Live to Fail Another Day?
The school VP called yesterday.
The results are in.
One of the criteria to move from grade 8 to grade 9 is that the student must pass 2 of the 3 core courses.
SS failed all three of them.
The VP said she is willing to overlook one of the marks since it was close but SS must go to summer school to retake two of the core courses AND he must pass both of them otherwise next year he will have to repeat grade 8.
DW called me at work to deliver the news.
“We knew this might happen.” She said.
I was grinding my teeth because I didn’t want to start an argument over the phone.
Because really – what is the point? DW now has to contact Donkeykong to try and get his buy-in. That’s going to go as well as having a bleeding wound and diving into the ocean full of hungry sharks. Not only does DW have to ask Donkeykong to split the cost of the summer school courses (it ain't cheap), but Donkeykong has to relinquish his summertime visitation.
Oh, and there is also a chance that Donkeykong might file a motion for a change in custody like he threatened he would if SS’s marks didn’t improve.
So I say nothing. At least, I try my best to say nothing.
SS is an airhead and DW just doesn’t know what it takes to get this kid to buckle down and study. She really doesn’t. I love DW, but when it comes to academics and studying - she just. Doesn’t. Get. It.
“Can you help me write an email to Donkeykong?” DW asks me last night.
::sigh:: It doesn’t look like I am getting out of this
“What if Donkeykong says no?” DW asks. “Should we go see a lawyer?”
“Not worth it.” I reply.
“But that would mean SS would have to repeat a whole year!”
“Yeah, and whose fault is that!?”
Aw F*CK! Why can’t you just keep your mouth shut Drac0! WHY!?!?!
“What do you mean!?!” DW challenges.
“DW, SS failed because he doesn’t study.”
“Yes he has!”
“DW. I kept logs. You want to see them?”
“You. Kept. Logs?”
“Yes! Because I KNEW you and I would be having this discussion one day; a discussion I never wanted to have in the first place! SS does. Not. Study. Enough!”
DW changed her tune real quick. She blamed the teachers, she blamed Donkeykong, she even blamed our bios for being disruptive when SS had to study…
“I blame myself too.” DW said. “But I can’t stay on top of SS 24/7.”
“You can shoulder some of the blame, or dish it out all you want.” I say. “The fact remains is that SS has a tough summer ahead of him – and he simply does not have the discipline to study. If it was just one course I would say he *maybe* has a chance but TWO?...SS need a reality check. The only way I see SS pulling through this is if he becomes a cloistered monk for a month and a half.”
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Comments
HA! All three skids have
HA! All three skids have HORRID grades due to both bioparents thinking it is cruelty to make their children study, do homework, do classwork or just show up PERiOD!
OSS "graduated" with 67 absences and a 1.75 gpa which is higher than the younger two.
EVERY year they attend summer school.
The FIRST thing Chef Boyardumb does is blame the teachers for "catering to the smart kids"
I kid you not
I would love to see
I would love to see Donkeykong try! At this stage, it's a "damned if you do and a damned if you don't" situation.
I even told SS that there was a possibility he might end up living with his Dad and only seeing us on the weekends should he fail.
That but the fear of Loki into him. Lot's of tears, etc. and as usual, DW came swooping in to console him and assured him that wouldn't happen.
BINGO!
BINGO!
Yeah, I'm a bit of a nutter
Yeah, I'm a bit of a nutter because I keep a log of things like this. I only do so because my experience with DW has proven that she has a rose-colored, "rainbows and unicorns" version of SS's "efforts" in school.
DW: "Oh but SS is really trying! He was struggling at first but he really is TRYING now!"
Translation after shoved through the Drac0 filter. SS messed around in the first semester, got punished, got a tutor but he still doesn't know how to study properly
DW: "Oh but his math teacher was really mean to SS."
Translation after shoved through the Drac0 filter. Teacher has 30 other students in her class. She doesn't give a rat's ass about the students who are disruptive and refuse to do the work
DW: "SS DOES study! The first thing he does when he comes home is tackle his homework!"
Translation after shoved through the Drac0 filter. SS runs into the bathroom as soon as one of us comes home to pull the 'bathroom trick'. When asked what he is doing, he says he was studying but just needed to go poo
I'd be interested in knowing
I'd be interested in knowing what this log looked like or consisted of. How did you track him doing homework?
This is something I'd like to add to my arsenal.
Oh it was nothing fancy. Here
Oh it was nothing fancy.
Here is an exceprt:
May 7th, SS is in the dining room working on his project. DW starts talking to me, SS interjects himself in the conversation and now DW and SS are talking to each other. Project is now ignored. I send SS to work on his project downstairs. He works there until supper time and works on it a little afterwards.
May 8th. SS is “studying” his History in front of the TV. He goes to his room to lie down in bed to study some more for about 20 minutes. After supper (7pm) SS plays the rest of the evening.
May 9th. Tutoring (2 hours)
May 10th. With father[*]
* = DW and I have already concluded that SS does little to no studying at his Dad's.
Yep let donkeykong see if he
Yep let donkeykong see if he can do any better!
There are two factors in play
There are two factors in play here behind DW's reasoning;
1) She is a HS drop-out herself so she doesn't know (or doesn't remember) how gruelling it is to have to study and pass.
2) Her guilt still overides her parenting common sense.
Okay. One of SS's teachers is a hard-nosed bitch, but that is just ONE teacher. How do you explain the other courses that SS failed? The teachers for those courses are super sweet and were really cooperative with us.
You touched a nerve there. My
You touched a nerve there.
My Dad has very little respect for my FIL because of this. When he found out that DW dropped out of HS and FIL did nothing, my Dad said "There is no way in HELL I would have allowed that to happen to you or your brother!"
FIL grew up in a time/country where all a man had to do is pick up a trade, become an apprentice and you could raise a family. He is convinced SS can do the same - Oh yeah - and SS is tall, so the doors will open for him.
Nothing wrong with a career
Nothing wrong with a career in the military, even if it's just a means to pay for college. There's a lot of debate these day about whether the cost of college is even actually worth it anymore.
I was actually looking up
I was actually looking up some websites about military schools.
I then had the sudden horrifying realization that I was becoming the epitome of the classic cliche
"Stepfather wanting to send kid away to military school"
I feel like I've had this
I feel like I've had this conversation in my head for two years now too.
My SD7 is horrible at school. She can't pay attention and is routinely in trouble for disrupting class, flailing about, talking too much, etc. Her K teacher thought she was gifted (ha!), but she tested poorly on that test. Then 1st teacher suggested getting her tested for ADHD (not directly, but we knew what she was getting at). At that point DW and BioDad refused because they didn't like the teacher. SD started 2nd grade this year and had two teachers - 1 for math, science, 1 for language arts and social studies. BOTH of these teachers raised the same concerns that the one the year prior did, and the same concerns I've raised while attempting to do homework with SD7. She very, very likely has ADHD.
My DW and the BioDad still refuse to believe that anything could be wrong with SD7. Both of them blame the teachers: 3 of them at two different schools! Plus my mother who is in education and mentioned it to me as well!
But again, SD7 can do no wrong... so her schooling is going to suffer for it. IT's on her parents though, not me anymore.
I think you should DEFINETLY
I think you should DEFINETLY consider therapy then. My DW agreed to submit SS to a psych eval after the therapist suggested it "just to rule ADHD out". DW was also conviced that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her precious little munchkin.
SS isn't fucked up. He's just
SS isn't fucked up. He's just an airhead - a TALL airhead.
LOL. Why are you trying to
LOL.
Why are you trying to make me feel like Spike when he realizes he is in love with Buffy?
"Bloody hell!"
:jawdrop:
"Bloody hell!"
Everybody's fault except that
Everybody's fault except that of the kid. YOur wife lives in a fantasy world...
This doesnt help.
Hopefully he can do well in summer school and not have to repeat the same year.
My kid the same age had been
My kid the same age had been failing regular school, so I put him in cyber academy, and then he wouldn't do the work, failed those classes, too.
I just sent him to my ex, who sounds a lot like donkeykong (writing letters and emails for years about all the things I do wrong, and threatening to take me to court for custody)- he made me so nervous all the time, always basically calling me a bad parent, and my child at the same time, would not let me parent him. Wouldn't listen and just do what he was supposed to, and I'm not a great disciplinarian due to child abuse that I went through by my mother (I'm too lenient because I just feel lost and don't want to be abusive like her).
I agree with someone above that maybe she should see if donkeykong can do better. just because he's a douche to her, doesn't mean it wouldn't be good for the kid. and then she won't have to deal with him on her ass constantly as well. and get a break from the constant pressure about school and focus on your relationship more.
Everything gets taken away.
Everything gets taken away. Down to his furniture. A mattress in his room and that is it. He needs no more distractions. But, unfortunately your wife is incapable of doing it.
I raised a child alone for many years and anything less than an A was unacceptable out of him. Sorry, but he was a brilliant kid that was exceptionally lazy. Still is, but he knows now that at 19, if he loses his scholarship that requires a 3.3 GPA, I will cut him off the exact amount he will lose. That is equivalent to 6K a semester. He managed to pull a 3.34. Every conversation we have is about his grades. I am prepared to put my money where my mouth is.
Your wife is not capable of harsh parenting. Unfortunately she needs to be, she is doing this kid a real disservice and honestly, should let the dad have him full time. Doubt, he can do better, but it may be the best thing to try.
I don't know if you were
I don't know if you were around here a year ago when I wrote about the incident where I removed SS's giant toy box out of his room to place a study desk in there. DW was screaming at me and several STalkers were accusing me of overstepping my bounds as a step-parent. I am beginning to wonder if I should overstep my bounds again.... }:)
I do remember that and loved
I do remember that and loved it. I am all for her doing it. Not you....As Steps we just get blamed for everything. I do not think you should write the email. They are the parents, they need to pull their head out of their ass and fix the kid.
I spent last night arguing this with DH about SD18, who managed to put lots of great tweets out there yesterday about drinking and drugs and told him to pull his head out of his ass and stop waiting for the kid to die and talk to BM, again. Of course, he refused, since BM won't do anything. My answer is and always will be, if you at least ride BM a little bit, she shapes up for awhile and parents and that is one week that that kid has not O'd. He just wants to stick his head in the sand and wait it out. Sick of it.
Your DW is doing the same thing. She has to be the parent, she has to step up. She has him during the week, that puts the homework on her and not the ex. This is on her. When SS was having problems last year, DH was sitting at the table every night with him for two weeks until it was habit and then he moved to the living room and then eventually stopped being around while homework was done. SS would slip and DH would go back to this. He did finish with one C and that is a miracle and DH's persistence. She is not persistent.
I think I'd wipe my hands.
I think I'd wipe my hands. It seems you don't want to be involved in the kid's education and day-to-day responsibilities (understandably so), but then why turn around and help your DW write emails to her ex? I think it's time BOTH of them learned the harsh realities of the world. He repeats a grade and she has to learn to communicate effectively.
Actually she writes and I
Actually she writes and I edit.
It helps because when you are writting an email to someone you despise, it is difficult to keep the contents of the email civil...
This is especially true even among professional writers....
Case in point:
I wrote an email response to Project Management in a fit of anger. I decided to sit on it for a day and edit it later. I re-opened it and went "Egads!" and I changed it. Editing the email took me all morning and I almost worked through my lunch break. After lunch, I edited it again to keep the tone professional and civil. I finally sent it and cc'ed my boss.
Boss comes up to me a day later and says "Hey Drac0! You sound pissed in that email! LOL"
Seems that after all these
Seems that after all these years, she should learn how to communicate with her kid's father about his failing grades. She may get some shit from him about it, and I don't think that's totally unjustified. I also don't think you're exactly this guy's BFF either ..
Idk .. I think you're just more involved with lazy parents than I'd choose to be in your situation.
Sucks for the kid. I'd let him repeat the grade over and over until he passes on his own merits and hard work. Some lessons are learned the hard way.
I agree. We had a discussion
I agree. We had a discussion about what we would do if SS failed because he was close. DH decided if he failed he would repeat the grade and let him see how that feels and maybe he will do better.
Me too, Summer school of your
Me too, Summer school of your own making at home and then repeat the grade.
Oh the famous "it's the
Oh the famous "it's the teachers fault!" line.
I had a friend I just fell a little bit more in love with this week. She teaches science at high school. She had the parents of a kid who failed come in complaining "well, it must be the way you teach". To which she responded "I teach 100 kids in your son's grade, 3 failed, everyone else passed, that is a 97% success grade as a teacher, an A. I need the help of the kid and the parent for success, what is your pass rate?!" That right there I fell in love with!
But oh, that was not all...they followed up with the classic "you just picked on my son". Her response? "I have a newborn and 2 year old at home. As I said I teach 100 kids in this grade alone. I do not have time or energy to "pick" on anyone. I will however notice you if you fall into certain catagories: 1. you are exceptional, 2. you work incredibly hard, 3. You struggle and need extra help but do try and d. you are lazy, disrupt the class and do not care. I do not pick on any one of these catagories, but which one do you think your kid falls in, and which catagory do you think I pretty much ignore? If they do not want to learn, I do not have time to waste and would be doing a disservice to the kids who do want to learn".
Of course, the parents did not listen and complained to the principal - but more teachers should be saying this!
I kind of wish donkeykong
I kind of wish donkeykong WOULD take custody so you wouldn't have to deal with the brat anymore. Except that your DW would give you no end of shit about it. Sorry, no winning there.
If Donkeykong does get
If Donkeykong does get primary custody (I don't think he will, but that won't stop him from trying), there is a high risk that DW and I are through. Like I said, if SS is gone, DW gets so depressed and there is no amount of wine and foot massages that will bring her back to me
Sounds terrible, but she will
Sounds terrible, but she will get to a place eventually where she moves on and tries to have a relationship with the kid. It is not always the mom knows best and the kid should live with her. SS15 is thriving here with his Dad. BM was lazy when it came to school work and he needed discipline. DH gave up SD18 to live with BM. He is still upset about it, but he has accepted that this is what it is. Someday, that kid will come back and have a decent relationship with him. But, for now it is what it is.
I think it is time to let the Dad raise him. She can be the fun parent for awhile. Nothing else has worked.
Normally I would be open to
Normally I would be open to that, but I think DW would sooner chew off her own limb rather than let Donkeykong get primary. Unlike your DH who has come to accept the reality for what it is, I don't think DW would ever be able to grow out of her "emotinally enmeshed relationship" (therapist's own words there) with SS.
I understand and DH would not
I understand and DH would not have given up if the lawyers were not clear, he would lose. Honestly, him failing doesn't look good for her. You may want to point that out.
I realized last night that my fear is now that if my SD18 does have some drastic thing happen to her, no miracle is going to save my marriage. As strong as it is, it will disintegrate. I will always be the reason she left, no matter what the truth is, I will always be the reason.
I think you and I know how
I think you and I know how each other feels. As much as I am open to the idea of SS going to live with his Dad just to see if his father can knock some sense into him, it will destroy DW emotionally. If SS goes to his Dad's AND SS becomes even more of a failure then he is now...I may as well kiss my marriage goodbye.
I WISH SS15'S SCHOOL WOULD
I WISH SS15'S SCHOOL WOULD ACTUALLY FAIL KIDS WHO DESERVE TO INSTEAD OF PUSHING THEM ALONG TO SAVE THEIR SELF ESTEEM!!!!
Yes, I'm shouting.
I'm jealous!!
Agreed. Almost 50% of the
Agreed. Almost 50% of the graduates in our city can't read at a middle school grade level. Yet they graduate with a HS diploma.
SS's reading/comprehension
SS's reading/comprehension skills is actually 2 years behind (according to the assessment we had done recently). It's not *that* bad but it is something we are definetly working to correct. I gave SS a summer reading list and he has two books that he has to read before the Fall.
Hell, half of the NCAA
Hell, half of the NCAA Division 1 athletes graduate COLLEGE and can't even read at a middle school level. Just sayin'
I see this situation
I see this situation happening to me when SD7 is older, around your SS's age.
Right now I feel like I'm the ONLY one who holds her accountable for her schooling. She fails a test and DW "talks" to her. I make her redo the test in front of me. (Which usually pisses me off because she can magically do the work when I'm there directing her to stay on task).
Last year SD7 went to summer camp and did no learning during the summer. Camp ended two weeks before school started. SD7 stayed with MIL who is THE WORST influence. SD7 gets waited on hand and foot there and she doesn't have to think.
School rolls around and she gets off to a horrendous start in her classes. Teachers even comment that she seems behind. It took me telling my wife that she HAD to sit down with SD7 at night and have her do homework for it to click. Otherwise, nothing would have happened. Thankfully DW realized the importance of it and was good the rest of the year... although still no consequences for bad grades.
Summer this year rolls around and before school lets out I tell DW she should consider getting SD7 a summer bridge workbook to keep her fresh. She agrees.... and nothing happens. I mentioned it again last week, nothing happened. She had to go out to the store yesterday so I mentioned it again... and this time she calls me from the store asking which one to get. *Sigh* She ends up not getting any and asks me to order one from Amazon. So we did that... it remains to be seen if SD will actually be required to do the work. But hey, I guess it is a start.