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Just Grumbling...

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Fri, 09/23/2016 - 7:40am

Back to school night was this week for our DS4, and the little project waiting for us asked about our family. DS4 only said he had 2 brothers, so DH had to point out to him when we got home that he also has big sister SD25. I kept my mouth shut, but I didn't think it worth correcting a 4 year old about a half-sister who currently lives across the country and he sees maybe once or twice a year.

Last night DH brought SD25 up again to our boys. DH went out of his way to sit the boys down, and said, "I promise to try my very best to get your sister a job at my company when she graduates later this year. This way she will live close to us and we will see her all the time! We need to call her soon so you can talk to her." The boys' (DS5 and DS4) response was, "Why?"

I brought up to DH that she very well may not want to work at his company, and especially may not want to live back in our state. She moved to CO specifically because marijuana is legal. I pointed out to him that while we were in Florida last February, she told me she felt physical withdrawal symptoms from not having marijuana there. DH then said that she can't work with him because there will be a drug test, and I suggested he bring this up before even trying to find a job for her because she may opt to not even try.

I really don't understand my DH. He's so hot and cold when it comes to SD25, and after all the times he offered to find her jobs after her undergraduate degree and she wasn't interested, why would he go through this again? Life is much calmer with her across the country, so I have to hope the marijuana issue means enough to her to not want to move back. I can just picture more drama with her and BM if she comes back. DH keeps saying "When SD25 comes to reality and wants a job at a place like the company he works for..." I don't think he understands that SD25's current life IS her reality. Thanks to BM's money, SD25 can live a party lifestyle and not need to work a job the way we do. DH is so used to BM struggling and living beyond her means that I don't think he realizes that BM inherited a decent amount of money, and while she may run out someday, she is currently able to fund hers and SD's life the way they like. Just leave it alone, DH...

Comments

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Fri, 09/23/2016 - 7:44am

:jawdrop: you married the delusional one.....

I would simply tell him, DH SD is old enough to be their mother why try and drill it into them she's their sister, they hardly know her and there will never be a sibling bond between them,

Privately I will teach my kids to refer to her as our fathers earlier mistake }:)

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Fri, 09/23/2016 - 8:35am

I humor him when he goes on and on about her being their sister. As they get older, they will be able to tell him themselves that they don't feel like she's their sister.

My middle son (DS4) has a big mouth. If I ever referred to SD as a mistake, there's no question it would make it back to DH. Nope, SD25 was meant to be, and his first marriage was practice so he knows how to get it right the second time around. Wink

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Fri, 09/23/2016 - 8:17am

I agree. She originally said she chose to move to CO and go to grad school so she can get a job marketing recreational use marijuana. Well she probably could get a job doing that and make great money, knowing her personally, it's not about ambition, and all about just using it herself.

I have nothing against marijuana, but to allow it to "control" my life like that is just sad.

She claims that her anxiety is gone thanks to marijuana and her ability to use it legally. Yay for SD!

MrsZipper's picture

Submitted by MrsZipper on Fri, 09/23/2016 - 8:21am

We know a guy who did this! Moved to CO from NY. He's a software developer, company didnt care if he worked remote. He still makes his NYC salary but lives in a little cabin in CO. He spends some time on his computer, joins a few conference calls and then he and his wife head outside to smoke, snowboard and hike. They love it there.

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Fri, 09/23/2016 - 8:31am

That's the right way to go about it...figure out how to support yourself, then figure out how to make it work. Wink

I think it can work for many, but some like my SD seem to live in a fantasy world. It's hard to explain. When SD is so excited she has a 4.0 in school, even BM has said to her, "If that's all you can say for yourself, that's sad". BM doesn't see to entirely approve of SD's choices, yet she completely enables SD by funding her entire life. They have such an odd relationship. I guess seeing how co-dependent they are on each other should help me understand why DH seems so removed from SD except from these occasional "SD is going to work with me and we'll see her all the time!" rants.

Maybe I'm wrong...maybe SD can figure out that lifestyle on her own too! She'll be happy, and we'll see her once a year at Christmas. Not bad lol.

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Fri, 09/23/2016 - 4:09pm

Oh, no worries there, thank goodness. We both agreed as soon as we found out I was expecting that my brother and his wife if anything happens to us. Discussed with my brother and SIL, and in writing. Wink

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Fri, 09/23/2016 - 8:26am

If DH was consistent in his thinking, I would agree about him "wanting security for SD" and all that. I do believe you are right about him wanting his children to all be together. I think he gets in these moments where he just wants them all around. His happiest days are holidays when SD joins us here at home and it's all the kids together; before we had our boys, he didn't seem to care if SD was here on holidays which is a bit sad.

My brothers are 8 and 12 years older than I, so I know age differences can work, but 20(+) years is a bit much. I've finally gotten to the point where I feel like SD is kind of like a niece, and she has that sort of aunt-ish/older cousin-ish relationship with my 3 boys. It is what it is, and it's fine. SD25 has made numerous comments about not wanting children of her own (she's young yet!) and that she is happy to now have little brothers to take care of her in her old age. Ugh. I keep my mouth shut, but I so badly want to tell her that they are not here to either take care of me when I am old (except maybe handle my finances if I am lucky enough to have the money for care when/if I am old) and they certainly are not going to have that responsibility for her. As BM's only child, maybe she'll come to that realization on her own when she "has to take care of" BM who is not in the best of health and will be 60 in a few months herself.

MrsZipper's picture

Submitted by MrsZipper on Fri, 09/23/2016 - 8:34am

I'm so sorry, my DH also wants more of a relationship between skids and our bios, although in our case the skids would be the ones saying "why?". He probably feels guilty for seeing her only twice a year or not doing more to ensure she was raised to want a more stable lifestyle, even if it was out of his control. She's still very young, she has plenty of time to change her life and career many more times before she finds what works for her.

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Fri, 09/23/2016 - 8:39am

I could understand the guilt if my DH made any kind of effort to see SD25. Even before we had our kids, he was very content to wait for her to come to visit and not go out of the way to visit her except for family day at college (when it was in driving distance).

Could it be guilt that makes him want her to join our boys? He HAS to realize that they will never have typical sibling relationships. She's in grad school, and our youngest is still in diapers.

MrsZipper's picture

Submitted by MrsZipper on Fri, 09/23/2016 - 8:43am

If SD was a mistake like you said he probably wasn't a very involved parent to SD. Now that he is seeing his boys grow and how his involvement is shaping them he may feel terrible for not bothering with SD when she was growing up. I could see how having the boys would give him a lot of guilt.

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Fri, 09/23/2016 - 10:12am

SD was NOT a mistake! DH very much wanted SD, and was involved until he divorced BM when SD was 10. He still believes he was involved, but he honestly was not as much as he could have been because he did not like to drive the 45 minutes to SD's town.

If anything, I think DH was MORE involved with SD when he lived with BM than he is with our boys. It used to make me angry and feel like he misled me a bit, but no sense in arguing over that.

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Fri, 09/23/2016 - 4:13pm

I'm closer in age to SD than she is to my children, her half brothers.

That is what I intend to do...let the boys show DH what the relationship will be. I will not try to prevent any relationship, but I highly doubt they will be interested in a few years. For now they like her after the initial "Who are you??" shy stage when she visits because she plays with them.

SD may try to keep friends with them. She was originally extremely upset with DH when she found out we were expecting, even though she knew we had been trying for years. When she finally met our firstborn at his baptism, she told me that her aunt on BM's side has a half brother who is 20 years younger than her, and they are close. She thinks she will have the same relationship with these boys. For her sake, if that's what she wants, I hope it works out. It will be interesting.