This was written by a person no longer a member here, BUT I think we could all benefit from it:

Stepparenting: Myths vs. Reality

Whether it is our first marriage, our second marriage, our third or our fifteenth, we enter into it with certain preconceptions about our roles in the union. The terms “husband” and “wife” evoke clear images of what our lives will be like as one half of a married couple. Whether we have a traditional marriage or a non-traditional one, we know going in how that marriage will be constructed and what part we will play in the marriage before we ever say “I do.” We define for ourselves what it means to be a husband or a wife within the configuration of the relationship that we are building.

If our new spouse has children, however, then we also become a stepparent. For most of us, that role is harder to define. We have not spent the better part of our girlish youth daydreaming about our knight in shining armor, riding up on his white steed and whisking us away to share his magical kingdom with his passel of unruly offspring, his horrid ex-wife and his meddling, spoiling parents. In becoming a stepparent, we may find that we have less control over defining that particular role and difficulty knowing where to draw the line between our duties as a spouse and our duties as a stepparent. The biggest myth is that love will see us through anything. That’s the fairytale. The reality is that it takes more than love alone to blend a family.

Myth #1:
Being a stepparent gives us the same rights and responsibilities as being a parent.

False. The reality is that our spouse’s parental status does not automatically extend to us upon our marriage. We do not have equal say in the decision-making process that affects the lives of our stepchildren. Our spouse’s court documents do not pertain to us. We are not a party to the child support and custody orders between him and his ex-wife. We have no legal right or authority to make decisions regarding the children, their support or visitation. We may have some input or hold some sway with our spouse, but we will likely never get a direct vote when it comes to issues that do not directly and profoundly impact us personally. Sometimes we have no say even when we are directly impacted, such as the amount of child support paid or the amount of visitation exercised. We can choose our level of participation, but we cannot choose our spouse’s level of participation with his or her own children, especially when there is a court order dictating his involvement. There are some decisions that we simply cannot make for our spouse, even when we know we are right.

Sometimes when speaking for or acting on behalf of our spouse, we take their fights on as our own. We want to be supportive. We want to stand beside them through thick and thin. We want to fight alongside them to help them get their rights. Sometimes we become over-enthusiastic. We can argue all we want with our husband’s ex-wife over visitation and we may be 100% correct that he has the right to visit with his children, but we are 100% incorrect that it is our battle to wage and to win. “We” don’t have the right to see those kids every other weekend and every other holiday. “He” does. It is his visitation. Let him fight for it or relinquish it as his conscience dictates. Likewise, we can make phone call after phone call to our stepchild’s doctor’s office or school demanding records that their father has every right to peruse, but unless that request comes from him, he will likely never see those records. As a stepparent, we only have whatever rights are bestowed upon us by the children’s natural parents.

Myth #2:
The duties of the spouse and the duties of the stepparent are one and the same.

Stepparents have few rights, if any, but also no real responsibilities and that is where the line gets blurred between being a spouse and being a stepparent. It is a fine line, but it does exist. Being a loving, supportive spouse does not always equate to doing “x” as a stepparent and the more clearly you differentiate between those roles, the easier it will be for you to designate healthy boundaries, define your role within your family’s structure and avoid the resentment that can result from others assuming you will do certain things simply by virtue of your being “the mom” or “the dad” in the household. You may be “the” mom or dad, but you may not be “their” mom or dad; being “his” or “her” spouse does not equate to being “their” parent.

Stepparents have no obligation whatsoever to their stepchildren. We are not required to spend money on them, feed them, clothe them, shelter them, love them, notice them or even care if they live and breathe. Those of us who do these things do so because we care, but we are not required to care. Sometimes we take on too much voluntarily because we want to “support” our spouse. What can happen is that we end up doing it all. We take over and do it ourselves, rather than stepping back and supporting our spouses while they take care of the task at hand. Our spouses come to depend on us for all we do and then resentment builds within us when we get tired of solely shouldering their burden. Sometimes resentment builds within our spouses when we inadvertently make them feel incompetent to raise their own children. It is good to want to be an involved, hands-on stepparent. It is not good to swoop down and take over, even when our spouse is not doing it “right.”

Being a good husband or wife does not mean raising our spouse’s children for him or her. It means helping him or her to be the best parent he or she can be. We can advise, suggest, pitch in, commiserate, listen, rehash, comfort, proofread, opine, pinch hit for, provide secretarial support and provide financial backing, but we cannot be the parent in place of our spouse, even when he or she is failing miserably. The best way to be a good spouse to a person with children is not to take over for him, but to assist him in being the kind of parent he wants to be and the children deserve.

Myth #3:­
The ex-spouse does not need to know what goes on inside our house and has no business butting into our personal life.

Unfortunately, when we marry a man with children, we must know that we will be opening our life up at least a little to their mother. We may be the love of our husband’s life, but we may also be a total stranger to his children’s mother. How can she turn her children over to us with confidence when she does not know the first thing about us? Both parents deserve to know that their children are safe, secure and being cared for by responsible, caring adults. The ex will rest easier and be less intrusive during visits if she is assured that her children are being adequately cared for and are being treated fairly by us.

There is no need to invite the ex into our kitchen for tea and crumpets when she’s picking up or dropping off her children, but there is also usually no need to summon the Neighborhood Watch if she dares to drive down our street. It is still a free country, even for ex-wives. Setting healthy boundaries is a good thing. Living in fear of an ex finding out the color of our carpet or how often we cut our grass is not healthy. More often than not, the ex will have some natural curiosity about us and about her children’s experience while in our home. If we have nothing to hide, then we have nothing to fear. If we act like we have something to hide, she will start digging for it.

Our spouse has the right to contact his children when they are with their mother. Likewise, our stepchildren’s mother has the right to contact her children when they are with us. She will call to talk to them; she will call to talk to him about them. She may even call us, for one reason or another. She will sometimes call at inopportune times and yes, sometimes this is planned, but often it is not. We can choose some basic parameters for telephone and email usage within our own home if too frequent contact makes us uncomfortable or if contact becomes intrusive or abusive, but we cannot stop the contact between the children and their other parent or between the parents themselves. The goal should never be to prevent access or stop the flow of communication. We have to try to find healthy, positive ways to communicate between households. We have to strike a balance between allowing reasonable access and preserving our privacy. That can be challenging when you have an ex who is not interested in participating, but given time, patience and practice, it can work. If she does not see you as a force threatening to come between her and her children, then she will be more likely to relax and let them enjoy their time with their father uninterrupted by her.

When we marry someone with children, we have to prepare ourselves for the eventuality that the children’s other parent will become curious enough to do some looking into our lives. Our spouse’s financial records may be subpoenaed for child support calculations and that may open up access to our own finances. Our stepchild may go home with a nasty bruise from an innocent accident that may result in us having to open our homes to investigation by Child Protective Services. Our older stepchildren may be recruited by their other parent to do a bit of spying for him or her. If our life choices will not hold up to such scrutiny, then being a stepparent is probably not the right job for us. You don’t have to bare all to your husband’s ex, but it is better to be open and honest, when you reasonably can be, than secretive when there is no real reason to hide. We do have the right to privacy, but our stepchildren’s parent also has the right to know that her children are safe and the safety of a child does and always should trump the privacy of an adult.

Myth #4:
Stepparents have no rights.

Up until now, I have only said that stepparents have little or no rights and that is true, when it comes to legal authority over stepchildren. The fourth myth is that stepparents have to subjugate our wants, needs, desires, hopes, dreams, plans and preferences to those of the stepchildren or ex. The truth is that while a stepparent may have no authority to decide a step issue, that stepparent does have the right to decide how his or her home environment is impacted by that step issue. We cannot affect “if” very much, but we can certainly affect “how.”

We cannot decide whether or not Johnny and Mary come to live with their father full-time, for example, but we most definitely have the right to establish rules, mete out reasonable punishment, assign chores and be a part of the decision-making process within our own homes. We have the right to be consulted before decisions directly impacting us are made. We have the right to expect our spouses to back us up in matters of discipline, to not spend excessive amounts of money without checking with us first, to not commit to anything on our behalf without our approval and to ask, rather than to assume, that we will accept any sort of responsibility for their children. We have the right to expect our possessions, our feelings and our family and friends will be treated with respect by the children in our home. We have the right to expect that our spouses will put at least as much effort into our marriage as they put into everything else in their lives, including their children. We have the right to turn down responsibility for the children if we are not also granted authority over them. We have the right to walk away from any catastrophe involving stepchildren and ex-spouses, because we did not give birth to the former and did not marry the latter. We have the right to feel no obligation where no obligation exists and we have the right to choose our own happiness over their drama.

Myth #5:
“They” are out to get you.

Whether “they” refers to the stepchildren, the ex, the child support enforcement agency in our state or our local domestic relations court, rest assured that “they” are not all out to get us. Children are selfish beings by nature and their selfishness varies as they age. Newborns are the most selfish, because they need constant care and supervision. Toddlers become less selfish as they become more independent, but their world is still very much centered on “me.” Pre-teen children are more aware of others, more giving, more cognizant of the consequences of their actions and more eager to please. Teenagers pull away and live lives focused mostly on themselves and their friendships. Young adults are selfishly engrossed in their own futures, but as they age, adult children generally become more selfless. Parents are a constant in the lives of children and so sometimes our children do take us for granted. They may be inconsiderate, but they are not always out to get us. Not even the teenagers. For the most part, our children are too self-involved to be plotting against us.

A hostile ex-wife may throw up substantial roadblocks to our happiness and sometimes they do so for no better reason than to inflict pain on us and our spouse. It happens, but it is not always the case. Ex-wives do not get special mind-reading powers when they are handed the finalized copy of their divorce decrees. Most of them do not sit around planning to make our lives miserable. Sometimes they do get lucky and I’m sure they enjoy it when they do, but not every decision they make is centered on how to make us and our spouses pay the most. Sometimes it really is a matter of them having more important things to consider than how they affect us. Sometimes their actions are the result of children who try to play their divorced parents against each other. We cannot assume an ex is obsessed with ruining us. It is more likely that she seldom thinks of us at all. Your husband’s ex may be more inconsiderate and lacking in manners than vindictive.

Child support enforcement workers do not get paid enough to personally invest in us, our spouse, our spouse’s ex or the children they share. They are there to do their jobs and I think most people try to do their jobs to the best of their ability. Your average CSE worker does not make any final decisions. They answer questions and fill out forms. Child support is calculated in every state using some formula, whether you use an agency or the amount is determined by a judge. Some states use formulae that seem grossly unfair, some states use formulae that distribute the responsibly evenly between the two parents. Unless your spouse agreed to some specific amount, then the amount was likely calculated using a formula that has been determined by qualified individual to be “fair” by the definition of the state. Either way, the amount is what it is. Whatever amount is decided is the amount that has to be paid and it is due on the date it is due. None of that is in any way, shape or form determined by your child support enforcement agency’s personal feelings towards you as an individual. You are just one of many and no one that they care enough about to risk their jobs trying to fudge the numbers to for the sole purpose of screwing you.

Your local family court, as hard as this may be to believe, is also not out to get you. The laws have already been written. There are some old-school judges out there that continue to insist on interpretations that favor the mother. There are some judges who, whether due to having a lackadaisical personality or overfull docket, are not interested in hearing the “full” story. Sometimes hearing the full story does not even matter. Sometimes there is no better parent and no argument that is more valid than another. Sometimes it is hard to separate the truth from the lies from the miscommunications. But still a choice has to be made. It is a judgment call. That is why the people making them are called “judges.” If you disagree with the judgment, appeal the decision. The judge is not out to get you. You might try looking at your attorney and seeing what he or she is doing for you, instead.

Myth #6:
Love is enough.

No, it really isn’t. Love is meaningless without respect, honesty, moral support, affection, physical proximity, sharing, communication, faithfulness, understanding, patience, commitment and loyalty. It is not wrong to put the marriage first. It is imperative that we put the marriage first. Only by demonstrating a successful marriage to our children and stepchildren can we hope to give them the tools for having successful marriages themselves in the future and a stable foundation for them to count on today. Only by nurturing our relationship can we be assured that we will still have something in common with our spouses long after the day that the children are grown and gone. Instead of focusing on our spouse’s previous marriage, we have to put forth that effort into promoting our own marriages. We can’t sit on our asses waiting for the children to grow up so we can have their fathers all to ourselves. We have to make that relationship with our spouses strong now so that the children will want to go off on their own and find something like it for themselves someday. If we wait until they are grown and gone, we will wake up one morning next to a stranger with no idea how to put us first because they never had to put us first before.

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The last myth I want to dispel is that every ex-wife/biological mother is a raging psychopath hell bent on destroying her ex-husband and even her own children for her own personal and financial gain. We can theorize about them all we want, but we can never really know what lies in the hearts of the women our husbands had children with before they married us. Those of us who are ex-wives or biological mothers ourselves can only begin to guess what goes on in their minds, but not a one of us is qualified to make diagnoses or judgments without having first walked that mile in their shoes.

As stepparents, we hate the myth that stepmothers are mean, but how nice is it to assume the worst about people we only know through the one-sided stories we get from their disgruntled ex-husbands? I don’t want to live up to the myth of the evil stepmother. I don’t want my stepchildren’s mother believing that myth applies to me. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt and letting her prove me wrong. She has before, she may again, but even if she does, she can’t really touch me. Maybe I am the eternal optimist, but what harm can it do to hope for the best and act accordingly? I have staying power. I can outlast her. I can give her the benefit of the doubt, shrug my shoulders when she lets me down and still have the compassion to try again down the road. Why? Because I know that I have changed and I know that it is possible that she will change, too, someday. And because I am happy, truly happy, and can wish no ill towards anyone. Not even her.