For those of you who have told your spouse about this site
Was it helpful?
I know the question about whether your spouse knows you are here comes up a lot in discussions and everyone's answers vary tremendously.
For those of you who do send your spouse to this site, has it helped?
My specific issue with DH is that every time he has a skid/bm related issue and acts like he has no idea where to begin, I share some of the things I've learned in here. Because of this site, I have also educated myself on our own state's custody and support guidelines.
His response? We don't really know anything for sure Mercury. No one really knows how a judge is going to rule and how things will really play out.
*headdesk* I get that. I really do. But there is this thing called being proactive. Knowledge is power and he knows less about the system than I do. He is so resigned and defeated about everything. His willingness to give everyone the benefit of the doubt makes him a beautiful person who I love and admire but it also makes him vulnerable when skids and bm are up to no good.
We recently retained an attorney and she has already confirmed some legal facts that I told him about three years ago. Things are better now that she is in the picture but he still has a skewed view of his rights as a father and he is very timid about asking for the things he thinks are best for his children.
I just want him to know that he's not alone. I also don't want anything to do with MRA websites because as far as I'm concerned, outdated ideology, gendered family roles, and laws regarding family court are HUGE feminist issues. His ex is using the patriarchy to further her own goals and to punish a man who left HER, not his kids. The behavior of so many of these bms is actually self defeating as it keeps them dependent on men for survival. It is detrimental in achieving true equality.
Most of you are strong badass bitches and I love you for it. This site is so helpful to me sometimes (well, if you ignore the occasional troll it most certainly is). I wonder if DH would feel encouraged by hearing other people's experiences.
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Comments
I have NOT told DH... he is
I have NOT told DH... he is the type that would think of it as me rallying people to "gang up" on him and would definitely be offended. He was annoyed the other day because I told him that SIL and I were talking about and laughing about GBM clan and their $1200 porno/cable bill when I was getting my hair done. DH was like you guys shouldn't be talking about that in the salon, where other people can hear...
Sure we should DH! Cause we're not the idiots that procreated with a crazy bitch so we're not ashamed, or embarrassed in the least of our exes or kids!
Thank you rutherford. I know
Thank you rutherford. I know you and your husband have made it farther down this path than dh and I have. I love your input and I love it when your hubby gives his two cents as well. He is one of the good ones. My husband is too. He just struggles with depression and self esteem issues so this skid/bm thing is even harder on him. I swear BM knows this and its purposely trying to send him to his grave.
That's what I'm currently
That's what I'm currently calling it "that group". It's vague and he probably thinks it's a Facebook group since that's where he lives on the internet.
I talk about it all the time.
I talk about it all the time. He gets some good ideas here. We have good ST based discussions, too. He also knows it is therapy for me.
On the other hand, once in awhile I will be telling him some innocent or funny story from here and he will unexpectedly take a contrarian position and the conversation turns tense all the sudden.
All in all, I'd rather have him be part of it. We can weather the occasional note of discord.
Yeah, DH is really sensitive.
Yeah, DH is really sensitive. I think he might be like that too at first. But in end, he is rational and intelligent and picks out the truth very quickly. (After the initial butthurt of course)
I've said nasty things about
I've said nasty things about his kids on here. I would never in a million years say those things outside of this group and I would never make the skids think I hate them (even if I do on that particular day). It's therapy. I spew out all of my vitriol before I get home and it's done.
I should probably delete the worst stuff (what would you say to your skids if you could?) if I don't want to alienate him right off the bat. That stuff is brutal.
Uh oh. See, I've even
Uh oh. See, I've even forgotten about some of those blogs. There are worse comments in other places, lol.
My SO is very supportive
My SO is very supportive about me coming here. He feels I need support and advice from others outside of him. He admits he can't be objective. And today he learnt a very important ST lesson. IGNORE THE WHORE.
"like"
"like"
LIKE LIKE LIKE!!!
LIKE LIKE LIKE!!!
My DH found me on here and
My DH found me on here and started an account, then a whole big thread about it with others trying to claim I was hiding a private life online because I was on here.
*eye roll*
I wouldn't delete, I still won't. I won't leave!
BM was WAY over her boundaries and extremely abusive and DH was doing NOTHING but staying in the cycle of abuse, defending it and supporting it, and thinking it was "normal" because he knew nothing different after years of marriage.
Well, I came on here, learned how to help DH , and that his actions WERE allowing it, and we didn't have to allow it.
I only have 2 divorced friends, neither is remarried.
Everyone needs friends they can relate too.
Oh yea it was! I confirmed it
Oh yea it was! I confirmed it but he never actually admitted it.
Was he receptive to some of
Was he receptive to some of the ideas from here? Have things improved for you?
YES! GREAT improvement!
YES! GREAT improvement! Things in my world for the most part have been rainbow and sunshine!
I have no issues with the skids, I love them, I always will, actually most days they are better behaved then my bios. They are GREAT kids!
My issues are mainly BM, she was very abusive to him for years, and he left the marriage but didn't break the cycle of abuse, she would rope him right in and bash him into nothing 3,4 5 days a week, bash him and me to the kids, sit in our driveway screaming profanities in front of the children, and had BAD boundaries! She just isn't right, and she kept acting out and wiggling her way into our lives and taking over control and beating him down again.
After I found this site, boundaries with BM came down hard and fast and we are black and white per the court order with her now, NO EXCEPTIONS! For the most part.
That's awesome, I'm glad that
That's awesome, I'm glad that things have improved so much for you.
My husband knows that I am
My husband knows that I am here. He tells me that it is a bunch of crazy angry women in awful relationships, but I think he knows that it is helpful to me in someways. I often offer bits of advice I've gotten on here, usually he is somewhat dismissive, but I think that some of it sinks in and certainly I like to be more informed. He sometimes suggests that I don't look at the website too much as he thinks it makes me focus on the crap with BM, which is true sometimes. But he has never said that he doesn't want me on here. I mentioned to him the other day about the steptalk facebook group and he did tell me not to join that, as it is connected to my facebook page obviously with my real life details on it, and I agree with him there..though I am tempted to make a fake profile to join in. I feel like I'm missing out on some steptalk action over on facebook!
Overall I'm glad I told him about it. I hate keeping secrets and strive to have a very open, honest relationship. It also allows me to bring up topics on here without having to come up with some reason for it.
this is my sacred place. but
this is my sacred place. but merc, why dont u send him to those fathers' rights websites? he may better absorb advice from fellow males who have experienced it through a similar perspective.
LMAO!!!!! FUNNY!
LMAO!!!!! FUNNY!
SO knows about ST, he has
SO knows about ST, he has actually came on here to read some advice on mini-wife issues. That is actually one reason why he changed his behavior that was leading up to SD turning into a mini-wife. This site has been very helpful to both of us, and sparked some discussions of the what if's in steplife.
Sometimes I relay some
Sometimes I relay some stories on here to DH if I think they kind of relate to our situation. Some blogs I read to him he thinks are made up though or dramatized by the posters. I can't say he's a fan of the site, but hey I'm no fan of Xbox war games so we have a mutual acceptance for our hobbies.