than that?

- Even if your spouse changes, will you be able to trust them to stay that way, or will you always wait for the other shoe to drop?

- Why don't you think you have done enough, and how much more can you feasibly do?

- Most importantly, would you treat yourself the way your spouse treats you, or would you treat yourself better?

Our spouses should make us better people. No, our relationships will never be perfect, but it should be a dance of five steps forward and a half step back. You DO deserve better, and you CAN find better, either alone or in a different relationship. This person and their problems ARE NOT the end-all-be-all of your life, and you can't fix someone who is actively being unhealthy or allowing unhealthy behaviors.

You can still love your spouse and leave a toxic marriage. I did it. I loved my XH the minute I moved out. I loved him for six months after. But I knew what my future would be if I stayed, and I left.

You are an adult. You are an equal to your spouse. If your spouse doesn't treat you as an equal, then leave them to their own devices. You'll be okay. You will grow and be strong. Your marriage is over, and that's okay.

lieutenant_dad's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Clapping as well!!!!! LD, you

Clapping as well!!!!! LD, you nailed this. Whether low self-esteem, low finances or fear of the unknown, if you are in this type of toxic relationship I encourage all women to FIND YOUR WAY OUT! And to again quote Echo, "Love yorself more..."

I've been around here for two

I've been around here for two years now. I've found that some people leave, but you have to be in the right frame of mind.

If I can give someone another nudge toward leaving, it's not a waste. I knew for almost four years with my XH that I needed to leave, but didn't. One day it became clear that it had to happen, but without nudging from others, it never would have happened.

Leaving was the best thing i

Leaving was the best thing i ever did. There was NOTHING that could induce me to stay. But i took too much crap off them before i left. I was beat down and blamed myself. I felt there was something wrong with me. Trust me. It wasn’t me. And my kids deserved better.

Those who choose to stay in crap situations, i feel bad for you. Life is too short.

You were one of the posters

You were one of the posters who helped me find the courage to leave. Yep, “FrenchPeas” was google search bar stalked by me. Lol

Thank you. <3

Oh my gosh! No, thank you! I

Oh my gosh! No, thank you! I haven't updated for a while - but I still have ZERO regrets about the decision to leave that mess behind me. And I hope you are doing well. It's not an easy thing to do. That situation messed with my mind for a while.

Congrats on finding peace. You made my day. HUGS!!!

Yes! Thank you for saying

Yes! Thank you for saying this. I hung around here for too long past the expiration date of my step-relationship, knowing I should leave but not being totally sure... waiting to read the right post that spoke to my situation exactly... and of course, not wanting to give up on a man I loved and CHILDREN in a family I was trying to blend. It hurt to realize that his inaction was actually abuse! And his child’s actions were as well. Now even though I still hang out with ex (sans skids) I’m single and cannot even kiss him without shuddering nor think of him as “my man” the protector because I watched him fail to protect me from a child and her piece of sh!t mother. I wish I could tell every woman how much better my life is after making the HARD decision to choose myself over a man.

He keeps trying to make me forget, and show me how much he has changed, but no way, never again will I ever put a relationship first... what I’ve learned from this dreadful, miserable, life-changing experience is that the only one who deserves unconditional love is yourself!

Thank you for posting this.

Thank you for posting this. It echoes what has been in my head since I have been reading the stories here. I can not understand why some people remain married to people who openly disrespect them and treat them badly - coddling children whose behaviour is gross / criminal / apathetic (take your pick).

Coming here, confirmed for me (through valued comments of many posters) that my marriage was a mess. Reading stories of what people were going through here, showed me how BAD things could get. I dont want this. I dont want THAT life. Some of it is sad. Some of it is pathetic. My decision to get divorced boils down to self-respect. I can not expect someone to treat me better if I dont set the standard in my own home. I dont want my son to think the dysfunction in my home is normal or to be tolerated.

Thank you for saying: "Our spouses should make us better people." and " You can still love your spouse and leave a toxic marriage." This really resonates with me. My current spouse and his poor skills in raising his children, and general sorry for himself attitude does NOT make me a better person. It is taking away from who I am. This is not what marriage is supposed to be like. Thank you for also acknowledging that you can love someone and not want to be married to them anymore. I love my husband. I dont particularly like who he is at the moment. I dont think we have the same expectations or standards. I am not going to lower mine to meet him half way. I dont think we are suited to each other- and I am not going to hide behind "I take my weeding vows seriously" to cope with what WAS and REMAINS a bad decision: to marry him. He is not a bad person. He is just not what I want or need in a spouse.

There are many marriages that are long dead on this board. The saddest for me are the ones with spousal disrespect. People here deserve more and better. I would rather be divorced, admit I failed at a marriage than live in misery with a pathetic partner.

Same with DH. His marriage was over years before he actually left.

The disrespect, the spitefulness, the anger, the demands, all the crap you deal with after a divorce started in the marriage. Once it starts, it's almost impossible to stop.