Ex's and funerals
My friend's ex husband just died of a massive stroke yesterday. He was only 61. They'd been divorced a little over 10 years, and have children and grand-children. I found out because the xh was a member of my church and our minister sent out an email about it. His new wife is active in our church. My immediate feeling was to wonder how my friend is feeling, after having been married to him for nearly 30 years before divorcing him. I'm sure that has to make her feel a little odd, and maybe feel her mortality a little. I don't know. My feeling is they had a decent enough split (as much as that's possible). Their kids are grown, and they didn't seek each other out.
I told DH about this, and asked him how he'd feel if BM passed. She is older than DH, and has health issues, so it is a possibility. She is in her late 50's and retired on disability. He said he wouldn't care at all. He said he would attend the funeral in order to support SD24, but that's it. He would not really feel anything. He said he never felt love for her during their 15 year marriage. He said if he died first, she would attend too. If something happens to DH, I really will be very upset, and even though we have very little to do with BM now that SD 24 is emancipated, I really don't want her there.
I know DH has a past, and yes, SD24 will be upset if/when her father passes and it makes sense for BM to support her, but ugh! I wonder if my friend's ex's new wife/widow feels that way about my friend. I wouldn't be surprised from what little I know of the new wife, and wonder what my friend intends to do.
If the kids are adults, do the ex's attend? Just to a viewing, but not the gathering after? Just curious...hopefully I won't be finding out anytime soon!
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Comments
Personally I think its weird
Personally I think its weird that your DH would consider attending BMs funeral to support SD24. But maybe thats because Im 26 and if either of my parents were to drop dead tomorrow there is no way in hell the other would attend, regardless of whether I requested their "support" or not.
It totally depends on what/if any relationship was there after the divorce. For some they return to an almost friend like status, others turn to pure hate and others just cease to have any feeling at all.
But for me, unless you actually liked/loved the person it is insulting to attend their funeral.
I agree! He can't stand BM
I agree! He can't stand BM and says he never loved her. Why on earth would he go? And BM has plenty of family that SD24 is very close to, so she would have plenty of support. I would think his presence would make them uncomfortable, no?
I guess if the time comes, I would bring this up to him. Say that he may make things uncomfortable and let them mourn in peace. If SD24 wants him there, she can ask him. Maybe I should even ask her myself, I don't know.
I wouldn't attend my ex's
I wouldn't attend my ex's funeral. Once they are an ex, they are out of your life. You only deal with them in regards to the children. Once the children are adults, you don't have any reason to be in any contact. I think people feel way too overly involved just because you had children together. I mean would you attend all your exes funerals? That would be ludicrous.
However I can safely guess that BM2 will be at DH's funeral and I dread it already. She'll make it all about her and how she's there to "support SS13". Puhleeeease. She's not even around to support him now, let alone during his father's funeral. She'll just be there to see if she (oops I mean if SS) inherits any money and how she can steal (oops I mean entitle herself to) it.
I wouldn't want hex at my
I wouldn't want hex at my husband's funeral. If she showed up I would pull her aside and ask her to leave. She is an evil, wretched woman who has hit my husband during their marriage, wished him to die during his deployments, and PAS'd their daughter. DH would not want her there and I wouldn't either.
I wouldn't want hex at my funeral. If she showed up "to support SD" DH will have her escorted out. The woman has no relation to me, and is not my friend.
DH says if hex died he wouldn't go to her funeral because he doesn't care if she dies.
Edited to add: if DH and I divorced decades from now I would ask his sister if my presence at his funeral would be accepted.
Once upon a time, DH would
Once upon a time, DH would have done that. He even said he would throw a huge party celebrating her death. I think now that SD is grown up, he just tries to think of her as little as possible.
I think if she were to pass first, I would tell him that I don't think he's really doing anyone any favors by going, even SD24.
I will not be attending my
I will not be attending my ex's funeral. He is remarried and has children.
Just because we were once married and I gave birth to his kids does NOT make me part of his life.
I would feel like I was causing MORE discomfort to my kids SM and family by being around.
I would NOT be there to "support my kids"
My exH has a wife (my kids SM) to do that, my kids have aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents to do that, my presence is NOT needed.
This is how I feel! SD24 is
This is how I feel! SD24 is grown up! DH has moved on and we have 3 very young children together. I don't think it's necessary for her to involved anymore.
"Just because we were once
"Just because we were once married and I gave birth to his kids does NOT make me part of his life"
^^^^^^^^ THIS! ALL. OF. THIS. ^^^^^^^^^
Of course, though, most of the crazy BM's we deal will never comprehend this very simple fact.
Don't think I have to worry
Don't think I have to worry about BM showing up at DH's funeral.
1)DH is almost a decade younger. Could easily outlive me.
2)DH does not want a funeral.
3)BM excluded DH from OSS's (mid 30s) funeral. Didn't notify him of the death and funeral out of state.
As for a hypothetical BM funeral - SS30 has a live-in GF and now a son. I don't think he should need his "Daddy" there to sit with him and hold his hand.
Every funeral that I have been to the family sits separately. I do not think that an ex belongs in the "family" section. To me that would insulting and highly inappropriate. So how does the parent being there sitting far away (often not even within sight)provide any support?
The best support that I got when my mother died was in the days after the funeral. A friend flew in for the day (from about 400 miles away) just to take me to lunch a day or two after the funeral. That meant way more than if she'd come and sat through the funeral.
DH has also said he wouldn't
DH has also said he wouldn't be surprised if BM showed up at his parents' funerals. BM's mother passed a couple years ago and he didn't go, nor did he send flowers/donation etc. I'm hoping that set up a premise for BM so that she won't show up at my in-laws. If she did, I can picture my horrible SIL getting all buddy buddy with BM just out of spite to me.
Didn't you know? Her golden
Didn't you know? Her golden uterus produced a child with him so they are familyyyyyyy foreverrrrrrrr.
BM2 actually emailed DH about
BM2 actually emailed DH about 3.5 years ago and said these very words. Crazy is strong with this one, Yoda!
Wow, what a sad story. I'm
Wow, what a sad story. I'm so sorry for your grandma, but I'm glad your grandpa felt something when she died. As for when he died, well, that sounds more typical to what we read here, but in reverse to an extent.
Luvmypuppy my guess is he
Luvmypuppy my guess is he felt some responsibility for her after death after all those years together. My parents were divorced and my dad came to my moms funeral and bawled his eyes out as well. It seemed like he turned grey almost over night. That was the only time I ever saw him cry. He also cheated on my mother early in their marriage, and got the other woman pregnant. My mom divorced him when I was two, I was 15 when she died.
Since my father has died, my step mother, (same woman) has told me multiple times that he was devastated when she died. It's hard for me to know what she wants me to say when she says it...
Now if my DH's EX died we wouldn't go to her funeral since we're not friends, but I probably would send my SD a sympathy card since that would seem appropriate in our situation.
My DH's parents had been
My DH's parents had been divorced for at least 20 years when DH's mom died. His dad went to the funeral and the burial, staying until they put her casket into the ground, he was the last person to leave. He was not a good husband (or father) but he loved her.
DH and BM were never in love. DH has no desire to go to her funeral but he'll make an appearance for his daughter.
DH and I don't want an
DH and I don't want an elaborate funeral/viewing; we want a small gathering and cremation. If dH goes before me BM will not be invited to the gathering. Skids will get half the ashes to do with as they wish and I will get half. I really wouldn't want to attend exH's funeral as I spent way too much time with him in this life. I'd be supportive of my children in any way possible but wouldn't feel the need to be at a service for exH.
DH wants to be cremated and
DH wants to be cremated and have his ashes spread in the Caribbean. I've joked with him that he better be nice to me or I'll simply flush his ashes down the toilet. Once he's in the water, maybe he'll get lucky and make his way out to the Caribbean!
BM would probably come if
BM would probably come if only to make sure her last ditch efforts to be with DH were actually over.
Yes, you unfortunately have
Yes, you unfortunately have too much unwanted knowledge on the subject of strokes. I'm glad your husband is one of the lucky ones.
My DH is on blood pressure medication and sees his doctor regularly, so hopefully we can try to prevent anything. We have very young children, so I think that at least compels him to take better care of himself than he otherwise would. Is it enough? We can only hope.
My father has had a few minor strokes in the last year and a half, and one of them took some time to get him back to a condition where he can fend for himself fairly well.
As for my post, I can only hope BM goes before DH (not meant in a spiteful way...just for logistics) and I guess I'll just have to deal with it if DH decides to go. I'll tell him I think he may make others uncomfortable, but if he thinks SD with her large, close-knit family of BM's needs him, alrighty then.
That's a very good point.
That's a very good point. I'm sorry you had to experience anything remotely close to realize it, but yes, I can imagine I would be feeling so much of my own stressful emotions that I might not register her unless she decided to make some scene which is unlikely.
I'm glad that you didn't need to feel numb for the worst case scenario, and can move on. Extra reason to enjoy your holidays this year!
I have no interest in going
I have no interest in going my ex husband funeral. Nope.
Both hubby and are are to be cremated and thrown in our favorite surf spots. We are thinking who ever goes first, throw out only half the ashes and save the other half to be mixed with the other. This way we we definitely be surfing at the same time. Plus, the funeral would be a paddled out. And nope, crazy, stabbing BM is not allowed. She might get drunk and start a stabbing.
Aww, I like that "saving half
Aww, I like that "saving half the ashes" part.
My mother never specified what she wanted done when she died. My father wanted to spread her ashes in the ocean, but it didn't seem something she would have *really* wanted. So I convinced my father to hold off and mix their ashes together after he passes. Maybe half in the ocean, maybe half back to Hungary where they came from.
Maybe I'll ask DH if we can save a small amount of his ashes to keep with mine if he goes first. If I go first, he can save mine and have them put with his and scattered where he wants unless my boys want something else, which I doubt.
My children are still
My children are still relatively small but their bio dad is a deadbeat. If he died (don't know how I would find out though, no contact), I would most certainly attend the funeral, to be sure it was him who actually died. I'd go under the ruse of my children laying to rest the father they never had, you know, for "closure". If they were adults, I wouldn't bother. If I'd spent nearly a lifetime with a person, like them or not, I'd probably attend their funeral. Then again, I have gone to people's funerals who I never met. :?
My current husband went to ex
My current husband went to ex wife's visitation and funeral. (It was before we met, and they had been divorced about a year.)
He has said he went to the visitation for his daughters (both early 20s), and to the funeral for himself.
Not sure how the ex's family felt, but go he did.
He didn't sit with the family at either. He sat at the back of church for the funeral.
I've been to funerals where the ex was there, and to others where the ex was not even mentioned.
My DH would probably go for
My DH would probably go for SD24 but he would only go to the visitation, be with SD for a bit, then leave before the actual funeral.
Personally, I'd like some proof that she actually went into the ground or was cremated, and that Lucifer, was actually taking her home but that's just me.
It all depends on their
It all depends on their relationship. Some people are friendly with their exs and that would be normal to go.
DH did not tell my SD when
DH did not tell my SD when FIL died. She was not close to him, and DH knew that BM would use it as an attention getting, it's-all-about-me drama. And FIL HATED BM, the last thing he would have wanted, was BM at his funeral.
I told DH that if BM dies, SD (who is an adult) has other people to lean on for support but he feels that she would want him to be there, at least for a minute and a hug. She's going to need more than a hug since she's completely dependent on BM but that will be her problem, not ours.
Wow, what you just wrote
Wow, what you just wrote about your SD in the case that BM dies sounds just like my DH and my adult SD.
As of the way things are
As of the way things are today at this point I would attend my Ex's funeral. I would generally be upset if he passed away. Not only for my BS and his lost but because of my relationship with him. Yes he is an ass and has done some shitty things but we are on friendly terms. If he was to die unexpectedly I would be upset. I would look at it like attending any other funeral of someone in my past and that I wanted to go and pay respects.
Ex and I have no bitter feelings for each other and we have no other feelings for each other except as the other parent to a child that we both love and care about very much.
Now if BM wanted to attend DH's funeral I would be very surprised because she has said nothing but nasty things about DH and has done nothing but tried to make our lives hell just because she is a flat out bitch. So I dont think her intentions in attending would be the right intentions and wouldnt be to really grieve DH or because she had good feelings towards him or about him.
So I would be very pissy if she tried to attend. If she had the same relationship with DH as I have with my Ex then it would be different. But she doesn't.
My parents are divorced and both have attended funerals for the other's parents and I am sure both will attend each other's funerals if they are able. And I'm sure my SM would attend my mom's and vice versa.
My family has managed to all co exist and care about each other on some level as parents (at one time when we were younger) raising kids together. I am very blessed to have wonderful parents and a wonderful SM. I try to model my relationship with my Ex off of my parents.
I think for us and for my parents- we dont hate each other and we aren't pining for each other, so we are able to work together.
My Dad attended my Mom's
My Dad attended my Mom's funeral a couple of years ago. They were married for almost 20 years, but they've been divorced for 30 years. They did NOT have a very civil relationship, but Dad came to support my brother and I.
It was a weird and sad situation....Mom cut both my brother and I off from communication, so neither of us spoke to her or visited the last 6 months of her life (lung cancer). We were with her during her last week, she had home hospice care, and with her when she passed.
Things were a mess, I was a mess, my brother was trying to steal Mom's drugs and drink himself into oblivion, so Dad attended the funeral and I'm glad he did. There were't many people at the funeral, but those from Mom's side of the family that attended greeted my Dad very warmly and we all sat together at the luncheon.
This was a unique situation though.