Graduation Day Blues part 2
It was a situation yesterday. SO asked Winona about the High School graduation guest list, found out I was not on it, and he grew very angry, "was not ok with it." BMs boyfriend was also not on the guest list.
Strangely enough, I was ok with it. It is actually a relief. But what happened yesterday, after SO and Winona got into it via text was that HE then refused to go, if I wasn't going. Then his 2 sisters who were invited (2 very nice ladies that I really get along well with...) told him THEY would not go if I were not going. And it went like that. So I in turn insisted that both the Aunties should go, if they gave me their ticket, I would decline, insisted that SO just go already, and that would be the end of it.
But that's not the end, is it? When I texted the Aunties a big "thank you for your support, I really appreciate it and it means so much to me", I got the basic friendly reply, then each of them goes on to say that I should "be patient, Winona is going through a really tough time right now, you know how teenagers are, you were once a teenager, Im sure you remember how rough things were..."
Stop.it.right.now.
Winona is not the "poor victim", as the Aunties like to think. She has it pretty good, in her life. Its her responsibility that she doesn't have activities, that her grades are D's and F's, that she doesn't have a job, or a drivers license. Her responsibility completely. Her choices! She isn't having a "really rough time" here. She eats our food, she doesn't work, she is barely showing to classes, she is getting bad grades, she certainly cant blame bad grades on time spent on job or activities. She doesn't help out around the house and she certainly doesn't clean her room, or any other room for that matter.
I am a little steamed. The Aunties mean well, but they have no idea, none at all. The Aunties have bought into Winona's "poor me, I am a victim, I don't have a life, I am not allowed to have a pet, and I am not allowed to paint my bedroom walls! Poor me!"
My response to Auntie "A" who said that I should remember what it was like "to be a teenager going through those tough years", was:
"yes, I truly remember, what it was like growing up, without ever meeting my biological father and having a stepfather and 2 half siblings to deal with. But I am different person than Winona. I had really good grades, I worked from the age of 14, and I had activities and close friends that I spent time with."
My response to Auntie "B" who tells me that I "should just have some patience, that Winona will someday appreciate her father", was:
"for me it is really not about patience anymore, as I have disengaged, and we are civil. She lost her temper and said some really hurtful things, and they still hurt months later, so I have removed myself and we are fine. You should definitely go! But there are other issues at play here, it is not JUST the graduation attendance list."
Whew! Thank you for allowing this to come out.
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Comments
LOL, I know. That still sort
LOL, I know. That still sort of works me up. Because she chose to be pescatarian we have to cater to her, she cannot go out and get a job, and buy her own stuff!
I like certain things too, but I get them myself.
It remains to be seen how things will play out. I have not any idea. I am insisting everyone go, and they know that I am in the middle not of my own doing.
Somehow, I don't know how, this became about me not being invited, instead of "hey, its her day."
They will never understand
They will never understand because they don't live it day in and day out.
I would be ok with not going too. Graduations are boring.
Yes, and I don't have to use
Yes, and I don't have to use vacation days and all that!!!
I am relieved - that's a lot of pressure off me.
I see that too. Sometimes I
I see that too. Sometimes I think SO is being too heavy-handed, and that we should sit down and discuss things calmly. But apparently he has tried all that, with no positive results. She yells at him, tells him to "just shut up", and ignores him when he asks her to please do "xyz". This didn't just happen overnight, though it started somewhere.
So, I understand she needs a good model. I thought, at one time that I could perhaps be that. But she rejected me, and verbally abused me to the point I had to disengage. I have previously had nice heart-to-hearts with her and discussed different things, but she turns on a dime. And will turn everything I say against me, in efforts to portray me badly.
I do see what you are telling me, perspective-wise she only has a negative model, with no positive model on how to have healthy relationships. So what can I expect, right - garbage in/garbage out.
I used to feel bad too, but I see her day in and day out and nothing improves or changes because she does not WANT to change. I gave her opportunities for growth - invited her to a play, got her into a day-long surf camp, had taken her to music ranch for gatherings and Beatles jams. Tried to get her to cook with me ("your helping me cook dinner today" - "since when???" - "since now" and it was a pleasant experience for her.) Nothing. I have shared my knowledge of various things - and suggested that I could hook her up with art workshops through friends. Music lessons. Nothing. "oh no I don't like lessons, I don't really need that.".
I wasn't always "indifferent", it has just been recently, when I learned about disengagement. What a godsend!!!
You do not know HOW many times I wanted to type up and print a "how to be a real woman" guide book. You know, the basics. Like being strong and independent, have gratitude and be nurturing even when annoyed. How to work hard at whatever it is that strikes a chord in your being. How to understand the flow of a household, of a family, intuitively knowing how to make it better than how you found it, dog/animal training, food and nutrition, traveling alone. Complete with plastic envelopes for copies of birth certificate, social security card, license, id card, and passport (of course).
WERD! LOL "stupidity runs
WERD!
LOL "stupidity runs deep in our family at that age!" That's funny. I have 2 family factions, the smart side (Mother) and the not-that-smart side (step dad).
Every age has unlimited possibilities for stupidity.
My SD will graduate in 1 year
My SD will graduate in 1 year and to avoid all the effing drama..
I found a cabin on a horse farm that will allow my dog so...
Honestly, I just want to avoid all the awkward crap that comes along with sd centric events.
It is going to be very
It is going to be very awkward. SD18 stood in line and got me a ticket after all.
Ch!t.
I get to see the BM, her parents and the 2 cousins who don't like me, and then the 2 Aunties, who will bug SO about "so is there a grad party later?"
Ugh. And she never wanted me there anyway!
Good for you - that farm sounds like a slice of heaven!
Thanks Granny - you never
Thanks Granny - you never fail to deliver a special dose of intelligent and calm-objective-yet emotionally comforting, thought-provoking sensibility.
The love I have for SO, he is so worthy. His blinders are now off, hopefully permanently, after her accusation of abuse. He is quiet about things, but I know underneath he is seething. He, who has never laid so much as a finger on her, accused of abuse, while her mother slaps and chokes and body slams her. She pushed his buttons and now is seeing the repercussions.
Her younger sister, Munchkin, she is definitely worth all my time and attentions. We have so many good times together, my heart swells when she sais "I love you", after tuck time. She reads my mind - I just have to look at her and she knows what I am thinking.
Whinenona - she is currently still playing victim! Her father told her "get a ticket for CLove, or I am not going!" So guess what? She did. Blast it.
The Aunties really like me, in general. I guess they have tried to talk with her, and got no where. I do not have details. But right now I am the "good guy", and will keep it that way for a while. They cannot ever know what I am going through, and we never have discussed anything before this. I know where their sympathies lay. That's fine.
I do not know what will happen after high school, she has 2 summer classes. No job, and no license, and a car just waiting for her in the driveway (that will be sold soon if no efforts for job and license....) I simply want her to launch, get her own life, away from mine! SO wants the same thing. They fought yesterday, because she wants to stay with us full-time. Im like "no!!!please!!! we need our alone time without kids!" He agrees, but she always comes back with "don't you want me with you? I am your daughter!!!"
LOL. He just told her "hey, when you are here, all you do is sleep and play on your ipod, eat and your room is a pigsty. You don't DO anything, and you don't help out. I need time without kids."
Good for him!!!!
Thank you Granny - that means so much!! (hugs)
hehehe I see it differently
hehehe I see it differently CLOVE.... you simply should've text the Aunties, yes it's hard to be a teenager from a broken home...
Aunties text to you
""be patient, Winona is going through a really tough time right now, you know how teenagers are, you were once a teenager, Im sure you remember how rough things were..."
TRANSLATED
You are a Saint CLove, that child is from the spawn of the devil, a true brat who thinks the world revolves around her, we do not fall for her me me me pity party do us a favor and never talk about her again... we send the tickets back cause we have no interest in her graduation with her low marks.... we are happy she's done with school and hopefully she moves to a trailer with a man and out of your house
LOL. BM is a demon-possessed
LOL. BM is a demon-possessed psycho, and Whinona is just like her in personality.
Aunties LOVE her because she takes care of their mother, which they pay for, but still. Whinona pretends to be sweet and nice, and they hardly see her other side. They don't know about her stealing, lying and mean actions, and have no clue about her bad grades. They just think "oh child of divorce, poor thing, suffering through all that and her father is being so HARSH!"
They havent heard about the abuse charge she threw at him in anger the other day. They don't know how she has been treating me, the things she likes to say to me, to push my buttons. Thinking back, she did the same thing to me - got in my face when we were yelling at each other - and said something like "so, you enjoy yelling at me? You want to hurt me? You want to hurt a child? Someone smaller than you? Huh, is that what you want to do to me, abuse me?" This was a while ago, last October. Same thing she did to her mother, when BM called her an unappreciative B!tch (I agree with her totally, so weird) and then Whinona said "you want to tell me that again, huh?" While recording her drunk mother.
While I just laughed at her ridiculousness, BM attacked her.
I cant tell you, Acra, how many times I wished I could have done the same thing. But we are the adults, we are supposed to laugh it all off, and walk away, or just walk away. Which I did.
I am the "good guy" right now, so I am just going along for the ride.
Hopefully SO keeps those blinders off and does not allow her to stay with us full-time.